u/Aromatic_Guidance687

First off this going to be long

So maybe I cling to you because I'm scared. I know I've said this before but fear of stepping forward for me is the fucking terrifying. I know jail. I know homelessness. I know addiction. I know I made it out the halfway house sober but that wasn't my goal. I still had a deep hatred of myself. Thats why I ended up in that hotel room. I wasnt done destroying myself. That hatred that need to destroy myself that desire to be in the streets all the toxic behaviors kept my alive. The worst parts of who I am for the most part kept me alive.

You sparked this change. Honestly I started it for you. You seeing me made me see me as I've said before. After that first moment with you I knew something shifted and there was no going back. The fear also began. I'm sure for everyone the unknown is daunting. For me stepping away from what I've always known, no matter how fucking dark and ugly it became was never a option.

So in a sense your the last part of that life. Your not of that part thats not what I'm saying. Your a bridge in a metaphoric sense way. To me you represent my way across to the other side. The things I've learned about me and this existence would need a whole notebook to convey. Thats a whole seperate story. Anyways...

I cling to you because I'm afraid to complete this cycle. I know I have no option but to cross. Thats if I dont want to die. Yet I've stayed locked in place desperately clinging to the rails. Being resistant and stubborn angry at myself for stalling. Angry at you because you wont hold my hand... but you cant. I have to do this myself for now. Until I do this I wont be able to be anything to anyone. My life is just starting. Things are still not settled. So if your gone in the way you were before then thats how things are I cant change that. But you did your job. You gave me the love I needed to start the process of loving myself.

So for that I love you. I hold you closer than anyone and your place in my heart cant ever be replaced and that part will never leave me. Like you said when people come together they leave with a part of each other. What you gave me is so beautiful and special. I cherish it and look back on it probably more than I should. What I gave you I've never shared with anyone. You will always be special and will always be one of the people I love the most here. Your favorite person on this planet but I need to let other people in. I'm learning to be open and loving to all who deserve my energy.

Thank you 🔮. This isnt good bye but I need to use this separation to ground myself and establish myself the person I am. You've seen more of that man then I have. So once again thank you. I truly do love you and its more then in a romantic way you saved my life.. I will repay you by being the person you know I can actually become

Im a week from completing a 30 day program and was accepted to a sober living house upon completion. I still have my job. The real work is about to begin I know its not easy but im ready this time...

Just a random thought about amazing small girl on a beautiful bday...