u/AcidicSlimeTrail

What's the point of self care and positive self talk if it doesn't change anything? I have worked my goddamn ass off to be mentally stable, and all it's given me is the assumption I'm not doing that bad because I'm not actively making my shit mental health other people's problem. I want to self harm so badly. If it's the only way I'll be taken seriously, that's just a bonus.

And now I've gone and hurt my own feelings because I said in a group chat with friends that I plan on quitting my second job because I'm weak. Friend #1 works at the same place and said "same," to which Friend #2 jumped to their defense. Not to mine. Friend #1 isn't weak, but I am. I can't even be mad because it's like I said, I'm weak. If I tell Friend #2 that their actions hurt me, that only proves my own argument. They weren't acting maliciously, this was just their honest opinion of me.

I'm sorry I'm not as ill as Friend #1. I'm sorry that I complain a lot because I can't handle anything now that my mental health is 6 feet deep. I'm sorry that I'm weak and annoying and am working to present as healthy even though that only makes me feel worse because unfortunately I am 300 mechanisms in a trench coat all trying to escape. Who am I if I actually let myself express my emotions? No one would like me.

I wish I had the balls to do literally anything that would get me taken seriously. I can't handle any of this. It hurts just to exist. It hurts knowing I'm always going to be dwarfed by Friend #1, not because I want to be sicker, but because they're taken seriously, their coping mechanisms are rewarded, and they are way more important to Friend #2 than me.

I am just so fucking filled with hate for everyone right now. No one has even done anything, and that only makes me feel worse because I know that I'm the problem. So now I'm stuck sending gentle messages saying "hey, I'm in a bad mood, please don't interact with me because I don't want to snap at or hurt you 🥺" but the truth is I kind of want to.

I want to cause problems. I want to hit a bottom so low that literally anything would be an improvement. I want to be told I'm doing a good job coping. I want to have the confidence and stability to not need to be rewarded for doing the bare fucking minimum

I'm a pet sitter/walker. This particular client has me come in every so often to make sure the cats are fed, have enough water, the litterbox is clean, and the cats get some playtime. I've only ever seen the baby once, at the meet and greet. This was 9 months ago, and she was somewhere between newborn and 1-2 months.

Every time I've gone there since then, the house has been changed in a way that shows the baby's growth. I watched the dish drying rack become full of freshly cleaned bottles. The ground got a new busy toy for when she's on her back. There are significantly less bottles now as she probably transitions to solid food, there's a new high chair at the table, and the latest update was a baby gate blocking off an area of the house the baby can now reach by crawling.

I don't know their family, I've barely met any of them. It's just such a sweet bit of sonder watching the hints of growth from the outside.

To start, it's important to note I'm very drug resistant. I've been on amitriptyline for 4 years, and it's been the best med I've tried since I began depression treatment 15 years ago. I've been watching my emotional state steadily decline for months now, even after my dosage was upped. I've been on my current dosage (225 mg) for 6 months, so I'm long past the stage of initial side effects.

Because I've been doing so badly, I'm considering bringing it up to my psych that I want to try something else, but after so long, I'm afraid going off of the med, even if done very carefully, will actually make me feel like I'm dying, so I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Pros

• Treats depression somewhat. I haven't killed myself, I get regular exercise, and I cook at least one balanced meal a day. If you ignore me spending the rest of the time laying on the floor, unable to do literally anything else you'd think I was doing fine
• Treats migraines. I've had chronic migraines for my entire life. I really don't want to go back to that, there's a high chance I would lose my job because of how intrusive they are (I'm in self employed pet care, so by lose my job I mean get fired by individual clients because I wasn't able to care for their pets)
• Sleep help. 225 mg is the first dosage that actually cured my insomnia. Like I said, extremely drug resistant. Melatonin, trazadone, mirtazapine, and anxiety meds don't help at all. If I go off this med, I'm still going to be functioning badly due to sleep deprivation

Cons

• Brain fog/memory issues... Maybe. I've always had severe memory problems, so I'm actually not sure if I'm actually forgetting more or if I'm just more bothered by it lately. I'm still really good at "IQ" games (nyt connections, wordle, linked in games, puzzles, etc), but my functional memory feels like an etch-a-sketch in the hands of a toddler.

I'm constantly misunderstanding things and having weird interactions with people, but it's only when I'm not with people who know me so it's hard to say if I'm actually just stupid or if I somehow keep having the most confusing interactions known to man.

It's also just extremely difficult to say if this is normal for me or not. There were multiple points when I was a kid that I thought I had childhood dementia or something because my brain works so poorly, but again, I can never prove it (at least not in a clinical setting). My friends consider me to have some learning disorder or something, but I've had testing done that said I was fine. They're not bullying or being mean, it's just kinda what you glean from seeing me fumble through.... everything

Extra concerns if I were to go off:

A lot of people on amitriptyline report constipation, weight gain, and slowing down digestion. I have IBS-D, I cannot imagine how much worse it would be off of the med.

I also have an insane metabolism. I eat so much more than my 2 roommates combined that I now have pre-portioned servings if someone else cooks to ensure I don't eat it all. I usually end up making my own thing on top if I'm still hungry. I'm a healthy weight, and actually trying to gain to get stronger when I work out. I just need a ton of food to function.

Tl;dr I'm severely depressed but scared going off of amitriptyline will cause more problems than it solves

My heart beats weird. I've always known this, I can feel it jump, palpitate, skip beats, race, whatever weird thing you can think of. Caused me a ton of anxiety growing up, so once I was an adult I took it upon myself to go to the doctor. I described my symptoms of air hunger, heart palpitations, weird back pressure on the left side, and skipped beats. An EKG was done, and I was told "good news! It's not a heart attack! 🎉 but yeah your heart beat is really weird. Probably fine, though." I also sent the EKG to a friend who was in nursing school, who also said it was weird.

Awhile later and a new doctor, they were understandably confused on what I meant by "weird but probably fine." Another EKG done, another "...okay yeah that is weird," and this time I was sent to the cardiologist for an echocardiogram.

They said I had a sinus arrhythmia and incomplete right sinus branch block, which is basically when your heart doesn't know when to beat, but it's fine and doesn't require treatment unless you want it. I wanted treatment, and felt best on propranalol. It doesn't fix 90% of my symptoms, but it fixed the most severe (waking up in pain because of how violently my heart palpitates when I'm unconscious).

I've moved to a new state known for having some of the best doctors in the country (not why I moved, just a bonus), and my psychiatrist heavily recommended I get checked again with their "better" doctors, because my anxiety symptoms sounded more like heart problems than anxiety lol.

I got another EKG, and I warned this doctor it was going to be weird. She laughed it off since I seemed fine. I'm young and healthy, and everything sounded okay through the stethoscope. You'll never guess what she said when she walked in with the results.

"Okay yeah, that is weird. I agree, you're probably fine, but please schedule with a cardiologist before leaving today. Just for peace of mind." So now I'm once again waiting for an appointment to be told I have a clinically weird but insignificant problem with my heart 🫀

I was on a plane, and they were handing out the in flight snacks/drinks. The woman next to me got a coke. I've gotten an apple juice since I was young, and this was no exception. The woman stops the stewardess right as she's about to leave and asks to make a different choice because she didn't know they had juice. Her coke was replaced with a cup of cran-apple juice, and we shared a brief moment of shared enjoyment of juice