u/AnhedoniaLogomachy

This episode follows along the storyline when Tom starts showing interest in nurse Barbara.

Trixie asks Tom, “How long since we ended everything?”

I guess she forgot that SHE broke off the engagement. There was no “we”!

She broke it off because Tom was told her would need to move to Newcastle.

Which leads me to her horrid treatment of Barbara.

Yesterday at 4:45 PM, my boss texts me asking me to check a file to confirm that he revived a ten year old judgment. I remembered immediately that his co-council at the time had filed that motion. I tell him that. He responds with, no he did it on 2014 and I did in 2023 or 2024. I spent those years treating for cancer so I immediately panic! I searched the file and lo and behold, I was correct. I forward him the documents. But, the damage to my nervous system was already done.

Today, we are exchanging inserts for pto in a fed. ct. matter with oppo counsel. We included tax returns. They reply saying that they have moved them to the objected stack because they were never produced in discovery responses. Once again, my nervous system goes haywire, adrenaline pumping, heart beating, upset stomach, sweating, mind racing, doubting myself. I found the email where we provided the taxes in discovery responses, it had been sent to current opposing counsel’s predecessor, and we direct them to it. They respond acknowledging that they were indeed received “but never made it into the file”. But, again, my body is already in panic mode.

I can’t take much more of this. I have been doing this for 25 years. I’m burnt out.

My boss announced that he is retiring in December and I will be jobless. At this moment, it doesn’t sound so bad.

S10 E10 “Cabin Fever”

This is the ONLY perpetrator for which I have felt any sympathy. Horrific events, but I can see how they snapped.

TL; DR My sole practitioner boss is retiring and closing the law firm in 6 months. Do I use retirement funds and pay all CC debt and the SBA hurricane disaster loan now so that come January my only debt will be the mortgage? I’m aware of tax implications.

Post:

I have worked for P., a solo law practitioner for the past ten years. Prior to that, I worked for J. a different sole practitioner who upon deciding to leave the law, got me the job with P. Prior to that, I worked for M. who managed a small three lawyer firm, one of those lawyers was J. and when he decided to go out on his own, J. invited me to go work for him. All of three set up retirement plans for me. I am fortunate.

I am now 54. I will be 55 in October.

In 2023, two major things happened. I spent the year treating for bilateral breast cancer and P. told me that he head a seven year plan for retirement. That plan would have brought us to 2030, which is only two year from early retirement for me.

In the past year, I have noticed that P. has been absent from the office. I noticed it but wasn’t overtly concerned since we continue to work as usual, plus these days so much is done electronically that the need for him to be present in the office has greatly diminished. In the back of my mind, I have wondered if something is going on with him or his wife medically that has kept him away. I have wondered but haven’t been concerned.

Late last week. P. calls me and in passing mentions his “semi retirement” and a “Defined Benefit Plan / Cash Balance Plan” that needs to rolled over into a retirement plan of my own.

It occurred to me that it was his convoluted way of telling me that his retirement had been moved forward. So, I ask him and he tells me that he expects to close the office at the end of 2026. His files will go to C., another sole practitioner that has been co-counsel in some of our cases. He mentions that C. is interested in keeping me on.

This took completely by surprise! First, P.’s retirement plan has been shortened by four years and in the past week I have seen C. on multiple occasions and not once has he said that he wants to hire me. Plus, C.’s office is larger and he has an associate, a secretary, a paralegal and a medical paralegal. Meanwhile, P. had me doing all of those jobs. I just don’t see C. needing me.

All that to get to my predicament. I am 55, acknowledging age discrimination exists has me frozen like a deer in the headlights and terrified that come January I will be out of a job with looming financial responsibilities.

Do I withdraw retirement funds and pay all CC debt and the SBA Hurricane disaster loan now so that come January my only debt will be the mortgage?

I have been a legal assistant for 30 years. I have worked for three different lawyers. My first legal job was as a receptionist in Ohio, which I left when I moved to Louisiana. I landed the first legal assistant job, back in the days when you could find a job from an ad in the newspaper, at a small law firm looking for a bilingual secretary. I got the second job because an associate at my first job went out on his own and asked me to come along. Risky, but it worked for ten years, until he had a mental breakdown and left the state and law altogether. Before he left, he found me a job with my current employer, also a sole practitioner. All three employers have been fair, respectful, successful, excellent lawyers.

I had one interview in 1996 and it lead me three jobs, two of I didn't seek but were offered to me.

I’m an immigrant without a college degree but was blessed with an intuitive and productive mind and was fortunate that each of my employers taught me a lot and turned me into a skilled and knowledgeable legal assistant. I have worked hard to learn and to do my job as best as I can. I take pride in my work. I can handle a file from beginning to end. I can work a file from initial interview through settlement and/or trial. Because I have worked for sole practitioners, I have also handled various office administrative duties, such as basic bookkeeping, maintaining equipment and supplies, basic IT, keeping track of bar dues and CLEs.

In 2023, I was diagnosed with synchronous bilateral breast cancer (++-, ILC and IDC, Stage IIB). Several years prior to that, I was diagnosed with cPTSD, GAD, PTSD and MDD. At the time of my breast cancer diagnosis, I was in the middle of a depressive episode. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise because the depression didn’t allow me to feel fear about the cancer. I am now NED.

Also in 2023, my boss told me he had a seven year plan to retire. That would put us into 2030, which is only a few years before early retirement age for me. Last year, he informed me of his decision to enroll co-counsel from another law firm in the bigger cases, and we have been working with that attorney for the past year.

I have not been thinking much about his retirement date, but in the past year, I noticed that he has been spending an exorbitant amount of time away from the office (part of me suspected that he may have health issues), but I wasn’t alarmed because we continue to work as usual. These since so much is completed via electronic means, he doesn't need to spend time in the office like before.

This past week, my boss called me to talk about “good news and bad news” and about his "semi-retirement" and a “cash balance plan” that needed to be distributed. He spoke to me about the plan, the distribution, my choices, and the forms. He sent me the forms that I needed to read, fill-out and submit to the plan administrator.

Afterwards, I began thinking about it and it occurred to me that it was his convoluted way of telling me that his retirement date was moved up. So, I called him and asked him, “Does this mean I won’t have a job in a year, in two years, in? three years?” He proceeds to tell me that he expects to stop working by the end of the year.

I won’t have a job in six months!

I immediately spiraled. I am 55, and there is age discrimination. I don’t have the oomph, drive, energy, passion or education to compete in the job market. I feel that right now my physical appearance is not pleasant or attractive. I don't present well because post cancer I stopped caring about my appearance. The job market sucks right now.

I haven't had to interview since 1996! How do I prepare for an interview?

Admittedly, my office hasn't kept up with the latest and greatest in legal office technology. My boss is pretty old school. So, how do I make my resume shine when it will show as cursive, not computer font?

The job I found in 1996 was from a newspaper ad. How do people find jobs these days?

A large part of me wants to go into a completely different field, but it still needs to be enough to keep a roof over my head and food on the table, but I don't know what I could do. How do I switch to a different industry? I would be happy working for the parks and recreation if I knew that it would pay the bills.

Will I ever find a job?!

I have been a legal assistant for 30 years. I have worked for three different lawyers. I landed the first job, back in the days when you could find a job from an ad in the newspaper, at a small law firm looking for a bilingual secretary. I got the second job because an associate at my first office went out on his own and asked me to come along. Risky, but it worked for ten years, until he had a mental breakdown and left the state and law altogether. Before he left, he found me a job with my current employer, also a sole practitioner. I had one interview in 1996 and it landed me three jobs. All three employers have taught me a lot and have been considerate, fair and respectful.

I’m an immigrant without a college degree but was blessed with an intuitive and productive mind and was fortune that each of the jobs basically landed on my lap land. I worked hard to learn and do my job as best as I could. I took pride in my work. I can handle a file from beginning to end. I earned enough to buy a house and live comfortably.

In 2023, I was diagnosed with synchronous bilateral breast cancer (++-, ILC and IDC, Stage IIB). Several years prior to that, I was diagnosed with cPTSD, GAD, PTSD and MDD. At the time of my breast cancer diagnosis, I was in the middle of a depressive episode. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise because the depression didn’t allow me to feel fear about the cancer.

In 2023, my boss told me he had a seven year plan to retire. That would put us into 2030, which is only a few years before early retirement age for me. Last year, he informed me of his decision to enroll co-counsel from another law firm in the bigger cases, and we have been working with that attorney for the past year.

I have not been thinking much about his retirement date, but in the past year, I noticed that he has been spending an exorbitant amount of time away from the office (part of me suspected that he may have health issues), but I wasn’t alarmed because we continue to work as usual.

Today, my boss called me to talk about “good news and bad news” and about his "semi-retirement" and a “cash balance plan” that needed to be distributed. He spoke to me about the plan, the distribution,the choices, and the forms. He sent me the forms that I needed to read, fill-out and submit to the plan administrator.

Afterwards, I began thinking about it and realized that it was his convoluted way of telling me that his retirement date was moved up. So, I called him. I asked him, “Does this mean I won’t have a job in a year, in two years, in three years?” He proceeds to tell me that he plans to stop working at the end of the year.

I won’t have a job in six months!

I immediately spiraled. I am 55, and there is age discrimination. I am not mentally nor physically well. I don’t have the oomph, drive, energy, passion or education to compete in the job market. My physical appearance is not pleasant or attractive. I’m burned out. No one will want to hire me. The job market sucks right now. I will never find a job!

I have financial responsibilities. Do I sell everything and live in the car? Do I head east to CA to my sister’s place or north to OH to my brother’s place? Anywhere I go, I will be a burden and I don’t want to burden anyone.

My life has gone from not great , but relatively calm, to disastrous in the blink of an eye.

I suspect that soon I’ll be told that the cancer has metastasized.

I am so very scared and tired.

First, I am not dead nor knowingly dying, but this writing with include mention of depression and dying so I followed the rules and chose the death/dying flair.

When I was diagnosed with synchronous bilateral breast cancer (++-, ILC and IDC, Stage IIB) January of 2023, I was in the middle of a depressive episode. As the doctor spoke to be about numbers and percentages and life expectancy, the depression did not allow me to feel fear, all that the depression allowed me to feel was disappointment. My biggest disappointment upon being told that the biopsies came back positive for invasive lobular carcinoma and invasive ductal carcinoma was that it was “early stage” and curable. And as he proceeded to tell me about available treatments, surgery, reconstruction, and hormone therapy, my mind wondered off.

“What if,” I interrupted him, “I chose to not do anything?”

“Then it will spread,” he said.

I considered doing nothing, until I fell into the untreated breast cancer rabbit hole and discovered fungating breast cancer tumors. They looked terribly painful and I loathe pain.

I underwent a bilateral mastectomy with aesthetic flat closure. I can’t remember how many lymph nodes they removed but they all came back positive. Oncotype Score determined that I would not benefit from chemo. So, radiation was recommended. I also saw a great psychologist at the cancer center and a fantastic occupational therapist.

I had few side-effects to the radiation, most notably the severe burns to my chest, armpits, and clavicle. I felt the most vulnerable at radiation, lying prone half naked, having to hold my breath while radiation beams went to war against cancer cells. I even cried once telling the tech that I hated radiation because it was a constant reminder of the cancer, every day for 30 days, he told me to think of it as healing/fighting the cancer. He was kind. In fact, every medical professional I encountered was kind.

I refused hormone therapy.

My health insurance through work is a high deductible policy, so active and follow-up treatment in 2023 and 2024 left me with $16,000 out-of-pocket responsibility. (Keep in mind that the $16K is on top of regular debt incurred in daily life. I still needed to pay the mortgage, insurance, costs of daily living). Because I am above the poverty level for a single person, I didn’t qualify for any assistance. I managed to pay all of the medical debt at the end of 2025, but I was left with medical financial anxiety. I have refused to see any doctors in 2025 and 2026.

I visited family this past weekend and lots of photos were taken and I was appalled by how terrible I look these days! Maybe it’s the depression talking, but I am ugly, hideous, unkempt, and unattractive. With my wavy, long, salt and pepper hair, I look like Medusa. At least before cancer, I had some sense of self love and made an effort with my appearance. These days, I don’t try and it shows.

For the past eight months, I have had ongoing bilateral hip pain, I also have pain in my left armpit, pain in my right shoulder, none of which are relieved with OTC medicine, plus severe swelling in my neck. I haven’t cared enough to go see a doctor. I have anxiety and paralyzing fear of medical bills and I have relapsed into another episode of MDD which are keeping me from seeking a diagnosis. Breast cancer feels like another miserable chapter in my pathetic life.

After exhausting travel delays overnight, I returned home from visiting my sisters and their families in California. I used to visit four-six time’s a year, but I had not visited in two years because the thought of traveling feels exhausting. I love my sisters and their families and, for the most part, I like them as people. They have been begging me to visit and they are good hosts. Being the youngest, my sisters do spoil me with meals and small gifts.

But, during the trip, at multiple times, I felt an overwhelming sense of melancholy. A darkness in the deep of my soul that makes me want to cease to exist. I don’t know why it kept happening. I used to have episodes of the same dreadful melancolía regularly but they had become almost non existan the past year so I was surprised when they kept happening during the five days I spent with family.

I hope it stops now that I’m back home.

January of 2023, I was diagnosed with synchronous bilateral breast cancer. I was facing strenuous medical treatment, trying to work, and desperate to keep my chronically ill dog despite the financial hardship due to the cost of the medical treatment and my high deductible health insurance plan through work.

I swallowed my pride and set up my own GoFund pleading help to be able to feed my dog and to get him his medicine and special needs foods.

I shared it with everyone I know, most of whom I have known for over 25 years.

Not one contributed. Not a single person I know donated not even a dollar.

The only contributions I got were from my sister’s friends and co-workers.

It was an eye opening moment. It made me see how shallow and false my life has been. How I had failed to build any real friendships or connections. That I was truly alone.

Why did no one help me?

Maybe, you think, she’s a horrible person. I don’t believe so. I have held the same job for 30 years. I bought a home by myself. I keep my house clean. I do my work diligently. I have cared well for my pets. I am respectful of others. I have volunteered teaching English as a second language to immigrants for decades. I am respectful of the law. I mow my own lawn. I drive a 2007 Toyota and I am mindful of regular maintenance. I see my dentist twice a year. I do the thank you wave when drivers let me pass. I enjoy a good laugh. I plant plants native to my area for beneficial animals and don’t use pesticides.

I’m not close to people. I have always struggled with building deep, close relationships. I have never married. I have never lived with anyone. Now that my body is scarred, butchered and battered, I don’t expect anyone to desire me or love me.

In the last year my cousin died and my brother’s father has been diagnosed with aggressive metastatic cancer. Upon hearing each of those news, all I could think of is why them and why not me? I would gladly give up my life for them, because they both have rich, meaningful full lives.

When I was told that I have cancer, I didn’t panic, I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t worried. I was relieved and hoped it would be in late stage because I had no desire to fight to keep living. Just my luck, it was stage 2. Ugh!

My life isn’t good. My health is bad. I don’t have any good social relationships. The mental health has been failing for decades. My dog died in 2024. I have nothing that gives me purpose and meaning. I’m financially unstable. My once strong faith is gone. I’m exhausted. Nothing gives me joy.

This is part of why I want to my life to end. I look forward to it being over.

“Thank you for being a loyal customer for over 29 years.”

That’s what I read each time I open the Verizon app, and it’s beginning to irk me!

I have been a Verizon customer for close to 30 years. I have lived in my house for 20 years. Verizon has been reliable during those years, until about a month ago.

At home, and only at home, service is inconsistent: calls drop, don’t connect or callers can’t hear me or I can’t hear them. I noticed that I only have one or two bars when I’m home.

So, I did a little reading and tried switching to airplane mode and back, nothing. I turned the phone off and back on, no improvement. I reset the phone network, that didn’t fix it. I even switched the phone to WiFi calling, to no avail!

I called and I got some guy from only God knows where asking me a list of idiotic questions until I totally lost my cool and finally asked him, can you help me or not?! He claimed that there was a service disruption in my area but they had fixed it. I knew that was B.S.

I called again yesterday but didn’t have the patience to get past the AI voice.

I called again today and after getting past the AI “ASSistant” I immediately told the rep what I had already done, that I have called and all for nothing. She claimed to check my device and that she was able to see that I have been having trouble. She said she would get me a signal booster, that it should help.

I’m willing to try it, but my family in California had similar issues, the booster was no help, and they ended up leaving Verizon.

I’m so very disappointed that after decades of exemplary service, Verizon has declined. What would cause loss of signal strength? Google says that 5G is known for limited coverage, signal interference and network congestion, slow data, draining battery, dropped calls, weak indoor reception.

I’ve read the canon several times over the years. Today, I lost electricity at home due to a thunderstorm so I pulled out the old canon, falling apart from decades of use, and began reading A Study in Scarlet out loud to keep me busy, but mostly to calm my nervous pup.

When I got to the part where Holmes and Watson disclose each others’ “shortcomings” and Watson says, “I keep a bull pup,” I was surprised!

I came here to look at other mentions of Watson’s “bull pup” and found only one prior discussion from three years ago with comments turned off.

That three year old discussion was interesting. A poster pointed out that “bull pup” may refer to a bad temper. That makes the most sense to me because to my (feeble) recollection, the only other dogs mentioned are Mrs. Hudson’s ailing dog and Toby the mongrel. Although, I never thought of Watson as ill tempered.

Another posted said that it probably was a dog but questioned why he called it a “pup”. As a long time dog owner, I can verify that I call all my dogs pups, even as seniors.

Google says that it refers to a revolver or an actual dog, but not to a bad temper.