r/olderlesbians

Very long 20+ year saga here that I should know by now will never be resolved with my wife’s best friend from college. This woman, who truly is an ass, that my wife admits as well as many others, has never liked me or treated me well. She’s a type A, is snarky and unless you’re far up her ass (which I’m not) she looks to diminish you. I realize it’s her own deep insecurity. I don’t care about her psycho stuff, but the real problem is that I struggle with my wife continuing to socialize with her and expects me to do so too. I feel like she just condones this woman’s behavior towards me and expects me to just take it on the chin and be fine with that! Believe me I have tried over the years to let it go, but I’m only human and it’s not easy for me. My wife and I get into fights about it which truly is the only thing we ever fight about. We’ve been together for 24 years and this has been going on for that long. I have also tried having a one on one talk with this woman telling her that she/we don’t have to be best buddies, but I do expect us to be civil and kind. For years it’s the convo I expected my wife to have not me and there in lies the rub. Am I wrong to expect my wife to put me first here? It’s also hard because we have mutual friends that we all socialize on occasion with and who she treats much better. I’ve put up with this for so long and I’m so tired of it. I’ve sincerely tried to just let it go and every time I get to a place where I’m dealing with it, she does or says something unkind or snarky again to me that sets me off. Recently we were playing golf together with her wife. As I picked up my ball after a putt I looked up and saw her roll her eyes at her wife definitely directed at me, after I said ahhh no touch meaning the way I putted. She realized that I caught her eye roll and looked like the cat that swallowed the bird. I let it go, but a few days later my wife said oh I’m gonna go catch up with (insert her name here) and it struck a nerve and we started fighting over it again. I’m truly at my wits end. I’ve never been anything but nice to her. Certainly not super sweet kiss her ass nice, but nice. I don’t believe that my wife has stood up to her enough. She wants me to just let it go. Am I in the wrong here? Should I just suck this up and find a way to not let this bother me and if how do I do that?!?! Thanks in advance for any advice, thoughts and honesty etc.

Am I insane or is this slightly concerning 😭
My avoidant/depressed ex broke up with me recently (it was messy and rough) and after barely talking for a week invited me on a spontaneous 2-day cabin trip alone together to “have one last calm/happy memory” and talk everything through.

Part of me thinks this is just two emotionally attached people processing a breakup. Another part of me is like… why are we going alone to a secluded cabin immediately after a messy break up LMAO.

Would you see this as:
normal emotional/grief behavior
emotionally messy but harmless
or genuinely kinda sus 😭

Hi I am interested in hearing your experiences of a ten year or so age gap where one is 40ish and the other is 50ish-I feel like it shouldn't matter so much and there can be some frames of reference but I have not done it before and think expanding my age range will be helpful in finding a compatible match

Late bloomer here, married to a dude for way too long. Fell in love with my catalyst and we were together 8 years, separated last fall. My therapist says it’s time for me to get in the dating apps. But I’ve never done the apps and I haven’t been on a real date since my 20s. (Cue overthinking)

Teach me what you wish you had known when you first set up a profile. What are the red flags? What do you look for? Is there something that makes you immediately swipe yes or no?

I’ve heard the pics are where you can really mess up. Do I include other people in the pics so I don’t look like a recluse? Or is that bad?

Is there a ratio of selfies to more formal pics? Is it bad if I include a professional headshot or two? (They’re the ones I like the most with my newest hair vibe)

Last question. I travel a lot for work. Is it weird to change your city and find someone new to have dinner with, even if you don’t live there?

Are there ways I can screw this up unknowingly? Or do I don the confidence of a mediocre white man and just throw it all out there?

(I am a fly fisher actually and I have some fabulous photos of me holding huge fish. My brain really wants to use one, just for the irony factor but I know that humor doesn’t translate well online.)

I recently posted on a fb lesbian group where I said I was looking for friends. I described my hobbies and what city I lived in. I had a few women message me. One of these women has asked me to see a movie with her on Friday.

I’m not sure if she sees this as a date or as friends.

Any thoughts?

So I haven't been with someone in a while and I'm actually fine with it. For the most part, I have a very rewarding life. Great career, good friends, stability.......

But I do find that I sometimes miss the passion of my youth. Let me explain, because I'm curious if you all are share a similar experience.

When I was younger, I felt my relationships were more enthusiastic and passionate. Like my girlfriends were so eager to give of themselves, explore the world with me, take risks to be with each other. I could really feel the intensity and interest from my partners. I'm ok now with just being with myself because lately relationships have been pretty jaded and energy draining. Everything seems like a conversation and a compromise. For example, even going to dinner is an ordeal, dietary restrictions and all. I have some women who don't even want to date if it's more than a 30 min drive. Of course, sitting here and writing it out ... It seems obvious....as we grow, we know ourselves more and settle less...

But I miss the whole novelty of falling into a person and actually dreaming of growing old together.

But I'm old now ....

And what it looks like is bedtime at 10, managing spoons, taking probiotics, and accepting that life may actually be more peaceful and less painful solo.

That I could order a GF like a pizza.

Like: I would like a femme, preferably between 5’1” and 5’5”. Must like rock musicians, true crime and sci fi.

That I could order a GF like a pizza.

Iniciei num novo emprego em outubro do ano passado e, devido a experiências passadas, tinha decidido me fechar mais em relação a tudo, inclusive sobre minha sexualidade. Não me arrependo pois percebi que o ambiente aqui é extremamente conservador, bolsonarista, preconceituoso, enfim. Não tenho amigos, ainda, mas gosto da convivência dentro da minha sala (trabalho no setor financeiro), com meus 3 colegas (meu chefe, o rapaz da cobrança e a outra moça que divide as funções comigo (na real, cuidamos de CNPJs diferentes). Enfim, mas o ponto onde quero chegar é: essa minha colega, desde o primeiro dia, demonstra ser um tanto quanto instável em relação a humor, porém é bastante educada, nunca tive problemas com ela. Só que tem épocas que ela conversa pra caramba (me faz perguntas pessoais, puxa assunto...) e épocas em que ela é capaz de passar até 3, 4 dias sem trocar uma palavra comigo. Logo no começo, percebi que temos muito em comum. Adoramos ler, inclusive quando entrei descobri que ela também estava lendo um livro que eu tinha acabado de finalizar. Adoramos psicanálise, de vez em quando trocamos sobre. Existe muito potencial pra uma amizade, mas ela simplesmente parecia não querer. Eu super sei lidar com isso, tanto que eu dançava conforme a música. Quando ela estava na dela, eu ficava na minha. Quando ela falava pelos cotovelos, eu tentava acompanhar... ah, detalhe importante: como eu não queria me abrir e ela ficava (às vezes) fazendo perguntas pessoais, eu tive receio que ela me perguntasse algo que me deixasse numa saia justa. Então, aproveitei um momento em que ela disse que adoraria ter um blog, que acha super legal, pra dizer que eu tinha um e passar o endereço pra ela. Mesmo sabendo que ela leria sobre minha sexualidade. Era uma sexta-feira. Na segunda, ela parecia normal e até comentou de um texto que ela tinha gostado mais (justamente um onde eu digo que me descobri lésbica aos 15 anos...). Bom, tudo seguia daquela modo, épocas de bastante conversa, épocas de silêncio total. Mas nunca me pediu o Instagram. Algumas vezes comentou que demora pra fazer amizade, que separa trabalho de vida pessoal e achei que isso explicava o comportamento dela comigo. Repito: pra mim, super tranquilo. Já tenho muitos amigos e separar as coisas nesse novo emprego me parece até algo bom, que desejo neste momento (em virtude das últimas experiências que tive, que não vem ao caso agora). Mas há uma semana, na sexta-feira retrasada, tivemos um dia incrível,né grande conexão. Aproveitei que estávamos só nós duas e compartilhei sobre meu TDAH (que ela certamente já tinha lido no blog) e sobre minha orientação sexual (idem). Ela não só foi super aberta, como conversamos o dia inteiro num clima de grande entrosamento e diversão. Fomos pra casa, enviei uma foto do meu pai que tinha prometido por conta de uma de nossas conversas. Enfim, parecia que finalmente passaríamos de apenas colegas pra amigas. Mas ela mudou novamente. Se fechou, parou de responder minhas mensagens no whatsapp, não está mais fazendo suas costumeiras perguntas pessoais. Só pra situar vocês na linha do tempo: ela leu meu blog ano passado e o comportamento dela não mudou. Mas parece ter mudado da semana passada pra cá, após eu ter verbalizado sobre minha sexualidade. Será que é preconceito velado? Uma dificuldade de lidar com um mundo que ela não compreende? Será que ela confundiu minha aproximação com um "dar em cima"? Isso em momento algum passou pela minha cabeça. Aliás, eu tenho um relacionamento de quase 10 anos. Mas sabe Deus, né? Queria entender, mas não me sinto à vontade para perguntar, até porque nem teria como, pois não me abro quando tem outras pessoas por perto (e é bem raro estarmos só nós duas na sala). Enfim. Eu realmente gostaria de saber a opinião de quem está de fora. Mas às vezes fico na dúvida se é preconceito, instabilidade de humor dela, loucura da minha cabeça... Se alguém já vivenciou algo parecido ou simplesmente quiser opinar, ficarei grata.

My last post this week was about my fiance going through menopause and questioning her sexuality. Well I guess she is no longer questioning I guess she decided she isn't sure she wants to be with a woman for the rest of her life so she said to me. Needless to say we are splitting up. We were together for 2 years and I guess I just don't understand any of this. We had all the keys to a healthy relationship and I just didn't see this coming.

I guess I should've known going into the relationship that she had never been in a relationship with a woman. She has been with women in the past but not a relationship. I'm not sure I have a question or if I am venting but I am just devasted.

Long time lurker, first time poster and just needed a space to vent to others who may understand what I'm about to post. I (43F) divorced from my ex (38F) a year ago after being together for 15 years. We split a year prior to the divorce, and it was amicable and we are still good friends so it's all very civil (we never really fought, and I've always wondered if that was part of our problem!). I hate admitting it, but we'd been living as roommates for a long time prior to the breakup, so it wasn't like much changed for us in the end. I've been pretty heartbroken. And it's stupid really - I wasn't happy all of the time, but I just feel so empty inside (I am in therapy lol).

Getting to the point of this post - Even though we parted on good terms and still in each other's lives, we purposely don't have each other as friends on FB. So, imagine my surprise as I'm scrolling through FB tonight and a friend suggestion pops up for some random guy who has a profile pic of himself with his arms all around her! I didn't know what to think other than wanting to text her to ask her about it but didn't think she'd appreciate a text at 2am lol and it's not that I'm angry or even jealous.... okay, maybe a little mad? I've never known her to be bi - and it's not that I care if she is. But I spent the last 7 or 8 years of my life struggling to make things work. Battling with low self-esteem because my wife didn't want to be intimate, or when she would initiate, it felt more obligatory than anything. And after having breast cancer and a double mastectomy, I was even more self-conscious about my scars. For anyone still reading this and been through having a partner that shuts down on you when it comes to physical touch, it really F's with your head. I own that I was not strong enough to walk away sooner than I did and that my self-esteem issues are my problem to bear, so this is not all on her. And I do want her to be happy in life, but if she'd been questioning her sexuality all that time and never said anything, that's what has me twisted inside. For years she'd get on me for not talking about my feelings or deeper thoughts enough; that I was hiding things. and part of me always felt like she was projecting her own stuff onto me - and now I can't help but feel like maybe I was right all along. And yes - it was a single profile pic on FB that I am basing all of this on, but it was a pretty intimate photo and she looked very cozy. I did remove him as a friend suggestion, so I didn't have to see it again lol!

TLDR: Stumbled across a friend suggestion on FB for a guy that I don't know, who's profile pic is of him with his arms around my ex that I was with for 15 years. My marriage ended amicably and we are still friends but never knew my ex to be into men and they looked very cozy together. Looking for others that have been in similar situations that can relate and talk about your experiences and how you handled it? Or how you felt about it? I know I will end up asking her about the picture because I'm curious by nature lol

I am a hopeless romantic. I still believe I might meet my soulmate out and about...maybe at a social event, a pub, or even the supermarket.🛒

The problem is, when I actually have the chance to talk to a woman, my brain just resets to factory settings. Factory settings usually means "computer says NO".

At a bakery once, I shit you not, I smiled at a woman and she at me, and in what I thought was a very cool way... I asked "do you like bread?" while she was holding a baguette. 🥖🤦‍♀️

I say the most random shite like "it's raining" when we are both standing in it getting soaked. Then, once I've clearly lost the plot from sheer embarrassment, I scurry off like a frightened "squirrel"🐿️ because what else is she going to say besides "yes I like bread" and "yeah it’s raining". Usually, she just looks at me like "are you okay?" or worse, she's the one that scurries off probably out of fear of me saying some more random rubbish!

I haven't had a proper conversation with a woman out in the wild since 2017! 😫 At this point, I believe my soulmate has probably adopted a dog or a gerbil, moved to an even colder country, and given up on us ever meeting. (Sorry Soulmate!! I'm trying...echo echo)

Any other 52 year old UK squirrels meandering through supermarkets or hiding in bushes or wherever you're having these awkward conversations?

Let’s share the most awkward things we’ve said out in the wild, ladies!!! 😄Or am I actually the only one that says things like "oooh look, pickled eggs"?🥚🤦‍♀️🐿️

Hi everyone, I lost my wife almost 5 years ago. She passed away after a surgery. We had talked about this situation all 18 years of our marriage, that if one of us goes the other has so much more to give to someone new and we should keep on showing the love ❤️ and living life. I have tried to get Women to talk to me, but it’s like I’m not saying the right thing to get anyone to talk to me and get to know me. I have never in my whole life had problems getting a date or a relationship but time has changed. Please help me understand what Lesbians are looking for nowadays and please not just to hookup. I’m a Fun Loving 🥰 Gentle Patient Stem Woman and need advice and new Friends.

Hello I’m 44 and I’ve been openly and proudly out for 30 years. Two years again my fiance pursued me and we fell in love. My fiance is 45 and although she has been with women not ever a committed relationship such as ours. She is the type that doesn’t care what people think and has never seemed like she was concerned about being gay. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago where she said she is having a hard time because she keeps wondering if she really is gay. Side note she has been having a hard time with menopause and keeps saying she doesn’t feel like herself and she is so numb feeling and depressed.
She says she loves me so much and she isnt sure what’s happening.

I guess my question is this situation kind of normal with everything that goes on with life and hormones. We are currently slowing things down so she can figure out what’s going on but I just feel like I don’t know if it’s menopause or just deciding she doesn’t want to be with a woman. Our sex life has never been an issue or anything like that so I don’t know I’m just confused.

Any feedback welcome

Has anyone ever grieved the end of the honeymoon phase in a long-term relationship, but eventually fallen into a calmer/more secure kind of love afterward?

For context, for about the first year and a half things between me and my girlfriend felt almost effortless. We barely fought, we were extremely close, super affectionate, constantly wanting to be around each other, etc. But eventually conflict slowly started building up. A lot of it came down to communication differences. I became more anxious/reassurance-seeking, she became more withdrawn/avoidant when overwhelmed, and we ended up in a cycle of back-to-back arguments for months.

We’ve honestly gotten past the worst of that phase now and communicate a lot better than before, but the relationship still feels… different? Less emotionally “untouched” I guess. There’s still love, affection, quality time, but it doesn’t feel as emotionally effortless or intensely reassuring as it used to.

Part of the strain also affected intimacy. She’s told me she struggled feeling emotionally disconnected after all the conflict, and at the same time she’s also been dealing with body image/self-esteem issues after gaining weight during the relationship, which affected her comfort with physical intimacy too.

I guess I’m struggling to tell the difference between:
- normal transition out of honeymoon phase into a more realistic/secure kind of love
vs
- unresolved strain that just needs more time and healing.

Would really appreciate hearing from people who have been through something similar.

I just need to talk and feel that magnetic energy ( I'm 30 BTW)

Greetings

I'm seeking the advice and wisdom of older women out there, best some that already made similar experiences.

My wife (41) has hormon problems, some perimenopause stuff I think. It started last year and it feels like walking on eggs sometimes. Small things can drive her mad really fast now and she shuts down. She's very emotional, much more so than before.

She gets irritated easily and can come across as very cold at times. That's okay, I don't take it personally, that's the hormones. She get's treatment now but doesn't seem to work yet. Maybe it takes some time, that's what doctors said, hormone things take quite some time.

She is very tired the whole time due to lack of sleep. I have a lot more to take care of than I used to, especially around the house. I work full time, between 42 - 45 hours a week. she works part time and took more around the house but not now. In the past it was easier.

Sometimes in the moment i feel more like a nurse than her wife and I feel guilty for thinking that. I should take care of her, I mean it's not an issue of love. But right now, it feels little bit overwhelming.

I take care of the animals, take care of the house, I cook, laundry, lawn mowing and garden maintenance. All stuff that we shared in the past but now she cannot do because of this illness and I understand that she can't.

I help where I can, I mean she is my wife and I love her. Why I am so weak? Now she needs me but I feel more powerless and more tired every day. I think I need to offer more support somehow

When does it stop to be that way? I hope those hormone problems will not stay that way..

What can I do now? any advice?