im still affected by the grooming i experienced 5 yrs ago
First of all, trigger warnings: child grooming, SA, fetishisation of my experiences. I also want to make it clear i am aware my sexualising of this is wrong and shouldn’t be acted upon.
I was groomed and inappropriately touched by at 33 yr old trans woman when i was 15 yrs old.
To this day i have sexual fantasies about things she has done to me and have desires of her doing worse things to me. As well as me craving her being still in my life.
She was very kinky and sexual in nature. She’d tell me about her going to kinky sex clubs and her hook ups. She was also very romantic towards me. I would get jealous of her hooking up with others. I formed a huge crush in her. And i could tell she had feelings for me too, but she wasnt 100% sure if she should acted on it.
I loved when she would act on my kinks. Like calling me a good girl and pulling on my collar. I also love when she showed me her kink gear, which i wish she had used on me. The strong smell of balloons of her latex suit still lingers in my head. The smell of balloons turns me on bc of this.
She’d inappropriately touch me in public. I remember her pulling me on her lap in a park, i felt her getting hard as she rubbed my inn er thigh, inly a hair away from my crotch. And i loved it.
She also once made sexual gestures to me when i was in my knees, like pushing my head as if i was sucking her off.
She was extremely affectionate and horny towards me, which i never experienced such desire toward me before. I clinged onto her really hard. But at a point it was like a switch in her head went on and she came to her senses that was feeling and doing was wrong, so she broke all contact with me. I was heart broken and in extreme distress. And honestly I feel disgusting saying this, but i wish she did more to me.
Her grooming made me think this was ok and i still to this day wished she went through with it and had sex with me. I have a huge thing for older trans woman now. Now and then i think of this and get aroused by the thought or being groomed and SA’d. I feel disgusted at my sel, but i still desire it.
Im not sure what to do about these feelings, or how to talk about it with anyone irl. No one irl knows this ever happened, i just cant get the words out of my mouth. Im also afraid people think im disgusting for finding this experience desirable.
Anyone know how to deal with this?
I also would like to know other peoples thoughts on this experience if mine and my feelings towards it.