u/AstralWeekss

But I’ve been up since 5 (its now 8). Stage 3 ER+ when I 28, now 34. Yesterday I noticed my oncologist changed my appointment summary from “follow up - start tamoxifen” (which I never did, for too many reasons to explain here and all I regret) to now “problem”. I was supposed to get my results via portal earlier this week, but they have been held by my oncologist until I see him.

Mid April I weighed 186. Today I weigh 168. I haven’t tried at all, and my diets actually been worse than usual as I just started a new job. Every other day I feel like I have a stomach virus, I’ve vomited more in the past 3 months than I have in my entire life (and I’m a recovering alcoholic!). My DHEAS and testosterone were significantly high on my last blood test.

My husband tells me stress can do many things to my body and I’m holding onto that. But my hands are still sweating and I can tell from my breathing I’m panicking.

I know there are many of you who know exactly how this feels, and I think that’s why my brain made me run here. Because goddamnit, this sucks! This sucks so bad. I am so upset at myself, at my luck. No one else in my family for GENERATIONS has had cancer. I want to stomp my feet, I want to shout, I want to cry.

I know the results arent here, and Im getting ahead of myself, but Ive already been told *something* is wrong - cancer or not. I was just about to start a huge career journey that could lead me to a place I’ve been working towards for the past 18 years. There’s been so much pain and sorrow, loss, in my life. I just was hoping I was finally getting a break.

Sorry for rambling, I know so many are struggling. Thank anyone who gave me their time. If you have the space for me in your heart today, I will happily nestle up. Wish me luck.

My doctor sent my blood work out to a second lab for another test and said nothing is confirmed yet, but I know what they say about secondary locations. I texted you yesterday but you never responded, just sent some money and left me on read. It’s helpful, because I haven’t been able to work. I still can’t pay rent, but I rather figure it out somehow than ask you.

You didn’t visit me at all the first time I had cancer. You didn’t even call. Four texts in 8 months. I know you said it’s because you don’t want to drive into the city but I moved closer to you so maybe you’d want to see me more. It’s only a 30 min drive now, opposed to the hour before. New Jersey to New York, I thought it would be easy. But you still aren’t visiting, and you still aren’t calling or texting. You send me pictures when you go visit my cousins in states hours away, sometimes cross country, the cousins you don’t want to know me because I remind you of my mother. You send me pictures of the family events I don’t get invited to. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like I belonged in a family. I dont think Ive felt like I’ve belonged anywhere at all.

I still tell everyone you’re my hero. I still talk about you all the time. I tell people that you always used to tell me to go off the path on our hikes, so we could see the real magic, and that’s how I look at life now. I recall the food we’d eat, the trips, the excitement you’d have to see me. I think you really did love me once. I wish you could love me now, because I’m scared. I haven’t spoken to mom in 2 years, I kept working even though I was sick and I’m gonna start working again as soon as the tests are done sick or not. And I have a 3.8 GPA, even with all the appointments! I’m not weak, I can push through. I can be someone you would be proud of. I’m gonna beat this again if I have to, and then you can say your daughter is a two time cancer survivor! Im not gonna give up on you, Dad.

I know this sub is generally not to write to your actual Dad, but I needed to get it out. Im stuck at home with nothing but my grievances. Thank you for giving me a space to let it go.