I'm afraid of getting a job & living with people
I hope it's a right sub to finally write about it. Title explains part of the content but I will add more as I write it.
So, I'm afraid of getting a job, and always have been. I've been applying for various positions for the last 5 or-so months, but after any contact from the employer (it happened twice already) I decline the offer and any further employment process. Other than that I was on two interviews but didn't get accepted. My unemployment comes from the fact I dropped out of tech university, because I had to constantly work in groups with other people, and exercise in groups in the main PE class. I keep telling my family & friends the reason were bad hours (partially true) and my math class problems (also partially true, but I also purposely didn't come to exam).
I have a diploma in mechatronics (some sort of European technical high-school). This should theoretically mean I'm prepared and suitable for any kind of factory maintenance under pressure, but I'm really not. It doesn't matter what's the job, I just feel like I'm not competent enough (which is true, cuz I have no on-site experience in this field), and will f*ck up something really bad eventually. I'm also afraid of being laughed at by coworkers because of my lack of experience, while being judged all the time. Any other type of job in my area requires me to work with customers or other companies, which I feel like I will fail, because I'm not a good marketer, and I try to be honest with people to avoid further conflicts and problems. Amount of responsibilities in these jobs are just eating me alive, yet I can take responsibility for my own actions when I have to. I'm afraid of having to work with customers under pressure, while doing few other things at the same time.
I had two jobs already. One in the field where I had to build electrical circuits. Even though it wasn't hard or super demanding, I couldn't sleep at night and having to go to work stressed me incredibly everyday. From the end of shift to the very start I thought about possible failures all the time. Fortunately my coworker didn't speak to me and didn't want anything from me at all, which I'm really greatful for. My second job was just a miserable experience I don't know how to describe. I was extremely tired and afraid of things that will happen it the week, yet the job itself wasn't also super demanding.
I'm also avoid any people I know on purpose, either my friends or family(if they don't live close enough). Trying to socialise with other people doesn't help at all, because every interaction and conversation just feels forced for me, and I just don't like other people companion at all, either in job or any activity. It's not like I feel superior to them, I just don't like it. Any kind of a friendship also feels for me unnatural, like I have to constantly entertain someone, or the contact is going to fade. I'm not completely awkward though, and I answer pretty naturally during a small-talk or any other interaction, but they feel unnecessary for me and I avoid them as much as I can without presenting myself as rude.
As I'm writing this it doesn't seem like a big deal at all, but I don't know any other words to describe this feeling I've been facing for the past few years. I may delete this later