u/venusasaboy22

Okay...

I'm 20, and I'm from Greece. Live in Holland now with my parents. I'm a trans woman, in Holland, nobody knew me and I pass well enough that people just think I was always a girl. I got lucky in that regard, I was a very girly looking boy. And I want to say two things...

The first would be that even if I weren't trans, it would have been traumatic. Conscription is inherently traumatic, I think. The second is that my parents, themselves navy veterans, the both of them, they tried talking me out of going. They were distraught, but there are myths, people say if you don't go, you can't get a job. Or a driver's license. Or leave the country.

So at 18, I went to do my year in the military. Wasn't out as trans, not even to myself. And what followed was the ten worst months of my life. I don't really understand why it's so wrong of me to call conscription abuse, because what I experinced felt like exactly that: Being cut off from your support systems, worked hard but paid nothing, and the worst, I think, is having basic rights, like time with family, rationed out. You have to ask another adult for permission to see your own parents or partner.

And over time there, I started to crack. I felt dehumanized and was in a spiral of getting ill from the food there, recovering, getting ill again... And I remember, this one officer... We're still in touch, she's helping me with something, with a lawsuit for what happened, she cut my hair in a pixie, so I could look pretty within regulations. And a few days after that, one of the officers got on to me about having to cut it again.

I know it sounds silly but I felt so, like... Owned? That entire year, I felt owned, and at that stage, I was quite underweight, I was trying to hide a vomiting bug, and I knew that come that Friday, we'd have weapons training with the same man. I planned to shoot him. And then myself.

It's kind of harrowing because looking back, I hate how my mind went there. Not for him, but for my own sake... I hate it. And what it did to me. We had the training on a Friday and I spent Thursday trying to work up the courage to send a text to my family saying I was going to leave. And trying to figure out how to get him, first, then shoot myself quick enough that I wouldn't have been held down. And then that night I had a seizure.

I was sent home, given a month's leave, and my parents finally put the foot down. They were distraught, and told me I'm not allowed go back, and banned my brother from joining on the spot. A few days after he turned 18, my mom, she's a doctor, she wrote him a fake note.

It was about a year ago but I hate the feeling that I'm a bad person. I never want to go back to Greece.

I think it would do good to preface this by differenciating the culture of standing armies, from that of liberation struggles. I spend a lot of time reading about anticolonial rebellions and uprisings and celebrating those is a whole other thing. Where I'm from, Greece, we had our own wars for independence, against the Ottomans and the Nazi occupation, and I will never be against celebrating those, unless of course, it's used in a way that drives hate, like how some people would justify their hatred of Muslims by invoking the Ottomans.

What I mean here is, well... Based on personal experience, Greece still has conscription. I spent a year in the military when I was 18, and was left really shaken by it. I should say that I'm a trans woman, and even though I wasn't out then, I was very feminine appearance-wise, I'd often be called pretty, growing up. That didn't help, but gender aside, conscription is very dehumanizing.

So I saw, particularly at the oath ceremony at the end of training, this discrepancy between many conscripts, who were dreading the rest of their year here, and the pride from their parents, grandparents and partners. People take selfies with their sons or boyfriends in their uniforms, talk over dinner about how they look handsome, or how they'll look back on this and laugh, make friends, when frankly, that's not the experience that most people have.

My parents have a special place in my heart. I always mention how they both spend time in the military, in the navy, and actually tried very hard to talk me out of going, and how I went despite their pleas, thinking, due to a lot of myths, that if you don't go, then maybe you won't be able to get a job, or a driver's license, or leave the country. They later intervened and made me leave early, and aren't allowing my brother to join, and I'll always love them for that. For me, most of the... Toxic pride, as I'd call it, came from grandparents, and my partner's family. I remember my girlfriend's mom uploading that ceremony on TikTok, she was so proud. My girlfriend romanticized it a bit at the start, but to her credit, was very understanding as time went on.

Something about the way people were crying at that ceremony was strange, one of the guys I knew there said he felt hurt by how his parents all cried when they saw him, and how he thought it was because they'd miss him. But when he asked, they said he's made his entire family so proud, that it's like what his father did, and his grandfather, and he was the only one, out of his entire family, who wasn't feeling it.

So this is the point. When it's a country that forced people to serve, and often gives them nothing in return, does romanticizing that make it worse? Does it keep it going for longer and harming more people, and making them feel ashamed to look for ways out? I don't want other people feeling the way I did. I think that kind of glorification has to end.

I think it would do good to preface this by differenciating the culture of standing armies, from that of liberation struggles. I spend a lot of time reading about anticolonial rebellions and uprisings and celebrating those is a whole other thing. Where I'm from, Greece, we had our own wars for independence, against the Ottomans and the Nazi occupation, and I will never be against celebrating those, unless of course, it's used in a way that drives hate, like how some people would justify their hatred of Muslims by invoking the Ottomans.

What I mean here is, well... Based on personal experience, Greece still has conscription. I spent a year in the military when I was 18, and was left really shaken by it. I should say that I'm a trans woman, and even though I wasn't out then, I was very feminine appearance-wise, I'd often be called pretty, growing up. That didn't help, but gender aside, conscription is very dehumanizing.

So I saw, particularly at the oath ceremony at the end of training, this discrepancy between many conscripts, who were dreading the rest of their year here, and the pride from their parents, grandparents and partners. People take selfies with their sons or boyfriends in their uniforms, talk over dinner about how they look handsome, or how they'll look back on this and laugh, make friends, when frankly, that's not the experience that most people have.

My parents have a special place in my heart. I always mention how they both spend time in the military, in the navy, and actually tried very hard to talk me out of going, and how I went despite their pleas, thinking, due to a lot of myths, that if you don't go, then maybe you won't be able to get a job, or a driver's license, or leave the country. They later intervened and made me leave early, and aren't allowing my brother to join, and I'll always love them for that. For me, most of the... Toxic pride, as I'd call it, came from grandparents, and my partner's family. I remember my girlfriend's mom uploading that ceremony on TikTok, she was so proud. My girlfriend romanticized it a bit at the start, but to her credit, was very understanding as time went on.

Something about the way people were crying at that ceremony was strange, one of the guys I knew there said he felt hurt by how his parents all cried when they saw him, and how he thought it was because they'd miss him. But when he asked, they said he's made his entire family so proud, that it's like what his father did, and his grandfather, and he was the only one, out of his entire family, who wasn't feeling it.

So this is the point. When it's a country that forced people to serve, and often gives them nothing in return, does romanticizing that make it worse? Does it keep it going for longer and harming more people, and making them feel ashamed to look for ways out? I don't want other people feeling the way I did. I think that kind of glorification has to end.

I’m too exhausted to even format this properly right now but you know me. The annoying Greek girl who won’t shut up about conscription. Fine. Here’s another one, if I'm that much of pain in the ass, just block me or something.

I remember how all these fucking officers would check in Like, to make sure we'd called out families or partners everyday. All sweet concern, while they were the okay with us being in a shithole near the border with three days of leave every two months, paid 8 euro a month, I'm there genuinely deteriorating. Like, every fucking evening! Like making sure I performed emotional maintenance from inside a cage somehow absolved them.

It wasn’t care. And it made it worse. Because then I couldn’t even grieve properly, I had to perform being okay for everyone, so no one would say, “See? She’s handling it fine.” Well, he, I'm trans, I always looked like a fucking girl but back then I wasn't out. Gender aside, conscription is just dehumanizing as fuck. Like… if you really cared whether I spoke to my partner, maybe don’t force me to be there. The fact that most officers were nice was WORSE. With the few genuinely nasty ones, I knew where they stood. These freaks? No, no, people wonder why I hate them... Maybe don’t separate people from their lifelines and then pat yourself on the back for letting them whisper into a phone for ten minutes in the evening. Hate them.

And don’t tell me “everyone else managed fine", I know I feel like a broken record but the reason I mention how both my parents spent a few years there, and both of them really didn't want me to go and tried talking me out of it is because they fucking knew! And THEN, because of all these bullshit myths like, oh, if I don't go, I won't be able to get a job or driver's license, so I went, if I called them we'd just cry, they eventually made me leave, bless them...

I want accountability that hurts the way it hurt me. Not therapy speak. Not “move on.” Not “it made you stronger.” I want the people who designed this to feel, just once, what it’s like to have your fucking life monitored as a privilege instead of a right, and to watch someone you adore break down because you’re trapped, they feel guilt, my mom has drinking issues now because she feels she didn't do enough to get me out, so my brother is banned from joining... I hate those fucking officers, asking if I remembered to call them each night. They were fucking groomers.

I got no reward. No fucking closure. Just performance.

Having a clear answer to this could genuinely make a big difference for me.

Won't spend too long talking about myself! But basically, I'm Greek, trans girl, but wasn't out during mandatory military service, and, gender aside, I had a really bad year. My parents were brilliant, they kept telling me I don't have to go, but obviously there are myths and stuff, but anyway...

I don't want that year being a part of my history with my parents, or my partner, or anyone else. Because then I have to face the fact that I went for weeks on end, sometimes months, without seeing them. And if it can't be reframed, then it's kind of hopeless. Unless it turns out that actually, we were together all the time.

Because I spent a lot of time on the phone. Mostly to my partner, because with my parents, we'd just fucking cry and they kept telling me it's okay, I can come home, they'll help me, and I should have listened. Two or three video calls a week, conversations in bed, hundreds of texts every week, Zoom calls on my laptop, finding spots to eat alone and doing video calls with my partner while she had her dinner. None of it was beautiful, I hate romanticizing it, but I don't really care if it was shit at this stage, just rather or not I could say we were actually together.

Like, I thought about during Covid, people would do similar things, they'd do video calls, and I wanted to know if the same language would apply, like, would you say you saw someone yesterday, if you hadn't seen them in person in months but had a Zoom call? Or you talked to someone this morning? Is it the same?

Physical affection is where I start to kind of worry because when my parents were in the military, they talked about periods where one of them would be apart from the other and stuff like, turning around in bed but it's just them, so that part worries me, don't know how to solve that...

Having a clear answer to this could genuinely make a big difference for me.

Won't spend too long talking about myself! But basically, I'm Greek, trans girl, but wasn't out during mandatory military service, and, gender aside, I had a really bad year. My parents were brilliant, they kept telling me I don't have to go, but obviously there are myths and stuff, but anyway...

I don't want that year being a part of my history with my parents, or my partner, or anyone else. Because then I have to face the fact that I went for weeks on end, sometimes months, without seeing them. And if it can't be reframed, then it's kind of hopeless. Unless it turns out that actually, we were together all the time.

Because I spent a lot of time on the phone. Two or three video calls a week, conversations in bed, hundreds of texts ever week, Zoom calls on my laptop, finding spots to eat alone and doing video calls with my partner while she had her dinner. None of it was beautiful, I hate romanticizing it, but I don't really care if it was shit at this stage, just rather or not I could say we were actually together.

Like, I thought about during Covid, people would do similar things, they'd do video calls, and I wanted to know if the same language would apply, like, would you say you saw someone yesterday, if you hadn't seen them in person in months but had a Zoom call? Or you talked to someone this morning? Is it the same?

Physical affection is where I start to kind of worry because when my parents were in the military, they talked about periods where one of them would be apart from the other and stuff like, turning around in bed but it's just them, so that part worries me, don't know how to solve that...

And I know I'm on her a lot, you're probably sick of seeing my post. I'm the girl who's been talking about my experience with mandatory military service, in my country, Greece. And you're probably thinking, is that not only for men? It is. I'm trans. I wasn't out, back then. And it wasn't traumatic because of my gender, it was dehumanizing beyond that. But if I could even describe it, how that all felt, I want to talk it out, I want to know what I can do because I've tried the usual things, alright...

I wanted to talk about the unbearable idea that this made such a negative impact on my life, and the lives of those around me, with seemingly no positives so far. I remember my girlfriend crying her eyes out about me having to go, the guilt my parents felt, and the guilt that everything was giving me. How hard it was there and the complete lack of reward. The reason that I mention my parents both being navy veterans, and them both trying to encourage me to get an exemption, and really vouching for me, is to show that this idea that I'm the only one to ever have a problem with the military, it's not true. They've seen it, so they know. They're my heroes.

I didn't take them up on their offer because I feel for myths about how if I didn't go, it would stop me from being able to get a job, or leaving the country. And they later intervened to get me out because they couldn't take it, but I'm spiraling, I try to keep my posts short but to tell you everything, maybe they need to be longform, and I'm sorry... Even with the trans thing, I feel such a paranoia that I always feel the need to promise people, I really do look feminine, I'm pretty, I swear to God. That year, i felt like nothing. I felt abused.

Like, I want people to understand something. Like, I often think about some of the rules- How someone thought it was okay to pluck someone out of their life and give them three days of leave, every two months. Or, 8 euro a month pay. The way the food made me continuously ill... The way it damaged relationships.

And I just can't. I hug someone, kiss someone, spend time with the grandparents, my partner, my mind loops back around to how I couldn't, during that year. This idea of doing something so amazing now, or all the things I couldn't have done, they make it worse, not better. And Aside from my parents, and a few others, nearly everyone romanticized the military and people wonder why I've so little time for my family, online, I sound like the bad guy but I don't know how to take being around them because to them, this was beautiful but being told I'll look back on this and laugh, or I'll enjoy it and make friends, it's not beautiful to me.

What do I do? And then even, the way that the draft still exists so other people go through it, it means that I can't put this at the back of my mind, I want to end conscription but I need more closure, not shitty rituals... It's like, where is the sense of satisfaction? I need help, I want something out of this, something real, a reward that makes it worth it, accountability as well. Because while I was there, I read A Little Life, and it terrified me, made me see what will happen if I get nothing out of this.

Like, in the long run, I want to be the person who ends the draft. But on the road to that, I will keep fucking spiralling, unless I have an idea of what could close this loop.

I've been nervous about this. I'm that annoying Greek girl, I've gotten sick of giving the whole stupid backstory here so I'll link another post with the rest. The short version: Conscription ruined my life. Most people pressured me to go. My parents, both navy veterans, actually tried helping me draft dodge, bless them, but there were lots of myths like, how, if I didn't go, I wouldn't be able to get a job, whatever.

Anyway... Look I'm nervous. I ended up having a horrible year. Not even because I'm trans, I wasn't out at the time, I was girly looking and pretty, but not trans. But the camp commander, it's a lady in her probably late 30s, I talked about another officer before, another girl who was very kind to me, it's not her, it's a different one, we were on the phone recently because I'm suing the military. I'm suing them for mental damages.

And she actually rang up to say that I deserved better. And if she knew things, like that I was with my girlfriend, or that I missed home, she'd have given me more time off. And I was actually really fucking moved. Like, she was sincere and all, I was so moved- But then I thought... What right did she have to decide when I get to see my loved ones, like that isn't a basic fucking right?? What the fuck!!?

So I told her to go fuck herself. The first time. But we're meeting. Again. She's coming out to Holland to meet me, my parents brought me out here for a while, nobody knows I'm trans, I feel like a real girl, we live near the Vermeer museum, love it. And, look... On the phone, she said that she wasn't good at her job. And she let me down. And that her son is "In the army", now, and he's struggling, and that she knows I help people leave, and if I could think about doing it even for him, and not her, could I?

First of all: No. My website, the one I set up to help people leave, is a guide with information that actually quite easy to find. The fact that she thinks I have some magic fix, rather than showing people that actually, it's very easy, the myths are bullshit, just goes to show how out of touch that she is. No, I'm not helping her son. She can look it up herself. It's shit when you realize how much you miss someone, isn't it?

Second: When we meet, I'm nervous, I said to my parents they might have to hold me back. My mom says that she's going to tell her the truth: She wasn't good at her job, and is a net negative. And a failure.

Fuck fuck fuck I've been nervous about this. I'm that annoying Greek girl, I've gotten sick of giving the whole stupid backstory here so I'll link another post with the rest. The short version: Conscription ruined my life. Most people pressured me to go. My parents, both navy veterans, actually tried helping me draft dodge, bless them, but there were lots of myths like, how, if I didn't go, I wouldn't be able to get a job, whatever.

Anyway... Look I'm nervous, I'm fucking nervous. I ended up having a horrible year. Not even because I'm trans, I wasn't out at the time, I was girly looking and pretty, but not trans. But the camp commander, it's a lady in her probably late 30s, I talked about another officer before, another girl who was very kind to me, it's not her, it's a different one, we were on the phone recently because I'm suing the military. I'm suing them for mental damages.

And she actually rang up to say that I deserved better. And if she knew things, like that I was with my girlfriend, or that I missed home, she'd have given me more time off. And I was actually really fucking moved. Like, she was sincere and all, I was so moved- But then I thought... What right did she have to decide when I get to see my loved ones, like that isn't a basic fucking right?? What the fuck!!?

So I told her to go fuck herself. The first time. But we're meeting. Again. She's coming out to Holland to meet me, my parents brought me out here for a while, nobody knows I'm trans, I feel like a real girl, we live near the Vermeer museum, love it. And, look... On the phone, she said that she wasn't good at her job. And she let me down. And that her son is "In the army", now, and he's struggling, and that she knows I help people leave, and if I could think about doing it even for him, and not her, could I?

First of all: No. My website, the one I set up to help people leave, is a guide with information that actually quite easy to find. The fact that she thinks I have some magic fix, rather than showing people that actually, it's very easy, the myths are bullshit, just goes to show how out of touch that she is. No, I'm not helping her son. She can look it up herself. It's shit when you realize how much you miss someone, isn't it?

Second: When we meet, I'm nervous, I said to my parents they might have to hold me back. My mom says that she's going to tell her the truth: She wasn't good at her job, and is a net negative. And a failure.

Okay, NSFW, kind of out of it right now, I'll just link some other fucking post, I'm the annoying Greek girl. I keep posting about conscription.

Since I keep getting assholes going, "Hurr durr you're the only person to complain about this, everyone else got on fine", well, you wanna know why this was so fucking horrible? I'll give you one...

So yeah, I'm trans. It's the one thing that gives me confidence, I wasn't out then, it wasn't traumatic because I'm trans- I was a femboy, then. I don't wear makeup, now. To prove a point, like, look at me before and after HRT- Not much of a fucking difference, because I was born for this! I'm not a narcissist, it's just, knowing that people find me pretty, it's given me a bit of a boost and when I was there, one of the fucking only moments that I thought meant something was when this officer, this lady, who was kind to me, she cut my hair like a pixie, the one kinda nice cut that was in line with shitty length regulations.

So for a few hours, I'm walking around feeling pretty as hell. I couldn't grow facial hair, I went out in normal clothes for an hour or so, people thought I was a woman.. And no, no I can't fucking have a whole nice day, can I? Can I!? The fucking food there... EVery day was a battle, don't eat, and feel sick, or eat, and feel sick. Every fucking dad. You'd get paid 8 euro a month so getting food somewhere else was out the window. So then I'm there, half the toilets were out of order, I'm running around trying to find somewhere, pushing past these fucking officers constantly asking me how I am when I fucking hate them, I ended up having to shit into a plastic bag, right outside the base, wearing gloves, having to clean myself up, fucking praying that nobody sees me...

That didn't make my top 10 worst days. Not even the fucking top 10. You know, like... I came from Thessaloniki, which is enough of a shithole on its own... Then I'm sent to an even bigger shithole, along the border. It felt so comically humiliating, I can't help laughing. Fucking horrible year.

Okay, NSFW, kind of out of it right now, I'll just link some other fucking post, I'm the annoying Greek girl. I keep posting about conscription.

Since I keep getting assholes going, "Hurr durr you're the only person to complain about this, everyone else got on fine", well, you wanna know why this was so fucking horrible? I'll give you one...

So yeah, I'm trans. It's the one thing that gives me confidence, I wasn't out then, it wasn't traumatic because I'm trans- Conscription is dehumanizing as fuck regardless- But yeah, I was a femboy, then. I don't wear makeup, now. To prove a point, like, look at me before and after HRT- Not much of a fucking difference, because I was born for this! I'm not a narcissist, it's just, knowing that people find me pretty, it's given me a bit of a boost and when I was there, one of the fucking only moments that I thought meant something was when this officer, this lady, who was kind to me, she cut my hair like a pixie, the one kinda nice cut that was in line with shitty length regulations.

So for a few hours, I'm walking around feeling pretty as hell. I couldn't grow facial hair, I went out in normal clothes for an hour or so, people thought I was a woman.. And no, no I can't fucking have a whole nice day, can I? Can I!? The fucking food there... Every day was a battle, don't eat, and feel sick, or eat, and feel sick. Every fucking day. You'd get paid 8 euro a month so getting food somewhere else was out the window. So then I'm there, half the toilets were out of order, I'm running around trying to find somewhere, pushing past these fucking officers constantly asking me how I am when I fucking hate them, I ended up having to shit into a plastic bag, right outside the base, wearing gloves, having to clean myself up, fucking praying that nobody sees me...

That didn't make my top 10 worst days. Not even the fucking top 10. You know, like... I came from Thessaloniki, which is enough of a shithole on its own... Then I'm sent to an even bigger shithole, along the border. WHY DON'T I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE ANGRY?

My parents brought me to Holland recently, we're Greek but we've been living here for a bit, and when I got here, it kind of gave me a boost. A few people have said that I look like my mom, and she does modelling so I was delighted. When I told people I'm trans, they didn't believe me! Like, I started a job recently at a Lidl, for anyone who doesn't know, it's this German supermarket chain. And the man doing my interview thing asked if I'd like to mention anything before we finish, and I said, I don't know if you need to know this, but I'm trans. And he's like, Oh my God, really?

I've a little part time in the bakery. It's two or three days a week and the only downside is having to wear a silly bouffant cap! But I noticed how my coworkers have started calling me a woman, like, not a trans woman, just a woman, and I feel so natural now. It's like, I said to my mom dad that I feel like a real girl, and he tells me I am a real girl.

Or yesterday, a lady was in with her kids picking out pastries, and I can't speak a lot of Dutch yet, but she said something like, "Say thank you to the girl", it made me smile so much.

Fuck fuck fuck I've been nervous about this. I'm that annoying Greek girl, I've gotten sick of giving the whole stupid backstory here so I'll link another post with the rest. The short version: Conscription ruined my life. Most people pressured me to go. My parents, both navy veterans, actually tried helping me draft dodge, bless them, but there were lots of myths like, how, if I didn't go, I wouldn't be able to get a job, whatever.

Anyway... Look I'm nervous, I'm fucking nervous. I ended up having a horrible year. Not even because I'm trans, I wasn't out at the time, I was girly looking and pretty, but not trans. But the camp commander, it's a lady in her probably late 30s, I talked about another officer before, another girl who was very kind to me, it's not her, it's a different one, we were on the phone recently because I'm suing the military. I'm suing them for mental damages.

And she actually rang up to say that I deserved better. And if she knew things, like that I was with my girlfriend, or that I missed home, she'd have given me more time off. And I was actually really fucking moved. Like, she was sincere and all, I was so moved- But then I thought... What right did she have to decide when I get to see my loved ones, like that isn't a basic fucking right?? What the fuck!!?

But we're meeting. Again. She's coming out to Holland to meet me, my parents brought me out here for a while, nobody knows I'm trans, I feel like a real girl, we live near the Vermeer museum, love it. And, look... On the phone, she said that she wasn't good at her job. And she let me down. And that her son is "In the army", now, and he's struggling, and that she knows I help people leave, and if I could think about doing it even for him, and not her, could I?

First of all: No. My website, the one I set up to help people leave, is a guide with information that actually quite easy to find. The fact that she thinks I have some magic fix, rather than showing people that actually, it's very easy, the myths are bullshit, just goes to show how out of touch that she is. No, I'm not helping her son. She can look it up herself. It's shit when you realize how much you miss someone, isn't it?

Second: When we meet, I'm nervous, I said to my parents they might have to hold me back. My mom says that she's going to tell her the truth: She wasn't good at her job, and is a net negative. And a failure.

Fuck fuck fuck I've been nervous about this. I'm that annoying Greek girl, I've gotten sick of giving the whole stupid backstory here so I'll link another post with the rest. The short version: Conscription ruined my life. Most people pressured me to go. My parents, both navy veterans, actually tried helping me draft dodge, bless them, but there were lots of myths like, how, if I didn't go, I wouldn't be able to get a job, whatever.

Anyway... Look I'm nervous, I'm fucking nervous. I ended up having a horrible year. Not even because I'm trans, I wasn't out at the time, I was girly looking and pretty, but not trans. But the camp commander, it's a lady in her probably late 30s, I talked about another officer before, another girl who was very kind to me, it's not her, it's a different one, we were on the phone recently because I'm suing the military. I'm suing them for mental damages.

And she actually rang up to say that I deserved better. And if she knew things, like that I was with my girlfriend, or that I missed home, she'd have given me more time off. And I was actually really fucking moved. Like, she was sincere and all, I was so moved- But then I thought... What right did she have to decide when I get to see my loved ones, like that isn't a basic fucking right?? What the fuck!!?

But we're meeting. Again. She's coming out to Holland to meet me, my parents brought me out here for a while, nobody knows I'm trans, I feel like a real girl, we live near the Vermeer museum, love it. And, look... On the phone, she said that she wasn't good at her job. And she let me down. And that her son is "In the army", now, and he's struggling, and that she knows I help people leave, and if I could think about doing it even for him, and not her, could I?

First of all: No. My website, the one I set up to help people leave, is a guide with information that actually quite easy to find. The fact that she thinks I have some magic fix, rather than showing people that actually, it's very easy, the myths are bullshit, just goes to show how out of touch that she is. No, I'm not helping her son. She can look it up herself. It's shit when you realize how much you miss someone, isn't it?

Second: When we meet, I'm nervous, I said to my parents they might have to hold me back. My mom says that she's going to tell her the truth: She wasn't good at her job, and is a net negative. And a failure.

Greek army rant girl, I won't take up too much of anyone's time. I'm just trying to figure something out here...

Basically, really short version if anyone hasn't seen any of my posts: I'm Greek, wasn't out as trans when I was 18, did a year of mandatory military service. My parents, bless them, tried telling me they'll help me and my brother get exemptions because they were both in the military and said it's not nice, but there are a lot of myths like, "If you don't do it, you won't be able to get a job." I went, it ruined my life. Now my brother is banned from going at all, but basically, loads of things are triggers, like, just off the top of my head, I don't sleep in a bed anymore because beds make me think of bunks which make me think of being there, my parents made me a blanket fort.

Now, while I was there, I read A Little Life, and it absolutely crushed any belief I had in how I could "overcome" this, because I realized that without getting something in return, I wouldn't be able to move on. But I'm suing them, an officer who was really nice to me there, she's supporting me. But once I get something back, I don't want to remember that year. Like, at all. Like, I want it where, if someone asked me if I remember being "In the army", I'd be confused as fuck. Especially now, me and my family have been living in Holland for a few months, people don't know I'm trans and it's lovely because to them I'm just a girl.

There got to be something like in that Eternal Sunshine movie. Like, there has to be something even close to it? All these silly narrative things like, "Make a pact that your life only began afterwards", is stupid, even with my relationships, me and my girlfriend don't want that year to be part of our story, I want to just excise it, I want it gone, I hate it. Like, the military wasn't "Challenging but beautiful" or some sort of test, it was straight up disgusting, it gave me nothing of value, I refuse to see it as a lesson, it was like a complete, total net negative. I swear that there has to be a way to completely erase it, so that I can move on.

I'm from Greece but my parents brought me to Holland after something happened back home (Not even trans related!) and my mom models for some local companies and we did some little shoots together.

I'm also a history enthusiast and I've played every Assassins Creed game. I'm 20 and work at a bakery, AMA!

Won't be one of my ranty posts, I'm the annoying Greek trans girl who's been on a lot of subs, won't be ranting.

For the past month or so, I've just been continuously drunk, I went back and read some of my posts, and... Yikes.

Anyway, my parents brought me to Holland, it was originally going to be for a holiday, but they said we can stay as long as I want to. I like Vermeer paintings, so they took me to Delft, so I'm in walking distance of a museum with some of them in. I don't really know much Dutch, still learning, but I noticed that people don't know I'm trans. I think I was lucky in that regard, I was very androgynous before I started transitioning, and my mom cut her hair short to give me extensions, in the interview the other day, the guy was really nice, we spoke in English and he asked if there's anything else I'd like him to know. I said I don't know if I'm meant to tell you, but I was born a boy. And he's like, Wait, seriously? I liked him and he's nice, the other people there are nice too...

I'm fucking nervous! First day at work, I'm in a Lidl shop, if anyone doesn't know Lidl, it's a German supermarket chain. I'm in the bakery, the guy doing the interview said I might like it if I'm still only learning Dutch. It's like, two or three days a week, a few hours for each one, I started yesterday and it was actually kind of nice. The only drawback is having to wear one of those silly bouffant caps. My parents told me not to worry about a job, just focus on getting back in a normal routine and my transition. I kind of wanted to try something, though, for myself.

It feels so weird though and I'm constantly afraid of messing it up. I've only ever worked with my mom, I was the receptionist at the medical practice she worked at, back in Greece, after I came home from this thing last year, then we did modelling together a few times. It's... The first one just me. And I've been worrying about turning up late, or people not liking me, or getting into trouble... I hope I settle in.