u/twowheeled_loser

Hey everybody,

So I'm still in the early stages of transition and I'm getting used to my look and appearance. I want to feel the same euphoria outside as I do inside but I am becoming increasingly agoraphobic. I keep telling myself that people are clocking me instantly, that I'm just a dude in a dress or skirt, or that I'm some sexual deviant fulfilling a fantasy in public. I have started wiping off a full face of makeup because I will just freeze in my car before going into a store.

I'm aware that this kind of thinking is internalized transphobia and I really want to overcome it. I would not and have not thought any of these things towards other transfolk and I don't deserve it either but I cannot help it. It floods in against my will. My social anxiety will have me spiraling in a public space and I hate it.

I feel like I care more about being invisible, unremarkable, or just left alone more than I care about passing. I just want to live my life like the rest of us do. What can I do besides just exposure therapy? How do I stop caring what others think of me?

TW: >!Sexual Assault, Emotional Abuse, Suicide Attempt, Depression!<

I (30) feel like I'm in a once-in-a-billion scenario. Half of me is wanting practical advice and the other half is hoping that I'm not in a situation so unique that no one will be able to help. I feel incredibly stupid for putting myself here just to prove to myself that I could be a good partner and step parent.

A few things to know before proceeding:

1. I entered this relationship right at the end of a 3 year relationship that ended with her cheating on me. "It's not a rebound," I said to all my friends I have been isolated from.

2. she did inform me from the beginning that she was not looking for a father for her kids. I just kind of fell into this role.

3. the kids have two different dads. One passed away when SD was too young to remember, the other one assaulted BM and is not in the picture.

4. BM has cut ties with her family due to the abuse they put her through.

5. I'll try to make this as simple as I can.

Summer 2023, I was very emotionally and mentally unstable when I met BM (31) after I got out of an inpatient stay at the behavioral health center >!after a suicide attempt!<. I was desperate for human connection after my ex wife left me for a coworker we both worked with. I met BM when both of us were probably at some of our lowest at the time. She and I hit it off and became friends and then intimate very quickly. Neither of us were looking for a relationship. But we enjoyed each other's company and time together. She was reluctant for anyone new to meet her kids and I felt that was fair. She seemed very rational and intelligent to me.

At that point, she was jobless and couldn't get a job in her career of truck driving for reasons I won't state here. Her kids were in daycare and her car wasn't starting. She was reluctant at first but she asked me if I could drive her to pick her kids up from daycare. I met SD and SS that day and I began spending more and more time at her house. I enjoyed how happy the kids looked and how happy she looked with all of us together. I felt like I was living some kind of dream and it felt good. Eventually the kids began calling me dad. I started paying for the bills, the groceries and rent. I started taking care of the kids and really leaned into the parental role.

My friends and family began noticing things I was turning a blind eye to. They noticed I had distanced myself more and were becoming concerned that I was jumping into something I wasn't ready for. I assured them that I was okay and that because I was planning a family with my previous partner I was "already in the mindset to be a parent." BM and some of my friends started meeting each other. Long story short, she got into a screaming match with one of them after slamming her fists on the table in a restaurant over a disagreement about me. I was mortified and went outside to calm down. She yelled at me for not saying anything to my friend and demanded I message him and tell him how he was in the wrong. Not thinking clearly and not having time to process the embarrassment, I did what she told me to do.

She eventually had me cut him out. I did not want to acknowledge that happened so I didn't and I stayed. It gnawed at me how awful I had been to my friend. Eventually, I started cutting out people on my own because she would always ask who I was talking to on the phone or texting. I started putting my phone on silent. The vibrations from the phone would actually send me into fight or flight.

Our financial situation was always insecure. Often feeling very stressed by the time rent was due. We had taken the kids out of day care to save a bit of money. She attempted going back to work because she told me trucking made substantially more money than my career did. She applied over and over and would not get past the initial stages. This caused her mental health decline. The yelling became more frequent. The eggshells became more fragile. Her behavior was more cold and she became less like the person I was infatuated with at first. Her aggression never made it to the kids. I was free use though. Despite the cruelty, I tried to make sure she was okay while I was taking care of the kids and taking care of the house. Her depression started to become present in every waking hour.

We had trudged through the financial stresses just enough to be almost paycheck to paycheck. She has been bed rotting most of the time. I did not get to come home and sleep after working shifts that lasted 24+ hours. I took care of the kids and the house and her. I began experiencing hallucinations and emotional numbness. The bunch had become financial dependent on me and she acknowledged that the kids only had stability because of me. She started expressing self loathing after the kids were in bed. Often getting mad at me for passing out and then waking me up. She got (and still has) location update notifications so I'm being monitored at all times basically.

(I'm trying to wrap this up.) Fast forward to this year, she finally got a job earlier this year. When she got the offer she told me to put in my two week notice in at my job. It looked like she made a complete 180. She looked so happy and alive again and that's all I was holding out for. I told myself this whole time that she is going through a hard time and not acting like herself so don't judge her. It felt like a lot of my suffering had paid off. She is now driving a truck with a co-driver across the country for a month and a half at a time.

To make this shorter, I'm cutting out details that led up to her breaking up with me. It was over the phone after I had told her something very personal that I was scared for and really wanted her help and support. She called me later that night and told me she did not feel like she could be with me as a partner. I started reaching out to the people I betrayed at the start of this and they are so eager to have me back.

So here I am at 0530 lying in bed feeling defeated, lost and anxious. SD crawled into my bed because she had a nightmare. I love these kids so much. I am terrified of leaving them behind but I know that if I can't take care of myself then I can't properly take care of them. I have had at least five people telling me that I can move in with them. I don't feel like I have any more fight left in me and I almost feel like I deserve to be here because I couldn't stand up for myself. Boundaries have been attempted but were never respected.

Please, I need some kind of advice to keep the difficulty of this at a minimum. How do I leave the kids behind after I have been the only father figure they've known? I want to leave. I want nothing more than to just leave. But I feel hopeless. She is coming back to the house in a couple of days for the kids' first day of school and I am dreading every second that marches closer. I'm sorry if any of this is confusing. I am going to pass out and I'll try respond as much as I can when I get my day going