u/A-Spec_with_Anxiety

They're scheduled and it's happening, I know it's for the best, but I still can't help but be scared that something will go wrong. I know that the surgery survival rate for spays and neuters are very high, it's pretty unlikely for them to die from it, I just am terrified of that tiny fraction of a percent possibility.

We're going through a low-cost spay&neuter clinic for ~$150 each, and I'm hoping that it'll be equally good quality of care that they would've gotten at their regular vet for ~$600 each. I just don't have $1800 for my kitten and my dad's cat to get spayed and my sister's kitten to get neutered.

(I only make about $800/month from my job after taxes and deductions because I'm chronically ill and can only work part-time, but I couldn't get disability income. I pay $200 to rent my room, and buy all my own groceries and toiletries for myself except for occasionally some from food pantries, and all the pet supplies and vet care for all the animals in the house and any prescription co-pays for my own medications, and I ride my bike to work most of the year and walk or pay for gas for my parents' cars if they drive me in the winter. Basically, I'm as financially independent as I can be and my parents give me no money, but I can't afford housing elsewhere because it's usually $1100-1600+/month at the cheapest, often in the $2000s.)

I guess we could probably have only gotten the boy fixed. They're all indoor cats. But even if the girls don't go outside to find boyfriend cats and get pregnant, removing those parts does mean they can't get cancer there. Which could especially be a concern for the older cat soon. And the clinic is willing to spay her too, even at her ~10 years old age, they'll do bloodwork for her before surgery to make extra sure it's safe. The kittens will be 6 months old which is when their regular vet recommended doing it and they're fully vaccinated and seem healthy and aren't expected to have any problems whatsoever.

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that they'll be okay and that I am doing the right thing. I love them and I don't want anything to happen to them.

The adult cat should've gotten vet care way earlier than she is but at least I'm getting her in for it now. Spayed at 9 years old is better than never, right? I was a kid when we got her and it wasn't up to me then but now that I can pay for it, I'm allowed to if I want to so I am. She'll also be getting her rabies vaccine and the two FVRCP as soon as possible as well. And ever since I got a job I've also been getting her a bit better-quality food (Purina One) than my parents did (Meow Mix/Friskies/cat chow).

The two kittens my sister and I got at nine weeks old from my coworker, whose cat also wasn't spayed and got outside and got pregnant, are now four months old and up to date on their vaccines as of this week. They're separated from each other for the time being since the girl kitten seems to have started her first heat already so we're keeping her brother apart from both her and the adult cat until after their surgeries.

I do have to do it through a low-cost spay&neuter clinic instead of their regular vet because they were going to cost ~$500-600 per cat which I unfortunately don't have. It's $110 for a male cat and $130 each for female cats this way, plus $20 per microchip. $430 total is much more affordable than $1500-1800.

But they're officially scheduled and deposits paid. October 15th.

(I'll also maybe try to recommend to my coworker that he might want to consider getting his cat spayed here too. $600 is kind of a lot. $130 isn't bad. And it is usually better for their health for them to be fixed. But maybe it's not my place to suggest?)

My cheap electric tricycle died after I put almost 500 miles on it less than a year and I didn't want to deal with the issues of motors and batteries failing again in another year if I got a new one with no bike shops in the whole state willing to look at or repair e-trikes (not just the electrical components either, I had to replace my brakes myself because none would even help me with that) and adult tricycles are also super heavy, like 60-80lbs, and I wouldn't be able to get a manual one up the hills without pedal assist due to the weight. So, I got a 25lb folding bike with two wheels. I have terrible balance and coordination and was really wobbly and kept falling over at first. I couldn't get more than a couple pedals before I'd tip again.

I got some elbow pads, knee pads, and gloves, in addition to the helmet. Suddenly I was staying upright just fine. So much of my struggle was my anxiety, not as much my actual motor skills. I'd ridden two-wheel bicycles before as a kid with some difficulty but it'd been years and took a while to get used to it again. Once I was able to feel safer with the gear, and not worry quite as much about getting hurt, balancing was a lot easier.

It turns out I relied on the pedal assist more than I realized though, because despite this being way lighter, it is more physical effort. I'll get in better shape though probably in a few weeks and maybe eventually will be able to take off some of the protective equipment that isn't really super necessary for road cycling on back roads with no traffic. But it's also way more portable and can fit inside my parents' cars if I want them to drive me home after work sometimes, whereas tricycles need a special rack or a truck.

I'm really looking forward to having some independence back. It's four miles into town which is a pretty long walk but very doable with a bike. I didn't like depending on others for transportation to work and to go to the library and stuff.

My closest friend at this point in my life is a straight cis man, so I'm thinking he probably doesn't really want pretty jewelry, but I did also get some wooden beads and I think maybe I'll wood burn on them and make him a keychain with some symbols from his favorite books. Which he could just put on his backpack or leave in a drawer somewhere or whatever, he wouldn't have to wear it or carry it around in his pocket or anything if he didn't want to. I would hope he'd like it but at least that's something that it wouldn't be too strange if I didn't see it again so there's no pressure just because it was given to him, unlike whereas if it was intended to be worn.

But I'll definitely make some pride flag themed bracelets for myself with the colorful glass beads. And stuff for my sisters in their favorite colors, and potentially look into setting up a table next year at pride to sell/give away more.

I just missed making stupid little gifts for people I care about. I used to make rubber band bracelets in elementary school. Painted rocks. Stuff like that. I'm not very good at expressing love, I guess.

I think that's a way I can do it that's least likely to bother anyone or make them uncomfortable. Not everyone likes hugs and physical contact, and trying to communicate it verbally is often misunderstood/interpreted incorrectly. And the older I've gotten the harder it's been to tell friends I love them because it's no longer known that it's meant as platonic by default because we're kids, since past a certain age there's then different types of love and I don't want things to be weird. It's all extra confusing being neurodivergent and a-spec, still trying to learn how to do any social interactions in general and how friendships with men even work.

https://preview.redd.it/tda9kjx6g63h1.png?width=1920&format=png&auto=webp&s=978584ab38fb8b432767981d03bd2a75feb89dec

I watch everything with captions if they're available. It helps me to follow along and process and understand what's being said a little better. The language for this video's auto-generated captions for some reason was detected to be Romanian but I have no idea why because the audio is actually in English.

I struggle with keeping up with in-person conversations as well. Reading and writing has always been easier for me than listening and speaking. It might be part of my neurodivergence.

I'm a cashier at a grocery store. My favorite coworker/friend(?) went to a different checkout at the end of his shift instead of coming to mine. And my brain is like "oh no, he hates me now; what did I do wrong?" and I was seriously ready to cry. When I know it probably wasn't really a personal rejection, I just already had a customer and there was simply no one in line at that one.

I think because he's made me feel safe, that's especially meaningful to me, and I'm scared of losing it, so I'm super sensitive. But I also think I'm probably less important to him than he is to me. He's kind to me, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't think about me much when I'm not around. But I do, and he's been showing up in my nightmares and helping stabilizing them into calmer dreams.

I hate too though that it's hard to talk to him because it's a struggle for me to speak at all, and I avoid eye contact and probably seem like I'm ignoring people but I'm just scared. And the more an interaction matters, the more difficult it is. I can usually do the basic conversations with customers because I don't really care as much, but someone I actually want to be friends with, suddenly it's impossible to make my voice cooperate and no words come out. I've messaged him a little bit before about books and pets and that went better than trying to talk in person but I don't want to bother him or be annoying or anything.

I've thought I was aroace for a very long time. However, recently I've started to wonder if I just never felt safe enough to consider being intimate with someone. And now that I'm really starting to trust this person, there's maybe some curiosity around the idea of more.

But I don't know if that's actually romantic/sexual attraction, because it's not necessarily a desire for it, but I think I'd be open to something if he wanted it. But I'm also perfectly content with everything staying platonic. I wouldn't be heartbroken if he wasn't interested in me like that. It could be nice for deeper connection, to express affection through physical contact, and I can understand now why people might want that, but emotional closeness is more important, and unreciprocated advances might mess that up. I wouldn't want to make stuff uncomfortable/awkward, and I don't need things to be different. Except hugs, maybe. I'd like for us to hug. And I kind of want to wear his hoodies. But that's not specifically romantic, I don't think. It's more like sensory attraction? Some touch, gentle pressure, soft fabric, warmth, and comforting scent.

I guess that might mean maybe I'm still aroace? Just no longer fully sex-repulsed, more sex-neutral/sex-positive if it's someone I feel very safe with. Maybe that's demi- or cupio- or reciproromantic, maybe it's queerplatonic or alterous attraction, I don't know.

I just really, really like him, and admire who he is as a person, his kindness, and appreciate his interests and hobbies, and I enjoy being around him and spending time with him very much, and I would be so sad if he wasn't part of my life anymore, and I feel like that's love?