u/sleepyhead1_1

The only one that I'd found online was in Wisconsin but I was hoping to find something closer if possible

The only one that I'd found online was in Wisconsin but I was hoping to find something closer if possible

TW for mention of eating disorders and suicidal thoughts

I'm 17 and have been on T for a little over a year. I've known I'm not cis since I was 13, and came out as trans when I was 14. I still consider myself trans but I feel like I lean more nonbinary than I do man or woman. My gender dysphoria is still pretty bad, specifically my chest and my voice (T gave me a voice drop but I'm still self conscious about how high pitched it is) but over the past year I've realized theres some effects of T make me dysphoric too. Specifically the fat distribution and facial changes I got from T, and just the way it changed the skin on my face. I feel so ugly now, and I dont even pass in public anymore

I stopped putting effort into passing because I don't really have any social dysphoria anymore. I'd say its 50/50 for if I'm percieved as a guy or girl, but I couldn't really care less what gender I'm perceived as. I just want to feel comfortable in my body but that feels so unachievable. I really need top surgery, I don't even want to try to live if I don't get it within the next couple years. But there's some days that I just want to stop testosterone all together. I don't want to be on testosterone for whole nother year. Its part of why I'm in such a rush to get top surgery so I can just get it iver with and move on with my life. At the same time, I would absolutely hate having my period again, and I'd be really sad if I lost my body hair and some of the muscle I've built. Even just the emotional stability that testosterone gave me is so helpful for my mental health. Before I was on testosterone I was extremely depressed and suicidal, and would have panic attacks almost daily and addicted to self harm. Idk if that was just a reflection of my mental state because of how bad my dysphoria was or if stopping testosterone would make it all come back.

Having an eating disorder has added a whole other layer on top of all this. I was really overweight before I started testosterone and have been heavily restricting on and off since I was 15. My hormone doctor doesn't know that I have an eating disorder, but has been concerned about the amount of weight I lost in the past year. He said if I lose any more weight before he sees me again in August, he'll refer me to eating disorder treatment and get evaluated (idek why he did this, I'm still on the heavier side of average and I'm physically healthy). All that being said I don't think my eating disorder is fully to blame for my gender dysphoria. It's something I've felt for a long time and I've learned tell the difference between if its my size I'm uncomfortable with or if its my actual sex characteristics.

I just don't know what to do. No matter what dominant hormone is in my body I'll always be uncomfortable or dysphoric in some way. I don't want to even try to wait things out or watch things get worse. I don't want to see or live in my body if there's nothing I can do to fix it fully. It doesn't feel like mine anyway. Even if I could just have my tits off already I'd feel so much better with myself. This was kind of just a vent post but I really would appreciate some kind of advice. Or at least hear somebody who could relate to a degree. No one irl would really understand where I'm coming from, whether they're trans or cis. It feels like i have to just choose between being alone or being judged, but I figured it couldn't hurt to make a post on here and see what you guys had to say. Thank you for reading if you got to the end

Please help me out i love this song and I want more of it, I tried listening to other circa survive songs but I'm not a huge fan. I just wanna hear something similar to this specific song

Edit: I already know about saosin

Please help me out i love this song and I want more of it, I tried listening to other circa survive songs but I'm not a huge fan. I just wanna hear something similar to this specific song

Edit: I already know about saosin