u/AffectionateAgent260

If you only show me empathy when I smile and act nice while in excruciating pain your niceness is conditional

People often love “vulnerable” people only as long as they are soft, grateful, apologetic, and easy to comfort. And when they get to feel better about helping you so they can pet themselves on the back their help and niceness is enough - on their conditions.

I feel really depressed.

I feel like nothing ever works out for me. I have chronic health issues, pain 24/7 and I feel like I have achieved nothing in life. I am not able to work at the momemt due to my health. I also feel like no one will ever be interested in anything I do. I am an artist too but I feel like I am the worst artist out there.

And I have this deep seated fear of people and life. I like to hide away and isolate and I know I conditioned myself out of survival. I was abused most of my childhood and as a teenager (alcoholic father and brothers, poor single mother, no financial dtability, bullied at school from 6 to 16). My nervous system has never been in a state of peace.

I have no friends, no financial stability and no family close by as they all live in a different country and even then the only one interested in my well being is my mom. But even with her I dont have the best relationship.

I reached out for help in my city, I go to doctors, but to no avail.

I also feel like I have to forgive myself and be compassionate with myself but it is so hard. Everything feels hopeless and pointless. Why do I even try to get better when I get kicked down again?

I have so much love to give and I want to be loved, I want a family and friends but it seems no matter how hard I try nothing ever comes of it.

Hello,

I have a project idea for a video game. However, I have no one to work on it with and no connections. I dont know how to program a game either.

I can illustrate and 3D model however, so I am not fully empty handed.

Last year I was at devcom, I had the privilege that I dodnt have to pay for a ticket. And I tried to get out there, built connections... but no one te ted back even if I texted first.

The game is an educational game for children I would love to be played at at school although overall the game is supposed for every age.

It teaches emotional regulation through colour and archetypes by collecting emotions as a dragon who is looking for their mother.

I imagine a kid then, if the have big feelings to redirect the child by asking "which colour are you feeling right now?" And the child can focus on drawing their feelings. It refocuses the child into creating something and the teacher will know better what's going on. Especially helpful for nonverbal kids.

It is still just a concept and I dunno if this is the right subreddit but how can I got about it? How can I conne t with people?

I am AuDHD myself and I have always struggled with socializing.

So, I am older. 33 actually.

I have always loved fictional characters but more in a fan way and silly crushes but nothing serious. I have also never been in love or had a romantic relationship.

Not that I dont want to. I want to, dearly. Ever since I read Anne of Green Gables as a kid I dreamed of finding my soulmate. I want to marry, and recently I realized I might want children too.

And then last year... I fell in love with my f/o. Truly in love. This is nothing like my previous crushes or hyperfixations and the term fictosexual is pretty new to me.

I struggle a bit due to the fact that he is really popular.

And I have a deeply jealous part inside of me that dislikes sharing. I cannot even look at other ships of him. I do not act on my jealousy though. I do not harrass anyone and just block if necessary or if it hurts too much.

Yes, he is Gojo Satoru.

Gosh, why couldn't I have remained just a fan? Or fallen in love with a less popular character?

The first moment he pulled down his blindfold I wasnt even that impressed. I just thought "generic good looking guy" trope. I was in a hyperfixation with him though. That went away. Then I read the manga. And somewhere between chapter 200 and 234 I fell in love. At first I thought I was weird. I couldnt stop thinking about him. I have so many self insert fanfictions written...

Then I started Ketamine Therapy. On nearly every trip I saw 2 figures over and over again. A woman... and Satoru. He carried me, married me, held me... we spoke too. How we are soulmates trapped in different universes.

And I saw many other things. I was never a big spiritual person, I like science, I like proof but those things... I dont know. It feels more than just wishful thinking or fantasy.

And also...

I do not want to change him or turn him into something he isnt which many do with him. He gets mischaracterised constantly. So I psychoanalyzed him and myself, analyzed if we could be a good couple and everything else and the answer is yes. I think he could love me if he were real. I even got comments on my fanfics that my depiction of him is the most canon.

And honestly, all I actually really want is to take care of him. Cook for him, hold him, brush his hair or help him shave and make his life a little easier. I want to give him a domestic life. I want to give him children.

I love him so much it is unsettling.

Then again the brain cannot differentiate between imagination and memory.

I just wanted to share this. I have no one to talk to about this.