r/fosterit

Hi. So I have wanted to and have been planning to foster/adopt for a long time and working on making that happen. I understand that waiting children are those ready for adoption where most foster kids the goal is still reunification. So I guess my question is... Do I want to foster or adopt? If I foster an older kid (8+), what is the likelihood that could lead to adoption? I know a lot of work goes into both. I am trauma trained and working on all of the education before I go into this.

I also would love to hear from former foster/adopted kids. What are things you wished your former foster parents knew or did differently? What advice would you have for best supporting whichever kiddo comes into my house? I also have heard about guardianship vs adoption as well and have heard some former adoptive kids wish their parents had gone the guardianship route so they have access to their families history and things like that. What are your thoughts on that? I'm sorry that this is a lot and if I still seem uneducated about all this 😭 I promise I'm trying. That's why I'm here.

I recently applied to a college program I'm intensely interested in, and they responded with an invitation to come tour the school and meet with the school's director. I'm hyping it up in my head a lot, because I want to get in really badly. There are two colleges in my municipality that teach the program I'm interested in. Specifically, I'm applying for acupuncture and traditional East Asian medicine. I've always been really interested in healthcare, and especially complementary care like massage therapy, acupuncture, osteopathy, traditional herbalism, things like that. I've found a lot of help, healing, and connection through things like osteopathy and herbal medicine.

I have had some mental health struggles, and I talked over my acupuncture decision with my therapist and with my priest. They were both excited for me to be applying, especially my therapist--she thinks it would be a really good fit for me, as the education can be taken part time (three days a week, leaving two days a week for therapy appointments and injections and so on), and there's a lot of flexibility and room to set your own hours working in the field. My priest was also amped for me--he's a huge proponent of education (he has a doctorate in...priestly studies, I guess?, and he lectures at a university) and remembers me talking for the last several years about wanting to go into healthcare. And my osteopath is especially excited for me. Right now I'm working a minimum wage job that has no benefits. In my city, a lot of complementary health practices are opening up and expanding, and I see plenty of acupuncture and wellness jobs that pay upwards of $30 an hour, plus benefits, which is crazy money to me. My osteo said that doing the program, if I get in, would change my life. There are even acupuncturists at her practice!

Anyway, I've applied to the first of the two schools that teach acupuncture here. The curriculum seems amazing. You do three semesters of Classical Chinese language study so you can read passages from classical acupuncture texts in their original languages, you do three semesters of taijiquan and can even continue your studies to become an instructor, they incorporate qi gong and meditation every day, and they teach more than just TCM acupuncture, they also cover Japanese and other acupuncture methods. The other acupuncture school in my city is good too, but it only teaches TCM acupuncture, and only has a single term of Chinese. The first school also has a reputation of being a better environment to learn in, and is slightly less expensive. So I know which school I'd prefer to go to. I've paid the $75 application fee to the first college, and I'll apply to the second if I don't get into the first. The first school is apparently much more competitive.

I aged out of care a few years ago mid-way through 12th grade, and I'm not in contact with my old social worker or any former foster parents, so I don't have a lot of more experienced adults to ask for advice, besides my priest and my osteo, who I've already talked to. I have been talking online with someone who's a current student at the college, who told me that the tour and meeting with the director will probably be really chill and I shouldn't worry too much about it. But I am worried, and I wanted advice.

I have three chief areas of concern. The first is my outfit. I work a casual job, and don't really own any business type clothes. It would be a significant financial strain to buy some. What should I wear? I was thinking I could wear a white button-up blouse with a light green cotton checked jumper dress I have. It's casual, but it's pretty and it's modest and I feel confident in it. Do you think that's dressy enough for a school tour? The director of the school is setting his lunch hour aside to show me around (it's a pretty small school.)

The second is, how do I make a good first impression? I can be pretty socially awkward--I'm actually on the Autism spectrum. I know to shake hands with reasonable firmness and to make eye contact, but any other tips? I'm terrified they'll find me unpleasant or off-putting, even though I've put a lot of work into improving my social skills.

The final concern is, what questions should I definitely ask? I've made a list.

• What is the employment rate of their graduates?
• What is the graduation rate of their students?
• What is the pass rate of their students on the Pan-Canadian qualifying exam?
• Which acupuncture associations can their graduates join?
• Have they had students with disabilities before? What kind of accommodations can they make for a student with a disability?
• Have any students from the acupuncture program gone on to take the TCM-P diploma that other schools offer acupuncture grads? Were they successful?
• What is their process for needs-based grants? (The website says they offer them and you can apply when you're accepted, based on availability and need.)
• The course catalog says you can optionally continue your taijiquan studies to become an instructor, what's that process like? What is the additional cost?

I already know the tuition cost, textbook cost, and biographies of all their teachers. I've read the course descriptions for each course. Should I do anything else to prepare for the tour and meeting the director?

I get $5,000 a year towards my education from the Children's Aid Foundation as a former youth in care. If I take the program over three years, as is my intention, the tuition will be about $10,000 a year (it's $31,800 for the entire program, $210 per credit), so the CAF help will significantly reduce my debt. It's still a big decision to take on debt to go to school. But if I don't get some kind of specialized education, I'll never get out of the cafe and the minimum wage job world. I won't be able to build a future. So I think it's wise--what do you all think?

Sorry for the long post and all the questions, I just love getting feedback from people and want to make sure I don't miss anything obvious. It also helps me to write things out.

hi, i'm a woman in my early 20s so nowhere near fostering, but i feel very strongly about young pregnant girls needing a safe space since i feel like the medical system doesn't advocate for pregnant women at all, let alone teens (i did my final essay for one of my classes on this)

i was curious if placements can tell social workers/agencies that they want to take in pregnant teens, or is it just something you're asked about on the spot? i know the overturning of roe v wade made the situation a lot worse, but what are their rights in terms of abortion and medical advocacy?

i wanted to see if anyone has any reliable sources or orgs to look into? i'm ofc open to hearing personal stories if anyone's comfortable sharing, but any link or name of resources i can check out on my own is good too

i hope it's okay to ask this here and that's the correct flair but totally understand if not, thank you in advance

Myself (33F) and my husband do not have any children. I am a teacher that works with teenagers, but that is the extent of our contact with kids. I’ve always been interested in foster care, but haven’t had the money or space to seriously consider it until recently.

Last night, I went to a Q&A put on by Utah Foster and every other person there was already a parent. I am now having major doubts about my capacity to do this as someone who has always been child free.

I’m aware that separation from bio parents is inherently traumatic, and I feel even less equipped to help children with trauma. I want to provide kids a soft place to land during the worst periods of their lives, but I’m worried my inexperience would make things even worse.

Are there any other people who went from zero kids to fostering? What was your experience like? Am I crazy for considering this? Any insights or advice would be appreciated.

So ive been in foster care for about 3 months now and the process escaled to court in the first one they said they needed more time to see what happens i have two brothers my older brother said that we were harmed but we werent and bc there are some scars they thin my mom did it but it was actually from previous sibiling fights they dont beleiv us tho. ive been sending messages to the the social worker and the childs guardian about me wanting to go home but it almost never does nothing and i dont know what to do or say to be more convincing so please anybody can help with what i should do and not to do

My ultimate goal is to adopt a teen, pre-teen or mixed age sibling group. I’ve wanted to do this for 20 years, and have honestly prepared myself about as much as I possibly could. (Addressed my own trauma in therapy, educated myself on parenting children with trauma, got a degree in social work, worked a few years as a crisis counselor, was a youth camp counselor and babysat as a teen, took online parenting classes, read tons and tons of books and articles, spoken with FPs and APs, etc., etc., etc.) I’ve always heard the advice of have bio kids or foster before you decide to adopt, and do respite care before you foster. That was my plan initially (minus bio kids) But now that I’m at a great place in my life to do this, have an empty spare room, and have ran out of excuses… I think I’m getting wet feet?

Something in my gut tells me to go straight to adoption, but I know logically, that’s going against all advice I’ve received. (But that advice is all from FPs and APs… who have also given me a lot of blatantly horrible advice, TBH.) Part of it is that I don’t want to have a foster placement and be stuck in this country when/if SHTF. That would be a horrible position to be in- stay in an unsafe situation, disrupt/abandon a child or illegally kidnap them to leave the country and get to safety would be the options. I don’t want to or plan to leave, and I’m not trying to catastrophize- that’s just the reality we’re living in, unfortunately.

So, my question for FFY is what are your opinions/experiences with inexperienced FPs? Does having experience make someone a better parent? (Not looking for answers from FPs, ATM.)

so my parents are foster carers and i’m in my mid 20s just moved back into my family home for a couple of years to save money. the kid is 11 and im not close with them at all really as they’re quite a complex mind to get to know, me not being a kid person anyway and the fact im not home a lot due to work, but i just wondered if anyone on here had anything they wished were said to them like any advice to give a child in care or anything you would’ve wanted from an adult looking back on your childhood? i thought about any keep sakes or something as i know they wont have a whole lot of items that hold memories due to moving around previously? or any words that stuck with you that helped you feel better growing up? not sure but anything would help i feel like something meaningful could bring us closer together too maybe

also im not sure i used the correct flair sorry !

I want to share my story.

I was removed from my parents when I was 6.

My father was neglectful. My mother was very detached, as 6 days before my birth, her brother Chris committed suicide.

I had really bad attention seeking habits, ie. Playing in traffic, drinking Windex, threatening suicide. I always felt ignored.

We were also really poor, living in crack house apartments, run down house, moldy trailers, etc.

I ended up in 9+ different fosters, 4 group homes, and 3 different psychwards. Multiple visits to some in Lincoln, NE.

I truly hated my time in it, and ended up hating myself.

I had 2 foster homes that picked me from a website, a month or so before Christmas, got the state check for extra gifts, and then abandoned me.

I had one when I was 15 who promised adoption. They were a Christian family, and they dropped me off at my therapists like usual on Friday, except that time I went out to the lobby and all my belongings were in those fucking black bags on the middle of the floor.

I got sent to epworth village in York Nebraska when I was 10, and I got put on so many medications, that it made me kinda stupid. I went from being 80 ish pounds, to almost 300 in the span of 2 years. At 12 they put me on lithium.

I spent 2 years at boys town.

During the time of excess medication, I became unruly and incredibly violent.

When I was at epworth, I was raped by my roommate, and instead of anything happening, I got moved to a solo room. I was 12.

I am 32 now, I aged out in 2013. When I aged out I was instantly homeless. No help figuring out how to apply for jobs, I wasn't smart enough for college. Just tossed aside.

I felt useless, and had a few failed suicide attempts, one was VERY close.

I only had one good foster mom, A B. I was becoming aggressive at that time, so she went to take classes to learn how to take care of me in a way that could help me end the cycle of violence. My new case worker, Lisa, fresh out of college, and me being her first ward, decided she knew best, and had me removed from her home and brought to epworth, and then a month later, quit being my case worker.

I am better now, mostly. I still have explosive meltdowns and hurt myself with my fists, but not nearly as much before. I don't hate myself anymore, and I have a job, and a home, a driver's license, and am engaged.

I also got into touch with A B, she still lives in the same house. And she was over the moon to see me, and I cried a lot . We are setting up a bigger visit, and I'm very happy to have her back in my life.

Thanks for listening to my ted talk.

Hello, I’m pretty unsure of what the right answer to this is. My wife and I are still quite young, but we have been trying for biological children for a few years now. We want to have kids in our home because we feel like we have a lot of support and care to give to them, and my family has fostered before and we thought this could be really good. That being said, my wife feels it is cruel to whatever kids we end up fostering to still be trying because if we do get pregnant, it seems they would have to be rehomed (we’re in Idaho if that is pertinent). I don‘t want to stop trying because I do think there are some kiddos waiting to come that way to our family, but I of course don’t want to cause undue harm by doing this. Is it ok to still be trying to get pregnant while starting to foster? If it isn’t, I’d really like to understand why, but any input helps.

Edit: we want to foster regardless of pregnancy. We’ve been planning on fostering and potentially fostering to adopt for years regardless of what happened with bio kids. We’ve waited until now so I can be out of college when we start fostering. From what we had read previously, it sounded like if we did have a major life change such as pregnancy while fostering, the child would likely be rehomed regardless of our desires. We want to care for these kids and provide a loving home to those who need it while not shutting down the possibility of biological kids coming our way too, hence the post asking about it.

My 14 year old sister was taken into state's custody recently due to severe abuse and drug use in her home (both parents are in active addiction). Reunification is highly unlikely in her situation.

She is currently visiting with me for two weeks. When I picked her up from her current foster home for this visit, I found the home to be in a very nasty state (animal excrement everywhere, lots of mold, ect). I'm not saying I expected a perfect home, but I would consider this unfit for children to live in.

She asked if she could come live with me and I am very open to the idea. I'm 35, married, and have a 12 year old daughter who loves my sister. I have a stable career and pleanty of room in my home.

I want to do anything and everything I can to help my sister. My grandma was able to take me in when this happened many years ago to me, but now our grandparents are dead and my sister doesn't have that same safety net. No other family member wants to take her.

I have two questions. My first question is - can distance hurt my chances of getting her?

We live in the same state (Tennessee) but we are about 5 hours away from each other. She's in east TN in a very rural area, I'm in west TN in Memphis. I don't want to tell my her 'yes of course you can come' - if it's unlikely the state will let her come.

My second question is what is the best way to get this process started? Do I just call the DHS office in her county? I'd like to get her here before school starts in August. Could the process move that fast?

I don't really have anyone to celebrate with (not that there's anything to celebrate yet, except maybe reaching a point where I can apply), so I figured I would post here. I tried a year of university in the past, but it went poorly due to my then-undiagnosed schizophrenia spectrum disorder. But now I'm correctly diagnosed, taking medicine, and I have an apartment of my own. It feels like now could be the right time to go to school. I'm not sure I'll ever be capable of working full time, or even working in the field I study, but it would still be amazing to be able to get my diploma. I could frame it, and throw a graduation party--I never got one when I finished high school. It's a chance to make friends and learn a new skill, and I get some support with college from the Children's Aid Foundation, so my debt would be a little bit reduced.

Hi all,

Looking for some advice really

My husband’s niece has been taken into care. She’s 13. No one else in the family has stepped forward to help. It’s broken my heart so after several long discussions we have decided to get involved. Her social worker came over tonight and we had a discussion around her potentially staying with us until she is 18. It’s a little overwhelming but something we thought may happen.

They want to go down the foster route because of how many different family members have had her, they don’t want this to just be another failure. We have agreed to do a viability assessment and become foster parents.

About my husband’s niece, she has a terrible attitude at times but it’s only because she’s never had stability and doesn’t feel loved so she acts out, she’s seen violence, drug taking, drinking etc.

I would really appreciate any and all advice on this.

Thank you

I'm so bored in my placement, there's nothing to do.
Its so hot I can't go out. I just feel trapped here. I'm not allowed to do anything. I can't talk to anyone about it because everyone's using their PTO to go on holiday.

I don't want to spend my entire summer (including birthday) in care.

I’m in Columbus, Ohio, and I’m looking for advice about a CMHA/subsidized housing issue.

Earlier this year, my property manager told me I did not need to complete my annual CMHA recertification. I trusted that because she was the property manager. Months later, I’m being told I was considered noncompliant since around February and that I may owe around $4,000 in back rent, fines, and/or charges.

I have contacted CMHA multiple times. I was told my case was marked urgent and that recertification, informal hearing staff, and/or the legal team would contact me, but I still have not received follow-up after weeks.

I also tried to get copies of documents related to my case, including notices of compliance and my lease. I was told I could not receive them because I had been terminated from the program, but other CMHA staff seemed confused and said I should still be able to get my documents.

I am not asking for money. I’m asking for advice on who to contact and what steps to take next. Should I contact CMHA again, city council, a tenant organization, or local news? Has anyone dealt with CMHA termination, recertification problems, or being denied housing documents?

I already contacted Legal Aid, but I was told this may be difficult because CMHA says they have proof the recertification was sent, making it a “he said, she said” situation.

I’m a former foster youth and I’m trying to stay housed while continuing school, so this is urgent for me. Any advice or local resources would help.

Back story: I am the oldest sibling and have 2 kids of my own. My sister, her husband of 10+ years and 3 kids live in another state. The 2 oldest kids of her crew are from her previous marriage and they went on to have one of their own.

She called me about 2 months ago crying that her oldest son and husband have been bumping heads pretty bad and resulting in physical violence and my nephew running away. My nephew was starting to head down a bad road of drugs and police run ins and she needed him to come stay with me for the summer. Of course the big sister in me says “put that boy on a bus, nobody makes my sister cry”. He’s been here a month now and is respectable and got a job immediately. I’ve not had the first sign of “evil” ( as his step dad would call him) He’s thriving and happy. Two weeks after my nephew was placed in my home my even younger sister calls and said she got a call that original said sister needed my niece (the other child from the first marriage) to come stay with her for the summer.

To summarize, my sister has been given an ultimatum by her husband and she clearly made her choice. My youngest sister and I are more than willing to provide healthy and loving homes to our niece and nephew long term but don’t know how to properly go about the process or assistance available.

Points to add: We reside in Tennessee. Drugs are confirmed part of their daily routine. The kids have been taken away from them before. We are also personally conflicted because we have all been so close our whole lives and this may seem like a betrayal vs a reality check for her so tips on how to navigate the conversation are also appreciated. Tia.

What happened after you left foster care? Where did you spend your first night, and were you prepared for it? I'd like to hear your experience and what support, if any, was available to you.