u/yvie_of_lesbos

homemade chocolate cake

trigger/content warning: internalized aphobia and very minimal mention of sexual content.

i’m agender (but AFAB) and currently 18.

i don’t think anyone will see this, but it’s pride month and i feel no sense of pride for myself at all. every since i was 10, i knew whatever i was, i wasn’t straight. i had already been exposed to BL and GL and i knew i had an aesthetic attraction to girls.

i kept confusing that aesthetic attraction with romantic and sexual attraction. it wasn’t until i was around 13 did it finally click for me that i was actually asexual. okay, fine, cool. i could live with that. i could read a fanfic with sexual content in it but at the same time, acknowledge that i was uncomfortable with actually seeing the content and/or participating in it. that was fine.

but i spent years and years after trying to put myself into a box. i had an aesthetic attraction to men but felt a stronger one towards girls. none of it translated into romantic attraction. it wasn’t until a couple years ago did i finally realize that aromanticism checked off every box for me.

not once do i remember actually feeling romantic love for someone— not even a crush. i grew up faking my crushes to fit in. whenever i attempted to dig deeper behind the aesthetic attraction i held for someone, it always felt hollow and empty— there was literally nothing there. romance isn’t something i want because it is not something i feel nor can i understand.

i still haven’t come to terms with it to be honest. i like hugs, i like cuddling, i like holding hands, and honestly, even the thought of kissing a person doesn’t seem completely awful. but i don’t necessarily want a romantic relationship, let alone a sexual one. my libido is pretty much nonexistent, so i never have a craving for it. but when it comes to romance? i read so much manga, manhwa, and manhua. i read fanfic and i listened to love songs. but i also realized that when it came to the dramas and anime i watched, i couldn’t tolerate it if romance was anything more than a subplot or secondary plot.

this is because i couldn’t relate to the feelings that the leads were feeling. i can’t relate to any of it. it just makes me so upset. i don’t even know what i’m missing out on. people have tried to explain what their experience with romance is like to me, but it’s literally the same vibe as trying o explain the colour blue to a person born with monochromatic colour blindness. you just can’t. it only leaves me feeling more frustrated because i will never be able to actually feel romantic attraction despite the fact that a romantic relationship is not something i want.

i value my friendships dearly, but eventually i know that if it came down to it, my friends would choose their partners or future partners over me. and that’s valid, i guess. but i still really long to have at least one person who would choose me every time. i want someone i can fall asleep with at night and wake up in the morning with. i want a person that would want me and only me. i want someone who can satisfy my need for tactile affection. but i can’t feel romantic attraction, nor do i want romantic attraction.

i feel cursed. even though my younger sister is queer, she still experiences romantic and sexual attraction on some level. my family is straight. my friends are all either straight or queer but none of them are asexual or aromantic. just me. i don’t know what went wrong with me. i grew up watching disney movies where the princes and the princesses fall in love, i listened to love songs, i grew up with BL and GL and straight romance webnovels, etc. but for some reason, i came out wrong. i just hate it. every pride month gets worse and worse for me.

i don’t think anybody understands how i feel. no matter what community i post in, i just get downvoted or people dismiss and invalidate me. i think i’m the problem.

açaí bowl from the hospital (nothing serious, i was there for a family member’s physical therapy).

i’m so beaten down and tired. how is it that i’m only 18 and so ready to leave this place? i’m turning 19 very soon and i feel ready to stop. i’m so, so tired. i’m in so much mental pain and it feels like the harder i try to save myself, the more i’m gonna sink.

sometimes i genuinely feel like i have no fight left in me. but i’m going to keep trying. even if i have to do it with a headache from how hard i cry, i’m still going to give life another chance. i’m giving it just one more chance. if it doesn’t work out, then i’ll go. but just for now, i’m giving life one more chance.

bread bowl and soup. it tasted really good.

tw: brief mention of suicide.

i’m so sick. i’m so angry and regretful that it’s making me physically sick. just last year i was here on this subreddit crying about how i was turning 18 and had no clue what i was doing. well now i’m turning 19 and i still haven’t got a clue.

only thing is, i think it’s too late to restart my life. i did so poorly on a class this semester that i got dropped. i couldn’t keep up with the workload no matter how bad i tried. after i got dropped, i lost motivation and have probably failed my other classes. i don’t know because i can’t bring myself to check. that was $1250 USD of my parents’ money down the drain. after that, i decided i would kill myself. i have always been suicidal but this was really the icing on the cake.

well, i decided not to, even after planning for months and buying what i needed. i couldn’t bring myself to hurt my mom and sisters. but i’m so upset. i’m beyond upset. i’ve never felt so much hurt in my life. i wish i could go back to june of 2025 when i had made that stupid post crying about how i wasn’t ready to be an adult yet. i still had so much time to do things right. nothing bad had even happened to me yet, i didn’t have shit to be crying for.

pictures pop up from that time and it feels like i’m being taunted because i can only look at pictures of the past— i’m not allowed to actually go back and it’s making me sick. i’m so upset with myself. summer of 2025 genuinely feels like it was a month ago for me. i just get even angrier when i remember how depressed and suicidal i was back then because i still had time. i didn’t fuck up that badly back then.

but now i have and i can’t go back. i sound so stupid and pathetic and who knows with the way my life is going, maybe i’ll be back again at 20 writing the same shit. or maybe i won’t be here. i don’t know. i’m so upset. i can’t stop crying. all i’ve done is cry. i feel like it’s just in my DNA to make mistakes. that’s all i’ve done for the nearly two decades that i’ve been alive on this earth. i know humans make mistakes but the only thing i seem to be capable of is making mistakes. other than that, i can’t seem to function like a normal human being.

i don’t even know what i’m writing anymore. i’m so sad. i’ve never been so sad. i want to change things and do better but i don’t know why my plans fall flat. i don’t know why every attempt i make in life just results in me getting hurt. i don’t even know anymore.

please feel free to make fun of me in the comments. i genuinely deserve it at this point. i’ve been given so many chances and opportunities in life and all i do is mess them up for myself. i can’t even cry anymore i think i’ve run out of tears now.

i can’t find this artist’s face or gender but i am very sure it might be a man lol.

i really like this song but the cover for the music video has always looked so insane to me. 😭 i tried to do this exact position— boobs and arms pressed flat to floor and my torso facing up horizontally. nearly broke my damn back.

i had my sister attempt to do it and she couldn’t either. 😭😭

edit: also her boobs look like they hurt. poor gumi.

i’m 5’2” and currently fluctuating from 126-129 lbs. i’m currently a size 4-6 or a US M but would like to be a size XS-S. i used to weigh 142 lbs but i don’t see any changes after dieting and working out since losing the weight.

my stomach is not completely flat and no matter what i do, it won’t flatten. i have tried cardio and pilates and it still won’t flatten. i also have fat in my arms and thighs. my mom says i’m not fat and don’t need to lose weight but i do not believe her at all. i know that reddit will not sugarcoat anything !! just please give it to me straight.

i misclicked while on google today and accidentally clicked their little AI option as i often do. normally, i’d just exit and go on about my day, but these prompts really struck something within me.

why would i need AI to show me gazing outside? or to take a park selfie of me? i live in florida, a state with access to many parks. my neighborhood also attracts many kinds of animals that i could go and see. i’m sure this word is very overused within this subreddit, but isn’t it kind of dystopian that google wants people to use their AI to imagine themselves outside?

i know that parks may not be accessible for everybody and maybe some people are wheelchair or hospital bound and cannot leave their house on their own. but for the MOST part, majority of us CAN go outside and take a selfie. genuinely who is this for? what would be the reason for generating an image like this? if someone sent me an AI generated image of them outside instead of actually going outside, i would be so confused.

we can’t even go outside anymore without the help of AI? what in the world?