u/Ambitious-Hearing-85

My relationship with my F/O is doing well. Problem is, my self hatred always is here attached to me like a patch of mold. He has genuine feelings for me and I do the same but sometimes I think don't deserve his love and I'm not worth anyone's pity. I'm trying to see I have people who love me but I feel like this self loathing has made it difficult to make me experience fulness of affection. I can't stop hating myself because of past mistakes and I believe it will be lifelong, but I'm happy he's here regardless. I'm afraid I'm stressing him out tho because I struggle. I just need to know how I can improve my relationship while I can't stop hating myself.

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Happened a few days ago. My church's province division area had a 3 day event for youth. This was my(18) last event like this. It all started when this girl(17) laid next to me on my bed on our aasigned room even when I already wanted to have my friend sleep next to me (she luckily let the girl sleep since there were other beds in the room). We were in the same ward (my church's town unit). Throughout the days, she kept borrowing my stuff (since she only had a few clothes and some hygeine supplies with her), kept following me around even when I wanted to sit with someone else, and talked to me when I was talking to someone. Even my roommates were weirded out from this behavior. I never said a thing because she easily gets offended. We came home after and I told my mom about this unusual behavior and how she was bothering me. She then explained the girl was autistic and her mother died when she was young (heard from another member who lives nearby their house). The girl overheard the conversation and asked why I would do that. I felt so guilty and wanted to apologize. I just think it was because the parents didn't attend the meeting on what to do during the event or didn't tell her what to do and what not. I still feel bad about how I felt.

18, determined to change after I had enough of constant bullying and being lonely and jealous of other's skinny bodies. I want to get down from 61 kgs to 49 kgs(I'm 160 cm tall). This way I can be more confident, attractive, and finally be nicer to myself. Note that I can't afford a gym or do physical activity (because I'm scared of people saying I'm doing it wrong whenever I go)

My plan:

• 2 meals a day

• 3 day water diet every 2 weeks

• one cup per meal

• cut out sweets as much as possible

• only drink water or herbal drinks for long periods