u/Astar099

Diagnosed with ADHD and traits of Borderline personality.

I want to sit down and read or write or think about ideas or scenarios or a conflict dialogues or something.

But I feel very empty right now.

Feel understimulated or no stimulation even after methylphenidate instant release.

I feel like i just wanna keep smoking a cigg.

Or something that just makes me feel my body has some sort of a sensation left.

I know what I want to do but i can’t do it.

I wanna open up my mac book do research write something but i feel no sadness not happy.

Neutral doesn’t even feel neutral.

It feels Im in a thick FOG and i can see the light but im not able to walk towards it.

What can I do ?

Is it unusual or am I just going from something?

**desperately want a change in my internal state, but nothing I can think of seems capable of producing it.”**
You want to read → don’t want to read.
You want to write → don’t want to write.
You want to go out → don’t want to leave the bed.
You want stimulation → nothing seems stimulating enough.
You want to smoke → you’re not even really craving cigarettes.
You want to sleep → but sleep feels like just another way of making the day disappear.
And underneath it is:
**“I want that alive feeling back.”**

Emptiness of life

Diagnosed with ADHD and traits of Borderline personality.

I want to sit down and read or write or think about ideas or scenarios or a conflict dialogues or something.

But I feel very empty right now.

Feel understimulated or no stimulation even after methylphenidate instant release.

I feel like i just wanna keep smoking a cigg.

Or something that just makes me feel my body has some sort of a sensation left.

I know what I want to do but i can’t do it.

I wanna open up my mac book do research write something but i feel no sadness not happy.

Neutral doesn’t even feel neutral.

It feels Im in a thick FOG and i can see the light but im not able to walk towards it.

What can I do ?

Is it unusual or am I just going from something?

**desperately want a change in my internal state, but nothing I can think of seems capable of producing it.”**
You want to read → don’t want to read.
You want to write → don’t want to write.
You want to go out → don’t want to leave the bed.
You want stimulation → nothing seems stimulating enough.
You want to smoke → you’re not even really craving cigarettes.
You want to sleep → but sleep feels like just another way of making the day disappear.
And underneath it is:
“I want that alive feeling back.”

So entries for the last 2 nights:
On Saturday until 3:am I was on a depressive mood.

I cried for everything I have went through , thoughts Non-Suicidal Self harm were pushing me at any given time I would have acted upon that impulse.

Yesterday night again until 3 a.m I was watching reels and laughing crazily.

Uncontrollable laughter almost made me had breathing and chest pressure enough to cause anxiety.
Couldn’t stop myself the laughter.

Im worried about these heavy mood swings like some weird unexplained swings.

Hey everyone,
I’m an aspiring filmmaker and I’m trying to build a consistent reading habit. Instead of reading only screenwriting books, I want to read stories that completely change the way I think about storytelling.

I’m looking for books under \*\*200 pages\*\* that are:
Underrated or lesser-known gems
Fiction or non-fiction (both work)

Mystery, psychological, surreal, unsettling, or emotionally powerful

Non-linear, unconventional, or the kind of story that lingers in your mind for days

The kind of book that makes you stop and think, \*“How did the author even come up with this?”\*

I love films with an A24 vibe, as well as directors like Christopher Nolan, David Fincher, Denis Villeneuve, Bong Joon Ho, and Park Chan-wook.

So anything with layered storytelling, tension, unreliable narrators, moral ambiguity, or unique structure would be perfect.

I’ve already read or own books like \*Chess Story\*, \*The Driver’s Seat\*, and \*Animal Farm\*, so I’m hoping to discover some hidden gems beyond the usual recommendations.

What are the best books under 200 pages that absolutely blew your mind?
Thanks in advance!

Hey everyone,
I’m an aspiring filmmaker and I’m trying to build a consistent reading habit. Instead of reading only screenwriting books, I want to read stories that completely change the way I think about storytelling.

I’m looking for books under **200 pages** that are:
Underrated or lesser-known gems
Fiction or non-fiction (both work)

Mystery, psychological, surreal, unsettling, or emotionally powerful

Non-linear, unconventional, or the kind of story that lingers in your mind for days

The kind of book that makes you stop and think, *“How did the author even come up with this?”*

I love films with an A24 vibe, as well as directors like Christopher Nolan, David Fincher, Denis Villeneuve, Bong Joon Ho, and Park Chan-wook.

So anything with layered storytelling, tension, unreliable narrators, moral ambiguity, or unique structure would be perfect.

I’ve already read or own books like *Chess Story*, *The Driver’s Seat*, and *Animal Farm*, so I’m hoping to discover some hidden gems beyond the usual recommendations.

What are the best books under 200 pages that absolutely blew your mind?
Thanks in advance!

Hey everyone,
I’m an aspiring filmmaker and I’m trying to build a consistent reading habit. Instead of reading only screenwriting books, I want to read stories that completely change the way I think about storytelling.

I’m looking for books under **200 pages** that are:
Underrated or lesser-known gems
Fiction or non-fiction (both work)

Mystery, psychological, surreal, unsettling, or emotionally powerful

Non-linear, unconventional, or the kind of story that lingers in your mind for days

The kind of book that makes you stop and think, *“How did the author even come up with this?”*

I love films with an A24 vibe, as well as directors like Christopher Nolan, David Fincher, Denis Villeneuve, Bong Joon Ho, and Park Chan-wook.

So anything with layered storytelling, tension, unreliable narrators, moral ambiguity, or unique structure would be perfect.

I’ve already read or own books like *Chess Story*, *The Driver’s Seat*, and *Animal Farm*, so I’m hoping to discover some hidden gems beyond the usual recommendations.

What are the best books under 200 pages that absolutely blew your mind?
Thanks in advance!

Hey everyone,
I’m an aspiring filmmaker and I’m trying to build a consistent reading habit. Instead of reading only screenwriting books, I want to read stories that completely change the way I think about storytelling.

I’m looking for books under 200 pages that are:
Underrated or lesser-known gems
Fiction or non-fiction (both work)

Mystery, psychological, surreal, unsettling, or emotionally powerful

Non-linear, unconventional, or the kind of story that lingers in your mind for days

The kind of book that makes you stop and think, “How did the author even come up with this?”

I love films with an A24 vibe, as well as directors like Christopher Nolan, David Fincher, Denis Villeneuve, Bong Joon Ho, and Park Chan-wook.

So anything with layered storytelling, tension, unreliable narrators, moral ambiguity, or unique structure would be perfect.

I’ve already read or own books like Chess Story, The Driver’s Seat, and Animal Farm, so I’m hoping to discover some hidden gems beyond the usual recommendations.

What are the best books under 200 pages that absolutely blew your mind?
Thanks in advance!

I don’t know if anyone else relates to this, but I feel like I’m fooling myself sometimes.

The book I bought is literally right in front of me, and I have zero motivation to even touch it, let alone read it.

I made a list of movies I “should” watch if I want to become a filmmaker, but I can’t even get through them.

Some are stuck at 3 minutes, some at 10 or 12 minutes, and I just stop.

Today the weather was actually nice enough to go out for an exposure, but even that felt like too much effort because it felt like there was no reward waiting for me.

I think that’s what I’m craving more than anything right now—a reward, some human connection, something to look forward to.

A loving husband (my type is basically someone who looks like Nick Robinson or Bach Buquen ), (also Im gay) a close group of friends, just… my own people.

The weird part is that when I do end up around a group of people, I either talk way too much or barely speak at all. There doesn’t seem to be a middle ground.

Sometimes I wonder if I ever really wanted to become a filmmaker, or if part of that dream was because I imagined it could eventually lead me to a life where I’d meet the kind of people I connect with and maybe even find a partner.

I honestly don’t know anymore.

Lately I mostly just want to lie in bed with the AC on, watch TV, sleep, and avoid everything.

It’s like my brain wants comfort but doesn’t want to do anything that could actually move my life forward.

Has anyone else with ADHD gone through something like this? Where you don’t just struggle to do things—you struggle to even want to do them?

I am weiting this while i am travelling and to basically reduce idk my symptoms of anticipatory anxiety. Tightness in chest shaking thumbs dread feeling of death you name it i am going through it in low but you never know one little hitch and i am done. I am on stimulants as well as ssri. I also have adhd.
So lets see.

2nd june 2025 I had a panic attack in the middle of the road. I was recovering well from agoraphobia.

Since that day to this day i cannot go alone very far from my home.

I am in complete blank face misery.

I can go to gym but that’s kind of my limit.

Im always on edge.

Since that day. So just want to celebrate the anniversary of gods punishment for some sought of an unknown SIN that i am paying the price of.

Thank You!! 🙏

Looking to connect with people from West Delhi who are into filmmaking/writing/acting/editing or literally any creative role. Nothing professional or big-budget, just want to start making short films, experiment with ideas, learn by doing and gain experience with people equally interested.

If you’ve been wanting to create something but never really started, maybe this is the sign. DM if interested.

I have and being treated for

Gerd

Ibs

Agoraphobia

Panic disorder (last panic attack june 2025)

Adhd(untreated)

ODD

Have been now on the edge of losing hope tbvh.

I dont seem to able to get my dysfunctional body in control.

Like im sedated barely do anything watch tv all day.

my doctor a really good do but his process is not getting me any closer to being atleast working to earn money enough to survive without my parents.

I am very tired out of reality.

Making and living in fictional scenarios, talking , reacting and finding comfort almost every second l am awake for literally years.

Because if which never had relationships, have no friends , no job skills, nothing.

People who tell that i have ADHD just either brush it off by saying you should know whats your priority and you will be focusing on it. Or that i should do yoga , meditation and my adhd in their terms would vanish.

Or panic attack is nothing more than just you being not thinking about your parents and should get married. Blah blah blah.

Its like the want me to use a croissant as dildo and pretend i like it and ignore how much of a mess it leaves and still doesn’t do the job!!

I have and being treated for

Gerd

Ibs

Agoraphobia

Panic disorder (last panic attack june 2025)

Adhd(untreated)

ODD

Have been now on the edge of losing hope tbvh.

I dont seem to able to get my dysfunctional body in control.

Like im sedated barely do anything watch tv all day.

my doctor a really good kne but his process is not getting me any closer to being atleast working to earn money enough to survive without my parents.

I am very tired out of reality.

Making and living in fictional scenarios, talking , reacting and finding comfort almost every second l am awake for literally years.

Because if which never had relationships, have no friends , no job skills, nothing.

People who tell that i have ADHD just either brush it off by saying you should know whats your priority and you will be focusing on it. Or that i should do yoga , meditation and my adhd in their terms would vanish.

Or panic attack is nothing more than just you being not thinking about your parents and should get married. Blah blah blah.

Its like the want me to use a ccroissant as dildo and pretend i like it and ignore how much of a mess it leaves and still doesn’t do the job!!