u/7rosesfrommyheart

Just wanted to know if anyone has experienced anything similar. I also used to hallucinate during sex. I’d hallucinate being in China or an empty neon lit bar

To keep it short and sweet, I just turned 21 in May and he turns 21 in a couple of days. I’m from New York and he moved here last February. We met in May of last year off Tinder. Around the time I was feeling great about myself, my mental health was great. I was ready to start dating again because my last relationship was in 2021 when I was 16, and I just came back from my sophomore year of college.

We started off as a casual hookup friends with benefits type situation, I came over his house a lot mostly at night after his late restaurant shifts and I would usually stay the night.

Throughout the summer, we started to go on more dates and get out of the house and go out during the day on his off days. He then asked me to be his girlfriend in September before he went away to Japan for a month. When he came back, October, November, and December were great months.

Except for the fact that he left his job in July and hadn’t found a job since. He does have a lot of friends and a lot of connections so his friend was able to get him a job at this popular streetwear store in Manhattan. When he got that job in January, everything went downhill.

You guys can go back in my posts if you’d like because I probably mentioned this somewhere, but I started to go stir crazy from January to April when we broke up. I thought that I thought it was BPD relationship OCD anxious attachment, you name it. But I was really just reacting to his inconsistencies. He told me that it was all “burnout” from work, but he also saw how distressed I was from questioning him and how he feels about our relationship. After all the reassurance he gave me I still felt that something was wrong at the end of the day.

I couldn’t shake this gut feeling I had so one day when he went to work I looked through his texts on his laptop. He was a completely different person in that phone (acting single, talking about me weirdly with his friends) — someone I’ve never met before. I was shaking and shattered to my core. I confronted him about everything the next day and after screaming at him for about 20 minutes, he finally confessed to me that he “lost” his love for me. I was so shaken because I truly didn’t know what to say. I then finally asked when he was planning on telling me that and he told me one of the MANY times I cried to him (but he could never bring himself to do it).

I still haven’t mentally or emotionally recovered from this. He was a completely different person when we were breaking up…he didn’t give me an ounce of emotion or affection and it’s like a switch flipped in him overnight. He was so cold and I’ll never forget that. We haven’t spoken since we broke up. I just can’t process the fact that what we had was so comfortable and beautiful, but he was too much of a lustful young coward to acknowledge his own feelings and
thoughts.

We never had a productive serious conversation. I would always speak my mind and he’d always say “I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know.” His friends were poisoning his mind BUT he cared a lot about how they perceived him. But at the same time, I could tell that his friends didn’t really care for him. They’re only good for going out to the bars, drinking and getting fucked up.

I just don’t know what to say or do anymore. I feel so manic and I feel like my mental health is only getting worse. I can’t recognize myself. My dissociation and derealization have been the worst they’ve ever been. I feel like a shell of human being. I have lost a lot of my confidence and my performance at work is horrible.

If anyone has some advice or similar stories, I’d greatly appreciate it. I appreciate you so much for reading all of this. Even if you only read a little bit, I still appreciate it and would love to hear whatever you have to say.

I don’t even think I want him to even reach out again because I mostly feel anger toward him and just disgust.

My avoidant was lustful af. We had sex very frequently until we broke up, BUT I did start to feel like he really didn’t want to.

It’s funny that we started off as FWB for about 4 months until he asked me to be his girlfriend. At first he had ED and I got super insecure, I couldn’t understand why he kept asking me to come over if he wasn’t attracted to me. I brought it up with him a lot and he said it was just “performance anxiety”. I believed him and took it slow with him.

I later found out it was from drugs, or at least that’s what he told his friend over text message. When his performance got better, his ED then turned into PE. I got frustrated again.

As he slowly stopped doing drugs as often, this problem went away. We were able to have sex multiple times in the day after all that (he NEVER told me about his drug usage but I knew all about his alcohol abuse).

So yeah our relationship was 95% sex LOL, it was mostly just lust. I thought about testing him a few times, saying I just wanted to take a break from sex to see if he’d treat me the same but I never did.

Closer to the end of our relationship we still regularly had sex but it felt way less passionate. It felt like we were just casually hooking up as strangers. He stopped looking me in the eyes, and his PE came back. So painful.

It’s only been two months but I feel like my brain chemistry has changed. I don’t feel the same. It’s like I have some sort of brain damage.

I don't want to think too much about this because I have been seeing his profile pop up in my suggested on instagram quite frequently (not sure what that means if anything because Ive never visited his profile before). I've never met this person, but he's friends with my ex. My account is public and I have pictures of my face up but no name. Maybe he was just curious because he may be seeing my profile on his suggested as well? Or maybe my ex was talking to him about me?? So weird...today is actually our two month anniversary of breaking up lol.

He KNEW I had bad anxiety WAY before HE asked me to be his girlfriend, but he still decided to put in effort and court me for months.

When my mental health was way better than ever before, he started to become super inconsistent, saying it was just "burnout" from work (retail). That sent me into the biggest spiral of my life, bringing all my "issues" back to life. He turned me into a fucking monster from the month and a half of psychological torture, and he most definitely used that as a pass to say "bro she was just so crazy/she drained me" to his friends or family or coworkers or anyone who asked. SO FUCKED UP.

I don't know if my ex can even produce stimulating thoughts. I feel like it's super empty up there. My fault for dating him of course but, you'd just think he could come up with something better than "im not able to give you what you need". Bye.

A few weeks before we broke up I was subconsciously processing all these emotions, reacting to his inconsistency. I thought I was having a relationship OCD episode, or it was just anxious attachment. I had never felt this way in our relationship before though.

I was a nervous wreck, was getting horrible sleep or I couldn't fall asleep, sometimes I stood up for days. I couldn't sleep next to him either when id spend the night. I had looming anxiety 24/7. I started to become irritated/bitchy around him, but I didn't even know why I was doing that.

I finally couldn't take it anymore and I confessed all of my thoughts to him, all of the doubts about our relationship. I have probably sobbed to him 2-3 times over the course of a month and a half, asking "do you still want to be with me", "do you still find me attractive", "are you cheating on me", etc. He'd say he wanted to still be with me, and being in a relationship means working through your problems together. He'd reassure me he wasn't cheating. I would feel better after these conversations but only temporarily.

I had a horrible gut feeling that something wasn't right still. Even after all the reassurance in the world, I still felt off in the relationship. He'd tell me he was just "burnt out" from work, and I believed him for a bit.

I finally couldn't take it anymore and looked through his messages. Of course he was a completely different person in his phone. Acting single, talking about other girls, etc. My heart shattered. I confronted him about everything the next day and after screaming at him for 20 mins the only thing he could say was "I just lost my love for you". I asked him when he was planning on telling me this, and he told me one of the (many) times I had those serious conversations with him about our relationship that left me in tears.

The psychological torture he put me through for that month and a half...I still haven't scratched the surface of recovery (happened in late April of this year).

Ive been experiencing super “blacked out” derealization where im so numb to reality i have no idea how to explain this. I feel like im experiencing the most extreme DPDR one could possibly experience. I dont feel alive at all and i cant process reality

I remember being very irritable/bitchy and ignoring my avoidant but I couldn’t exactly put my finger on why I was feeling/acting that way.

Basically the title, I’m doing stuff like working retail but I just don’t feel 100% “there”. It’s like I slip into this world where my mind turns off and I’m just going through the motions.

Being in this state is genuinely torturous, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It’s that kind of DPDR state where you just don’t feel alive anymore. My DPDR definitely comes in waves and I hate when I’m in the thick of it again.

Thinking about it only makes it worse

Hey guys I’m friendless and drainers are the only people I can get along with so can we please be friends. Thank u