u/-inf3rna

I’m tracking events of my saturn return (4th house in placidus) and as days go by i feel more like that kid again.

I relive same things, same conversations are led, i’m in a similar position. I’m again exposed to my problematic father.

So i wonder what is the point of being put again in the most painful experience that followed you all your life, what is there to learn exactly? At this point it all seems like some cruel joke.

I had couple of situations where i started texting with someone, and then that turned out to be weeks or even months of constant every day back and forth.

The thing is, i enjoy being social for some time, but then i want to do my own thing and i’m not really in the mood for other people. In my world, exchanging texts for some time but then not hearing from people for some time is normal and desireable. BUT, for others it seems like it creates expectation to just continue forever.

Which my natural energy just isn’t made for. It fluctuates.

And then i get really annoyed by the whole thing because announcement of a break in texting feels almost formal for what it really is, which is just being away doing my own thing, and too serious because in a 2 days i might send you a meme or something.

It seems that, with many people i end up conversing with, their assumption is continuation while for me it isn’t. But it feels like i have to pick a side because it feels lame to “announce a break” then say hi again couple of days later. So i either have to pick to not enagage at all or get to this outcome.

In other areas i’m the same as well, we can have a great time but then i’m gonna be off for some time and we’ll just meet and pick up where we left it like we didn’t even separate.

Mind you, this is about the people that are mainly internet acquaintances.

I’m definitely late at fully realizing i don’t have to hold a role they assigned to me as a child. I always knew and felt my family is fucked, it’s just that in the last 2 years i finally started “growing up” and realizing how dysfunctional it really is.

And that is because i had to move back in at 28 and was forced to see the situation with my adult brain. And then i realized (and it’s sad) that up until that age i lived and related to myself and other people like i was still a child trapped in that situation.

I started setting boundaries and it’s not going easy. To provide a bit of context:

My father was always demanding, controlling, entitled, while my mom just appeased him so he wouldn’t yell and create chaos. I spent my whole jumping at his every demand, serving him, being there to absorb his anger and absolutely neglected in every way a developing person needs. And now i see my mom played part in “pimping me out” to him, because she is “sick of fighting”. Fighting that, mind you, happened anyway because he is a person incapable of internal peace.

Let’s just say it was burdened and sad life. And now, after years of built up resentment and sorrow came out, and i felt so desperate to stand up for myself, it feels like hell. I feel like I don’t have the right to free myself form this burden (i know i do it’s just conditioning) because I’m unemployed, although i only occasionally take money from my mom, not him, and she pays all the bills and most of the food.

I had couple of confrontations with him since i got back here, and it felt like i was committing the biggest crime ever, because of the amount of fear i had to face to finally speak up to him. I heard various vile things from him (he has a habit of saying shit), using my life situation against me, him pressuring me into unreasonable jobs, not for my own good but to extract money from me (he did that when i was a child as well) to invest into a house he is responsible for renovating, telling me he can pay his own rent but i’m fucked (meaning you are on your own, and it was like that since i was a child), mocking me for moving away and not having a drivers license now that i’m in trouble (and i moved away to run away from this hell and he never provided anything for me).

As if i didn’t have enough evidence already, these things made me finally break and stop being complicit in my own life force and labor extraction. I realized it was never my job to be my dad’s caretaker, cook, emotional punching bag, piggy bank, and that i didn’t agree to the life and role my mom agreed to play with him. I finally see some progress because they left me alone, and now they offloaded parts of it on my sister (which is sad). And i see how ridiculous all this is. It’s insane.

I also realized i occupied the same role in my relationships, of the one who doesn’t ask and need, and if she does she feels guilty and ungrateful, but carries the weight of the world on her shoulders. Yet she is the one who isn’t enough, she is the one who maintains both sides of the relationship. She loses all agency. She feels like a mother, a child and wife at the same time. Her life stalls and she is just a supporting role, not an equal. She is a perfect little worker that holds everything together and is slaving her life away.

I’m definitely late at fully realizing i don’t have to hold a role they assigned to me as a child. I always knew and felt my family is fucked, it’s just that in the last 2 years i finally started “growing up” and realizing how dysfunctional it really is.

And that is because i had to move back in at 28 and was forced to see the situation with my adult brain. And then i realized (and it’s sad) that up until that age i lived and related to myself and other people like i was still a child trapped in that situation.

I started setting boundaries and it’s not going easy. To provide a bit of context:

My father was always demanding, controlling, entitled, while my mom just appeased him so he wouldn’t yell and create chaos. I spent my whole jumping at his every demand, serving him, being there to absorb his anger and absolutely neglected in every way a developing person needs. And now i see my mom played part in “pimping me out” to him, because she is “sick of fighting”. Fighting that, mind you, happened anyway because he is a person incapable of internal peace.

Let’s just say it was burdened and sad life. And now, after years of built up resentment and sorrow came out, and i felt so desperate to stand up for myself, it feels like hell. I feel like I don’t have the right to free myself form this burden (i know i do it’s just conditioning) because I’m unemployed, although i only occasionally take money from my mom, not him, and she pays all the bills and most of the food.

I had couple of confrontations with him since i got back here, and it felt like i was committing the biggest crime ever, because of the amount of fear i had to face to finally speak up to him. I heard various vile things from him (he has a habit of saying shit), using my life situation against me, him pressuring me into unreasonable jobs, not for my own good but to extract money from me (he did that when i was a child as well) to invest into a house he is responsible for renovating, telling me he can pay his own rent but i’m fucked (meaning you are on your own, and it was like that since i was a child), mocking me for moving away and not having a drivers license now that i’m in trouble (and i moved away to run away from this hell and he never provided anything for me).

As if i didn’t have enough evidence already, these things made me finally break and stop being complicit in my own life force and labor extraction. I realized it was never my job to be my dad’s caretaker, cook, emotional punching bag, piggy bank, and that i didn’t agree to the life and role my mom agreed to play with him. I finally see some progress because they left me alone, and now they offloaded parts of it on my sister (which is sad). And i see how ridiculous all this is. It’s insane.

I also realized i occupied the same role in my relationships, of the one who doesn’t ask and need, and if she does she feels guilty and ungrateful, but carries the weight of the world on her shoulders. Yet she is the one who isn’t enough, she is the one who maintains both sides of the relationship. She loses all agency. She feels like a mother, a child and wife at the same time. Her life stalls and she is just a supporting role, not an equal. She is a perfect little worker that holds everything together and is slaving her life away.

I PUT THIS FLAIR BECAUSE I’M NOT ALLOWED TO USE THE RELATIONSHIPS ONE BUT I’M 30 YEARS OLD AND DIDN’T WANNA CHANGE USER FLAIR SO I DON’T GET BANNED.

I dated throughout my 20s, and had various experiences. Some were better some were worse, i choose some guys who didn’t fully choose me, and sometimes i wasn’t really choosing them.

And on my own i like myself, i feel like i have more good qualities than bad. But in the context of romance, i just stopped believing who i am is who a man is able and willing to accept. Based mainly on standards i see they have.

I have more sexual partners than they would like (around 15 but maybe more) and I’m 30 this year. That number doesn’t bother me on its own, it’s like whatever. I’d rather i didn’t have some experiences more because of a state I was in when i chose it and how misaligned those people are with me than concern with number.

I had problematic home life so i wasted the beginning of my 20s on being wounded than building my life. I don’t have higher education, career, a car, a house. Also don’t have many friends, real ones. I’m in a space where I’m finally stable and can plan and act on those things and I will because i care about myself , but I don’t feel like i have much that any man would like.

And i’m okay with that, i had enough experiences with them that made me less crazy about the whole thing. I feel like i’ve seen it all, except maybe being treated right. I actually feel more empowered because I stopped wanting that kind of validation, i feel like I’ve ended some chapter.

I’m still surprised with feeling like this, but it doesn’t feel bad at all.