u/Belle_Juive

I almost ordered food today and then I didn't because of how outrageous the price was. This made me realise that I almost never order food anymore because of how enraging I find all those hidden fees, and that I've probably lost weight because of it. And who could be behind a secret plot to force me to lose weight? That's right, only my mother.

I am not sure how she's doing it, but I do know that no one else could be this motivated to stop me eating pizza. It doesn't make sense that delivery companies are doing this on purpose, because they have to be losing business over it. I believe that all of our critical and overbearing mothers are secretly getting together to hijack our delivery apps in order to try and engineer us into getting slim and producing grandkids. It's the only rational explanation.

Doctors will tell you never to stick a cotton bud in your ear, but the real reason they do this is reverse psychology. They know that everything feels more satisfying to do when you know you're not supposed to. Cotton bud companies are probably paying doctors trillions in advertising money every year, just to make you feel like a naughty, cheeky little gremlin when you abuse their products like they're ear-snorted cocaine.

I've had people tell me that Hendo's is like vegan wooster sauce and that it adds a spicy kick to beans on toast.

Well I bought a bottle and that's when I discovered the conspiratorial web of lies. Hendo's tastes like nothing, you can achieve more with a splash of balsamic and a sprinkle of chilli flakes.

Since I cannot figure out who is buying let alone making this, what I am forced to conclude is that the entire city of Sheffield and its surrounding relish lore is fictional. In all likelihood Sheffield is a nuclear black site, but to stop people from getting too suspicious they bottle some dirty water that serves to cover up paper trails concerning any resource imports and human capital. I bet that if you were to inspect every shipping crate that comes in/out of Sheffield full of orange-labelled bottles and black piss, and just take off the top layer of product/supplies, what you would find underneath is enriched uranium and incendiary materials. But obviously no one would do that because nobody actually wants Hendo's.

I hope I'm right, because if I'm wrong, the truth has to be much darker. They may be experimenting on humans or trafficking sheep or doing something equally sinister to explain this mass coverup. But I know something's up and I won't be silent, Hendo's is a lie.

I find her testimony powerful and her strength inspiring.

Nobody wants to admit it, but we all really love war. War is super duper fun. War inspires us all to exercise and get in touch with our instincts, it provides unbeatable diet motivation, we get to cheer for a team, and there's usually parades with music and colours and lots of sexy mascots. There's always something to watch on the telly when there's a war going on, and something to talk about over drinks and dinner.

Unfortunately in 1945, the party pooper UN showed up and said alright, no more war, you've all had enough. Apparently they just felt we couldn't be responsible adults with our wars any longer, because of this whole business with the nuclear bombs and people getting carried away.

But no one in their right mind would ever just give up on war without some kind of fun alternative, so ever since they've been forcing football propaganda down our throats, which is basically Diet War. You get to keep the fancy coloured banners and the uniforms and the sexy mascots and cheering for a team, and there's usually even just a splash of racism and physical altercation to keep things spicy. But you can't win a football match with a nuclear bomb, so they've ultimately defanged us.

Now normally I'd end one of these posts with something like "wake up sheeple" but honestly I think we should stay sleeping on this one, maybe it's for the best that this big anti-war conspiracy is forcing balls down our throats.

Iykyk this has always been an unofficially British sub. But lately we are getting flooded with posts about American culture using all kinds of weird terms like "European" like that's a single unified country/culture, because everyone knows the only countries Americans have ever heard of are Africa, Europe, Asia, and Mexico.

I have two theories for why this is happening:

1. The CIA is threatened by the existence of a corner on the internet that isn't culturally American, so hijacking this subreddit is a way to extend soft power
2. Posters have gotten too close to uncovering the truth with our low stakes conspiracy theories, so now they're trying to flood the sub with low quality high stakes conspiracy theories, in order to reduce signal to noise ratio.

All I can say is we have to keep digging, because clearly if we have the attention of the CIA we are close to a breakthrough. I suspect it was probably one of the theories about toothpaste that made them nervous.

You get one month a year to get all your gay out. And then you're done. No more gay until next year.

I realise it doesn't work like that, but the straights behind this devious masterplan thought it might. It is basically a month long Purge, but just for homosexual activity. If it works for school summer vacations, why not for gay?

When a new prime minister takes office, they become privy to the state's most classified secrets. And Britain's most closely guarded secret? The true purpose of Count Binface.

Count Binface has been standing for election in the UK, in some form or another, since the early 80s. Formerly as Lord Buckethead, and prior to that as a member of the Official Monster Raving Looney Party. An ordinary person would've gotten bored of the joke by now or simply gotten old, but not Binface, AKA Buckethead. This is because his consistent participation in UK elections is a well-funded matter of national security.

By ensuring Britons always have a protest vote available, and a well-connected voice for the disenfranchised who openly lampoons our politicians on mainstream media channels, our secret service keeps the peace, and prevents our political climate from becoming overly polarised. Unlike with what's happening in America, we have all signed a collective pact to never take politics too seriously here.

But moreover, Binface's antics allow him the perfect excuse to always be up on stage with the Prime Minister, and/or Mayor of London, during high-profile elections where they would have to be exposed. And he does it masked and costumed, which means he could easily be hiding weapons, a bullet-proof vest, and be scanning the crowd for threats in plain sight, without anyone being any wiser.

Have you noticed that none of the politicians Binface lampoons have ever criticised him, nor called for him to be taken off the air and stop being fed so much attention? That's because they're in cahoots. He also serves to further split the vote of any actual looney fringe parties, ensuring a more stable government run by mainstream politicians.

Binface. I am onto you. Your promise to nationalise Adele won't stop me from speaking truth to power. (Because I prefer Amy Winehouse, z"l.)

In recent years there's been a growing trend of right-wing politicians pushing back on the legal right to a no-fault divorce. For those unaware of the law and its history, before its implementation, divorce could only be granted through proof of fault, such as adultery or cruelty. This turned divorce into ugly, drawn-out legal battles that frequently employed the use of underhanded means, such as the hiring of private investigators to stalk one's spouse and try to dig up any dirt that could be used against them in court. Whereas now in civilised countries, you don't need to drag your ex's name through the mud in a court of law, you can just say, "this isn't working out, let's call it quits." Which is always better for any children involved, who needn't be caught in the middle, not to mention the adults in an unhappy marriage. Sometimes there doesn't need to be a villain for two people to realise they just aren't a good fit.

So I have been observing with what started as amusement, rose to interest, and is now turning to concern, as a growing number of conservative politicians, and I have noticed mostly men, call into question the legal right to no-fault divorce. Now, I am personally as much a believer in the sanctity of marriage as the next person. My parents have never been divorced, and I also hope to never be divorced. I take my monogamous romantic commitments very seriously, and won't be married until I'm as sure as I reasonably can be that this is my one person for life. I believe I have already found this person, and we have discussed marriage, but even so we're slow-rolling it and plan to get a prenup, because we love and respect each other enough to say that if anything goes wrong, we don't want to have to fight about it, or part as enemies. And go figure that both prenups and the legality of no-fault divorce statistically reduce the likelihood that a couple will get divorced. Maybe not feeling trapped, or like you have to hide knives behind each others' backs, makes for happier marriages?

So even as someone madly in love with my (hopefully) life partner, I cannot imagine ever wanting to force someone to stay married if they don't want to be there. I recall one trad conservative influencer very publicly got divorced by his wife, and then made a video saying that "unfortunately" it's legal for her to do that, and that if it were up to him it wouldn't be. Like ... what????

Having now listened to a good number of these talking heads talking nonsense, I think I'm finally starting to realise who exactly this sort of political messaging is aimed at: unhappily unmarried men. It's men who got married the traditional way, by taking a woman to the movies, periodically buying her flowers, and eventually a ring. Then proceeded to put their feet up for the rest of their marriage, while she bore the babies, handled all the housework, and essentially became a live-in slave. I've seen this story play out so many times. And then they are shocked, shocked when she realises this is a raw deal and served him papers. Turns out you can't just buy a person for life for a bit of compressed carbon. Sorry, it doesn't work like that. If you believe that marriage is important and sacred, then you have to put in the work every day to ensure your spouse is as happy as can be staying right there with you; at the very least, not so unhappy that they realise they're better off without the dead weight. This is like saying you believe in a Protestant work ethic, and then getting upset you were fired for not doing your job, because by your reasoning it's important for people to be employed. If it's important, then do your job.

These men feel cheated somehow, even though it is they who have cheated their wives by deceiving them into the promise of a life partnership that stopped being a two-way street just as soon as the honeymoon was done, and sometimes even earlier. They feel entitled to a wife for life, and want to deprive her of the right to walk away if the terms are no longer serving her. This behaviour is as insane to me as it is grotesque.

So that's my rant. IDL that we now have an entire voting bloc that politicians are trying to pander to, that consists entirely of entitled, disgruntled divorcees, who take so little accountability for the dissolution of their marriages that they think the real problem with it is that it was legal for her to leave. Pathetic.

I don’t mean they say shocking/offensive things for attention, that’s sort of obvious and part of their job.

I mean that I think a lot of times when you go online and hear some comedian is being CaNcElLeD!!1 for being too brave and outrageous, the cancellation is actually being intentionally done by the comedian on anonymous/alt accounts/bots. Like they will go to a vegan subreddit or something, and post their own routine mocking vegans, pretending to be a shocked/offended vegan. When in reality nobody has ever heard of this lame joker and they’re only now getting attention because they were allegedly cancelled by vegans, who are actually their own alt account.

Everyone knows that tall men earn more. And you know who benefits from not using the metric system? That's right, tall men. The 1% is systemically oppressing short kings, and most of you don't realise it.

Under the metric system, I can't really tell what counts as a truly tall man. Most men are in the 170s-180s range, and a few cm difference as a third digit doesn't sound like much. So I can't easily discriminate against short kings on a dating app, because I can't easily visualise just how short they are.

But the imperial system is a small numbers game, which makes the cutoff of 6'0 or taller a round and easy arbitrary number to remember. An inch is bigger than a cm, so a few inches give/take feels like a much bigger deal than a few cm.

This means the richest 1%, who are mostly tall men, can easily segregate the poorest 99%, who are less likely to be tall, from the dating market. If everyone adopted the metric system, this would be much harder to do. And that's why Americans care way more about height.

In fact, I'm not American, and one of the only contexts in which I ever hear people using feet+inches is male height in a dating context. This is American propaganda making its way to us. Literally American Imperialism.

Workers/Incels of the world unite! Adopt the metric system and maybe you'll get laid.

I'm just wondering if anyone else feels the same way I do about this phrase. A common refrain we hear after antisemitic attacks, including the latest one in Golders Green, where well-meaning people, positioning themselves as allies, condemn antisemitism by saying that Israel's actions don't justify violence against random Jews.

First of all I think that's kind of obvious. I have many criticisms about the Chinese government's handling of human rights issues, but I don't go vandalising or burning a random Chinese restaurant in London about it. I know nothing about the politics of a random Chinese person I've just met, and I have no reason to assume they support the CCP.

But even if I did happen to know they support the CCP, I still wouldn't in any way, shape or form, think this justifies them being harassed at their place of work, attacked, raped or killed?

This type of condemnation of antisemitism often seems to actually be about creating acceptable targets, and scolding those who don't choose prudently enough. Like I guess if Essa Suleiman had first stopped to converse with the Jews he stabbed, and gotten a verbal confirmation that they identify as Zionist or are even pro-Bibi, then his crime wouldn't truly be a hate crime after all?

The second issue is that while I'm no Bibist, and have ample criticisms of my own against the Israeli government, this rhetoric often ignores that the Israel-Hamas war is itself a product of antisemitism. Hamas didn't invade and massacre Kibbutzbiks on the border because their victims were "genociding Palestinians". These were communities of Israel's biggest Leftists and peace activists. They did it because those people were Jews. And their leadership has vowed again and again to repeat such attacks until every last Jew is dead. How are Jews supposed to respond to that? Are British Jews innocent, unacceptable targets because they lack state power to take action for themselves, and so can simply lay down and die? Whereas Israeli Jews are sinners because they have guns and a military with which to defend themselves from those who've made clear they want to kill them?

What is happening in the UK right now is like a proto-Hamas movement. We're not quite at the level of bus bombings, but we have a subset of the population that wants to kill Jews for being Jews. And it's this exact mentality that led to the situation in Israel today; Jews forced to respond to a demographic that wants to kill Jews for being Jews.

So I hate it when "allies" "condemn" antisemitism in the US/UK/Australia/wherever by saying it's wrong to hold those Jews responsible for the actions of Israel. The sentence is technically correct, but misses the point, and it implies that Jews who suffer antisemitism are being punished because other Jews reacted to antisemitism. Also, no self-respecting Jew accepts the approval of gentiles and promise not to be murdered, at the expense of other Jews. Like, "we'll agree not to kill you if you can agree that those other Jews do deserve to be killed". What??

How do you/we push back against this rhetoric?