u/Barbecuequeen23

Hello,

My fiancé and I met last January and things were really good. I'm not going to go into a whole spiel about every great thing/memory, I'll just point out a few things.

When we first met I was still living with my parents and working as a social worker, and I told him this literally in the first 10 minutes of us meeting, and he laughed and said "why would I care about that?" so that was out of the way.

I was not very experienced in dating, as I experienced some sexual trauma as a teenager and felt very uncomfortable through all of college to date. Our relationship was incredible for a while. He brought me on beautiful dates and treated me like a princess in every way. Even my friends were jealous of the amazing man I found. I was and still am very in love with him. He was very traditional, unlike me. Told me he thought a stay at home mom is the best gift on Earth. He wants to be a provider. All that stuff.

I saw subtle signs, like him making fun of his mother for being "broke" after the divorce (she was a SAHM, and left her husband because he became addicted to drugs even though he provided for the family). She doesn't have much money but divorced once the kids turned 18 because she was unhappy with the drug use. My fiancé would say she did nothing when he was a kid, and I'd point out "she took care of you, that's something".

My fiancé makes $130k per year and I was making $50k as a social worker. In July, he brought me to Tiffany to look at rings and I found one I loved. It was the smallest diamond (0.4 carats) and I don't love the sensation of jewelry on my skin, and I just loved it. For months he would hint at it as if he bought me that ring to propose to me.

We also started looking at houses and found a beautiful house. The problem was because we lived in opposite directions, the house was at the mid-point making my commute about 45 minutes and his about an hour. It was the perfect house for us. 400k with a $180k yearly income. A gorgeous pool, a fence, not the greatest neighborhood looking back but that's okay. Our offer was accepted in under 24 hours and we moved in a month later.
Shortly after, he proposed and I felt deep disappointment. He did not get the ring I chose, which was okay but I was confused about all of the hints leading up. Additionally, he proposed in a super public setting with no photographer. The only picture I got was a random lady who took a photo on her phone. I was confused about this as well since in the past he had asked me what my dream engagement would be, and I said somewhere private with just a photographer to capture the moment. It was like he did the opposite. I almost cried on the car ride home.

After we moved in, I had a bad encounter at work (was working with felons, we were short staffed, i was working 16 hour days). I resisted the urge to leave despite things getting bad. One of my coworkers had recently been followed home by a client. My fiancé promised me if I quit we'd be okay financially, and I did with the intention of finding another job ASAP.

Well, as soon as I got home, he began to yell at me everyday. He would yell at me about the commute, about his back hurting from driving, about how I sit around all day and do nothing. He began to make fat jokes at me (for reference I am 5'3 and 99 pounds). I started becoming so stressed I'd get hives everyday. I began asking him on dates and he'd decline. I began buying groceries on my credit card since I felt too ashamed to ask for money or use my savings.

His solution to all of this was to then get a dog. A very sweet dog, who got me through my depression. Then, he went online and applied for me to get a job at his company and I got the job in February. It's a finance job and I have a psychology degree, but I've done okay at it. The building I work in is 30 minutes from his though, so now we're both in the car for 3 hours a day. That means the dog is also alone from 7 am to 7 pm. I get up at 5 am for some peace and to unload the dishwasher and lay with her because I miss her so deeply. She cries everyday. My mom, comes to check on her everyday and I appreciate it. It's exhausting though. I still am preparing all the meals and doing 80% of the cleaning. I have to beg him and nag him for any help.

Now I'm making $60k a year but I am still miserable. He wants me to quit again but I've become acclimated to the misery. Additionally, my family cannot help pay for a wedding and I've asked him to please stop nagging it's unfair to them. I'd rather elope than make them feel guilty for not having the money.

He never wants to go on dates with me. The other day I packed my things and tried to leave, cried in the bed for hours and he told me i was hot and we had sex. Why does he want to have sex when I'm crying and saying I want to go to a hotel for the night? Why doesn't he just want to go out with me? I told him even though he wants a stay at home wife he can't afford one. He says we can, if I basically just give up every joy. He told me we could trade in MY car for a Tesla to make his drive better, and I could take HIS car (less safe model, i dont feel comfortable driving it). He brought me an itemized list of every cent I spent on groceries last month and Amazon purchases and I gave him an itemized breakdown. It was all cleaning items, dog food, period products for me. The only thing I bought myself was one sweater. He told me I can cut out the energy drinks I told him no way, I'm on 4 hours of sleep I'll fall asleep at my desk without one. He asked me why I spent $3 at Chick Fil A multiple times before work (I drank lemonade). I don't think I should feel guilty for buying laundry detergent and getting myself a lemonade once a week before my 12 hour day. I told him why would I trade being miserable and having money, with being miserable and not being allowed to buy myself a coffee or an energy drink? It's not fair considering the groceries on the joint account are for both of us, and he's a foot taller than me so eats way more calories than me at 99 lbs.

I don't know what to do. I've been avoiding my family and friends.

TLDR: my fiancé changed when we bought a home together and now wants me to quit my job and is complaining about every penny i spend. he finds me pretty when i'm crying hysterically.

Hi there,
My (27F) fiance (30M) and I have been together for a little under a year and a half. We own a beautiful home together and were planning on eloping, then family wanted to pay for a wedding, now doesn't seem like that's happening so back to elopement we go. We had a beautiful and loving relationship and for the past few months things went South, I don't even know what's happening. I don't want to get too deep into how amazing things once were as it wouldn't really help to explain here.

When we moved into the house we had two incomes- he works a good finance job making about 125k per year, and I worked in social work making 50k. The work for me was very dangerous, draining, and my clients were starting to become really violent. He stated he could take care of me if I left, and while I was hesitant, I made the decision to quit after I had a violent encounter with a client and knew it was time to go.

One thing I want to mention is the house is about an hour from my fiance's office, and we had initially chosen this spot with my old job in mind since we worked in different counties. Adjusting from a 15 minute commute to an hour each way was hard for him, and when I first left my job he came home everyday in an angry mood because of it. He would yell at me, tell me I never try to do anything, and made me feel so bad. I spent my time home trying so hard to be good for him, making him meals every night and leaving the house clean. He also decided to get a puppy during this time, and while I didn't want a puppy her and I bonded heavily. I also want to mention that even though he was paying the mortgage and utilities, I was paying for my car and groceries and was worried about my savings going down. Eventually we combined and it made things easier since I didn't have to use savings anymore.

About 3 months later, he put in a referral for me at his company and I ended up landing a job there. Problem is, I'm in a different office that's an additional 30 minutes further than his. This totals a minimum 3 hour commute per day. I was really nervous to start but thought maybe he'd stop being mean to me if I got a job again. The dog was also being left alone a lot more and her behavior has been terrible. She's only 5 lbs, but literally cries the entire day except for when my mom comes to pet-sit her for an hour or two each day.

Within a few days of me starting he told me he hated this arrangement and that he wanted me to quit. I told him we need the money (I make 55k, not much but still) and he started becoming agitated that I'd imply he can't take care of me when he can pay all the bills. What really got me agitated is that I still do all the household chores, and that I didn't even want a dog and then bonded so heavily with her, to now never get to see her. I wake up at 5 am every day, empty the dishwasher, feed the dog, then get ready for work. We commute together, leave at 7, get home between 7 and 7:30 pm. He goes to the gym and I stay back with the dog. I can't even go to the gym anymore he will guilt me for leaving her and the dog hates me now except for on the weekends.

I shower, cook dinner, and fall asleep- usually crying. My boss is also a lot stricter than his as I'm in a lower position. For example, I was 5 minutes late once due to traffic, called in advance, and got written up. She's even criticized me for using the bathroom too frequently (I have kidney disease) so I had to give her accommodation paperwork filled out from my doctor to shut her up. I'm very irritable at home, if I drive by myself that day (fiance gets to occasionally work from home) I cry the whole way home. I do so much laundry and cleaning, life doesn't even feel real.

All my fiance and I do is fight where he tells me to quit and I say no I'm not blowing through my savings to pay my car. He says if I'm worried about insurance we need to get married at the courthouse next week. We are like roommates, barely ever sex anymore, last weekend I slept in the guest room I was so tired of fighting over this. He says I'm choosing work over my family but I'm scared to struggle financially. I told him I can't quit, I'm scared he'll do what he did before, come home every day berating me about job applications.

Another thing, he never defends me. I'm a different ethnicity than him and last weekend his sister was on the phone and made a racist joke about my ethnicity. She didn't know I could hear her. He didn't even correct her. I went to bed without saying a word to him. He also kept making fat jokes and recently stopped after I told him I'm down to 99 pounds now, since I'm too depressed to eat much anymore.
How do we overcome these issues? Thank you.

TLDR: I started a new job with a very long commute, now my partner and I are barely home and when we are home we are just arguing because he thinks me quitting my job is for the best.