u/Androgynouself_420

TL;DR: I had the best sex of my life before going to the E.R. :)

So I’ll start by admitting that yall were right, I am in fact a useless lesbian. Except for last night 😈. So I sorta lied about the meetup being today just in case she saw the post, it was yesterday. I went over to her house and immediately was offered a pot brownie before she sweetly begged her roommate to let me crash there. Permission granted and edible consumed we all pile into one room (several friends visited that day).

Immediately the two of us get right beside each other on the bed, arms and legs slightly touching. Not even caring other people might notice I decide to just enjoy it. Eventually she lays her head right next to me pressing
Against my arm. We proceed to slowly get closer to each other until we’re pretty touchy. Then she points out I’ve accidentally pushed her to the corner of the bed and says my options are scoot or snuggle. And with stoned confidence I chose cuddle.

Right before most friends had headed home so we were quickly left alone, wrapped around each other, high as kites, and listening to psychedelic rock. Eventually we get a bit more handsy and I start producing some, heh, cute reactions from her. Oddly my subby ass liked having control over making her feel good. Before I know it I, a formerly complete sub, am domming her.

And I fucking loved it.

I still don’t know if it was a repeatable event or if it was just the perfect storm of life thoroughly fucking me for months on end til I just wanted to take back control of something, but I just went for it. Not to brag, but I was pretty fucking good at it too. It was several hours of kinky stoned sex to rock and roll with the chains of a leash wrapped around my fingers. Holy shit I felt like a villainess, it was delightful. Afterwards was standard aftercare until we started dozing off.

Then comes the most excruciating pain of my entire life. Starting mild it built until I ended up creeping out of bed and driving to down extra strength Tylenol. It did nothing so I drove myself at 4 am to the E.R. By the time I hit the lobby I was involuntarily groaning in pain as one of my nuts and half my abdomen throbbed. I’ve been beat and it hurt less than this. The docs had to give me fucking morphine and even with that I was still in agony. Thus begins several hours of writhing until the morphine hit
And I was a barely conscious zombie unable to lift my own arm at times.

Docs had to slid a blanket under me and double up to move me. At several points they had to guide my arms just to keep them from falling off the bed. Eventually after several hours of no sleep, food, or water I finally conk out. Woke up to learn they had no clue what happened to me, only knew that it wasn’t immediately life threatening or dangerous. Now I’m home covered in a mix of hickies and my own dried blood (my IVs kept closing) slowly trying to relax.

There’s still a significant amount of pain but not unbearable like before. I can’t walk very fast and have to be careful when shifting in my seat but otherwise I’m good. Poor gal woke up to me having disappeared without grabbing half my stuff until the drugs wore off and I could fill her in on what happened. I don’t think the sex cause it, cause I wasn’t the one getting roughed up and the pain only started 4 hours after, but idk wtf else it could be. Guess I just gotta take it easy the next few days and hope I continue to improve.

So yeah, your girl had one fuckin wild night.

So yesterday I went over to a friends house I hadn’t seen in months and got talking to her roommate who I’d met once ( we’re all transfem). We had a surprising amount in common and ended up talking for like 6 hours straight only leaving because I had to. She even made me dinner. While we were talking I kinda started picking up on some signals, but I’m bad at reading people so need outside confirmation.

For one a few hours in there was a pause in our conversation and she just stared at me for a bit smiling. I asked why and she just smiled more and said I was fun to talk to. We were also sitting on the bed and she had her eyes closed when I turned away but when I looked back I saw her looking at before before closing them again real quick. Eventually my back got sore so I laid down on her bed and she immediately laid right next to me.

For like an hour we were just talking like that, laying a few inches apart and looking at each other while we talked about life and art. By this point I was fairly sure there was something intimate going on so I just let my elbow tough hers while we talked. Seems like nothing but I told her I hate touching people so maybe she’ll pick up on the significance of me doing that. Basically just stayed like that in slight contact til I needed to leave making tentative plans to meet again. The friend I originally came to see even stopped in to see if I knew how late it had gotten.

We are supposed to hang again tomorrow and I’m just trying to figure out if I have a shot and how to make a move

Edit: I have been ordered to add that she offered for me to stay the night if I wanted, but I wasn’t able to cause I didn’t have any of my meds. In my defense she pointed out a couch as an option and my dumbass didn’t register other possibilities

TL;DR: Got lucky with a good facility and amazing patients, doing much better now

Welp I got discharged from grippy sock jail today and it honestly wasn’t that bad. I had to spend two days in the E.R. before getting to a facility and that was the worst part. Stuck alone with my thoughts and reruns of friends. Paper scrubs and folding spoons sucked to use too. Afterwards though the actual facility was nice.

The facility was less clinical looking than I expected. I wheeled in literally shaking and spent a few hours crying before venturing from my room. The strip search was by far the worst part but over quickly. A lovely nurse talked with me while the counselors were busy and seemed genuinely concerned for me. We talked about my cat and then I hid in my room for a bit.

When I finally came out two people near my age immediately reached out and helped me relax a little. By the nights end I went from not being able to see a good future to laughing as we diagnosed movie characters. Afterwards between the staff and patients I was able to heal way faster than expected and got out within about four days minus the two in the E.R.

I hopeful made some long term friends, we all snuck each others numbers around. I read a ton of my vampire smut novel while in there and enjoyed groups more than I thought I would. Was nice hanging with cool people who get it in pajamas and a hoodie. I got super lucky and without the patient facility combo off good luck I wouldn’t have gotten out as soon. I’m still grieving my cat hard and the first night backs been hard but weed and Netflix are helping me through it. I can finally see a future that’s happy again.

I’m going to the psych ward tonight

I am about to lose my ESA and childhood pet and it’s the last straw. I can’t imagine a happy future anymore. All I see is darkness and pain. I finally told my friends and mom about what’s going on and several people recommended a psych ward.

I’m fucking terrified, I hate losing control and I’ve only stayed around so far cause of distractions and weed. Everything but books are gonna be taken away. I’m gonna be alone with my thoughts and knowing my cat isn’t waiting for me at the end. I don’t wanna go but I think I’ve worried enough people that if I try to back out they’ll send me in involuntarily. I’m enjoying smoking smoking while I can in my cats final hours.

I’ve got a friend watching me in the mean time so I don’t do anything crazy. I’m just, this is real. I’m losing my cat and going to a mental facility. This is my real life. I’m feeling all the emotions but mostly terror and sorrow. Anyone have some advice or words of comfort?

TL;DR: My beloved cat and ESA likely has cancer and my friend suggested I consider checking myself in

I posted this in the trauma subreddits but wanted to hear advice here as I’m scared they won’t keep up with my injections or will treat me like a freak cause I’m trans. Idk what else to do though as everything keeps getting worse

I have had a thoroughly fucked up life and self harmed since 6th grade. My cat has been the only constant support through living with my abusive father, Covid isolation, and moving cross country alone. He’s my baby and my world. He sleeps by my feet every night and meows if close the bathroom door. Yesterday they found a huge mass that is likely terminal cancer. I may only have a week left with him

Already this year (and especially this summer) I’ve had one of my closest friends betray me, almost got thrown in jail with my best friend cause of said ex friend, had endless financial scares, barley could afford food at times, and spent the last few months so depressed that every day I felt nothing but pain. Suicidal ideation and thoughts of self harm have become omnipresent. Finally though I had two good days where the fog lifted and I thought I’d be ok.

Then I find out my baby is dying. I can’t keep going like this. I keep dragging myself through hell only to get more misery for my efforts. I’ve cried until I literally couldn’t produce more tears and my eyes burned. I’m not brushing my teeth, I’m only eating when I feel hunger pains and dizzy, and am barely keeping a gym routine. Most days I just doomscroll and try not to self harm but it’s so damn hard. I don’t see anything getting better, every time I let myself relax life kicks me in the teeth.

My friend after hearing me explain everything I’ve been going through strongly recommended I consider checking myself into a psych ward. I don’t see what they could do to help but I’m at the point of fantasizing about getting mugged so I could let the rage out and feel physical pain while letting out the emotional pain. Idk what to do or how to feel happy anymore

Literally the second that I stop whatever hobby or activity I’m doing it’s like it never happened. I’m just instantly back to the same baseline fear and dread as before I started. I used to be able to occupy myself all day with a phone and tv but now nothing I do leaves me feeling content. Like I’m just empty and the holes only filled in the moment.

It’s like activities used to feel like eating a steak. Satisfying, filling, you’re content after eating. Now doing hobbies feels like eating a brownie. Sure it tastes amazing in the moment but the second it’s gone you still feel hungry and crave more. I wasn’t always like this, hell even a few months ago this wasn’t an issue. What changed? What’s wrong with me? Do I have to just stay busy or feel the void swallow me back up?

Like I just learned about this disorder, I finally understand what splitting is and how it’s been affecting me, I finally have something to tell myself when I split that people don’t hate me, and one of my best friends drops this on me. Literally the night after I’m diagnosed with a disorder centered around fear of abandonment and people secretly hating me, one of my closest fucking friends reveals he actually does.

Now don’t jump to hating him, he said it’s not my fault and the reason (very long story) does make sense why it’d create resentment. Still fucking sucks though. We’re roommates too so I’ve just spent the last few days in my room trying not to spiral. Did ok the first few days but the ambiguity here sucks. I’m just waiting with no information beyond “I get it’s not your fault, but nothing will change it so please just leave me alone.”

Like I talk to him about everything, we hang out constantly, fuck I go to family events with him. Now for reasons beyond my control I know for a fact that I’m creating feelings of hate and envy every time I walk by. I don’t know when he’ll get over this, I don’t even know if he *will* get over this. I’d hoped he’d talk to me after seeing his therapist but nope, still hours of silence. God I feel so fucking shitty, I just wanna talk to my friend but I’m starting to split and get pissed.