u/youthinkicare22

My husband and I met back in 2019, after speaking online for years beforehand. He was fully aware of all of my struggles. My eating disorder, my weight, and my social anxiety that left me somewhat reclusive only interacting with close family and friends online. He knew that I wore a mask, hoodie, and sometimes sunglasses out in public. He told me he was the last person who’d ever judge me over it, that he wore a hoodie and sunglasses due to anxiety before. He acted like he related and accepted me 100%. Then we met in person, and he rejected me. He seemed embarrassed in public not wanting to hold hands, or do other things he talked about online, claiming he disliked pda.

I managed to lose weight before and after we met, and he eventually showed interest, but it felt forced. For a year he frequently turned me down and refused PDA. I asked him to be honest, to tell me he didn’t find me attractive or that he was embarrassed of me, but he said neither were true. He tried to push me to speak to his family, knowing I’d struggle, getting angry when I did. He avoided his friends and said he was avoiding them before I came. He called me inept after we ran into one of them, and I remained silent. I had an eating disorder still, as did he, and we’d often go to shops and buy junk food. He’d get anxious in the small shop in his village as he said the employees judged us. He said he was if we bought normal food but he still seemed anxious. He avoided

He broke down and told me he had OCD about not finding me attractive. He started taking meds he said killed his libido. For months he showed barely any interest up until I lost more weight, and dressed differently. He said if I looked as I did then, when we met, he would’ve been all over me. I doubted his libido was low. I caught him looking at porn, which he denied, and then said was to test himself. I started to suspect he was cheating due to various suspicious actions, and how he was treating me. I doubted he was attracted to me still. He continued to criticise my anxiety, and how I’d go quiet around people, with him talking on behalf of me at times. He said it made us both look stupid and that people were giving us dirty looks.

He refused to go into places with me until I pushed myself to talk to someone. Afterwards, I said I was proud of myself and he said the same. But then he told the woman, who was wearing a mask due to Covid, had frowned at me. I asked why he said that and he said he didn’t know why. He told me later that day that two guys, who were laughing behind us at an ATM, were laughing at me. When I got upset, he ditched me in the city. I made progress in time with talking to people, but any time I slipped up he would complain about how awkward it was, and would tell me people gave me weird looks. I never stopped believing he was embarrassed of me. He would go quiet on me around people, often times women, and told me it was because he had anxiety talking around others.

If he were to run into anyone he knew, even slightly, he’d stand and talk to them just fine, regardless of how many people were around. He said he felt like he had to. He would seem more focused on other people, usually women, than he did me. I’d struggle to keep his attention as he’d be looking around himself, at every woman who walked by, sometimes staring at them, and not listening to me. He denied he was looking at woman, said he looked at everyone men included, and that I just wasn’t taking that in. He also said that they were in front of him but he’d turn his head to look. He’d look after I said something, or made a noise, or before he responded to me. When I merely looked back and smiled at him, he asked why I did that, and looked at a female employee nearby.

I felt like he was overly critical of me and like he was the main one judging me. I always doubted he had any anxiety about himself considering he seemed more focused on me. When I did the same things to him, just once, he assumed the same things. I looked at a woman after he spoke, before I responded, and he asked if I was embarrassed. I went silent around a man and he asked if I was trying to look single. I eventually regained weight, and he showed less interest, blaming meds. He said it had nothing to do with my weight and never did. Then he began to put me down over my weight in arguments, telling me I let myself go, calling me fat and ugly, and saying that guys prefer thinner women. He swore he didn’t mean any of this, and only said it to hurt me.

For a year he insisted he was more attracted to me. Then I caught him ogling another woman, who was rail thin, and called him a creep. He denied and then went on a rant about how preferring thin women is normal biologically, and how being attracted to fat women is a fetish. He referenced his ex, who he told me he wasn’t attracted to but slept with anyways, to avoid hurting her feelings, claiming he struggled during it. I asked if he also meant me and he said no. I told him to leave me if he doesn’t find me attractive. He asked “What was I meant to do, leave when you first gained weight? I take my vows more seriously than that.” I said I stayed with him, and treated him no differently when he gained weight, something that happened shortly after we met.

He said “Yeah, well, I’m not you.” He admitted he was a bit more attracted to me when I weighed less. At the time I was wearing outfits I wanted to wear, as opposed to covering myself up, in an attempt to feel better about myself. He told me the outfits looked good and fit before I bought them. And then told me they didn’t, and looked bad, afterwards. One of times he told me in public. When he began to act on edge in public a few years back doing things like standing apart from me, speaking to me less, looking around himself, and walking off when I was talking. I figured he was embarrassed of my weight. He started to avoid going into stores with me, for around a month, and blamed it on anxiety and certain triggers.

He blamed two elderly male employees in a local store, and said they made him anxious. He said that going in too often, and too late, also made him anxious. We went in less and that didn’t help. I tried to go in earlier and he refused, saying it was too busy, but then he had no issue with going in alone. He started to volunteer at a crisis hotline and started a class, and was very social and outgoing in both. He told me people invited me into where he volunteered and then discouraged me when I tried to go in. He later said I would’ve sat there mute and it would’ve been awkward. He went from encouraging me to visit his grandparents to discouraging me, and complaining about it being awkward, after previously reassuring me that it was fine I didn’t talk much.

I started to wear my mask again. He didn’t want me at the mechanics with him. He acted like it was a good thing and that it proved he wasn’t embarrassed of me, but of my mask. He criticised how I was dressed another time and didn’t want me going into the grocery store with him. We went to America, to visit my family, and he refused to go into stores with me there both times. The last time in particular. I went in everyone alone as he sat in the car. He promised both times once back we’d go more places, and he’d show me he wasn’t embarrassed of me as I think, but that didn’t happen. Once we came back last year he mainly offered to go to the beach, a park, or the cinema and hesitated to go anywhere else. Now, we’ve been back over a year, and the primary place we go to is the grocery store at night.

For a few months I didn’t go into the grocery stores because he makes me more anxious. He seemed more on edge with me sitting in the car, wanting to get in and out quickly, not wanting to park anywhere too public. Once asking me not to touch his face because someone could look over. All of his reasons for being anxious he used before are no longer applicable. The elderly male employees left ages ago. We don’t go to the store as often as we used to. But he is still just as anxious. Sometimes he tries to avoid the grocery store for no reason. He tries to convince me to get deliveries or get food for multiple days to avoid having to go. Most days we don’t go anywhere. He blames it on issues with finances but it was this way before.

Last summer, he refused to go anywhere, and blamed it on mental health. He seems on edge when we do go somewhere, including to the park, regardless if anyone is around. And he continues to make comments about things I do. If I make a mistake, or walk a certain way, he says something. The main thing being that whatever I am doing draws attention, which he says is what adds to his anxiety as he doesn’t want attention drawn. He says he doesn’t care about my mask but frequently tells me to take it off, that I don’t need it, and says it’s because he feels bad I think that I have to wear it. I started to cover my face, which I do now to hide the mask, and he tells me not to do that as it draws more attention than the mask does. It’s exhausting.

He is seeing a therapist. He has used her against me several times, as he’s done with his family and even strangers. He told her about my anxiety and about me wearing a mask. He has repeatedly told me how she questioned me wearing a mask, and how it helped me with my anxiety as it would draw more attention to me rather than less.

Online, where we met and spoke for years prior to meeting in person, he accused me of cheating and various other things. He made me stop talking to, and block, a longtime male friend he thought liked me. He asked me to stop going on IMVU before w*ore shaming me over how my avatar was dressed, and accusing me of flirting with guys on there. He had me send screenshots to show who I was speaking to, and seemed to get upset over me talking to anyone, even female friends. He blamed me for everything and convinced me that I made him feel, and think as he did about me, and so I tried to fix things by not doing what triggered him but it seemed like there was always something.

I stopped talking to him repeatedly because I was exhausted. He would beg me to talk to him but also accused me of being able to replace people, and having backups. At one point, after we’d been broken up for some time, he told me it was too painful to be just friends and stopped talking to me. It was during one of the times we weren’t talking that he met his ex. He told me later on that he didn’t intend to get into a relationship with her, that he was trying to be friendly inviting her to a movie, and that she practically threw herself at him making several advances. He said he didn’t want to reject her and hurt her feelings, and so he got into a relationship with her. He told me he wasn’t fully attracted to her but slept with her to avoid hurting her feelings.

He said he wasn’t over me, and so he broke up with her, and that she slandered him afterwards. He called her crazy. Fast forward and we met in person, and he rejected me, after arguing with me online over not wanting to be sexual. I was overweight, which he told me online he didn’t mind. I managed to lose weight both before and after we met, and he eventually showed interest in me, but it felt forced. Not only that but he seemed embarrassed by me in public, not wanting to hold hands or do other things he talked about wanting to do online. For a year he turned me down frequently and did and said things that made me feel rejected. In that timeframe I spoke to his ex, who told me he said he’d two time, and he said she was lying to make him look bad.

I had fleeting suspicions he was hiding something. He started medication he claimed killed his libido but after I lost more weight, and became quite thin, he showed more interest in me. I doubted his claims of low libido as I caught him looking at porn, which he denied, and then said was to test himself. I started to suspect, due to various suspicious actions and how he was treating me, that he was cheating. He’d go soft on me, turn me down, often. I discovered he posted somewhat explicit photos of me on here, posing as me, asking what other guys would do to me. He briefly spoke sexually to one of them and said it was because the guy was married, and he wanted to out him. He told me other times he felt asexual but I’d catch him ogling other women, which he denied.

He did things that made me think he was embarrassed of me, or just very focused on other women. He would look at every woman who passed us, doing so when I was speaking to him, or before he responded to me. He said that he was just looking around himself and that he looked at everyone. He’d go quiet on me around women, which he said was due to his anxiety. Yet, if I did any of these things he asked if I was embarrassed of him or if I was trying to appear single to another man. I eventually regained weight and he showed less interest, blaming meds, and telling me it had nothing to do with my weight and never did. However, he began to insult me over my weight during arguments. He said he didn’t mean any of it, only said it to hurt me, and that I made similar insults.

He continued to behave in ways that made me think he was cheating, whilst also questioning me and snooping on my phone, but calling me controlling and abusive if I did the same. During one of the times he was I noticed that he added a girl who was local on Facebook. This was unusual for him. I asked who she was and he said was someone who attended his recently ended youth group. He said he didn’t know her, was never going to talk to her, and that she was married. He said he only added her to expand his friends list, and make his profile appear more genuine, something he never worried about before or since. I asked him to unfriend her as I didn’t trust his intentions. He put up a fuss, called me toxic and controlling.

He told me prior to adding her there was an upcoming class reunion, but that he wasn’t going to it. He said he’d unfriend her after that because he might go, and she’d be there, and she’d ask why he unfriended her in front of people which would be very awkward. He didn’t go, but didn’t unfriend her, and so I brought it up again and he went off at me as before. He very reluctantly unfriended her. A month later, I was still questioning his intentions with her. I mentioned her and he went off at me again, calling me the same things, telling me no one would’ve agreed with me asking him to unfriend her. He told me then that he saw her in person more recently than he previously told me, and that he didn’t think it mattered to tell me that.

He shared intimate details of her life, which he claimed she shared with the class. I said I believed he was so upset because he planned to cheat with her, already had, or wanted her as a backup. He told me to believe what I want. A while after this we had a discussion about opposite sex friendships. That was after he went off at me calling me controlling for saying I don’t think someone should have a close friendship with the opposite sex whilst in a relationship, unless it predated the relationship and was established to be platonic. I emphasised married people especially shouldn’t be close friends. That’s when he told me she wasn’t married. I asked why he told me she was, and how he discovered she wasn’t, and he couldn’t answer that.

I posted about this and a guy told me to add him and that if my husband said anything, to tell him I was never going to talk to him, and see how he reacted. Instead, I asked if I could add the guy and he said no, and that he agreed with me that we shouldn’t add or make friends with the opposite sex. He told me later on that he looked at her profile, after he unfriended her, and noticed she was with another guy. That was how he knew she wasn’t married. He insisted he didn’t like her, wasn’t attracted to her, and called her annoying. Any time I mentioned her he called me crazy and got angry. In the past two years, I’ve become more convinced he’s cheated than ever before, due to things he’s done in that timeframe. He joined a class a few years ago.

It wasn’t long before I suspected something was up. He told me there were no women around his age, which wasn’t true. He kept coming out of class late. He told me one time that he was waiting back to ask the teacher something, and someone was ahead of him. I heard a woman’s heels on the pavement. He told me it was woman whose name starts with T. He was acting different and eventually, he didn’t want me going with him, which is something he invited me to do, and something I did with his class a few years before. We went to America during summer break, and he behaved suspiciously there. He stopped wearing his ring, told me it was too tight when I noticed, and continued to not wear it when we came back and he resumed class.

He said everyone knew he was married and became defensive any time I mentioned it. He kept coming out of class late as before, when everyone else appeared to be gone. He seemed uncomfortable with me using his phone. He didn’t want me leaving a mark on his back when he asked me scratch it. He cared about his appearance more, just he did when he first started the class, and began to work out. He told me someone made a comment about the jacket he always wore, due to his weight, and he stopped wanting to wear it. I found out later on that it was T, after he complained about her, and said she was crossing boundaries. He told me he didn’t talk to women in the class much but there were things that suggested that wasn’t true, such as how they joked with him in the group chat.

I asked about this, and why he’d have to conceal he talked to them more than he said he did. He called me controlling, apologised, and then exploded at me shortly after accusing me of being insecure and being upset he was talking to women. He defended and denied having done anything with one of them, who he said he sits beside, and who I hadn’t named or accused him of doing anything with. He said he’d message her and make me look crazy. I reached for his phone and he twisted my finger. He apologised and said he felt accused. In December, he went up for a class and found out it wasn’t on. A female classmate messaged saying sorry, and had she known he was up she’d have invited him to eat somewhere to make the journey less of a waste.

He told her that he was up with me, but referred me by a nickname. He stopped wanting me to go up with him suddenly. He began to complain about wanting space and became hot and cold towards me like he was the year before. He accused me of wanting to go to spy on him. A few months back, a female classmate asked if he wanted to go up to class with her, on a day he was going up with me. I questioned this and, though he said he understood why I felt as I did, he largely downplayed. He said she works with his mother, is in her 40s, and is married with children. That she has no interest in him and has referred to him as cub. He said they’re encouraged to be friendly. That she is the only one who lives close to him otherwise someone else would ask.

He said he didn’t want to go. I said perhaps he gave her the impression he did and he denied it, and said he can’t help what people ask him. I asked if he’d be okay if I did a class, a male classmate offered to drive me up, and he paused before saying it depends. The next day he said people are drawn to him. That his mother encouraged him to go up with her. And that she asked him about it in class prior to this. He seemed disappointed. The next day I noticed his response to her which was to say he had to go somewhere, and that going up with her would’ve been a good way to practice their assignment. I questioned it and he said he felt suffocated under his breath. He then went off at me, going from 0 to 100.

I asked why he didn’t mention he was with me, he asked if he had to, and said it would’ve been weird to. That he mentions me when relevant. He said she knows he’s married, everyone does, but also said some people may have forgotten. Then he admitted that he told her, and a male classmate, he was visiting his grandparents when he arrived to class that day. That he didn’t want to mention he was with me, as they’d know I was there. He previously told me, the year before, that people asked questions and made comments about me being there and how it annoyed him. He said he was trying to avoid that due to the guy being there, and how he was very nosey, and would ask about it.

He got angry with me for being upset he lied, and thinking he was trying to hide me, and said it because she was there. He told me later on it had been a year since anyone asked about me. He kept mentioning her in arguments, unrelated to her, defending himself and getting angry with me for not trusting the situation. He said I was the one mentioning her but it was him. He kept defending going up with her as being innocent, and not crossing any boundaries. We went up to class one day, and she parked beside him, and went to the side of building which I thought was closed off. I was confused and asked about it once he was out, thinking there wasn’t a path, and wondering why anyone would go over there. He said there wasn’t a path, or so he thought. That he hadn’t been over there but knew other people had to take calls.

I mentioned this woman’s hair color, he said it was likely the woman I think he’s interested in. I went silent and he immediately went off, defending himself, telling me if I thought he was with her that he wasn’t. He criticised me asking about it, and why I was so concerned with what other people were doing. For months flirty and lovey emojis appeared in his recently used, and he said he was clicking them by accident. After that class I noticed a thermometer emoji in his recently used. In his last class, which was filled with women, I didn’t care about him interacting with them, something he didn’t do very much. The woman he interacted with most was an older woman. He didn’t drive at the time, but didn’t try to go to class with anyone, and turned down an offer for a lift home from the older woman.

He says that class was different, shorter, and they weren’t as encouraged to be friendly and social but I recall them going out to pubs, and him telling me he wasn’t interested.

My husband has engaged in many suspicious behaviours, often indicative of cheating, over the years. Long before I suspected him, he accused me of cheating. When I initially started to suspect he was cheating, I questioned him, and he called me paranoid and crazy. He turned it around on me telling me that I was the type to cheat, that I’d cheat thinking he had. He was snooping on my phone but slapped my hand away from his. After that he continued to repeatedly engage in patterns of behaviours that continued to make me think he was cheating. He called me abusive and controlling any time I questioned what he was doing, though he’d question me if I did the same. He’d also snoop on my phone, but would become guarded with his at times.

I tried to talk about it, to go over the reasons I thought it, to receive some sort of explanation. Instead, he got angry, and refused to talk about it, insisting that he wasn’t cheating and never had. He said his anger was a normal response to being accused and questioned when innocent. However, he responded that way since the very beginning. As time went on, and his suspicious actions increased, I became more convinced he had cheated, and was cheating still at the time. He agreed that some of what he did was suspicious, and could make it look as though he cheated, but then other times he’d mock the reasons I thought it. I used to have doubts, and not be so sure.

When I made posts about how he was treating me, his hot and cold behaviour, people said he was cheating. I said I didn’t think so. But over the past few years I have become convinced he’s cheater. Things that I overlooked at one point, I can no longer overlook. I see signs of cheating throughout our relationship. He said a year ago he wanted to do whatever it took to rebuild trust. He offered to turn his location on 24/7 after previously calling it controlling, and complaining about it last year during a period of time he seemed up to something. He later admitted that he didn’t think trust could be rebuilt, but that he thought I’d worry less, and stop questioning him. He didn’t stop engaging in the suspicious actions and actually did more.

He’d point to his location being on as proof of his innocence. Now he’s back to acting like a victim to me not trusting him. When it is his fault. It’s not all suspicions on my part either. There are things he has done, that have damaged my trust alongside all of this. Such as ogling other women in front of me, during times he claimed he had no libido due to meds, something which he denied. More recently, interaction’s with a female classmate didn’t add up, and made it seem as though he was trying to hide me, after he failed to tell her he was going out with me a day she offered to drive him to class. Once there he told her he was visiting his grandparents. Of course, he has reasons for these things which could sense, but just come across as deceit to me.

After we met in person, having spoken online for years before that, he berated me at a checkout, when we were waiting on a gift card to become available. I was anxious, became impatient waiting, and said I thought it would be available by the time we checked out but it wasn’t. We stood, our backs turned to the cashier, and he called me stupid and a bunch of other things, and blamed me for it. He insisted no one heard him. A while after that, I snapped at him a bit, because I repeatedly asked him to not put bags into the cart as I unloaded it and he kept doing it. I firmly told him that I told him not to do that. He said people looked at me, heard me, and got upset when I said they didn’t. He demanded I apologised.

Any anger, any emotion I expressed in public, and he’d look around at people and tell me they were looking or listening to me. But then, he’d cuss me out in front of people, often times under his breath, and did so in front of my mother a few times. When he thought I was going back on buying him a laptop, he followed me around a mall and cussed me out. When he didn’t want me buying a pair of sunglasses, not agreeing with the cost of them, he criticised them beforehand and in the store. I left the store, and he mentioned homelessness, knowing I worried about that and only bringing up when I was spending money he didn’t want me to spend. He proceeded to have me try to justify buying them.

He wanted me to explain how I was going to pay them back, and account for other amounts of money I spent. At the time, he owed me quite a bit of money, but he’d say that wasn’t the same thing because he was paying me back. I got really upset, and took my ring off. He proceeded to look at a woman, possibly teenagers, behind as a response to that. We continued to argue and he ended up raising his voice in the mall. He went outside, and we sat waiting on an uber. He denied he was arguing over the sunglasses, but then said he didn’t know they were as much as they were. This is when I began to put him down, and told him to off himself, supposedly. He responded by elbowing me in jaw, in front of a security guard.

He claims now that I snapped at him in the store, before I left, that I’d leave it. But it was after he mumbled under his breath, calling them stupid. He claimed that each time he went off at me over spending money, or wanting to, he was trying to help me as I asked him to. But it never felt that way. He’d cuss me out, even when I wasn’t trying to buy something, if he thought that I was going to. He’d mention homelessness to stop me from spending. But then he’d ask to borrow money from me, and I’d mention homelessness as he did, and he’d assure me if never be homeless. Since then he has yelled at me in public, called me a bitch aloud, and more.

He doesn’t seem to care how he comes across to other people. Yet, I react with any level of anger, or annoyance, he immediately looks around and shushes me. He tells me I’m on camera. Today, we went to a store, and he didn’t agree with what I was buying, and how much I was spending, and became angry. He challenged me and started to give me angry looks, and became aggressive. He ended up apologising after, and said he was extremely sorry, and shouldn’t have reacted that way. He did this after the other night, when we were going back and forth a bit at the grocery store, when no one was around, but he was convinced they saw and heard us.

He is constantly making himself the victim, to my reactions, based off his actions. Today, he admitted to eating something of mine, and offered to replace it. This is after he has repeatedly done that, and hasn’t replaced it when he said he would. We’ve argued repeatedly over it, he knows it bothers me, but he doesn’t care because he’s replacing it. He went into my drawer and took it last night, as he often takes my food only when I am asleep, and never cares to ask for it. I became angry when he told me that, and started to tell him off, and he responded like I was overreacting, but it wasn’t long ago that we argued over this very thing and he said he’d stop.

He told me his uncle was in the store, and he wanted to avoid him, which I understood, but it was close to closing and we didn’t have long left. I tried to turn around, and he told me not to, that it was his uncle and aunt behind us when I knew it wasn’t. He called me a stupid bent, but said it was in response to what I said over him eating my food. He then proceeded to acknowledge it wasn’t his aunt and uncle, that they were elsewhere in the store, and proceeded to act like I hurt him. On the way home, I mentioned what he did, and he started to go on about how he’s paying for the food out of what I owe him, and how he drove me somewhere today, and he’s done so much for me. That he never buys himself anything and it’s just a small packet of sweets.

I said, as I’ve said before, he has no shame going off at me in public and being angry. To which he said he lost control those times. I pointed out how he’s screamed at me, and elbowed me in the jaw, in front of a security guard before. He started going on about how I had told him to off himself, and that I said a lot to him first, and I was the one who escalated it. He wouldn’t hear me out about what happened, when at the time he apologised to me after. He acted like I was denying his reality. When I literally have what happened written down, and posted about it on the same day. He is constantly denying things happened the way they did, always telling me I did or said something first.

He proceeded to start yelling at me, again, just as he did earlier screaming at me to shut up. He left the car, presumably to go off to another room and ignore me as he has done many times before. He says cruel things to me, yet he would condemn me for reacting as he has. I know this because he’s responded to me saying things by kicking me, and more. But when I whacked him with my purse once, after he berated me and called me stupid, he went crazy over it and told me it wasn’t justified, that I was awful, and that it didn’t matter what he did to me before when I said he’d done the same things.

There are many reasons why I suspect he’s cheated, going back years. He initially accused me of cheating. Then his ex later told me he said he’d two time, which he said was a lie to make him look bad. She wasn’t the only one who said something negative and contradictory. I had fleeting suspicions early on. A year in and it was during a time he was being distant, mean, and argumentative, that he also started to engage in shady behaviours. He was glued to his phone, and spent a lot of time on it in the bathroom daily. As the months went by, he did more. He started staying up all night and sleeping all day. He avoided me. He argued with me more.

He disappeared and/ditched me in public more than once claiming to have lost me, something that happened earlier on a few times, but because a more frequent occurrence, and he was doing it in a foreign country. He had scratches on his back he claimed he caused but were in hard to reach areas, and that he didn’t have before or since. He had little interest in sex often turning me down, blaming meds for low libido, when there were signs he was lying about that such as him checking out other women in front of me and denying it. When I started to question if he was cheating, he called me paranoid and crazy, and said I was the type to cheat. That I’d do so thinking he had.

He snooped on my phone but slapped my hand away from his. For years he continued to do the same things and more. He shaved down there more than usual and claimed it was an accident, acknowledging it looked suspicious, but then called me abusive when remained suspicious over it. He showed more or less interest in sex, and would do new things like tongue kissing which he never did before, or since. He’d stay up all night again and seen uncomfortable with me using his phone wanting me to stand beside him as I used it once, and cursing me out when I walked off with it. He’d almost always treat me worse being more argumentative, and critical, whenever he seemed up to something.

He’d start arguments and leave the room, ignoring me for days. He’d spend little to no time with me but would still leave the room for space, supposedly. He’d snoop on my phone and question me if I did any of what he was doing, even once. When I questioned anything he did, he called me controlling and abusive. He acknowledged a lot of what he did made it look like he had cheated, but he also mocked the reasons I thought it at the same time. It wasn’t until a few years ago that my suspicions greatly increased, and a lot of the doubts I had went away. When he started to avoid going places and seemed on edge with me when he did.

He claimed he had anxiety, but was okay going to in places alone that he avoided with me. He acted weird around women, including female employees in stores, ignoring me in front of them and hiding his face when he walked past one of them. In the city, hours away, he appeared to hide from two women. At the same time, he started complaining about wanting to go places alone and wanting space. He complained he was always around me, that he wakes up and goes to bed with me, and said that us being in the same room was us spending time together. This is after he stopped, and somewhat became unable to, leave the room after arguments.

I wanted to leave at the start of last year and he begged me to stay, and said he’d do whatever it took to rebuild trust, offering to turn his location on 24/7 after previously calling it controlling. He continued to behave suspiciously, for months. He didn’t wear his ring claiming it was too tight. He acted on edge and avoided public more than ever. He seemed to not want me to go anywhere with him, changed his mind on going places including the post office when I tried to tag along, and accused me of going with him to spy on him. He wanted to delete an app used for retrieving deleted data due to battery drain, the same reason he previously used to turn his location off.

He was hot and cold towards me emotionally and psychically. He started to complain about wanting space and wanting to go places alone again months ago. He accused me again of going somewhere to spy. He seemed irritated by my presence, though we were spending less time than before together. He showed a spike in interest sexually that then dropped, and has continued to drop since, reaching the lowest point ever. He turned his location off citing battery drain, and offering to turn it on when going places but he doesn’t, and he claims he forgot. He told me his recent emojis were all accidentally clicked on, hearts and kissy ones, that haven’t appeared since. He seems fully detached emotionally.

He berated me the other day and so he’s back to being overly critical of me. He has no interest in spending time with me. He has always hardly listened to but now I might as well be talking to a wall. He’s always been rude and disrespectful, but he’s more so now, quick to put me down and get annoyed with me being upset. He’s less likely to hug me or be affectionate even when I am upset. He still calls me abusive for questioning things, and becomes overly defensive when I do. He seemed bothered by me searching things on his phone. I searched signs a man is gay once and he immediately reacted bad to that, wanting it deleted. I was scratching his back one time and he’s didn’t want me to leave any marks, even faint ones.

He is very concerned about his appearance now, more than ever before, wanting to lose weight and dressing differently. The other day he said he was going to leave to get new tyres. I questioned, since we are struggling financially where he was getting the money. He said he was going to ask a family member, and seemed certain they’d give it, which is not how he acted before. He told me he mentioned the tyres the day before but I didn’t recall that. I asked if I could go, and he discouraged me, and then said there wasn’t enough time for me to get ready, though I get ready in mins. He said he’d rather go alone. He googled the place and found out it was closing in an hour, and said that he didn’t have time. He asked me after why I wanted to go so badly.

I think he was trying to meet up with someone. A while back he downloaded animal crossing on his phone, which he’s never been into, and said it was to play with me but he deleted it same day. Now he’s working on his ps3 to jailbreak it, for us to play, supposedly. We used to play games together but we rarely do now. He’s had the ps3 for months and never tried to play anything with me. I noticed he was looking at other ps3 consoles and when I asked if he was, he said no, until I said I saw his search on marketplace and he said he was, but it wasn’t to buy it. It makes me think maybe he was looking to buy one for someone else.

He’s been swearing under his breath at me a lot, and saying things he denies saying. Similar to what he did when his suspicious behaviours first started, and increased.He insists I am wrong, and am abusive because of that. A while back he said he’s never even microcheated, which was weird, as I didn’t think he knew that term or the types. At the store yesterday he kept looking down every aisle we passed. He said he has always done that due to anxiety but I know that’s not true.

He has badmouthed a lot of people, and it hasn’t added up. He told me that his ex was crazy, slandered him, and had self harm scars. Years later his ex told me he said he’d two time. He said she was lying to make him look bad. He had a friend, who he seemed to get on well with. He met her online and then went to concerts with her in person. He said she made a move on him, but that he rejected her, because he still had feelings for me. He stopped speaking to her abruptly, told me it was because she was self absorbed and only talked about herself. Years later she told me he was the one who made advances on her, that she turned him down. She also said he touched himself during video chats, during which he appeared to be intoxicated.

He told me she was the one who touched herself. And that he doesn’t drink, and how obviously that was a lie. She said he badmouthed me calling me crazy. And that he spoke to her when she was underage. He said both of those things were lies and that she was lying because she was upset he stopped speaking to her. He confronted her, denied all of it, and she said her memory wasn’t the best. She did say she didn’t know why he stopped talking to her. He blocked both her and his ex. He proceeded to use his ex against me in arguments, telling me he got along with her better. He told me he believed his former friend about claims she made about another guy talking to underage girls, which I found odd since she lied about him.

Why would he say anything she said was true if she made such a serious lie about him? Years in and he made several contradictory comments about his ex, including that he was attracted to her, having told me before he wasn’t and struggled to sleep with her, and only did it to avoid hurting her feelings. He said he exaggerated things so I’d get back with him. I felt deceived. He didn’t understand why. Later on, I caught him looking up his former friend’s YouTube channel. He said he saw a comment of hers somewhere and was curious. I questioned why he’d be curious, considering all she said, and he said that he doesn’t hold grudges and it was years ago.

I said perhaps what she told me was true. He said it wasn’t, that she is crazy, and pointed to a video she made about her mental health as proof of that. Fast forward and he’s in a class, which I think he’s behaving inappropriately in, and that he is possibly interested and/or involved with someone there. I have long suspected him of being a serial cheater. After he joined the class, he started to care more about his appearance. He told me about someone who made a comment about the jacket he wore due to insecurity over his body, and he stopped wanting to wear it, buying new clothes. He came out of class complaining about a woman crossing boundaries.

He was somewhat vague. Come to find this was the same woman who commented on his jacket. He said he wasn’t the only one who was annoyed, others were. I asked if he told the teacher, and he said no initially, but then said the teacher knew. He came out of class late one night, didn’t tell me why initially, and then told me he didn’t know if he should. He said he had another issue with this woman, that she went off at him over something, and that the teacher had to separate them. The teacher messaged about wanting to meet with them both, but he didn’t want to, complaining it would be too awkward and kind of letting what happened slide, even extending some understanding toward this woman.

Since then, this woman has heart reacted things he’s shared in groups. Why, if they have issues with one another, would she do that? I don’t get it. But I don’t think she went off at him, not like he said, perhaps not even over what he said it was over. I don’t see why he’d have to lie, unless she is the one he is interested in.

Today he came onto me and I wasn’t interested. He went soft and blamed something I did. I got annoyed and asked why he keeps coming onto me when I don’t think he finds me attractive. He has lied about my weight before. When I lost weight, he showed more interest while insisting it wasn’t because of that. When I gained it back, he lost interest and blamed medication. He later told me I’d “let myself go,” called me fat and ugly, said men prefer thinner women, and then claimed he only said those things to hurt me, and didn’t mean them. He admitted he’s less attracted to me than before, only after a massive argument, but insisted he’s still attracted to me.

He makes contradictory comments, and shows little interest. I don’t believe he’s attracted to me at all. He makes comments like “What was I meant to do, leave when you first gained weight?” In response to me saying to leave if he doesn’t find me attractive. If I say that he’s gained weight too, and I’ve treated him no differently, he says he’s not me. He insists I must’ve lost attraction to him, too. He said today I’ve gained a chunk of weight. I pointed out that for several years, I was 160, and he said he didn’t mind that. I got to 180 in the year before we met in person, and he said the same. We met and I was 140, and he turned me down. His interest seemed to increase the more weight I lost, but he denied there was a link.

I pointed out that I am not far off the weights he said he didn’t mind. He said I probably am quite a bit over 160, that even 15-20lbs over is a lot, but I know I am not over 180. I asked why he said he didn’t mind 160, and he said he didn’t know what I looked like, but he knew I was overweight. He continued to make contradictory comments. Like how I maybe gained more weight over the last few months, when he’s been attributing his lack of libido to meds. He said “What am I meant to do, tell someone who has an eating disorder I don’t find them attractive, and make them spiral?” When he is not afraid to put me down, and make me feel bad as it is.

I tried to pose the scenario of what if I hadn’t lost weight before we met, what if I met him at 160/180, what would’ve happened. He asked me why I lost weight before, rather than addressing what I said. He also said it would be hypocritical of him to say he isn’t attracted and tell me to lose weight. Again, he kept saying he is attracted to me still, but none of what he was saying supported that. The argument moved onto my stuff in our room, after he complained about how he’s tired of seeing it, having complained about it before. We live at his parents’ house and I know I have a lot of things, and they’re in the way, but he’s complained about my belongings for years.

First he wanted them hidden, then he encouraged me to display them, but complained after that I had taken over the room. He criticised a shelf we organised months ago, despite having moved things around on it himself, and said I never take initiative to organise or do anything, that I only did so because he prompted me to. I said that I didn’t think I could do much more, that it’s hard with how little space we have to make things look good, which he viewed as an excuse. It turned into complaints that I do nothing and he does everything. We live at his parents, and I avoid them due to severe anxiety, but also because he’s used them against me, which has made me want to avoid them more.

I don’t feel comfortable enough to go down to wash dishes, or do laundry. Though he acknowledges that as the reason, he says that even when we were elsewhere, such as Airbnbs, I didn’t do anything, which means I never will, and though I have said that I will, he doesn’t believe me and argues with me over it. I admitted I could do more, but he ignored the reasons I gave for why I’ve had a hard time. I’ve struggled with an eating disorder, sleeping all day, depression, and other issues. There were periods where he was constantly putting me down, dismissing anything I did, blaming me for everything, and one of those periods included me being pregnant and having a medical abortion with little support from him.

He said that those things are excuses, and are invalidating to how he feels. It felt like he wanted me to agree that I’m lazy, useless, and will never change. He then criticised my hygiene and said it affects his attraction. I acknowledged that and said I’d understand if he didn’t want to sleep with me because of it, to which he said he loves me, and tries to look past it. I mentioned I added a toothpaste to the Amazon cart earlier, and he said I was invalidating him by bringing it up. He criticised the toothpaste, one for an issue I have, and the cost of it. He said I could use the one we have. He kept insulting me, told me to shut up when I spoke, said he hates me, doesn’t love me, and doesn’t view or care about me as a wife.

He blamed me for it but he’s been hot and cold for years, one day he wants me here, the next he’s telling me to leave. He constantly talks about divorce during arguments and any emotional discussions. He says it’s a BPD push-pull, but that he also loves me, and feels bad for me. Any time I have tried to leave, he has begged me not to. I went to post, as I have no one, and he complained about that. He hates me posting, claims that I leave details out, and says I’m damaging his reputation even though I post anonymously. He’s deleted posts before, nitpicked them, gone to his mother about them, and complains even when I use ChatGPT, telling me it’s wrong.

What he really seems bothered by is any criticism towards him, especially from other people, but also from me only not as much. He responds by complaining I don’t focus on the things he’s done for me, and that I am ungrateful. Or he says that he’s a good person, others think so, including his family. That they think he’s done a lot for me. Which is true but he’s also held all of what he’s done over my head, and told me I’d be dead without him. He reminds me of what he has done, even things from years ago, times I criticise him. He says I only focus on the negatives, and ignore the positives, which isn’t true.

That or he says I am no better, and he puts up with a lot from me, though he really doesn’t, as he puts me down over all of it, including things he says he accepts but doesn’t seem to. He kept insisting he did nothing wrong, that everything was my fault, and that anything he’s done to me, I’ve done to him. That I am the one who started it, the one who criticised him first. The entire time, I was trying to resolve things, to give and get understanding, with him attacking me and not listening to half of what I was saying. He tried to backpedal by saying he didn’t want to display my stuff because he didn’t know if I’d get a visa or not.

As if he was trying to make me not feel at home until he knew, which is completely untrue, as is most of what he says. I wanted to leave to get food because we hadn’t eaten all day, but he said it would be awkward because his family heard the argument and were annoyed. When I challenged that, he called me names and said I was entitled for wanting to leave to get food, not caring if I disturbed them when they were irritated and asleep for work. When he doesn’t care about that most nights. The argument escalated again after we left. He threatened to call his mother to come get me and said he “needed someone on his side.”

I said that I thought he was trying to justify cheating a few times, because times he’s been this critical of me other times he’s acting shady. I suspect he’s cheated, for many reasons, most of which he’s acknowledged are suspicious. At the same time, he’s mocked my reasons for thinking it. Before I suspected him of cheating, he accused me. When I would question him, he’d call me controlling and abusive, but would question me if I did the same things. Last year he said he wanted to do what it took to rebuild trust, after telling me I had no reason to not trust him, he said that I did have a reason not to. He offered to turn his location on 24/7 after calling it controlling, and complaining about it before.

Since then he’s continued to complain, get angry with me, and call me abusive and controlling for questioning him as he’s continued to behave suspiciously. He turned his location off months ago, after seeming irritated by it being on, trying to imply I made him turn it on. He told me he mentioned it being on to his therapist today, someone he’s used against me and lied about saying things, and said that she disagreed with it. I doubt he told her he offered to turn it on. He thinks I was abusive for saying what I did, that it invalidates his experience. He did this a day before his class, where I think he might be interested in someone.

My husband and I met and spoke online for years before meeting in person. He argued and made me feel pressured me into being sexual, during a time I didn’t want to be, because of how I felt about myself and negative experiences I had. I believed he’d reject me in person if we met, due to my weight, which was 160 at 5’2. He said he didn’t mind it. In the year before we met, I went through a depression, and gained more weight reaching 180 and developed other issues with my appearance. I told him, and he said he didn’t mind any of it, and accepted me no matter what. I managed to lose weight before he asked to meet me. I got to around 140lbs by the time we did.

He rejected me, came up with reasons he couldn’t be sexual, and shamed me for trying. He seemed embarrassed by me in public, not wanting to do things he talked about wanting to do online, avoiding PDA and telling me he didn’t like it because of how he felt about himself. I begged him to be honest with me about the situation, said I knew it was me, and he assured me it wasn’t. I lost more weight after we met, got to around 130, and he started initiating sex but it felt forced. For a year he turned me down frequently, made me feel unwanted, shamed and criticised me all whilst assuring me he was attracted to me. He eventually broke down and told me he had OCD about not finding me attractive, and felt bad about it.

He said it wasn’t based in reality but listed several things, such as how my face looked in the mornings, that made it seem like it was. He started medication he said killed his libido. I lost more weight, and dressed differently, and he showed more interest in me. He said if I looked the way I did then, when we met, he would’ve been all over me. He started doing PDA. But I still doubted he found me attractive. I caught him looking at porn, which he denied, and then said was to test himself. He turned me down still, including in lingerie, and went soft on me. He posted photos of me on here, as me, asking what other guys would do to me, briefly engaging in sexual conversation with one of them.

He said he did so because he guy was married and he wanted to out him. He said he had no libido at times, and struggled with me. I sat on his lap one of these times and he got erect and lied and said he didn’t. Other times I’d catch him looking, and ogling, other women. He denied it, had other reasons, and once agreed it would be disrespectful to do around me but defended it as being normal to still notice other attractive people. He came onto me a lot in dressing rooms, and risky situations, as if that was what was needed. He didn’t touch me during sex. He avoided closeness outside of it, moving his crotch away from me. He said he felt asexual, and assured me it wasn’t me, but the second I’d get dressed and put makeup on he’d come onto me.

He said it took extra due to the meds. I eventually regained weight, and he showed less interest in me almost immediately, blaming his meds. He said it had nothing to do with my weight and never did. I got to around 140lbs, and he told me I let myself go during an argument, and continued to insult me the more I gained. He called me fat and ugly and said guys prefer thinner women. He said he didn’t mean any of it, said it to hurt me, and that I made similar insults about his weight gain. He gained weight shortly after we met, had been overweight for a while, and was still gaining. His behaviour towards me suggested he did mean what he said. He seemed to need extra to get off.

He wanted me to take my shirt off, to fixate on my hips/waist area, and seemed to struggle without that. He changed medications to one that was meant to impact libido less but still went soft on me. He changed meds again to one that was supposed to impact libido less. He came onto me primarily when I was exposed in some way. He insisted he was more attracted to me with the weight gain but eventually, in a massive argument, he admitted he was more attracted to me when I weighed less. I said so he meant the insults then, and he said no. He changed meds again a year ago, to one that was meant to have minimal impact on libido, but it did. He hardly showed any interest in me, apart from when I was exposed as before.

Though he started touching me, and didn’t seem interested initially, things have remained the same. He changed meds again months ago, to ones that are meant to not only have no impact, but are also known to increase libido. He told me he had no libido some days but later came onto me. He said his lack of libido was not the meds but his body withdrawing, and adjusting, and has given various contradictory answers. He’s shown more interest at times, and said he thought his libido was returning, just to then show less interest. It seems he needs me to be exposed still, and I come onto him more than he does me. He goes soft and blames nerves, and me questioning him. This morning he tried to come onto me, and went soft, and tried to blame me for it.

He says he is less attracted, but is still attracted to me. But also says I’ve gained a lot. Though I am not too far off the weight I told him I was online, which he said he didn’t mind. He seems to be comparing me to 120lbs when he said he didn’t mind me at 160 and 180, and then seemed to have an issue with me at 140. He said he didn’t know what those weights looked like. It’s not like I was skinny online, met him, and gained weight.

I’ve suspect he’s cheated due to various suspicious behaviours, of which he’s repeated, for several years now. One of which is his sleeping patterns. Since the beginning he has repeatedly stayed up all night for periods of time. I only started to suspect it was linked to cheating after he’d done several other things beforehand, and in combination with it. When I initially started to think he was staying up for that reason was during a time he was distant, spending no time with me, and was argumentative. He was staying up all night on his laptop claiming that he was watching, and editing, YouTube videos. At the same time, he slapped my hand away from his phone when I reached for it, when he was frequently snooping on mine.

He asked me why I needed it, and I said why, to which he said I was lying and that I was trying to snoop, which he called abusive. He later claimed that he reacted this way because I kept my phone from him and called snooping abusive. When I started to question if he was cheating, he called me crazy and paranoid, and turned it around on me. He said I was the type to cheat and I’d do so thinking he had. As time went on, he continued to stay up all night periodically, and it always went hand in hand with other suspicious behaviours. He’d stay up all night, on his phone, and get annoyed with me for suggesting he went to bed or being bothered that he wasn’t. He became more guarded with his phone more than once.

One morning i woke up, and reached for his phone, and he walked back in right as i did. He asked me what I was doing, said it needed to keep charging, and took it away from me. He turned it to the side, appeared to delete something, and handed it back to me saying it had enough charge. He told me that he deleted an article on divorce, initially, but later said he hadn’t deleted anything. Shortly after that, I asked to use his phone for a second, and he asked me to stand beside him as I did and kept looking at the screen. He told me not to walk off with it, but I did, and he immediately flipped out and demanded I brought it back, cussing and yelling at me, and not stopping until I gave it back.

He said he reacted that way because he needed it for music and didn’t think I’d give it back to him. He later said he thought I was going to snoop, and I asked why that would be an issue, to which he said it wouldn’t be but I would’ve kept it a long time if I had. A few years ago he stayed up on his laptop for weeks in a row, claiming he was having difficulty falling asleep. Each time I woke up, for any reason, he immediately closed the laptop and went to bed within minutes. I questioned how he was able to do that if he had trouble sleeping. He said he was already tired and figured I’d be upset he was still awake. One night, he laid down to go to bed with me, and I woke up to him awake hours later telling me he couldn’t sleep.

He seemed to only stay up if I went to bed otherwise he’d go to bed before me. The one night that I stayed up past him he woke up and questioned me, what I was doing, and doubted what I said about watching YouTube videos telling me 8 hours was too long to be just doing that. He took my phone and looked through it. This year he started going to bed with me but then waking up for a few hours after. He said he couldn’t get back to sleep. He tried to cover up the fact that he did this. He seemed sleep deprived and tired throughout the day. I questioned it, if it was calculated, and he said how would he know I am asleep to be able to wake up, that he doesn’t have an internal alarm clock.

After a while, he started staying up after me again. He acknowledged it looked suspicious and said he’d try to stop, but he didn’t. A while ago he said he was up an hour but I discovered he was up several hours. He called me controlling for questioning why he said an hour, and acted like I needed to know the exact moment he went to bed. He keeps saying he was only up an hour or less when he sleeps into the day, and struggles to wake up. He has repeatedly said it looks like he’s cheated, and I have a valid reason to not trust him, but has also criticised the reasons I think it or that I think it at all. He calls me abusive for questioning things.

He called me abusive over me being suspicious in regard to this, and thinking he’s doing something, and possibly talking to someone, after I go to bed. I pointed out that when I did it just once, he questioned me, and he acts like he had more a reason to. It bothers me regardless of whether it’s linked to cheating or not because it’s like he doesn’t care. It seems like he is doing it to avoid me, especially during the times he’d sleep all day and not spend time with me when he was up at the same time as me. Now he wakes up around 3pm but would sleep longer if I didn’t wake him up. Yet, on the days he has something to do, he wakes up earlier.

Everything he does or says to me he says I’ve also done or said to him, even when I haven’t, or I’ve done it less or only in response to him doing it to me. It doesn’t matter what it is. He was the one who first started insulting me, putting me down, threatening me, etc. When, after experiencing that many times I finally did the same things back, including after he had done them, he’d zone it on that and tell me I was no better. That I couldn’t be upset he did or said the things he did to me because I also said and did them to him, and that made me a hypocrite. And yet, many of the times I did and said the same things, he would get very upset and angry, and demand that I apologise to him whereas he wouldn’t apologise to me.

He used vulnerabilities, traumas of mine against me during arguments. When I did the same to him, he called me a bad person, and demanded I apologised. He called me autistic as an insult during several arguments and was floored when I did the same, called me evil over it. He was violent towards me over things I said, which he labeled bullying, and used to justify what he did. When he was berating me one time, and calling me stupid, I whacked him with my purse. He freaked out and said it didn’t matter that he had done the same to me, that it wasn’t right. If I pointed out how much of a hypocrite he was, how he did or said the same things to me that he got so upset over, he acted like I was trying to justify it.

He said we needed to stop insulting each other, that we both didn’t deserve it, only after I insulted him. He was glued to him early on in the relationship, sitting at coffee shops on it, and blanking me when I tried to talk to him. I got upset over this, and he acted like I was overreacting. He said other people were on their phones and it was normal. It took dozens of arguments for him to put his phone away, and when he did, I no longer cared and he seemed irked by that. I was on my phone when we were out for coffee one time, and he wasn’t on his. He asked me to put it away as it was awkward since he wasn’t on his phone. I put it away. He admitted after he was a hypocrite.

He later tried to use this against me, to say that I had done the same thing to him, and so how could I be upset he did it to me. He pushed me repeatedly to get me to move, opposed to asking me, and I got upset each time. He said I was overreacting and acted like it was a normal thing to do. Though he kicked me one of the times, and said it was an accident. He also elbowed me in the face another time and said it was an accident. He minimised it, and told me to let it go. I ended up pushing him on two occasions, both very different from the situations he pushed me in. The first one was when I was trying to exit the house, didn’t want to be seen by his family, and had asked him to move out of the way of the door and he wouldn’t.

I shoved past him, something he’s done to me loads o times, and he got annoyed and said not to do that. The second time was when I was making dinner, the pasta was about to boil over, and I went to get a utensil to stop it. He was standing on his phone in front of the drawer with the utensil’s. I asked him to move twice, and he ignored me. The third time I shoved him to be able to get into the drawer. I explained what was happening, and that I asked him to move more than once. He told me not to push him and was really bothered by it. He later likened these two instances to what he did to me, and said that I was a hypocrite for being upset over them since I pushed him, too.

He lied about speaking to his family, fabricated things they said, multiple times. And when I eventually did same thing back, initially leading him to believe I had spoken to someone, he was angry over that. When I said I was lying, he called me manipulative. He will use instances, which are not the same, or which only happened once years ago to justify something he’s done recently, and repeatedly. And he acts like it doesn’t matter. That I am the same as him for having done something once or twice, disregarded the situations being entirely different in most cases.

A few years ago, he started acting on edge in public, including at grocery stores. He stood apart from me, spoke to me less, and walked off when I was talking to him. He appeared to look over his shoulder any time he was next to me, and when I asked him to stand closer, he criticised it and asked if he was meant to be glued to my hip. He went into the local Tesco in town alone, and came out in a panic, telling me he almost ran into an old female classmate. The next day, he refused to go into Tesco or anywhere else with me, and said it was because he was bloated. He promised to resume going in again once he no longer was. Days later he told me he wasn’t bloated anymore, and felt better, but refused to go in anywhere still.

He told me that two elderly male employees in Tesco were always staring at him and making him uncomfortable, something he never mentioned to me before. For nearly a month he wouldn’t go in anywhere with me. When challenged, he became defensive and angry, and told me he didn’t have to go in if he didn’t want to, and didn’t need a reason. When he resumed going in, it was after I practically begged him to, and it was into Asda which is right next to Tesco. He acted on edge in there, and told me the male employees were staring at him. He complained about the frequency we went in, and the time that we did, and said both contributed to his anxiety. He said if we went in less, and earlier, he’d feel better.

We went in less, and nothing changed. I tried to go in with him during the day, and he refused, telling me it was too busy. However, he was fine going in alone, and showed little to no hesitation to do so. He said it was because he could be quick which made him less anxious. He drove out of the way to avoid the places in town, going to another town 30mins away to go to the same places, but eventually he started acting on edge there. He wanted an itinerary of where I wanted to go, advanced notice, and said it helped. We went to the city a few hours away, and he appeared to hide from two women there, not wanting to come out an aisle with me until they walked off. I, initially, thought he was embarrassed of me due to weight gain and other things.

I still think that. However, he started doing things that made me think he was trying to hide being seen with by other women. When it sounded like female employees were heading our way in asda, he sped walked away from me. He panicked in aisles when no one was around. In Tesco, he rushed me, not wanting me to stand and take any time to decide on dinner. He ignored me, blanked me, and walked off from me in front of female employees in there. He appeared to hide his face when he walked past one of them. He said he didn’t care if I went often, that he didn’t want to, but it seemed he was trying to limit my exposure, as much as he was his. He didn’t want me going into either store during the day.

He tried to suggest and pressure me into getting takeaway, when we were sitting outside of the stores, and I was about to go inside. When we couldn’t afford it, and he told me he didn’t like some of the places before. He said he expected me to still go in, but I don’t know, because I never agreed to getting anything. He complained about the anxiety he had going in, but refused to do click and collects, particularly complaining about the setup for them at Tesco, and how the area is exposed. He said he worried he could run into his family. I noticed a female employee in Asda who looked a lot like his ex. And on the days that she was there, he acted more on edge, and actually didn’t want to be in the store, coming up with excuses to leave.

He told me one of the times his contact was hurting him, and he needed to go to the bathroom, or the car. I asked if he’d come back in, and he said it would take him a long time to fix. I asked if I could go out with him, and he didn’t want me to. I walked out after a few mins and he was sitting on his phone. He said he fixed it quicker than he thought he would, and was reluctant to go back inside. He denied it was his ex, but also told me he questioned if it was, and so what if it was her. This is an ex who he called crazy, and what he told me happened with her never added up. She also told me he said he’d two time, and he said she was lying to make him look bad. We went to America a few times in between all of this, and he promised each time that things would change.

He said that he’d have no issue going into stores once back since we’d been away so long, but that wasn’t the case. The last time he promised we’d go more places, and we haven’t. After we came back, I avoided going into stores due to my anxiety, and how he’s made me feel. He seemed more on edge when I was sitting in the car, wanting to go in right away, and leave immediately. He didn’t want me touching his face and said he didn’t like people looking. He looked at every car that passed and seemed paranoid. For a while, after I resumed going into stores with him, he seemed okay with it. Then, after a night he stayed up after I went to bed, he told me he was too anxious to go into the stores the next day. He wanted me limit where we went, one or the other.

For some time after that pushed to get takeaway again every night. Though we mostly went into Asda for a while, and in the middle of the night since it’s 24hrs, he still was reluctant to go into Tesco and didn’t want to. He mumbled something when we walked past two women, who weren’t employees, in there. Another time, when we walked into an aisle where a young female employee was, he muttered under his breath “Just don’t look” and denied saying that. He went silent on me around this same employee another time. He denied he had, and insisted he didn’t know her. We went into a newly opened small shop one day and he panicked, and claimed a guy working there was an old classmate of his, and demanded we left.

He refused to go into a store with me a month ago, and then proceeded to in after I said I’d stay in the car. I went in, and caught him off guard, and he seemed very uncomfortable when I did. He said he needed to use the restroom, but when I said I’d go with him, he decided not to. Last week, on Sunday, I thought he was going to a small shop as he always avoids the bigger stores on Sunday. I used to go in alone because he wouldn’t want to go in. Well, I wasn’t going with him, and he told me that he was maybe going to try to make one of the bigger stores before they closed. He said there wasn’t any time, after I asked to go, and then claimed that he was going to ask me to come with him.

A few years back, he added a girl, and I asked who she was. He said it was a female acquaintance from his recently ended youth group. He told he added her, and a few other people, to expand his friend’s list and make his profile seem more legit. He said he didn’t know her, was never going to talk to her, and that she was married. I asked him to unfriend her, as he’d asked me to do similar things before, and he went off at me. He called me controlling and toxic. He said prior to adding her there was an upcoming reunion, which he said he wasn’t going to, but said he might go to. He said if he did, she’d ask why he unfriended her, and would likely do so in front of people. And that it would be awkward. He said he’d unfriend her after. He didn’t go, but didn’t unfriend her, and went off at me again when I asked.

He reluctantly unfriended her. A month later, he was still bothered by it, going off at me again. He contradicted everything he told me before. He said he saw her more recently than he previously told me, and said he didn’t think that needed to be shared. He told me she was in an abusive relationship and lived in a trailer, and claimed she shared this with the class. I said that I thought he was so upset because he planned to cheat with her, already had, or wanted her as a backup. He told me to believe what I want. He later told me she wasn’t married, and couldn’t answer why he told me she was before, or how he discovered she wasn’t. That was until he told me he went on her profile, after he unfriended her, and noticed she was with a different guy.

He insisted he had no interest in her, that he didn’t find her attractive, and that she was loud and annoying. Any time I questioned his intentions with her, he got angry, and cussed me out. He has since told me that she walked past him at one of the stores, and didn’t take him in. And then, a few weeks back, we were in Asda and she walked past us. He told me it was her, and tried to use the fact she walked past us, and didn’t say anything, as proof nothing happened between them. I asked why she would say anything with me there.

He largely blames how he feels about himself for why he avoids places, and acts the way he does. He says his avoidance started after he gained more weight, when he’d already gained a fair amount of weight, and didn’t act like that before. He’s always claimed to have anxiety, but then he’s fine going in places alone, and seems like an entirely different person when not with me.

What is the purpose of this? To say something, deny he said it or say he said something else, and then to accuse me of gaslighting him, and going crazy over me not agreeing he said what he claims he did. He did it last night and today. He told me when I was upset last night that his mother was listening, and denied saying that, accusing me of gaslighting him and saying we aren’t meant for each other. He then said maybe he said it, but he didn’t remember. He criticised me calling his mother weird, which is directly tied to the perception of her he’s created by using her against me, involving her in arguments, telling me she’s listening at the door etc.

He, of course, only focused on my reaction and condemned me for saying that, but later said it was a valid response if he said that, and with everything else. We argued a bit today, over me feeling disrespected by something he did, that he’s done many times over the years and is an ongoing issue. One that he, for a long time, said I was overreacting for being upset over. Last year he promised to change it, but that didn’t last long, and now it’s happening again these past several months almost every day. He goes off at me for being upset but then apologises after. Which is what he did today. He was nice to me after, intimate with me, and we left to go to the store. Things were fine. Then he uttered “That’s annoying.”

I questioned why, he denied saying it. He got angry, accused me of gaslighting him, insisted he was singing a song as he turned around to the house and refused to go to the store. I said I’d start recording him, as I’ve said before, and I’d get him gaslighting me and take it to court. I accused him of doing it because he’s cheating which is a long story. He told me he hates me, to go home, the usual. I called my mother, he kept hoovering around. He came back to try to get me to acknowledge he didn’t say that, and to apologise to him. I said we can have our own perceptions. He said mine is wrong, I am delusional, only his reality is right. He said I was calling him a liar.

I called him a narcissist. He went crazy, kicking, yelling, right after he told me to be quiet because his mother was nearby. He said I caused him to react that way. He told me he can’t stand me and to leave. He said he’d call my mother. He’s done that before, after I’ve called her, and he’s told me she said I was the instigator which she denied saying. My family won’t help me leave. They were going to years ago and he sabotaged that, calling my aunt during arguments, making me look unstable as he has with his family. What is his goal? He’s hot and cold with me, one day wanting me here, the next telling me to leave. For years. I’ve tried to leave, and he begged me not to.

He acknowledges he does push/pull due to BPD now, having learned that in therapy, which he only started this year after denying he had BPD for years before that and accusing me of having it, which he still does by classing all of my emotions and reactions as being due to BPD. He is getting his life in order, and I feel like he wants me gone because of that. He is doing a counselling course, is in therapy, everyone is on his side. He says he’s doing it for us, for a life together. But I don’t know. Last year, he randomly worried about me trying to ruin his reputation by sending things to people, such as his teacher. He wanted me to delete innocent photos and videos of him, that he said could look bad, and that he didn’t care about me having before.

He said I was crossing his boundaries by not deleting them. I asked why he was with me, if he thought I would do that, and he said he loves me but I’m impulsive when upset. He mentioned me showing my mother, in the event we broke up, after I assured him I wasn’t going to do send anything to anyone. He said notes I kept, of his treatment of me, could make me look abused whilst insisting I’m not. He says we are both abusive, but mostly leans towards me being abusive. Lately, I really feel like he’s badmouthing me and trying to start things to make me look bad. He keeps saying he wants out of the relationship, that I am holding him back and interfering with his studies and things, and that I am a problem.

He told me people who go through DBT, which he is, often leave relationships and said he wouldn’t do it months ago. He said today they leave unhelpful relationships. Perhaps that is what he will use as his reason. He has said he’s grown as a person, and is setting boundaries now, such as driving back home and refusing to go get dinner, after an argument, or threatening to drive off from me at the store, which he did before, and then denied doing and insisted he did it when I was emotionally abusing him which wasn’t true. He then said he didn’t remember what happened, or driving off, but maybe he did.

He is diagnosed with BPD. The first time he did, he asked what was wrong with me, and then denied saying that. He proceeded to go on a rant about if he did say it was because of this and that, and I deserved it, and when I got upset he accused me of fake crying and trying to make him feel bad. As t e went on, he did it more so. He told me he said things he didn’t say, or that he didn’t say things he said, and got angry whenever I insisted he either said it or didn’t say it. One of the times, he said something to my face, and immediately after said he didn’t say it and questioned whether he was possessed or something. I felt like he was mocking me. He told me another time that maybe he said it in his head, and thought he said it out loud.

He then ended up exploding at me one time after I said something, forgot what I said, and he accused me of gaslighting him. Now he is back to saying things he denies saying, doing so with more frequency. Yesterday, he told me whenever I was upset, that his mother was listening. He uses her against me, to silence me, and has involved her in arguments. When I confronted him, he denied saying it, and accused me of gaslighting him. He later said maybe he said it but he didn’t remember saying it. Now today, we were driving to the store, and talking about what was needed for dinner, he muttered to himself “That’s annoying.” He denied it, got angry, and accused me of gaslighting him.

I got angry, and said asked why he was doing that, and was it because he didn’t want to go to the store and be seen with me by someone. It’s a long story, but I suspect he’s cheated for many reasons, and that he doesn’t want to be seen with me in public. And I’ve thought this for the past two years because he started to seem on edge in public with me, avoided places we used to go or didn’t want to go into them as much, and that included the grocery stores nearby. He ignored me, walked off from me, in front of female employees there. And he covered his face when walking past one of them. He blamed not wanting to go in on anxiety but was fine going in alone.

One of the female employees looked a lot like his ex, who told me years ago he said he’d two time with her, and he said she lied to make him look bad. He seemed to avoid her more than anyone else, and later said he questioned if it was her, and so what if it was, but also said he didn’t think it was. He avoided going in if he could, or wanted to go in late most days, and didn’t want to go in during the day unless he went in alone. There are more reasons than those, but they’re the main ones. I think he’s cheating outside of that, as well. He insisted he was singing a song by the Bellamy Brothers, some line about the devil, that doesn’t sound like what I heard at all. I said I’d get him gaslighting me on a recording and take him to court.

He kept trying to talk to me, hoovering near when I called my mother, to ask if I could get help with coming home and pretty much beg for it since my family refuses to help me. And that has a lot to do with him. He came back, trying to talk to me, to insist he was singing, to get me to apologise. He said not to go crazy or be loud as his mother was in the kitchen, and would hear. I said he can have his perception and I can have mine, and I can believe he said that’s annoying. He said I am delusional. My reality isn’t right, only his. He said I am calling him a liar. I called him a narcissist, and that irked him. He started raising his voice and kicking around, telling me he can’t stand me, asking if my family were going to help me come home.

I’m not sure what his goal is. Is it to be so hot and cold to me that I am in a constant state of confusion? We have been arguing a lot, for many reasons, but before this he was being “nice” to me and we were intimate earlier. Then he does this randomly, on the way to the store, and then he turns around and blames me for it. He acknowledged after years of denying he has BPD that he does last year, and started therapy shortly after that, but there have been no improvements. He keeps accusing me, any time I react and get upset with anything, of being spousal abuse, and of gaslighting after he denies saying things. He has insisted before we are both abusive, but more so leans towards me being abusive.

I feel like I can’t react to anything without him accusing me of being the bad guy. He only focuses on my reactions and not what he’s done or said. This past year it’s like he’s doing whatever he can to make me out to be the abuser, to make others think it, too. Last year he randomly wanted me to delete photos and videos of him, that were innocent, but he said could make him look bad. He worried I’d send them to people to ruin his reputation. I questioned why, was it linked to me him thinking I’d find out something he’d done, and he denied it. He got upset I wouldn’t delete anything, and said I was crossing his boundaries. I asked him why he was with me if he thought I’d do that, and why I’d do it.

He said he loves me but I’m impulsive when upset. He commented on notes I had, about some of how he’s treated me, and said they could make me look abused but denied I was. After I hung up with my mother, and he went off at me and left again, he said he would call her. Which is probably to say he needs me gone, and make me look like the problem. He’s told me before she has said to him I am the instigator, the same thing he’s said to his mother, and didn’t want me asking her about that. She denied it. He is doing this, and starting these issues, right as he’s getting his life in order for once and doing therapy, and doing a course for counselling. All whilst I suspect he’s cheating. I think he plans to discard me, and always has, and perhaps wanted to earlier.

He’s always been angry my family won’t help, saying how much he hates them for it, and he’s stuck with me all whilst insisting he doesn’t mean any of that. One day he tells me to leave and the next he tells me not to. It makes me think he’s trying to get me to leave on my own, or to start things to be able to convince everyone I am the issue so he can leave, and not look bad. That or he just hates me, and likes to cause problems, and to upset me. I know with gaslighting the goal is to make someone think they’re delusional, and so it would benefit him if he needed to deny something else, such as something linked to cheating, if I started to second guess myself all of the time and think I really am losing it.

I know now he will go and ignore me, as he’s done before, and that he’s likely talking bad about me to his mother or mine right now. Why is he doing this?

Ever since I first came to my husbands parents house with him, when I was only visiting, any argument or disagreement we had he’d tell me that someone, such as his mother, was listening at the door. He did this so much that I was convinced she was. He later told me he said it to get me to calm down, and shut up. At the same time, he started using his mother against me, threatening to go to her during arguments. He eventually lied about calling her, and his grandmother, and fabricated things they said. He admitted to that, assuring me he wouldn’t speak badly of me to anyone. However, he ended up calling his mother during arguments, when I wasn’t around, and I could tell by her texts to me she thought I was the aggressor.

He called her in a few arguments, which he started or escalated, when I was around. He said I was the instigator, I was endangering us, because he was driving several of the times. When he was the one who was yelling at me and driving recklessly. He left all of that out. He shared other things with no context to make me look worse. I could tell she sided with him, without her saying anything, but when she eventually did speak she called me controlling and a bunch of other things. He insisted she wasn’t taking sides, and said he went to her after each argument and said he was to blame. He would go off to another room during arguments, to ignore me, and a few times when I tried to go in to talk to him, she appeared.

I was trying to resolve things, whereas he was still arguing with me and trying to get me to leave, pushing me out once. She seemed more annoyed with me, thinking I was arguing with him. I felt like I couldn’t go to him after arguments because of her, because her room light would be on or would come on the moment I stepped out of the room, or her door would be cracked. He would get loud during arguments, saying things aloud that would make me look bad, some of which weren’t true. And he would tell me after that she wasn’t there, and so he just did it to make me uncomfortable. He told me more than once she said things, in agreement with him, that he later told me she didn’t say.

As time has went on, he’s agreed to leave her out of arguments, though a few times she’s interrupted herself in his defence to tell me to leave him alone. Even though he doesn’t go to her, he is still very loud during arguments, and when I say that he says not to piss him or to leave him alone then. I am only a not as loud as he is but he tells me to be quiet, that a woman’s voice is louder, and that people can hear me. He says it even when I am whispering. He has now said things loudly not just around his mother, but other family members such as his brother, as well. When he knows he is outside of the door. And he’s told me things like I am annoying them, that they’re listening, or that they’ll barge in if I don’t stop.

He constantly leaves the door open, or cracked, though I’ve repeatedly asked him not to do that. He opened it today, right before I got a bit upset over something, and in the middle of that shushed me and told me his mother was listening. I responded to that, and he denied saying it, and said she cannot hear me. It’s not the first time he’s denied saying something. He accused me of gaslighting him for insisting he said it, and he’s accused me of that before. I walked out, to go to the bathroom, and his mother’s room door was open.

My husband is 29 and I am 28. We met and spoke online for years before meeting in person, back in 2019. Online he was very sexual towards me, more than he’s really ever been in person, particularly in regard sexual talk. I wasn’t very interested, and actually was uncomfortable with it, but he argued with me over it and my reasons for this and eventually made me feel pressured to engage. I was overweight and had other issues, which he said he didn’t mind. I managed to lose weight before we met, and was at a higher end of a healthy weight when we did. We met, and it was obvious he wasn’t interested in me, coming up with reasons why he couldn’t be intimate, and shaming me for trying to be. He seemed embarrassed of me in public, as well.

He didn’t want to hold hands, or do other things he talked about online, and said he disliked PDA because of how he felt about himself. I continued to lose weight, and he eventually came onto me, but it felt forced. It was like he needed extra to get going. A fantasy, such as one he expressed online of me sleeping with other men, or s/ut shaming me. I questioned if it was me, if he wasn’t attracted to me, if he was embarrassed of me and he assured me neither were true. He acted hurt by me thinking it. For a year he turned me down frequently, and did and said things that made me feel unwanted, such as going days without being affectionate or interested in sex. When we had sex he’d ask me to wear I dress I had which he liked a lot, and one time he put on a porn video I watched.

I questioned if he was gay, and he was offended by this, checking out another woman in front of me to prove he wasn’t. He called me vain once when I was questioning if he was attracted, and told me other things like love mattered more. He broke down and told me he had OCD about not finding me attractive after a while, and said he felt bad about it. He tried to pinpoint triggers for it. He said my face was puffy in the mornings, but no one looked their best then. I didn’t want him looking at me the next day and he got angry. He started medication he claimed killed his libido. For months he showed little interest until I lost more weight, and he showed a bit more. He told me if I looked the way I did then, when we met, he would’ve been all over me. He did PDA and other things he wouldn’t do before.

Now he says he felt better about himself, though he gained weight, and didn’t feel great about himself then. I doubted his claims of low libido. I caught him looking at porn, which he denied, and then said was to test himself. I started to suspect, due to several suspicious behaviours, that he was cheating. This went on for months. He turned me down often, including in lingerie, and went soft on me blaming meds. Yet, he posted fairly explicit photos of me on here, posing as me, asking what other guys would do to me. He briefly engaged in sexual conversation with one of them, and when I discovered the screenshots of this on his phone, he said it was because he realised the guy was married and wanted to out him. He showed the most interest when I dressed in a way he also w/ore shamed me over.

He often told me guys were checking me out, though at the same time said I wouldn’t be respected dressing the way I was. When I stopped dressing that way, he showed less interest, and said it was normal to be more turned on by tighter/revealing clothing. He told me he had no libido at times, assuring me it wasn’t me. But the second I got dressed, and put makeup on, he’d come onto me on the very day he told me he wasn’t in the mood. He said he felt asexual at times, and turned me down, and I’d catch him ogling other women which he denied or had other reasons for. One time, however, after agreeing it would be disrespectful to look in front of me, he went on a rant after about it being normal to notice other attractive women, acting like I said he never could, even when he wasn’t with me.

He called me controlling and insecure. He didn’t do foreplay, which made me feel used, and didn’t seem to care whenever I said that. He avoided closeness outside of sex moving his crotch away from me, not wanting me on his lap. He once got erect and lied telling me he didn’t. A lot of the time we had sex, he wanted to do it in public/risky situations. I regained weight and he showed less interest, blaming meds, and telling me it had nothing to do with my weight and never did. I reached the weight I was when we met in person, and he told me I let myself go during an argument. He continued to insult me the more I gained, calling me fat and ugly, telling me guys prefer thinner women. He said he didn’t mean any of it and said it to hurt me. He switched to a medication that was meant to impact libido less.

Right after he came off the one medication, that is known for reducing libido a lot, he showed more interest in the first few weeks. Even though it’s meant to take time to leave your system. When he was on it he’d also skip a night or half his dose and said it improved his libido, but it never made any sense. He said he thought his libido was returning. However, after several weeks he said this new med was impacting his libido. He came onto me only when I dressed in revealing clothes, and went soft on me, and that went on for a year. He’d skip a night or two but it did nothing for his libido, as he claimed skipping the other would. He switched medications again, to one that impacts libido less, and told me it was impacting his libido after some time, and for a while showed hardly any interest.

That was apart from when I’d talk about divorce, or question if he was attracted to me, then he’d come onto me all of the sudden. But he avoided closeness outside of sex more than ever, wanting up immediately when I sat on his lap. When I got upset over this, he insisted I was upset we didn’t have sex which wasn’t true. He was acting shady during this time. I started feeling like I was the one initiating most of the time, often by exposing myself, and that he wasn’t coming onto me as much as before. At one point only he could come onto me, and he said it was easier since he knew when he could do it on the meds. He started touching me during sex after this, but didn’t seem into it, and didn’t do it right. He said he wanted to learn, asked what he could do, and I said oral. He said he would do it.

When I tried to get him to, he used several excuses, and then told me he didn’t like it. For a while we did it once a week, on the same day. He had a spike months ago which he attributed to lowering the dosage of his meds, but it happened in less than a week of doing that. He came onto me repeatedly over the course of a week. He also used a toy on me for the first time, never having done so before, and declining to when I asked prior to that. He stopped showing as much interest after that, and stopped using the toy, and said his libido was reduced again. He came off that medication and is now on ones that are supposed to have minimal impact on libido. One is known and used to increase it. At first, he said his low libido was due to his body adjusting, and coming off the other medication.

He told me he had no libido, and then came onto me the same day, two times. He said his libido might return in 4 days time, and that AI told him two weeks was what it took for one to adjust to new medication. He’s been on the medications for a month now, maybe a bit longer, and just upped the dose of one. But even if it does impact libido, it is around 25%, and not common. He doesn’t flirt with me, isn’t very affectionate, and just doesn’t seem into me. I catch him looking at other women often, which he denies. He is overly concerned with his appearance around them. I still suspect he is cheating, and there’s many things that point to that, and perhaps him getting it elsewhere. He started caring a lot more about his appearance this past year. He could also have a porn addiction.

He stays up after I go to bed, and wants a lot of alone time. He insists that he doesn’t watch it. He doesn’t seem to have any plans on fixing this, doesn’t seem too bothered by it when before he was, even a little. If I say anything, he often says we did it x amount of days ago, or we do it a normal amount, and that it’s not a dead bedroom, though it’s greatly decreased and people our age tend to do it more. He argued twice about stress, and age, possibly impacting his libido in the future as if he expects it to decrease more as time goes on. The lack of flirting, and affection, makes this worse. I feel like we are roommates. He is also diagnosed with BPD and I wonder if that has something to do with this, the push/pull, hot and cold behaviours.

He has always been very defensive and sensitive to any criticism, or anything that could be perceived as an accusation, even when it’s not. He largely blames me for it because I have questioned, and accused him, in regard to cheating and various other things. And so he tries to make it out that his extreme reactions are the result of that, when he has always responded that way. As time has gone on, he’s began to criticise, and try to control how I feel, how I react to him, and what I think. Anything negative from me he tries to shut down. If I get upset with him over something, or give him a bad look because he’s done something to piss me off, then he tells me not to get upset or not to give him the bad look and gets really annoyed that I am.

Lately, anything I say I think that is negative about him, even things I’ve thought for a long time, he immediately calls them accusations. Me thinking he’s embarrassed of me, for example, something I’ve thought for a long time is now called an accusation. When I am not outright saying he is, I am saying I think he is. Before he would’ve tried to maybe reassure me, and deny it, and he still does but at the same time he says it’s an accusation. Another thing is that he can’t stand me thinking things, such as that he is cheating, and often suggests what I think is being influenced by posts I make on here where people have agreed, and said it sounds like he is cheating, and have validated me.

If he says something isn’t true, and mocks it as he does, he expects me to agree with him and gets frustrated when I don’t. He also makes statements like if he apologises, I should accept it, and move on and that it’s what people do. He doesn’t attempt to see things from my side, to empathise with me, to care about how I feel. He gets angry whenever I am upset. But when it comes to how he feels, and reacts to things, anything goes and is justified. He can get angry, give me bad looks, call me names, accuse me and so on. I really feel like I’m not a person to him. Just an object he needs to mirror back what he sees in himself, angry whenever I go against his perception of being a good guy, which I often do.

I’m not sure if thinking anything negative about him, bothers him, regardless if it’s true. Or if what I think is true and he responds as he does now because he feels shame over it which he’s trying to avoid.

We met and spoke online for years before meeting in person. He argued with me and accused me of many things, including cheating. He was very sexual towards me, and argued with me over not wanting to be. I broke up with him, stopped talking to him long periods of time, and he’d apologise and beg me to speak to him and get back with him. However, he didn’t do that whenever he was with his ex, and former friend. He told he met his ex volunteering, invited her to a movie to be friendly, and that she pretty much threw herself at him. He said he didn’t want to reject her and hurt her feelings, and so he got into a relationship with her. He said that he wasn’t fully attracted to her, but slept with her, to avoid hurting her feelings, and struggled during it.

He said he broke up with her because he grew bored, and realised he wasn’t over me, and that she slandered him afterwards. He has since told me that he over exaggerated some of that, namely how little he was attracted to her, as he didn’t think I’d take him back if he didn’t. Before he met her, I tried to be his friend, but he ended up telling me it was too painful to be just friends, before he blocked me for a month or two at a time. He did this more than once, and once on the same day, messaging me again and blocking me hours later. He met his former friend online, and then in person, to attend concerts together. He sent me screenshots of a messages she sent saying he was cuter in person, and told me she made advances on him, but that he turned her down because he still had feelings for me.

He stopped talking to her abruptly and told me she was self absorbed. He continued to argue with me over sex, and made me feel pressured to engage. He acted like he accepted me, loved me no matter what, supported me and understood my issues at the same time. I was overweight and he said he didn’t mind. I was going through a difficult time, in multiple ways, and he sent me money which I didn’t ask for. I tried to send it back but he insisted I kept it, and said it made him happy helping me. He pushed me to meet me, and said he wanted to help with other things. I managed to lose weight before we met, and was at the high end of a healthy weight once we did. He rejected me. He also seemed embarrassed by me in public, not wanting to hold hands, claiming he disliked PDA.

He helped me, and did a lot of what he said he would, but he was also mean to me on and off and held a lot of what he did over my head. He called me ungrateful. This is when he claims I first told him about my late father’s life insurance, which he said he’d help me get, though I vaguely recall mentioning it online. I lost more weight, and he initiated intimacy, but it felt forced. He asked me to go back to the uk with him, and I said I shouldn’t, that I didn’t have enough to support myself to which he said he’d support me. What he did for me, and with me including spending time together, was treated like a chore. A lot of the time he was glued to his phone, including when we were in the bath together and I was trying to talk to him. He went all for me bday and Xmas and bragged about it.

He talked about the life insurance a lot, to friends and family, and said he was trying to get advice for me. He said he didn’t want any of it, and didn’t want me buying him gifts either. One said before I went to the uk, that he didn’t think I’d like it, and what we would do then. He tried to talk about where I wanted to live, the uk or the us, and got frustrated when I didn’t want to discuss that or didn’t have an answer. I questioned if he was trying to use me for a green card and that frustrated him. One day he talked about marriage, the next he was asking what my plans for the future were, where I was going to live, and suggested I spoke to extended family to see if they’d offer me a place to stay. He also mentioned living at my house, with my mother, and helping to pay bills.

At time, he said he worried something could happen to him, alluding to death. Now he claims he was worried I wouldn’t get a visa. He said I was ruining the relationship by questioning things, his intentions, and thinking he had an ulterior motive. Every issue I had, he didn’t seem too supportive of, and actually refused to talk about some of them and pushed me to get a therapist. I made the mistake of borrowing money from him, and he hassled me to pay it back. He continued to turn me down, and make me feel unwanted. He broke down and told me he had ocd about not finding me attractive, right before he started medication he claimed killed his libido. It was after I lost more weight, that he showed more interest, and said I looked the way I did then, when we met, he would’ve been all over me.

He did PDA and other things he wouldn’t do before. He was very mean to me, accusing me of ruining his life daily, calling me lazy and blaming everything on me. He talked about breaking up repeatedly but didn’t follow through with it. He told me, whenever I complained about how he was treating me, to leave if he was so bad but then he begged me not to when I tried. I caught him looking at porn, which he denied, and then said was to test himself. I started to suspect he was cheating due to several suspicious behaviours, which he engaged in for months, alongside telling he frequently and in every argument he didn’t love me, and complaining about things he let go of or postponed to be with me. He rarely flirted with me, didn’t touch me during sex, and told me felt asexual sometimes but then I’d catch him ogling other women.

He borrowed money from me after I received it. When I was reluctant to give it, he reminded me what he spent on me, or what I was spending of myself, and cussed me out once when he thought I was going back on buying him a laptop. He paid me back quickly, at first, but would borrow immediately after and stopped paying me back as quickly after a while, prioritising paying others back or buying things. I didn’t want to get married, and tried to talk about that, to which he said he wanted to get married. On the day we did, I hesitated, and he got angry. I wanted reassurance but instead he told me if I left, I’d end up in a worse situation than what I was in before, and I’d run out of money. The day after we got married, he exploded at me trying to discuss my feelings, and threatened to divorce me.

He continued to threaten divorce. Just like he threatened to break up, and kick me out, beforehand. Many of the conversations about how I felt led to arguments. He started and/or escalated said arguments, and left the room for long stretches of time, ignoring me. He did this repeatedly until it seemed I was alone most of the time. And then, when he’d come around, he’d be mean to me. He told me he didn’t love me, to find someone else, after I said I would. He told me to go home, after he begged me to come back with him. He said he didn’t force me to come back, it was my choice to. I regained weight, and he showed less interest, blaming meds. He said it had nothing to do with my weight and never did, but then told me I let myself go during an argument.

He continued to insult me the more I gained, whilst insisting he didn’t mean it, and only said it to hurt me. I tried to get help from family to leave a few years ago. They wouldn’t help, initially, and he complained about that though he said he didn’t want me to leave. It seemed they changed their minds, and were going to help, but then he called my aunt during arguments and she went back on it. He said he had nothing to do with it, but he has used people against me, and made me look bad to them before. He started to complain again after that often saying he was stuck with me. He aspires to be a counsellor, and did a class a few years ago for it. He started volunteering at a crisis hotline just over a year ago, and started another counselling class. He insists that he is doing all of this for us, for a future together.

He talks about moving out, as we currently reside at his parents, but I don’t take it seriously. The times we went to America the past few years, he threatened to leave during arguments, and the last time acted like he was going to. And yet, when I wanted to stay back, he begged me not to. He has been more hot and cold since then, in every single way. Libido, affection, his mood towards me. It all fluctuates and is inconsistent. One day he says he wants me here, and the next he tells me to go home during an argument. He is hard to be around outside of that as he just seems to be nicer, and more attentive, towards other people. I feel like I am the one who puts most of the effort into the relationship, and like I’ve had to beg for normal things. And that now I am just going along with his life and not advancing myself.

I think he intended to have me leave years ago, and he was angry my family wouldn’t help me, as he probably always planned that I’d go and live with one of them or with my mother again. Hence, why he mentioned it early on. I still think he’s cheating, and since joining his class he’s put a lot more effort into his appearance. It’s like he is looking for someone else, or preparing himself for a life in which he’s single. He insists this isn’t true, that he plans to be married to me until we are old.

I strongly suspect my husband is a serial cheater. His libido shifts is one of the biggest indicators, I think. He initially didn’t show much interest in me, after we met in person, having spoken online for years beforehand. He was very sexual online but turned me down in person. When we were intimate eventually, initiated by him, it felt forced. For a year he turned me down frequently and made me feel unwanted. And I had fleeting suspicions at the time something was going on. He broke down and told me had ocd about not finding me attractive, right before he started medication he claimed killed his libido. He showed barely any interest in me for months, up until I lost more weight, having already lost a lot before that.

He started to engage in PDA when he didn’t before. And so it seemed his treatment, and interest changed, after I lost weight. But he still claimed to have a low libido, which I didn’t think was true. I caught him looking at porn, which he denied, and then said was to test himself. I started to suspect he was cheating due to several suspicious things he was doing, which went on for months. He turned me down often, including in lingerie, and went soft on me, blaming the meds. Yet, at the same time, he posted somewhat explicit photos of me on here, posing as me, asking what other guys would do to me. I found the screenshots, and he seemed taken aback when I did. He engaged in a brief sexual conversation with one of the men who commented.

He told me it was because he noticed the guy was married and he wanted to out him. He had a fantasy of me being with other men, and prior to this tried to get me to sext a random guy, right around the time I first started to suspect him. He told me he wasn’t serious after I refused. Looking back I wonder if he was trying to make himself feel less guilty, or perhaps set me up. He would tell me he felt asexual at times, but then I’d catch him ogling other women, which he denied. I sat on his lap once, and he got erect, but denied it. He showed me the most interest when I dressed in a way he w/ore shamed me over. He wouldn’t touch me during sex, and also avoided closeness outside of it, moving his crotch away from me.

He’d have random spikes in libido, that didn’t make sense. One time he came onto me three times in one day. He touched me, which he rarely did, and he did so properly when he never did before. I noticed he was shaved more down there than usual. Before I could comment on that, he acknowledged it looked suspicious, and said it was an accident as he used an electric razor opposed to scissors. He later called me abusive, however, for thinking he was keeping it trimmed for months as it appeared he was. He often wanted to do risky things, like doing it in dressing rooms, or places we could be caught. I regained weight, and he showed less interest, but insisted it had nothing to do with my weight and never did. At the time, he was avoiding me, and going off to another room.

He said he was dealing with mental health issues. He became defensive over a message thread with a woman, about concert tickets, accusing me of being upset because I thought he was flirting with her which wasn’t true. He started to put me down over my weight during arguments after a while, but said he didn’t mean it, and only said it to hurt me. A few days before I suspect he cheated last year, he came onto me twice a day, two days in a row. He also snooped on my phone, the first time in a long time, something he only did when he was acting shady. For a week after that, he showed no interest, and then came onto me in the car. He knew where to go, when the few times before he struggled to find somewhere.

He drove to a park, to a well lit area, and wanted to do it outside of the car. He tongue kissed me for the first time, which I believe said before he didn’t like. He hasn’t done it since then. We went home to visit my family last summer, and he behaved suspiciously there. He lost almost all interest in sex, though he switched to a medication that was supposed to impact libido less, and initially told me it was improving as he said before on other medications. For the last year his libido has been all over the place. He was going soft on me a lot and blamed it on nerves, or denied it. He started touching me, which he said he didn’t do before due to worry he’d lose his erection, but he didn’t put barely any effort in, and didn’t do it right for some time.

He started asking weird questions months ago. Where I got my perfume, where my toy was from (he seemed to really want to know) though he had never used it on me, and when I asked him to once during sex once, he declined. He had a spike in libido that lasted a week, and he chalked up to lowering the dosage of his medication. He used the toy on me a few times, and seemed into it, but stopped after he said his libido dropped again. I asked him to do oral, and he said he would, but then came up with reasons why he didn’t want to before telling me he didn’t like it. But for some reason, he started to after that, and insisted on doing it. He wasn’t good at it, at first, but improved over time, like he was learning, though we were doing it less than before.

He doesn’t flirt with me. He doesn’t show much interest in me outside of sex. I don’t think he’s interested in me but I also think he’s seeking sex elsewhere.

When I first started to question his suspicious actions, he called me crazy and paranoid. He turned it around on me, saying I was the type to cheat, and I’d do so thinking he had. He was snooping on my phone a lot but slapped my hand away when I reached for his. Over the years, he continued to behave suspiciously, and even acknowledged some of what he did was suspicious, but called me controlling and toxic any time I questioned what he was doing. Even though he cheated me when I did the same things, but only during the times he seemed up to something. He went back and forth validating my reasons, saying it looked like he’s cheated, and other times mocking my reasons for thinking it and calling them silly.

He’d zone in on one reason, out of many, which occurred simultaneously to one another. He’d get angry times I tried to talk about it, why I suspected him, and said it was a normal reaction for someone who is innocent. Then, last year, he acknowledged once again it looks as though he’s cheated, and I’ve a right to not trust him after previously saying my lack of trust didn’t make sense. He said he wanted to do whatever it took to rebuild trust, offering to turn his location on 24/7, after previously complaining it being on before was controlling and felt wrong because he was innocent. He continued to behave suspiciously, getting angry with me for questioning things, and telling me his location was on. He admitted he wasn’t sure trust could be rebuilt, but that he thought I’d stop worrying, and accusing him.

Eventually, he started making any reason I suspected something was going on sound stupid, by over exaggerating it, and making it seem implausible. Like how I thought he was avoiding places, as he’d been for some time, out of fear of running into someone he’s cheated with. The grocery stores in town being the place he’s avoided the most. He would respond to that by mocking it, and saying he must be involved with everyone who works there, disregarding that I meant he could bump into someone who doesn’t, though I’ve also suspected he has done something with someone who works at one of the stores. That is because he has walked off, and ignored me, in front of female employees more than once. He also appeared to hide his face when walking past one of them.

He would say he must hard to resist, and must get around, and sleep with loads of people. He would suggest my memory was inaccurate, as well. And he said these were normal responses for someone in his position. When he previously suggested I hallucinated things I witnessed and overheard. It felt more like gaslighting, and him being angry that it didn’t work, when I had a reasonable answer to why I suspected him and it didn’t sound as far out as he tried to make it seem. He would insist that people influenced me think what I did, whenever I posted about it, which he hated going as far as to delete posts I made. He said I made things sound worse than they were, made it sound convincing. He told me today he hasn’t cheated, and I said actions matter more than words, transparent consistent behaviours.

He asked what actions he was doing that made me think otherwise. I mentioned how he’s repeatedly become more guarded with his phone at times he’s doing other things. Of course he can break each instance down, and focus on one at a time, and give reasons for them. But he refuses to see the entire situation as whole. I said at one point he looked over a lot when I used his phone, looking at any message that came through, and he said that was normal and people check messages when they come through. And mocked the idea that he was worried a text from someone he was involved with was going to come through. He gave reasons for other instances, such as when he wanted me to stand beside him as I used his phone once, and cussed me out demanding I brought it back after I walked off for a minute.

He was getting on the exercise bike, and said he needed his phone for music, and didn’t think I’d give it back. He later told me that he thought I was going to snoop, and I asked what the issue with that would’ve been, to which he said there would’ve been no issue but it wasn’t the right time to as he needed his phone. It was around that time, that he was staying up all night after I went to bed. One morning, I woke up, and grabbed his phone and he walked I right after I did. He asked what I was doing, and said his phone needed to keep charging. He took it from me, tilted it to the side, and appeared to delete something before handing it back to me and saying it had enough charge. I asked what he deleted, and he said an article on divorce, initially.

He later said he didn’t delete anything and was just checking something. Another thing he was doing at the time was constantly checking his emails, including at odd times like late at night. But he expects me not to put all of this together, and think he was cheating, but to accept his individual reason for all of it. And he gets angry that I won’t do that.