Zdravo, iščem psihoterapevta v Lj, ki je dejansko izkušen in sposoben. Konkretno imam probleme z mejno osebnostno motnjo in mogoče še čim drugim (komplicirano). Bila sem že pri preveč kratkomalo nesposobnih terapevtih. Če kdo pozna koga res dobrega bi bila hvaležna za informacijo. Lepo prosim nobenih spiritualnih terapevtov.
I'm in the process of designing my new living room. I asked ai to put together some furniture and decor I liked online with furniture I already have. This is what my future living room would look like. I was going for a cozy, kinda 70s or nostalgic (but not extremely so) vibe.
I quite like the result. What do you think? :)
Also, my bookshelf is similar to that in the picture but it's asymmetrical. Tv cabinet will not be the same but it will have similar vibe.
Edit: I've never decorated a room before so I was just wondering if there's something seriously wrong with it. My mom doesn't like it so I'm asking for second opinion lol.
Some heavy themes ahead, just a warning.
Got the idea when I was kinda r*ped at 19 and then offered money if I let him finish. At least I think it's where I got the idea.
Two years after this I first started actually having sex for money to pay for my vacation (Legal in my country btw). Had a panic attack over it just before vacation so I didn't even end up going. After that I got kinda desentisized to it.
Then I was doing it during my first real loving relationship in a few "waves". First wave it really was just for money. Felt gross and guilty after a while, confessed, was sure I'd never do it again. After a year I had another wave, still kind of for money too but not really. I really just felt like I NEEDED to do it. Again I felt guilty, stopped for a year and then again, not at all for money this time. It became obvious it was never really for money, just a weird NEED I can't explain and don't understand.
I'm not a cheater by nature I think. I believe in self control and devotion but in my case I feel it really could not have been avoided. I don't even have an official diagnosis but I'm suspecting sex addiction.
What the fuck makes us like this? Uncontrollable.
Edit: I don't even know if I should eventually, through therapy, try to forgive myself.. or if what I've done is so bad I don't deserve any kind of forgiveness, not even from myself. It's so confusing.
I've created a drinking game for watching Nana! Here are the rules.
Drink everytime:
- Nana K gets a crush
- someone cheats
- Junko is judging Nana K
- Vivienna Westwood appearance
- someone gets drunk
- Takumi does something sociopathic
- Nana K's phone rings
- someone joins or leaves a band
- Yasu helps someone
Comment stuff to add if you want :)
I love him and I know he loves me but sometimes I wonder if I have this illness partly because of him.
When I was 12 and already depressed he told me his life went to shit since he married my mom and had me. I've heard it many times since then. Also I've heard many times that he said he'd marry my mom only if she promised they'd never have kids. He made her sign a fucking contract. In my head this is so much worse than a condom breaking. I'm worse than a mistake, I'm a product of my mom's manipulation and my existance ruined his life. I don't even remember ever calling him "dad". He said I used to call him that when I was very small and he cringed everytime so I stopped. When I had anorexia he said it was a manipulation tactic. I weighted 38kg at above average height.
I only wrote some of the worst things now and he's pretty nice most of the time but I very obviously at least have daddy issues.
My (27f) dad (66) and mom have been separated for cca 8 years (just when I started college). Their relationship wasn't good for many years before that. I won't get into details about that. I visit my dad every weekend and on more than half of those weekend he vents to me about my mom (saying she never loved him, was just using him for my benefit, she's a psychopath, etc.). I've been listening to this for years.
When he speaks I usually don't say much, only listen. Partly because I also have mental health problems and I'm not feeling good enough to talk about that stuff, and partly because I simply don't feel comfortable. My dad and I never had many emotional talks, he was kind of emotionally inconsistent when I was a kid/teenager to the point that I stopped calling him "dad" when I was too small to remember. I also genuinely never got the feeling there was anything I could say that would make him feel better (if I disagreed he'd be angry, if I comforted him it'd feel sappy or maybe make him sadder). Sometimes when he's feeling very bad he'll even say stuff like "I'm just pretending that I have a family, I don't have your mom and I don't have you". I cannot be quiet when I hear this. I tell him that's not true, that he does have me as best as I can without sounding too emotional. Sometimes if I'm already having a bad mental health day I cry after he vents, out of pity for him (not in front if him). It can be draining.
Not long ago we were talking over the phone and he accused me of not caring or talking to him when he vents. I explained I genuinely never felt like he wanted me to have a conversation with him about it (which is not the full reason) but that I always listen. To that he said "everyone would want a conversation". I guess that's true, but I really wouldn't know what to say. During that phone call he told me I simply don't care. I'm usually not argumentative with my dad but this pissed me off. I reminded him that I've been feeling extremely bad for the past two months and that's why I'm not responding better. For the first time in my life I also told him that while he was having bad days during my childhood he didn't respond correctly to me either. To that he said something like "I've never been like that for two months straight" and I said "not responding properly to a child for two months straight would be much worse than what I'm currently doing". I don't exactly remember how the conversation ended but it wasn't good.
Basically I feel like an asshole for not being able to show support in the ways he needs but at the same time I have my reasons. Maybe they aren't good enough and I'm just a selfish person.
Edit: I should mention that he is there for me if I'm feeling really bad and mention it. It's not huge but he lets me know he cares. When he vents it's angry/deppressed venting and I kinda feel verbally hostage because I don't wanna agree with him that mom is the only one responsible for failed marriage, so the most I feel comfortable saying is "I'm really sorry".
I used to be an artist. Drew every day since I could hold a pencil. Got into art school. Guess what, I didn't finish it. I lost all motivation and interest in anything that isn't sexual. I feel like sex is all I have. I feel like I'd be a nice and interesting person if it weren't for all my problems. I feel like sex is always in the background, all the time, during everything I do (which isn't much). I'm pretty sick of it. I obsess over it. I want release from it. I want a normal fucking life and some peace. Instead I'm dealing with aftermath of my serial cheating, retroactive jealousy of my bf's sexual past, and constant sexual thoughts. I want peace so badly. Just a day would be great. I start crying whenever I think of how badly I want just one day of peace from all of it.
There are so many sports days and not a single art day. Also in art class, most teachers grade you based on how hard you tried, not based on talent. At gym you're graded based on numbers (how fast you are, etc.) There's a limit to how well I can do at sports which won't change no matter how hard I try. Doesn't seem fair.
Edit: I see from the comments that schools elsewhere in the world are vastly different. I genuinely wasn't aware of this. Where I'm from, you get your grade in gym class based on numbers. How fast you run, how high you can jump... It's good to hear this isn't the case everywhere.
It's been getting much worse lately. I'm actually on a waiting list for a hospital that deals with personality disorders. I'm not sure when I'll get in though.
I'm kind of in a crisis period maybe. I've had three pretty extreme breakdowns in the past 1.5 months. I've been feeling consistently very bad for the past 2 month in one way or another. I'm afraid it will never get better, even if I start seriously working on myself in the hospital and with therapy later. The way I've been for the past years is no way to live and if treatment won't work I think I'll simply give up on myself completely.
I have a history of self harm. Last time I had to go to the er to get stiched up was 2 months ago. Lately I'm having thoughts about doing something again. I call them flashes because I'm not seriously considering it but I do sometimes fantasize about it. Sometimes I'll google about overdose on various meds that I have at home or google wrist anatomy. I don't want to go to a shrink or psychiatric emergency room because what are they gonna do? I already have meds (which I'm not taking for very specific and hard to describe reasons) and I'm already waiting to get into a hospital.
I have nowhere else to share but here, because I have no friends and I don't wanna additionally worry my boyfriend and parents (they're already extremely worried).
Sorry for any grammar mistakes, eng is not my native language.