Providing essential needs is required,
..to be able for anything else.
Proper response to and for those around us,
..should come next.
But does any more really compel us,
..before we get to what’s third –
…How much have we been mistaken?
…And what’s really true?
I have never joined any group or taken vows. ( Except marriage) Though I majored in engineering, and made a living in it. But family tragedies exposed the peripheral nature of that, and the need for something deeper and more comprehensive about life, which engineering didn’t begin to approach. That drew me to religion, philosophy, and psychology - and in the midst of that, meditation - but without a teacher.
I came to several notions about technique, and one day, sat cross legged to begin. I sat for two hours. And then, two hours every day for years, and still now, after more than 50 years, I meditate more than two hours every day.
Instead of a beginning, it seems like I was just continuing what I had done - as in a previous life. But who knows.
Early on, I did work specifically with two different group - with each for about five years. But no vows, no exclusivity.
And it feels like that was just right for me. In fact, in the explosion between my parents, which has forever burdened us all in my family, I was two years old, and have my first memory. Lying in my crib, I felt I would much be alone in my life. And it has worked out - with more depth than I would have had from more pleasant origins.
Now it seems there are benefits and burdens of a solitary path. Instead of the support of a vast and unified tradition, I have the utter simplicity of my own little way. And instead of following dictates, it feels to me that the development and stages of meditation are intrinsically and deeply part of human nature. And my study could never integrate all the disparate voices of the authors, yet insights in meditation, and dwelling with patience (paramita 3), gradually integrates my mind, in sufficient space, where many thoughts of others lie just speckled about.
But, God only knows, what I’d be, without meditation.
So I still just feel no other path could have worked better for me.
But I remain very interested in others experience of the benefits and obstacles of following in a group or tradition, versus the different degrees of a solitary path (some elements of which seem inescapable).
Where it begins
Lying down at the start of the day,
..I move towards stillness,
..which deepens.
Then, several moments feel like the start of the universe,
..opening from space,
..to a fresh new light.
This new space,
..just waiting now –
Nothing has happened yet,
..little arising,
..apart from the breath.
..Which is given to me,
..in each moment,
..without my any effort –
..immeasurable generosity toward me,
….from out of where?
Then, I check the metaphor ,
..“ Like the start of the universe”…
..And it feels an underestimate –
Though I could be wrong…
We all know, that with the concept of God, he is infinite.
But humans have done so very poorly handling the notion of God, that it has much receded in most places. And that’s a problem. Because it seems, reality truly is infinite!
And if that’s the case, there is a dimension of the infinite with all things, like we are surrounded in a sacred element. But there is so little recognition of that, in our bumbling around - we miss the reverence appropriate to the remarkable presence of each thing.
And this comes back to haunt us, as we overlook so much of everything we are involved with, leaving much of our engagements unfinished in some degree, incompletely seen and understood.
And that is the source of much that continuously runs in our heads - the need to complete what is unfinished. Reality does not let us just ignore it, and leave it behind. The nature of being, and of ourselves, carries a momentum towards fullness and completeness. That is the irritating quality to us of the jumble in our minds. We can’t get away from it. We can’t get away from the fullness that we are meant to be. It is haunting us, till we deal properly with it…
So, instead of beginning, some new complexity, that we may not finish properly, meditation is a bare simple practice, that we can repeatedly return to. And simultaneously, in that simplicity, we may open the possibility to resolve some of the unfinished energies that we carry in our minds.
Of course, my outlook may seem odd…
Over 50 years ago, I was a student, 4.0, both graduate and undergraduate engineering, married to a girl from my high school class, following along from what I saw around me.
But what was starting to show, horrors, leading to three sibling suicides (and later 2 nephews), and the question about all of it everywhere!
Today, I have a profound isolation. Cancer treatment, over 10 years ago, leaves my body old and frail, and restricts me, with its needs for care, from little apart from that care, that I quietly carry out at home.
My wife’s death, six years ago, and my best friend and neighbor death recently, are further profound and stark losses.
Yet, I may never have been happier than right now!
Often, when not just meeting needs, I lie in meditation. And this stillness, quiets the little turmoils in my body happening much of the other times. And commonly, I lie completely fulfilled, moments of freedom from past suffering and errors, and a bigger space, than around me I was ever told of.
So, back when there was only question that arose to me, Cat Stevens sang a song, and I could sing the lines with him, and did, and mean it personally more than most anything else I could say. The words stood as true!
If they were right,
I’d agree,
but it’s them they know not me, now,
there’s a way,
and I know,
that I have to go away!
I know,
I have to go….
I’ve had a deeply personal connection with bowling for more than 65 years (Meditation only about 55 years).
While meditating following breath this morning, a full and intimate image of me bowling arose suddenly, with a particular focus on the armswing, including the feel of it. And the connection is immediately visible to me.
In bowling, characteristics of the armswing are critical - Precise and steady awareness of the motion, yet simultaneously loose.
So too, meditation, precise and steady awareness of the swing of the breath, in and out, yet simultaneously loose.
Cultivating a fullness, completeness, and openness, toward harmony
And this morning, meditation was especially inspiring.
Over 50 years ago, I was a student, 4.0, both graduate and undergraduate engineering, married to a girl from my high school class, following along from what I saw around me.
But what was starting to show, horrors, leading to three sibling suicides (and later 2 nephews), and the question about all of it everywhere!
Today, I have a profound isolation. Cancer treatment, over 10 years ago, leaves my body old and frail, and restricts me, with its needs for care, from little apart from that care, that I quietly carry out at home.
My wife’s death, six years ago, and my best friend and neighbor death recently, are further profound and stark losses.
Yet, I may never have been happier than right now!
Often, when not just meeting needs, I lie in meditation. And this stillness, quiets the little turmoils in my body happening much of the other times. And commonly, I lie completely fulfilled, moments of freedom from past suffering and errors, and a bigger space, than around me I was ever told of.
So, back when there was only question that arose to me, Cat Stevens sang a song, and I could sing the lines with him, and did, and mean it personally more than most anything else I could say. The words stood as true!
If they were right,
I’d agree,
but it’s them they know not me, now,
there’s a way,
and I know,
that I have to go away!
I know,
I have to go….
In 2020, I found Barb slumped on the desk, and could not wake her.
Her final minutes at home were very awkward - Medical people handling her body, police looking if I had done this - Then she left the house, this last time.
At the hospital, she was lying in an enclosed space, where I could be alone with her. I took off my shoes, and lay against her, gently, touching, hugging a little - She still, and breathing. The life in her body connected me with all we had done together, side-by-side, her body still alive. This unmoving body had been so capable, so multi skillful. Her breathing body was an overwhelming symbol of so much - Me and Barb, all around and about, leaving many many traces, in countless ways.
Later that night, at home, she was gone, and the space she left was enormous, the light in the room, emphasizing the emptiness of that space. I sat in infinity - Her absence stretching every direction without boundary. I was tiny in the space. She was truly infinite….
That moment lying against her, came to me, with great depth and detail, just now, because I didn’t see enough then …
We don’t grasp the magnitude of some things as they happen. We miss details, depth, and extent. And that leaves a continuing momentum of the vitality that we still carry, without full awareness.
But then some moments, when we aren’t engaged, a momentum will arise into thought, toward completing the meaning of unfinished energy in our mind.
Like the meaning of that extraordinary moment of being with Barb, in that small hospital space, her body still breathing. My mind flashed that to me. I needed to see it again.
That was the moment I died, and my next life began!
We are all positively directed and infinite.
..Also, continuously propelled to see that.
But there’s a lot we don’t see,
..so, at times, not see the right way to go.
And things get screwed up.
..Then, we are obliged to fix that,
..even after long delay,
as we continue to be pushed,
..toward the infinite and positive.
“ Dust in the wind”
“ All we are, is dust in the wind.”
The transitory nature of the present condition of things.
Yet,
..we are much, much more than dust in the wind!
Our dust, has become aware of our being,
..the reality of us, and of all that there is,
..truly exist in the midst of the infinite.
And when we catch a glimpse of the heart of our being,
..it stretches across the eternal –
..The eternal runs right through us!
Being that always is, was, and will be,
..is what we are made of.
And we can see it here, now,
..if we look and reach deep enough.
And know, we are not just dust in the wind…
Geronimo heard the “ Creator Spirit” assure him that he would not die from any gunshot. He then fought in battle accordingly many times, fiercely, and with great effect!
He died at age 79 from pneumonia, with 50 bullet and buck shot scars on his body.
I interpret the communication as sacred in origin, a religious event, revelation from a transcendent reality. US soldiers have been inspired to shout, Geronimo, in the midst of battle.
Is there really any “more suitable” explanation?
Over 50 years ago, I was a student, 4.0, both graduate and undergraduate engineering, married to a girl from my high school class, following along from what I saw around me.
But what was starting to show, horrors, leading to three sibling suicides (and later 2 nephews), and the question about all of it everywhere!
Today, I have a profound isolation. Cancer treatment, over 10 years ago, leaves my body old and frail, and restricts me, with its needs for care, from little apart from that care, that I quietly carry out at home.
My wife’s death, six years ago, and my best friend and neighbor death recently, are further profound and stark losses.
Yet, I may never have been happier than right now!
Often, when not just meeting needs, I lie in meditation. And this stillness, quiets the little turmoils in my body happening much of the other times. And commonly, I lie completely fulfilled, moments of freedom from past suffering and errors, and a bigger space, than around me I was ever told of.
And I have felt unfathomable help, all along, from far beyond myself, in response to really trying to find my way.
So, back when there was only question that arose to me, Cat Stevens sang a song, and I could sing the lines with him, and did, and mean it personally more than most anything else I could say. The words stood as true!
If they were right,
I’d agree,
but it’s them they know not me, now,
there’s a way,
and I know,
that I have to go away!
I know,
I have to go….
Over 50 years ago, I was a student, 4.0, both graduate and undergraduate engineering, married to a girl from my high school class, following along from what I saw around me.
But what was starting to show, horrors, leading to three sibling suicides (and later 2 nephews), and the question about all of it everywhere!
Today, I have a profound isolation. Cancer treatment, over 10 years ago, leaves my body old and frail, and restricts me, with its needs for care, from little apart from that care, that I quietly carry out at home.
My wife’s death, six years ago, and my best friend and neighbor death recently, are further profound and stark losses.
Yet, I may never have been happier than right now!
Often, when not just meeting needs, I lie in meditation. And this stillness, quiets the little turmoils in my body happening much of the other times. And commonly, I lie completely fulfilled, moments of freedom from past suffering and errors, and a bigger space, than around me I was ever told of.
So, back when there was only question that arose to me, Cat Stevens sang a song, and I could sing the lines with him, and did, and mean it personally more than most anything else I could say. The words stood as true!
If they were right,
I’d agree,
but it’s them they know not me, now,
there’s a way,
and I know,
that I have to go away!
I know,
I have to go….
Over 50 years ago, I was a student, 4.0, both graduate and undergraduate engineering, married to a girl from my high school class, following along from what I saw around me.
But what was starting to show, horrors, leading to three sibling suicides (and later 2 nephews), and the question about all of it everywhere!
Today, I have a profound isolation. Cancer treatment, over 10 years ago, leaves my body old and frail, and restricts me, with its needs for care, from little apart from that care, that I quietly carry out at home.
My wife’s death, six years ago, and my best friend and neighbor death recently, are further profound and stark losses.
Yet, I may never have been happier than right now!
Often, when not just meeting needs, I lie in meditation. And this stillness, quiets the little turmoils in my body happening much of the other times. And commonly, I lie completely fulfilled, moments of freedom from past suffering and errors, and a bigger space, than around me I was ever told of.
So, back when there was only question that arose to me, Cat Stevens sang a song, and I could sing the lines with him, and did, and mean it personally more than most anything else I could say. The words stood as true!
If they were right,
I’d agree,
but it’s them they know not me, now,
there’s a way,
and I know,
that I have to go away!
I know,
I have to go….
This is an update of an old teaching, that is the most helpful thing I have learned in my last 50 years.
There is an innate pattern of stages (S) to how we carry through an engagement to proper completion. Thus we have all gone through this many, many times - just doing things - not always to satisfaction. But it is helpful to know where we are along the way, and not feel uncertainty for what we are doing. So here is a brief map:
(S1) A space of openness. (S2) Something arises to us in that space, and engages us in the specifics and distinct form and dynamics requiring its particular discipline. (S3) But with our incomplete vision of this, there is uncertainty and irritation, requiring patience to continue, and not just abandon the discipline toward this development. (S4) Then something clicks, and starts to carry us forward along the energy of this process. (S5) Carried into the fullness of this, we come to connection, even being one with the process, and absorption with it - Meditation. (S6) Now, with nothing obscuring the process, with no filters, we see clearly and know what is here, that we are following Insight.
openness, discipline, patience, energy, meditation, insight
This sequence of development happens repeatedly for all of us, whether toward material (as to build something), intellectual, or outcome in relationships. And it is very helpful to recognize the stages and the pattern. What's going on, and where am I.
But everyone has also failed to carry through 1 to 6. Stage 3 is critical!! Patience. When something is uncertain and irritating, there are tendencies to grab ahead, to push away, or to ignore. Each of these loses the path forward, without maturing. We don’t finish something properly (or at all). In contrast, development stays with what is really there, and not by your manipulations that you wish will fit. Not from want, don't want, won’t look.
At one time, some changes brought me to a simpler, quieter life, and I felt the poor condition of my body. Living close to Jamaica Pond, I decided to start jogging around the pond, about 1 and 1/2 miles. There being some freedom and openness (Openness), the condition of my body and a discipline (jogging) arose (Discipline). How it would go, I wasn't sure - uncertainty.
First time, I had some physical soreness, and also unused to the breathing or a rhythm for it - and general uncertainty. How would that soreness develop further, would I make it around (Discipline)? I did not know. But I did complete the loop (Patience ). And I returned (Patience). And returned.
During one time, a good way from the end of the loop, I knew I would finish, period. My energy, and the energy of the surrounding I was now familiar with, had a flow that would carry me through to completion (Energy). That flow toward completion expanded (Energy). I came to know earlier, then earlier. More and more I became familiar with the surroundings and my routine; more and more familiar, and in touch with my body and surroundings (Meditation ).
I came to generally know the feeling of my body and each part of the trail (Knowledge/Insight). Aware of many details in form and feel, the whole of it became intimately familiar.
It is common to stick a bit at discipline and patience, with uncertainty that we will complete this - so a risk to step away, and not finish, or force an outcome that doesn’t really fit. But with patience, an energy enters to carry us over the hump. Then, possibly, deeper connection and clarity to the finish.
And the whole structure of this process is in our favor. It is innately part of the nature of things, and always has been.
There is much here for further discussion…
Exquisite comfort,
..sitting down in the sun
..on my second floor deck.
Gradually, I distinguish calls of four bird species –
..Much talk going on.
Now, couldn’t adjust temp any better.
And a bumblebee pauses in air by my eyes.
..An impressive insect,
..bulky body, short wings.
He jerks back-and-forth,
..and further, right and left,
..which picks up what he needs,
..and speeds off to the right.
Immediately, a crow swings eye level,
..less than 20 feet by,
..the black glistens from its feathers,
..as I see how very big he is
..compared with other yard birds,
..banked for his turn past me
..gracefully arcing the corner of the house.
….Marvelous everyday sight …
24 years ago, I climbed those trees,
..and told Barb, “ The view is great!”,
..as I now see harbor and bay
..from across those tree tops.
And marvel at how life happens,
..and treats me so well…
….Yet,
a while later, I feel
..what an incredible mess people have made…
At times, in the present, most has been resolved.
..Immediate needs are met,
..and one elects to not take up another thing,
..except, perhaps among the simplest things
….the breath, as an aid.
Then, just to settle,
..and with good fortune, one is pretty still.
..No tension in the body,
..can be entirely left alone.
The trickier mind, from practice,
..gradually lets go of its threads,
..knowing those objects are less than their absence,
….so much less…
Then, the mind can just be there,
..where the wisdom of following the breath is revealed,
..for all else still, that pulse and rhythm is there,
..that action is present, entirely without effort or strain;
..and all else can be so as well –
..life being given at each moment.
No need to twitch a muscle,
..no merit to turn a single thought,
..every spot and direction of space is deeper, greater,
..than all the occupied moments –
This secret now revealed,
….Utterly natural to our being…