u/venusasaboy22

Not gonna make this about my personal story too much but just so you know why I'm asking: I'm Greek, there's mandatory military service for men. I'm trans, but wasn't out at the time, at 18, I did a year there and it was absolutely horrible.

What's funny is, most officers were genuinely kind and so I've two separate questions here, really:

The first is, what makes someone feel entitled to enforce rules on people they know are coerced, are often there against their will, can be dealing with really bad mental health issues- Things like, say, refusing to let someone out to see family or a partner, making them salute and respect you when you didn't actually do anything to make yourself worthy of their respect, controlling when they work, enforcing things like haircuts, just anything like that.

The second is, for the kind officers: What would make them feel like it's enough to, say, give you an extra weekend off to see people you should have a right to see everyday? Or, like, know you miss your partner desperately, so maybe arrange a day with them? I even had a few who felt really great about themselves for giving me little "gifts" like that when to me, it was dripfeeding basic rights. Saying, basically, "This isn't fair, you should be treated better" but still wanting you to be there regardless.

The first bracket is particularly interesting because those harsher officers wouldn't have been punished for not enforcing rules. Like I mentioned before, the camp commander was intensely caring towards me and even motherly. She straight up told me, I don't have to cut my hair if I don't want to, and didn't punish me for sneaking out without asking anyone. But other officers did.

Last year my grandparents on my dad's side were making light of something really tough that happened to me. I remember both my parents getting angry at them and defending me, but it got really ugly. I kind of thought my grandparents would quieten down, they did for a while, but it kicked back off, I felt like I was being interrogated every time they were around.

Eventually, my dad told them that if they say another mean thing to me, he'll hit them. It kind of shook them, but later on my granny said I was being ridiculous and saying that if I didn't make such a big fuss, none of this would have happened! They always treat my mom like a bad influence, she's older than my dad and they married young, but they love each other a lot and I could see him looking at the way his mom was behaving. And he slapped her.

It wasn't okay, but look, I remember she started crying about how her own son hit her, and my dad was like, "You did it to me all the time to me when I was little."

I felt so fucking bad for him it's on my mind today 😭

Okay: So I'm 20, I was born male but recently found out I never went through male puberty. For the longest time, I always thought I was intersex, got tested for that months ago, that came back negative. My mom is a doctor and I was a very androgynous teen but my dad kind of was too, she never pressured me to get tested for anything, I'm sure there were some signs that I overlooked, but anyway...

I'm only going through puberty now, and it's as a woman. I came out as trans when I was 19 and because I never had all those changes as a young man, it actually worked in my favour now and I'm smoothing over well, people take me for a cis woman, but sometimes I'm getting confused because I've never been through this at the age I was meant to be! And I didn't know pubes were a thing. Genuinely.

I noticed... Hair, growing in that area, a few weeks back. And I was kind of afraid to look, and then got more and more worried to the point that I thought HRT wasn't working or it was triggering male hormones instead of female and I was getting extra hair?? And I didn't know what to fucking do and eventually I told my mom I'm afraid and there's weird hair growing without trying to say the exact spot.

And she's like, "Oh don't worry that's normal, everyone has it! You can shave it if you want."

I hadn't a fucking clue 😭

This isn't really exclusively trans related, but I'm kinda weary of transphobia in a lot of communities. She's not actually related to me, but felt like family for a while. Let me explain.

Two years ago I (20) started mandatory military service in my country. It's somewhere in Southern Europe and has nice food, if you know you know. My parents had both spent a few years in the military and didn't want their kids going, but I was afraid of getting in legal trouble and when they told me they'll help me get out, I kind of went anyway and they worried about me for months. I arrived pretty vulnerable, I was the youngest and had a condition that I'll get to- But the camp commander there noticed me pretty early on. It was a woman in her 30s, we'll call her K.

She recently admitted that she knows she should have discharged me earlier, but she really loved having me around and I made her feel very motherly. But it was selfish of her, and she's very sorry. And I've been... Really, really torn up about it. I came home nearly a year and a half ago, ten months into what was meant to be a year term, my parents couldn't really take worrying as my mental health kept getting worse, they made me come home. They've been incredibly protective of me.

If it explains anything, I have a condition, I recently was diagnosed, where I never went through puberty as a teenager. I was tall, but honestly, went into the military as this very androgynous, very young looking kid, emotionally I was scared as fuck. At 19 I started transitioning and I'm finding that easy because with HRT, I'm kind of adapting really well into a woman's body. K has been very supportive. Recently she's felt awful. You know, her and another young woman there, call her A, gonna call her A, we were like some silly trio. I'd hang out with them and we'd watch movies, we'd go to the beach. I remember in the last few months, they'd ask me what countries I'd love to visit. So, say if I said Japan, we'd watch a Ghibli movie, order sushi, that sort of thing. It was stupid, really.

My parents are protective and they hate K now. I hated her for a long time and honestly, sometimes I made up shit to post to complain about her, acting like she was a random person who got back in touch with me out of the blue, not my friend. I'm fucking torn. It was selfish what she did. But she was my friend and I want to be angry but I miss her. Me and my parents live in Holland now and I hate my country but sometimes I miss it or who I was with her and A. They helped me maybe realize I'm trans, keeping me on was selfish but with that said, they were never manipulative, coercive, it was nothing like that. One of my favourite moments was one time on a day off, they took me to the beach and said we were kinda like Donald, Goofy- And I expected her to say Mickey Mouse, but they said Sora because they knew I liked Kingdom Hearts, lol.

I'm really fucking torn...

Just before I begin: I’m really bad with ruminating, like, about anything. So I limit how often I post about this stuff- It's usually about once a month. I’m interested in a thoughtful discussion, but I'm kind of torn between wanting to be convinced and also not wanting false comfort that I'll later feel skeptical about. Honestly, I do gravitate a bit more towards idealism. Just, for personal reasons though, this genuinely could help me a lot. I’m curious about idealism, dual aspect monism, even panpsychism honestly. So I kinda just wanna see, like, what scientific evidence or line of research has most strongly influenced your view?

It could be anything. Like, one strand would be the NDE stuff, end of life phenomena, terminal lucidity, dissociative phenomena, some interesting stuff with DID and psychedelics. Another would be more broad scientific theories that suggest something like this. Like, I know some people interpret simulation theory through a non-materialist view, so that interests me too.

Testimony can be beautiful, but here I'm kinda more interested in evidence that you think creates an actual difficulty for straightforward physicalism, or at least makes idealism scientifically plausible.

I’d also be interested in seeing good responses to common physicalist explanations. Like, I always get caught on the thought that if any brain activity is present during an experience, that automatically proves the brain generated the whole experience. But the conclusion seems stronger than the observation itself- brain activity might establish a correlation without exactly settling the direction or nature of what caused it. How would you respond to arguments like that without dismissing neuroscience?

If you got sources, feel free to link them, or academic books, exchanges between researchers. If not, then don't worry. I'm just interested in learning more honestly.

Just before I begin: I’m really bad with ruminating, like, about anything. So I limit how often I post about this stuff- It's usually about once a month. I’m interested in a thoughtful discussion, but I'm kind of torn between wanting to be convinced and also not wanting false comfort that I'll later feel skeptical about. Honestly, I do gravitate a bit more towards idealism. Just, for personal reasons though, this genuinely could help me a lot. I’m curious about idealism, dual aspect monism, even panpsychism honestly. So I kinda just wanna see, like, what scientific evidence or line of research has most strongly influenced your view?

It could be anything. Like, one strand would be the NDE stuff, end of life phenomena, terminal lucidity, dissociative phenomena, some interesting stuff with DID and psychedelics. Another would be more broad scientific theories that suggest something like this. Like, I know some people interpret simulation theory through a non-materialist view, so that interests me too.

Testimony can be beautiful, but here I'm kinda more interested in evidence that you think creates an actual difficulty for straightforward physicalism, or at least makes idealism scientifically plausible.

I’d also be interested in seeing good responses to common physicalist explanations. Like, I always get caught on the thought that if any brain activity is present during an experience, that automatically proves the brain generated the whole experience. But the conclusion seems stronger than the observation itself- brain activity might establish a correlation without exactly settling the direction or nature of what caused it. How would you respond to arguments like that without dismissing neuroscience?

If you got sources, feel free to link them, or academic books, exchanges between researchers. If not, then don't worry. I'm just interested in learning more honestly.

Just before I begin: I’m really bad with ruminating, like, about anything. So I limit how often I post about this stuff- It's usually about once a month. I’m interested in a thoughtful discussion, but I'm kind of torn between wanting to be convinced and also not wanting false comfort that I'll later feel skeptical about. Honestly, I do gravitate a bit more towards idealism. Just, for personal reasons though, this genuinely could help me a lot. I’m curious about idealism, dual aspect monism, even panpsychism honestly. So I kinda just wanna see, like, what scientific evidence or line of research has most strongly influenced your view?

It could be anything. Like, one strand would be the NDE stuff, end of life phenomena, terminal lucidity, dissociative phenomena, some interesting stuff with DID and psychedelics. Another would be more broad scientific theories that suggest something like this. Like, I know some people interpret simulation theory through a non-materialist view, so that interests me too.

Testimony can be beautiful, but here I'm kinda more interested in evidence that you think creates an actual difficulty for straightforward physicalism, or at least makes idealism scientifically plausible.

I’d also be interested in seeing good responses to common physicalist explanations. Like, I always get caught on the thought that if any brain activity is present during an experience, that automatically proves the brain generated the whole experience. But the conclusion seems stronger than the observation itself- brain activity might establish a correlation without exactly settling the direction or nature of what caused it. How would you respond to arguments like that without dismissing neuroscience?

If you got sources, feel free to link them, or academic books, exchanges between researchers. If not, then don't worry. I'm just interested in learning more honestly.

Haven't posted in a good bit about this. A few weeks back, the ruminations just suddenly quieted drastically, I don't know why. I was the Greek girl who kept posting about conscription ruining my life.

See, many of the officers there were kind and protective. I found it abusive for other reasons: It's basically indentured labour and shouldn't be legal. You're exploited then dumped and not paid. Regardless, many officers were... Not really what you expect from a military environment. In my experience. Can't speak for everywhere in Greece. For a start, a good two thirds of the officers were women. For both the men and women, many were young, kind, and acted more as teachers with their students.

I still snapped at the camp commander, just before my last month there, when she told me she wants me to take a week off, because I deserve it, and wants me to see my family and girlfriend. I told her that that's a basic right, and dripfeeding me my rights isn't kindness. But the thing is, she was kind. I had a group, with her, another woman, and the guy who ran the WhatsApp group. I was the youngest conscript, just turned 18. And I made a post another day about another piece of the puzzle.

I always thought I was intersex, but recently found out I had a condition where my body is... Basically a natural puberty blocker. It's why I looked so feminine growing up. It's not an illness, but I literally never went through male puberty. It's why transitioning, when I cane out this year at 19, was so easy. My parents, both navy veterans, were heroes. They tried really hard to get it through to me that they'll help me draft dodge. I was scared of legal issues, so I gave in and went and they were distraught. The officers promised to take care of me. At this point I still considered myself a boy, but was maybe exploring femboy stuff. A lot of other conscripts were also kind and treated me like a younger... Brother? Sister? I don't really know.

But the commander recently confessed that she knew she should have discharged me earlier, for my mental health. But she really loved having me around, I made TikToks and she said it made her feel kind of motherly to look after me. But that it was selfish of her, and she's sorry.

Damn right it was selfish! That was the worst year of my life, I remember the tail end, another officer I'm close with trying to cheer me up. I'd be around at hers. I'd tell her places I'd love to go so like, if it was Japan, we'd watch a Ghibli movie, order sushi, pretend we were somewhere else. But it wasn't Japan, it was a shitty bungalow in Kavala. I don't feel grateful for it, even.

Okay, I wanna try and figure this out while the memories are kinda less intrusive.

I haven't posted in weeks, but if anyone remembers the Greek girl who had a horrible time during military service, that was me.

Basically, I'd be getting very intense intrusive thoughts and memories about that time an the effect it had on my family- My parents, both navy veterans, kept trying to tell me they'll help me draft dodge but I was worried, so they have so much guilt. My girlfriend talked about stuff like coming home to an empty house, crying all the time, and feeling helpless because I was getting very ill there. Anyway, it has been very, like, limiting, for the past year and a half, since I got out of the military. I'd keep thinking about it and it would kinda ruin everything.

About a month ago, it just quieted. Like, really suddenly, went from a few thoughts a minute to a few an hour. I want to know, because I can feel it getting a little bit more intense, now, what could help, like, "unattach" the memories? I'm currently fine with a lot of things but, for example, it's ruined romance and my relationship. It would be like, we'd kiss, I'll thin about something like how we were made be apart, and I'd feel really angry. Same with going back to Greece. I'm suing the military over me getting very ill so while I live with my parents in Holland now, I have to be in Greece a lot, for that. So my thought process would be like, "Greece -> Military -> Anger." In case anyone is wondering, yeah girls aren't normally drafted. I'm trans. I used to be a femboy, lol.

Look, I've tried SSRIs, done a full course of TMS, EMDR actually made it worse, various medications, neurofeedback, CBT, memory reconsolidation, I tried things like having interruption phrases and that Tetris thing (Think about the memory then play something like Tetris for 10 minutes), and nothing has worked. As in, there has been no progress in helping with this.

What are some good, like, "desperation" level things?

Okay, I wanna try and figure this out while the memories are kinda less intrusive.

I haven't posted in weeks, but if anyone remembers the Greek girl who had a horrible time during military service, that was me.

Basically, I'd be getting very intense intrusive thoughts and memories about that time an the effect it had on my family- My parents, both navy veterans, kept trying to tell me they'll help me draft dodge but I was worried, so they have so much guilt. My girlfriend talked about stuff like coming home to an empty house, crying all the time, and feeling helpless because I was getting very ill there. Anyway, it has been very, like, limiting, for the past year and a half, since I got out of the military. I'd keep thinking about it and it would kinda ruin everything.

About a month ago, it just quieted. Like, really suddenly, went from a few thoughts a minute to a few an hour. I want to know, because I can feel it getting a little bit more intense, now, what could help, like, "unattach" the memories? I'm currently fine with a lot of things but, for example, it's ruined romance and my relationship. It would be like, we'd kiss, I'll thin about something like how we were made be apart, and I'd feel really angry. Same with going back to Greece. I'm suing the military over me getting very ill so while I live with my parents in Holland now, I have to be in Greece a lot, for that. So my thought process would be like, "Greece -> Military -> Anger." In case anyone is wondering, yeah girls aren't normally drafted. I'm trans. I used to be a femboy, lol.

Look, I've tried SSRIs, done a full course of TMS, EMDR actually made it worse, various medications, neurofeedback, CBT, memory reconsolidation, I tried things like having interruption phrases and that Tetris thing (Think about the memory then play something like Tetris for 10 minutes), and nothing has worked. As in, there has been no progress in helping with this.

What are some good, like, "desperation" level things?

Okay. Haven't posted here in a few weeks, because I was getting very bad intrusive thoughts and memories that kind of quieted. I don't know how they did. But it's giving me a bit of a letup to try and sort things out.

If anyone remembers, I'm the Greek girl who was posting here a lot about my experience with conscription. I'm 20 now, when I was 18 I was drafted (Girls aren't normally drafted, I'll explain my circumstances in a minute), my parents didn't want me to go and tried helping me draft dodge, but I was scared of the legal consequences.

The thing is, I feel I've nowhere to truly put my anger and it's making me wonder if I'm being... Spoiled? Or entitled? Nearly all of the officers were actually very kind. A good two thirds were actually women and many officers were kind of chilled out, or did sports with us, and sometimes you had them, many in their late 20s or early 30s, trying to be fashionable or trendy in front of younger conscripts, and making me cringe a lot.

Recently, the camp commander admitted that she should have discharged me, because of my mental health, but that she would have missed me. And she's sorry. Like, it's put me in a bind. There's state policy: You're sent far from home, without your consent. You're cut off from support systems, made to do unpaid labour. I remember once, telling the commander that it's not sweet that she's giving me an extra weekend off to see my family, she's just dripfeeding me basic rights. And she felt really bad. I knew these people as friends, maybe.

I'm trans and I recently found out why I was so girly back then. Wasn't out till after that year, but I've been diagnosed with a condition where I never went through puberty, so I was tall but looked younger and maybe soft, my first time going through puberty is now, on HRT. But yeah, they saw me as vulnerable and lovable. I see that year as very traumatic because particularly basic training left me feeling very objectified. It's abusive, but more as a system. I don't know who to feel angry at or if I should be angry.

Basically, I'm getting back the first results, they came in the other day. For years, I thought I was intersex. It turns out it was something different, and my body was basically a natural puberty blocker. I literally never developed as a "man", and at 18, I was tall but had people mistake me for a teenage girl.

I'm lowkey emotional, honestly. The first time I actually experienced puberty was starting my medical transition, at age 20. Because I'm a trans girl, but when I tell people I was born a boy, they don't believe me. That was at the start of this year. And I hated my appearance, as a kid, but looking back, maybe I should have felt pretty. I do now.