r/Pilotwives

I'm not sure if this is the right place for this, but I've been trying to get into more online communities for pilot wives/spouses, especially ones near where my boyfriend and I live and the base he's out of (he's very lucky he doesn't have to commute and we haven't had to move).

The one consistency though I find among all the communities is that many of the wives talk about their kids or bond with other wives because of their kids. One group I just joined I found out is majority posts of how to travel with kids..... my boyfriend and I don't, and won't, have this issue, and I struggle to connect with moms because I'm not one and don't plan to be one.

Are we just an extreme minority in this community? How likely is it to find another child free couple across our local community? I would like to try making friends with any of the women I find around me but worry I'll get ditched fast because my lifestyle is different :/

Anyone else’s pilot husband always ‘too tired’ to have any fun at home, yet spend their entire layovers out drinking late? ‘Doesn’t see their phone’ for hours when they’re out, then suddenly when they’re back at the hotel they’re ’too tired to call’ regardless of how many hours they had energy to go out with the crew for and how late they’ve kept you up waiting?

I love my partner, we live together, and I don’t think he’s up to anything untoward (well I hope not lol) but I just feel like all respect for me and his actual life go out the window so he can spend time drinking with people he’s just met. Even when we agree boundaries like calling before midnight (home time) or responding quickly whilst I’m in hospital, he still can’t stick to them. It really upsets me as I don’t feel like a priority at all when he’s away, like an ‘out of sight, out of mind’ situation where he just pushes any responsibilities/consequences aside until he gets home.

This then leads to a cycle that I hate where I panic when he says he’s going out as I know it’s going to be hours of stress for me. I don’t want to stop him going out at all, I just want him to stick to what with agreed regarding communication and not feel tossed aside as soon as he steps foot in a hotel bar.

Am I being ridiculous about this, or do any of you understand/experience the same?

Hi there,

I am a graduate student working on her PsyD in Clinical Psychology, and I am conducting a research study to understand commercial/airline pilots’ experiences related to occupational identity, stigma, workplace pressures, and decisions surrounding mental health disclosure.

All responses will be kept confidential. I am also a therapist, so I understand how sensitive and private these topics are within the aviation community. Therefore, confidentiality is of the utmost importance to me, and I will do everything I can to protect your privacy. While we will be discussing perceptions around mental health, I will not ask you to disclose any mental health or other personal information. Instead, I am interested in learning about your perspectives and experiences regarding how mental health is viewed and discussed within the aviation community.

You may decline to answer any questions or withdraw from the study at any time without penalty. No identifying or personal information will be collected or shared with employers, peers, licensing boards, or regulatory agencies. I will not ask where you work, live, or got your training, so long as participants are U.S.-based. I will not even require participants to give me their real name, just their time and willingness to be interviewed!

I desperately need commercial/airline pilot participants for this study. Eligibility criteria are listed below for those who can participate. If you’re interested and eligible, or would like more information, please send me a direct message!

If you choose to participate, you will receive an informed consent document before the interview that details the study’s purpose, procedures, risks, and benefits.

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A one-time virtual interview

Semi-structured, conversational format

Audio only with recording for analysis purposes (no video recording, no cameras on)

Participation is completely voluntary (can skip questions or stop the interview at any time)

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Commercial/airline pilots (18+)

Currently employed in the United States

Hold a valid first- or second-class medical certificate

Fly fixed-wing aircraft

At least one year of commercial flight experience

English-speaking

*Retired pilots, current CFIs, and helicopter pilots are excluded from this study.

For context: I’ve been with my pilot for 6 and a half years, married for 2 and half. He recently upgraded at a regional and I see him 1-2 days a week (I commented on someone’s post today but under the wrong account, so this may look familiar). He commutes the day before his reserve and comes home the day he’s released. We don’t want to move- I offered but we both know we wouldn’t enjoy the city he’s based in currently.
Because of our lack of time together and everything at home falling on me now, I’ve been thinking about quitting my part time job. It’s in healthcare so I work 2 long shifts and a half shift per week. My boss works with my husband’s unpredictable schedule and lets me off the one day that he’s home. However, there are things about my work environment that are burning me out.
I have always ALWAYS worked. I worked through undergrad and graduate school and I went back to school only to postpone because the responsibilities at home and work became too much and I couldn’t keep up. We don’t have kids and aren’t really planning to have any at the moment. I’m also 9 and a half hours away from any and all family. Are there any other spouses in here that quit their jobs to keep their lives running?

Husband is still relatively new to his airline career so I don’t know too much of what to expect. I have gotten some advice here before but it was reasonable advice and I learned to accept the changes and trust the way things are.

For context on how we work- he always texts and calls whenever he can. I am understanding if he can’t respond right away or at all if is having a meal with a captain or napping or exercising. He still usually will check in with a couple texts though, and he doesn’t ever stay out long, anyway. He always FaceTime’s before bed, too. We communicate a lot!

So yesterday he got a long layover at a fancy exotic resort. He initially asked if maybe I wanted to go with him as it’s on the weekend and I said yes but then he told me later on that there were no available seats.

When he got there it really felt as if he was intentionally trying to upset me or start a fight with things he was bringing up over text. I got busy with something and he texted me that he was going out with the captain and he will talk later. Usually he is texting me as he is walking down the hall to the captain, in the taxi, at the brewery, and then on the way back etc, so I thought it was strange that he stopped at that and never even mentioned he would be going out before that?

Anyway, I texted a couple times, then eventually began calling because I was panicking something maybe bad happened (I feel like a pathetic, desperate idiot for that now). No response, like 3.5 hours ghosted.

He then FaceTime’s me and when I answered, he was lying on his hotel bed with a robe on and he is not a robe guy. He never goes shirtless and he never wears robes. It was strange and he doesn’t drink, he never will drink with me either even if I ask him too on special occasions- and he swears he can’t drink because of his medication for cholesterol but he looked drunk? I asked if he drank and he was like yea, “maybe 1… maybe 2… maybe 3…” Then when I told him I was upset and I thought something bad happened to him he began rolling his eyes and then got up and started to get dressed. He told me he was going back out to eat and drink in the city with the captain and he had to go and I was making him late (he FaceTime’d me and it had been like 5 minutes lol).

At this point, I had accepted my L. So I didn’t reach back out. But again, strangely, no texts and no calls from him again. Not while out, not all night. I did eventually get “goodnight,” which was unusual because normally he facetimes or texts a bunch of hearts. I was already asleep then though and he would have known that.

This morning, nothing from him. And I’m not going to humiliate myself again like I did yesterday with all of my calling. He is on his way back home now. I don’t know how to act in person and after crying last night, I’ve been dissociating today.

I need any and all advice, please. Completely understandable if I get backlash or no replies but just typing this out was really therapeutic for me. And thank you if anyone reads all of this.

My bf of 5 years is a CFI/CFII with 700 hours so he’s working 7 days a week and only takes a day off if we have an event to go to or half day because of weather or something. So he’s always not home and when he’s home he’s so checked out and just wants to rest. He’s working really hard for our little family to move on to the next step. We have two daughters (4&1) which i stay home with. His CFI job now requires him to fly and stay in a hotel for student check rides sometimes for dodging bad weather or if a student has a super early test because the examiner is (3 hr away car Distance) but his job will tell him super last min that he has take a student so On a whim he’s not coming home and has to be gone. But man it’s so mentally hard. Like tonight: he was supposed to be off at 8pm and texted me around 3 saying he has to go fly a student there so daddy isn’t coming home to his girls and now and when he flys back tomorrow morning he has a full day of work so won’t see him till night. He knows how hard it is on us and that’s why he’s so focused on trying to get a jet job of some sort to give our family more stability but man I feel like I’m in the trenches holding it all together. But i also can’t help but feel like man i wish he could get a pilot job where he’s home every night, but that’s so rare… do you ladies have any tips or does layovers etc get easier? 😭

My bf (26m) pilot and I 24(f) have been dating almost a year. He was a cargo pilot for about 8 months, & then he made it to the regionals. Him being at training for over a month and a half was very difficult; he agreed he was not kind to me at all, because I asked if he could at least call me once a week to keep me updated and when I would get upset because he missed it he would blame me and I would end up consoling myself. I felt like I was begging for months for basic communication.

I’ve had pilots in the family so I know the stress, and I let it go. I celebrate him continuously, give him gifts for every milestone or mini step in his career, be there for him emotionally and try to move my schedule around to be there physically. I have centered my life around him (I know, not good, but I was in love).

Insight; he tells me he hates where he’s at on reserves (very expensive), living in crash pad, doesn’t know anybody, can’t afford anything, and I unfortunately feel like that insecurity gets thrown on me with anger when I just try to communicate.

Now, I’m moving to the other side of the country for my job, and I am SO excited. Instead of getting the support I gave him, he’s complaining I’m not communicating with him well. I’m not telling him I love him, or initiating calls, or texting in a good amount of time. I asked what does communication look like to him so I can do better; and he just says he’s frustrated with me. I told him I’m not on the ball right now with communication because now that the roles have reversed, I’m now moving for work and focused on myself for a bit. I calmly stated I’d like the same help I gave him, & I was asked “how have you helped me at all?” & “I’ve always done everything on my own, it hasn’t changed.” I started bawling.

I have gotten him two huge references of captains of the major airlines for him to use to get there, & that’s just a portion of what I’ve done. I’ve spent gobs of money, time, & emotions. I’ve always been told I’m unbelievably ungrateful for what he does for me, which to be honest isn’t much. Is this an ego thing? I do not know how to handle this. I haven’t seen him in a month & I won’t see him for another month. Usually he unleashes his anger on me & then apologizes later and says he’s working on it. I know the stress is bad, but I don’t know when enough is enough.

He said these things to me on a phone call the other day; & he text me 28 hours later with “hope you have a good day. I miss you & love you.” I haven’t responded at all. I don’t know how to move forward, or if anyone has been through this before. I feel like a cheerleader for him, and not a partner. I genuinely just need some encouragement.

I have been married with my pilot 7 years now. We have a 2 1/2 YO; he’s is on long hauls since 2024.
I was a lawyer in another life. Had to stop because of a burn out. He was out of a job at that time, so he was there to support me but since the only job he found was abroad, I had to travel back and forth for him while figuring out how to get myself out of depression (and a miscarriage)
Once I got out of that, he made it into his dream airline, and I got pregnant at the same time (very difficult pregnancy, birth, post partum).
To summarize, for years now I have been doing anything I can to help him grow in his dream career. Now I take care of the house, our kid, basically everything.
I am tired. Of not having a life, of nobody accepting me for a job because I had these few years off, and most of all of him coming back from his flights, being very angry because he is tired and being basically a pain in the … for me and lacking patience with our son. He won’t even admit it. Like: « we pilots are tired because of jet lag, you have to understand. And I do sooo much for you when I am home » (meaning staying the nights with our son who sometimes wakes up but less now, doing dishes and dinner. Basic household and fatherhood stuff for me).
I feel like everything I do is not that important, or normal for him. That me being tired is not normal either in his mind (he tells me I am fragile because carrying everything all alone stresses me out and I often have health issues because of that, which I never had before).
Now today he got very angry at my son for waking me up. For no real reason actually.
I don’t know who this man is. Ok I get it jet lag whatever but why do you have to be like that when you are home? You haven’t seen your kid in one week and you snap because he did not comply with what you asked within 10 seconds at 2,5? Wtf?
I tried to talk to his mum about this. The answer was: « he has a difficult job, you have to understand. Try to talk to him, find a job to stop being all about him and if you are not happy divorce. »
Thanks… I would love to have a job but I don’t sleep at night because of our son, I carry all the burn of the house mostly alone, and I am so freaking tired I cannot do anything.
Am I the only one who is thinking why the hell I accepted to go into this, to leave my own life behind and accept this whole situation? Like why are they, just because they are pilots, entitled to be the priority of the whole family??
I know I sound bitter and angry and I should not complain, he has a good job and salary but… I feel so utterly alone.
Anyone else having this problem ?

I (28F) have been with my boyfriend (31M) for four years. About 10 months ago, he started working as an air ambulance pilot. He's often away for 4–6 days at a time, including overnight stays. Since we don't live together yet, we usually only see each other once or twice a week.

When he's away, I usually get a short message saying he's arrived and is going to get something to eat. Then I often don't hear from him for several hours. Later I'll get a brief update about his day before he goes to sleep. I've told him many times that communication is very important to me. Since texting is the only way we can stay connected for several days while he's away, I've asked him if he could communicate a bit more. He never calls me. Sometimes he's in countries where he should have perfectly normal internet access, yet my messages don't go through for quite a while, which I find strange.

I've brought this up so many times, but nothing changes. The messages stay short and superficial. When he's away and I don't mean while he's actually flying, but in the evenings at the hotel I often feel like I'm not important to him.

When we do see each other, he's usually exhausted from work and never wants to do anything. He mostly complains about how tired he is and talks almost exclusively about his job. Even on his days off, he checks the flight schedule five times a day to see which crews and aircraft are flying.

We haven't been intimate for months because, according to him, he's too tired. Whenever he has days off, I have to try to arrange my own schedule around his because he can't choose his days off himself.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the one making all the effort, planning things, compromising, and trying to keep our relationship alive. But because he's the pilot, it feels like everything revolves around his job, and when he's away, I barely exist.

He's also planning to apply to a European airline soon, which could mean moving to another city for scheduled airline flights.

Will this get better with time? Am I overreacting? What can I do? I really need some advice.