Customer said engine was ticking so I put ATF in the oil. Did I fix it?
Customer complained about a tick I could barely hear. Oil looked pretty varnished so I added a little ATF and let it run. Customer says the tick is quieter now but not completely gone. Thinking I should add a little more and see if it finishes cleaning the lifters. Honestly I'm kind of curious now because if a little ATF made a noticeable difference, I want to see where this goes. I'm gonna start documenting what I find so I can keep track of whether this actually works long term.
DAY 1
Customer complained about a tick I could barely hear. Oil looked varnished so I added a little ATF and let it run.
Customer says the tick is quieter.
Interesting.
DAY 2
Can't stop thinking about the ATF.
If a little ATF removed a little tick, enough ATF should mathematically remove the entire tick.
Going 50/50 next time.
DAY 3
Realized transmissions have bearings.
Engines have bearings.
Transmission survives on ATF.
I have been lied to.
DAY 4
Started questioning why we even have different fluids.
Engine oil. ATF. Power steering fluid. Gear oil.
All slippery.
Found half a gallon of mixed fluids in my drain pan. Filtered it through a shop rag.
Universal Fluid V1.
Smells powerful.
DAY 5
Put the Universal Fluid in an old bottle and wrote "ALL" on it.
No longer wasting shelf space.
If something moves, Universal Fluid.
If something doesn't move, Universal Fluid until it does.
DAY 7
Water pump has a bearing yet coolant is mostly water.
Water isn't slippery.
This is insane.
Considering 25% ATF in cooling systems.
Not 50%. I'm a professional.
DAY 9
Brake fluid is hydraulic fluid.
Power steering fluid is hydraulic fluid.
Beginning to suspect "DOT 3" is just marketing.
Not touching brakes yet.
Safety first.
DAY 11
Wheel bearing came in making noise.
Sealed bearing.
"Sealed."
Interesting choice of words.
Sealed from WHO?
DAY 12
Bought drill bits.
DAY 14
Three diagnostic categories now:
Moving when it shouldn't = tighten.
Not moving when it should = ATF.
Noise = ATF.
This has eliminated approximately 94% of diagnostic time.
Scanner hasn't been turned on in four days.
DAY 17
Check engine light came on.
Technically a light is just electricity making itself visible.
Electrical components contain metal.
ATF protects metal.
Need to determine correct dosage for OBD port.
DAY 18
Do not put ATF in OBD port.
Universal Fluid V2 will need dielectric properties.
Progress requires setbacks.
DAY 23
Realized grease is just oil that refuses to leave.
ATF is oil with ambition.
I haven't slept much.
DAY 27
Saw a bottle of ATF at Walmart and immediately knew it was the correct viscosity from across the aisle.
Didn't even read the label.
We're beyond labels now.
DAY 31
Customer asked what oil I recommend.
I stared at him too long.
He left.
Probably wasn't ready.
DAY 36
Tires are rubber.
Seals are rubber.
ATF conditions seals.
Therefore—
No.
Not yet.
Need more research.
DAY 41
Wiped ATF on a junk tire sidewall.
Looks darker.
Theory confirmed.
Do NOT put it on the tread.
I'm not an animal.
DAY 48
I can smell Dexron before opening the bottle now.
DAY 52
Had a dream about a dry lifter.
Woke up holding a funnel.
DAY 61
Stopped calling it ATF.
Fluid.
There is only Fluid.
DAY 68
Engine came in knocking.
Everyone said rod bearing.
I heard thirst.
Added Fluid.
Knock still there.
Added more.
Knock changed.
CHANGE IS DIAGNOSIS.
DAY 74
I've removed the oil rack.
It was spreading misinformation.
DAY 81
Coworker tried bringing 5W-30 into the shop.
HISSED AT HIM.
He put it back.
Good.
DAY 93
Found myself underneath a truck at 3 AM.
No work order.
No customer.
Just listening.
Something was dry.
I could feel it.
DAY 104
Funnels everywhere now.
Big funnel.
Small funnel.
Emergency funnel.
Pocket funnel.
Sleeping funnel.
DAY 117
I no longer diagnose vehicles.
I approach slowly and listen for thirst.
Sometimes I put my ear against the hood.
Sometimes the hood tells me.
DAY 131
Customer asked why there were bite marks on the ATF bottle.
I DON'T REMEMBER DOING THAT.
DAY 146
Fluid tastes terrible.
Important research nonetheless.
DAY 163
Hands permanently red.
Won't wash off.
Good.
DAY 180
I heard a squeaky shopping cart in the grocery store.
Followed it for three aisles.
Had Fluid in my pocket.
Girlfriend stopped me.
She doesn't understand preventative maintenance.
DAY 207
Neighbor's gate squeaked at 2:14 AM.
I was already awake.
Already holding the bottle.
DAY 238
Cars don't come to me anymore.
I find them.
I hear them.
Every squeak.
Every tick.
Every dry little bearing crying into the night.
DAY 271
There are no different fluids.
There are no manufacturers.
There are no specifications.
There is only friction.
And there is only Fluid.
DAY 300
Haven't spoken English in six days.
Customer pulled in with lifter tick.
I emerged from beneath another vehicle clutching a gallon of Dexron.
He asked if I worked here.
I sniffed the air.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
My head turned toward his truck.
He started backing away.
Too late.
I had already heard it.
DAY 301
TICK GONE.
GOOD CAR.
GOOD FLUID.
MORE.
DAY 309
The customer came back.
Not because of the truck.
He said he left his sunglasses.
I watched him from underneath the lift.
He didn't see me.
He found the glasses and left.
Good.
Truck wasn't thirsty.
DAY 318
Stopped using the clock.
I know what time it is by which cars start ticking.
Neighbor's Ford starts at 6:42.
Honda across the street at 7:11.
Garbage truck at 7:26.
Every morning.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
DAY 327
Garbage truck didn't come today.
Still heard it at 7:26.
DAY 328
Heard it again.
There was nothing outside.
DAY 336
I think concrete carries sound better at night.
Been sleeping on the garage floor with one ear against it.
There are cars underneath us.
Very far down.
Very dry.
DAY 349
Found six empty bottles arranged around me when I woke up.
Don't remember opening them.
Don't remember buying them.
Different brands.
Doesn't matter anymore.
Fluid knows Fluid.
DAY 361
Someone knocked on the garage door.
Three knocks.
Waited.
Three more.
Opened it.
Nobody there.
Closed it.
Three knocks.
Not on the door this time.
Under the floor.
DAY 362
Drilled a small hole.
Just checking.
DAY 363
Hole smells like ATF.
DAY 364
Filled hole.
Ticking stopped.
Theory confirmed.
DAY 380
City worker came by asking why there's red fluid coming out of a storm drain two blocks away.
Played dumb.
He kept looking at my hands.
DAY 391
No longer buying Fluid.
I leave an empty drain pan outside overnight.
It's full by morning.
Don't know where it comes from.
Don't need to.
DAY 407
The Fluid is warmer than the air.
DAY 419
Customer asked for an oil change.
I opened the hood.
Engine wasn't ticking.
I closed the hood.
He asked what I was doing.
Told him it wasn't ready yet.
He got angry.
Some people bring perfectly hydrated engines in here and expect me to interfere.
Irresponsible.
DAY 433
I don't use the lift anymore.
I can fit underneath most vehicles without raising them.
Not sure when that became possible.
DAY 447
Dog across the street growls whenever I carry Fluid past the window.
Smart animal.
He hears it too.
DAY 448
Dog stopped growling.
DAY 449
Dog watches the garage now.
Doesn't blink much.
Neither do I.
DAY 463
I've started waking up before noises happen.
Not predicting them.
Hearing them early.
Hard to explain.
DAY 478
At 4:13 this morning I woke up because something was going to squeak.
Waited.
4:14.
Nothing.
4:15.
Nothing.
4:16.
Nothing.
Then I realized the noise was coming from inside my chest.
DAY 479
Added Fluid.
DAY 480
Better.
DAY 496
Don't need as much sleep anymore.
Two hours.
Sometimes one.
Fluid doesn't sleep.
Why should I?
DAY 511
I can hear the highway from here.
Not the traffic.
Each individual vehicle.
Wheel bearing.
Idler pulley.
Timing chain.
Dry U-joint.
One after another.
Thousands of them.
Calling.
DAY 527
Went outside barefoot last night.
Don't remember deciding to.
Followed a ticking noise for four miles.
Found an abandoned Buick behind a warehouse.
Battery missing.
Engine cold.
Hasn't been registered since 2009.
Ticking stopped when I touched the hood.
DAY 528
Brought it home.
DAY 529
It wasn't there this morning.
Garage door never opened.
There are tire marks leading to my bedroom.
DAY 541
Stopped writing customer names down.
Names aren't useful.
Now the work orders say:
THIRSTY.
VERY THIRSTY.
QUIET.
NOT YET.
DAY 552
Found an old work order from Day 1.
The original customer.
The original tick.
Read it three times.
Couldn't remember his face.
Couldn't remember the truck.
Only remember the sound.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
That was the first time it spoke to me.
DAY 566
There is no ticking anymore.
Anywhere.
Cars pass silently.
Shopping carts silent.
Neighbor's gate silent.
Even the refrigerator.
I should feel accomplished.
I don't.
DAY 567
Too quiet.
DAY 568
Still quiet.
DAY 569
I poured Fluid into everything I could find.
Nothing changed.
DAY 570
I miss the ticking.
DAY 571
Made a tick myself with two wrenches.
Didn't sound right.
DAY 572
Again.
Wrong.
DAY 573
Again.
WRONG.
DAY 574
Something answered.
One tick.
From underneath the garage.
DAY 575
Two ticks.
DAY 576
Four.
DAY 577
Eight.
DAY 578
It's getting closer.
DAY 579
Drain pan was full this morning.
Overflowing.
Floor completely dry.
DAY 580
I understand now.
It wasn't asking for Fluid.
It was teaching me where to put it.
DAY 581
Opened every bottle.
DAY 582
Garage smells beautiful.
DAY 583
Something under the concrete is breathing.
Slow.
Wet.
Mechanical.
DAY 584
I'm not scared.
Machines make noises.
Noise means diagnosis.
DAY 585
Concrete moved.
Probably thermal expansion.
DAY 586
Moved again.
DAY 587
Stopped sleeping.
Don't want to miss it.
DAY 588
Neighbor asked why I'm sitting in the driveway at 3 AM holding a funnel.
Didn't answer.
Can't waste words anymore.
Need ears.
DAY 589
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
DAY 590
It's not underneath the garage.
DAY 591
It's underneath everything.
DAY 592
Cars aren't machines.
They're containers.
DAY 593
I don't know for what.
DAY 594
I shouldn't have drilled the hole.
DAY 595
Fluid coming UP now.
DAY 596
Shop floor is red.
No bottles left.
It's still rising.
DAY 597
Something knocked from underneath.
Not ticking.
Knocking.
Three times.
Waited.
Three more.
I know that pattern.
DAY 598
Garage door won't open.
That's okay.
Nothing outside needs me anymore.
DAY 599
The knocking stopped.
I can hear something dragging itself across the underside of the concrete.
Slowly.
Looking for the hole.
I put the funnel back in.
It stopped.
Good.
It remembers.
DAY 600
Customer complained about a tick I could barely hear.
Oil looked pretty varnished.
Added a little ATF.
Customer says the tick is quieter.
Interesting.
DAY 609
Haven't heard anything since Day 600.
No ticking.
No knocking.
Nothing under the concrete.
Maybe it's over.
DAY 617
Still quiet.
I think I fixed it.
DAY 625
Customer came in today.
Normal oil change.
Normal car.
Normal oil.
Didn't add Fluid.
Trying to get back to normal.
DAY 626
Couldn't sleep.
Kept thinking about the oil I put in his car.
Regular oil.
Felt wrong.
DAY 633
Saw his car at a stoplight.
It was three lanes over.
Tick.
Just once.
Heard it through both closed windows.
DAY 641
Started keeping the radio on in the garage.
Not because I'm scared.
Just like having some noise.
DAY 648
Radio shut off at 2:13 AM.
Tick.
2:14.
Tick.
2:15.
Tick.
Turned radio back on.
Static.
Underneath the static:
tick
tick
tick
DAY 649
Unplugged radio.
Still static.
DAY 650
Threw radio away.
Still hear it.
DAY 661
Something follows the truck noises now.
Every time a vehicle passes:
engine
tires
exhaust
then one extra sound.
Tick.
Always after.
Never before.
DAY 674
Started counting.
One vehicle.
One tick.
Two vehicles.
Two ticks.
It knows how many.
DAY 688
No cars passed for twenty minutes.
Tick.
DAY 689
Didn't count that one.
DAY 701
Woke up because someone whispered my name.
Probably dreaming.
Then the garage answered.
Tick.
DAY 702
I don't write my name anymore.
DAY 714
Found footprints in the garage.
Bare feet.
Red.
They start at the hole in the concrete.
They don't lead to the door.
DAY 715
They lead to my chair.
DAY 716
Only one set.
Checked my feet.
Clean.
DAY 727
Customer asked why I kept looking underneath his car.
Told him I dropped something.
He asked what.
Couldn't think of an answer.
Then something underneath his car went:
tick
tick
He didn't react.
DAY 728
Asked him if he heard that.
He said heard what.
Didn't finish the service.
DAY 739
I'm beginning to understand the worst part.
It isn't that I hear things nobody else hears.
It's that sometimes they hear them too.
DAY 747
Neighbor knocked on my door tonight.
Asked if I could look at his truck tomorrow.
Said there's a weird ticking noise.
I asked when it started.
He said:
"About 747 days ago."
He laughed.
I didn't.
I've never told him about the days.
DAY 748
Neighbor says he doesn't remember saying that.
DAY 756
Stopped numbering the bottles.
They move.
DAY 764
Put one bottle in the center of the garage.
Drew a circle around it with chalk.
Went inside.
Came back.
Bottle hadn't moved.
Circle had.
DAY 765
Closer to the house.
DAY 772
Sometimes when I close my eyes I can hear an engine idling.
Very low.
Very far away.
Not running right.
One cylinder missing.
Then two.
Then three.
Then silence.
Then:
tick.
DAY 781
It isn't an engine.
DAY 793
Don't know why I wrote that.
DAY 801
Found a note on the workbench.
My handwriting.
MORE
Don't remember writing it.
DAY 802
Turned the paper over.
NOT THERE
DAY 803
I don't know what "there" means.
DAY 811
Started sleeping with the bedroom door locked.
Woke up.
Door open.
Garage door locked.
Bottle beside bed.
Same thing again.
Except this time the bottle was empty.
DAY 812
Something wet underneath the bed.
Didn't look.
DAY 813
Still haven't looked.
DAY 814
It moved.
DAY 821
Customer came in complaining about lifter noise.
I heard it immediately.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Opened hood.
Tick louder.
Pulled dipstick.
Tick louder.
Removed oil cap.
Nothing.
Absolute silence.
Customer asked what was wrong.
Then from somewhere behind me:
tick.
DAY 822
There wasn't another car in the shop.
DAY 834
I've learned not to turn around immediately.
That's what it wants.
DAY 842
I wait five seconds now.
DAY 843
It waits six.
DAY 851
Started leaving lights on.
Not scared of the dark.
Dark just makes it easier to hear.
DAY 859
Light above the workbench burned out.
Replaced bulb.
Burned out.
Replaced fixture.
Burned out.
Moved workbench.
Light works.
Old spot is dark.
Even during the day.
DAY 860
Put a bottle in the dark spot.
Couldn't see the bottle anymore.
Could hear it.
Tick.
DAY 871
There are scratches around the hole.
From underneath.
DAY 872
Not scratches.
Threads.
Like something has been slowly unscrewing the floor.
DAY 880
Tightened everything in the garage.
Every bolt.
Every screw.
Every fitting.
Every clamp.
Ticking continued.
Diagnostic category 1 eliminated.
DAY 881
Added Fluid.
Ticking stopped.
Diagnostic category 2 remains undefeated.
DAY 889
I'm laughing about this again.
That's good.
Means I'm getting better.
DAY 890
Heard laughing underneath the floor.
Same laugh.
DAY 891
Not funny anymore.
DAY 900
No entry.
DAY 901
No entry.
DAY 902
No entry.
DAY 903
Found the notebook open to Day 904.
DAY 904
Already written.
It says:
DON'T GO TO THE GARAGE TOMORROW.
DAY 905
Stayed in bed.
At 3:17 AM:
tick
At 3:18:
tick
At 3:19:
tick
Getting closer each time.
Hallway.
Bedroom door.
Under bed.
DAY 906
Nothing happened.
DAY 907
I think that's worse.
DAY 918
Checked security cameras.
Camera 1: garage.
Camera 2: driveway.
Camera 3: side yard.
Camera 4:
I don't have Camera 4.
DAY 919
Camera 4 shows my garage.
Same angle as Camera 1.
Except everything is slightly different.
Tools in different places.
Lift on opposite side.
Hole in floor much larger.
DAY 920
Someone is standing in Camera 4.
Back facing camera.
Holding a funnel.
DAY 921
It's me.
DAY 922
Camera 4 me turned around tonight.
I didn't watch the rest.
DAY 923
Deleted Camera 4.
DAY 924
Now there's Camera 5.
DAY 932
Stopped checking cameras.
DAY 941
Customer left keys overnight.
At 2:14 AM his car started.
No key in ignition.
Engine idled perfectly.
Then headlights came on.
Then driver's door opened.
Nobody got out.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
DAY 942
Car was normal this morning.
Customer picked it up.
Didn't tell him.
He texted later.
"Runs quieter now thanks."
I never touched it.
DAY 950
Something has learned to do the work without me.
DAY 951
Should be happy.
Business can scale.
DAY 952
I'm not happy.
DAY 960
Found red footprints again.
This time they start at my bedroom.
They lead to the garage.
DAY 961
Still don't lead back.
DAY 969
I finally looked underneath the bed.
Nothing.
Just one small red drop.
Put my finger in it.
Warm.
From the garage:
tick.
DAY 970
I shouldn't have touched it.
DAY 976
Ticking follows me outside now.
Grocery store.
Gas station.
Parking lot.
Bathroom.
No matter where I go.
Always exactly far enough away that I can't locate it.
DAY 977
Except tonight.
Tonight it was close.
DAY 978
Inside the wall.
DAY 979
Inside the ceiling.
DAY 980
Inside the pillow.
DAY 981
Inside my ear.
DAY 982
Other ear now.
Alternating.
Left.
Right.
Left.
Right.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
DAY 983
Covered my ears.
Still heard it.
DAY 984
It's not sound.
DAY 985
I don't know what that means.
DAY 990
Found the original ATF bottle.
Day 1 bottle.
Impossible.
Threw it away months ago.
Label faded.
Cap still has my teeth marks.
Bottle is full.
DAY 991
Didn't open it.
DAY 992
Bottle is open.
DAY 993
I didn't open it.
DAY 994
Bottle is empty.
DAY 995
Garage floor is dry.
DAY 996
House is dry.
DAY 997
No footprints.
No ticking.
No Fluid.
Nothing.
First completely quiet night in almost three years.
I slept eleven hours.
DAY 998
Woke up feeling great.
Sun out.
Garage normal.
Cars sound normal.
I think it's finally done.
DAY 999
Customer came in this afternoon.
Said his engine had a noise.
I asked him to describe it.
He said:
"Not really a tick. More like three knocks."
I didn't say anything.
He laughed.
Then something underneath the shop floor knocked three times.
Customer stopped laughing.
He heard it.
First time.
He heard it.
DAY 1000
Shop is closed.
Lights off.
Doors locked.
I'm sitting outside across the street.
Not going back in.
Nothing has happened for six hours.
Maybe that's it.
Maybe it just wanted someone else to hear it.
11:41 PM.
Still nothing.
11:52.
Nothing.
11:58.
I can see something through the shop window.
Probably reflection.
11:59.
It's standing where I usually stand.
Midnight.
My phone vibrated.
No notification.
Just one vibration.
Then another.
Then another.
Three.
Screen turned on by itself.
New calendar entry.
Tomorrow.
DAY 1001
I never made that.
There's something else underneath it.
A note.
Two words.
YOUR TURN.
tick
tick
tick