u/BlueRobin420

..the dark.

I’ve always been scared of the dark but 7 years ago I was SA. I had fallen asleep (I was at my then friend’s apartment) and woke up because someone was penetrating me. And I was so shocked I froze. He eventually stopped, I think I started to cry and that shocked him. We are no longer friends.

I can no longer sleep in the same room as a man, I start twitching like crazy.

Last year, early October, something changed and since then I sleep with the light on. Sometimes even though the light is on I’m too scared to go to the bathroom.

I don’t know what changed that made me so afraid (for more than 5 years I didn’t need the light turned on at night).

I have never told anyone what happened that night and that I sleep with the lights on now.

I live in a place that is too cold for me, I work with something that takes more from me than it gives me. If I could start again, turn back time 20 years, I would.

But I’m 41 now, feels like time is slipping out of my hands..

Looking for an easy going chat, a few hours or the rest of our lives, it’s up to you.

Svenska går bra också.

Själv satt jag på golvet och drog en Colombiansk tvättlina från toalocket till minne av offren för jordbävningen.

Tillägg:..och lyssna på Bonnie Tylers låt Total eclipse of the heart

My summer has been kind of shitty so far..

I’m a child of the 80’s. My body is getting older, but I still feel like I did when I was in my 20’s. Curious and invincible.. Kind of a mind fuck.

I really don’t have anything I’m passionate about. Sometimes I read, I often listen to music, kind of like movies and going to the cinema (last movie I saw was Un Poeta, Colombian movie I think). I enjoy a lot of things but not passionate about anything.

I don’t have a family and I don’t want kids. I’m the world’s greatest aunt and that’s more than enough for me. Allergic to cats.

Right now I’m drinking a glass of wine and thinking about what to do when I grow up.. Do you know what you want to be?

(I don’t believe in astrology or Myers-Briggs.)

If you’re mellow and don’t have any demands (and you’re non-judgemental) we might get along!

No nsfw.

I’m a child of the 80’s. My body is getting older, but I still feel like I did when I was in my 20’s. Curious and invincible.. Kind of a mind fuck.

I really don’t have anything I’m passionate about. Sometimes I read, I often listen to music, kind of like movies and going to the cinema (last movie I saw was Un Poeta, Colombian movie I think). I enjoy a lot of things but not passionate about anything.

I don’t have a family and I don’t want kids. I’m the world’s greatest aunt and that’s more than enough for me. Allergic to cats.

Right now I’m drinking a glass of wine and thinking about what to do when I grow up.. Do you know what you want to be?

(I don’t believe in astrology or Myers-Briggs.)

If you’re mellow and don’t have any demands (and you’re non-judgemental) we might get along!

No nsfw.

I will be waiting for 5,5 hours on my connecting flight (Schengen), thinking about paying extra for access to the business class lounge, is it worth it?

I always, and still to this day, want a dragon. I know they don’t exist but they are so cool and I really want one..

It’s a synthwave song that I listened to around 2017. A female singer sings lyrics that strongly reminded me of New Order -Temptation, but more slowly and and with more ambient vibes.

Do you know it?

It’s a synthwave song that I listened to around 2017. A female singer sings lyrics that strongly reminded me of New Order -Temptation, but more slowly and and with more ambient vibes.

Do you know it?

First my dad got a septic chock, I prayed he would survive. Then he became better and the toxic asshole came back, then I wished he would have died..

My brother started doing drugs again, I wished he’d die too.

I’m exhausted emotionally and I can’t take this anymore..

I feel like binge eating my weight in carbs.

Once again I was reminded that I’m a freak. He told me that he desires me, but can’t be seen with me, he would feel ashamed and scared that people thought he was gay.

The story of my life, he’s just another guy with a fetish for trans women.

The loneliness is probably what’s going to kill me. I’m not ashamed of me. I love me. But I can never have intimacy because no men want to be seen with me. I’m only good for secret meetings when a man needs a human fleshlight.

I just want to cuddle and have a normal relationship.

I mean, c’mon.. It’s pretty pretty good, don’t you think?

So I’m listening to the new Kalax EP 11-11 and I like the first and last song.

As I’m listening I remember he was in a bad place mentally many years ago so I searched his name here on Reddit.

Seems there’s controversy surrounding business conduct and making music.

Apparently everything new released from him since a couple of years ago is AI generated, but how can you tell? How does one know if music is AI generated?

Also, does it matter? And why?

The albums Kalax and III were my entry to synthwave. He will always hold a special place in my heart.

I don’t really have an opinion on AI in music.

(Scamming fans on the other hand is awful. I once purchased a cassette tape from Robots without Rayguns via bandcamp that I never received.)

I’ve been told almost my whole life that I’m ugly (people stare, they’ll get up and leave if I sit next to them on a bench and the whole gameI). I’ve accepted it and it doesn’t bother me anymore.

But, sometimes men flirt with me. It’s mostly on the bus, 2-3 times per year someone will look at me, and smile, but not with a “hey, circus freak”-smile but a gentle and warm smile. We look into each other’s eyes and for a moment it feels like the sun is shining within me.

Once every other or third year a man will actually make an attempt to talk to me. However this freaks me out, I always feel like there’s someone filming the situation and that the next day I’ll be a reel on insta or tt. So I tense up and become snappish (with age, I’m 41, I’ve become softer). Always fail.

Tonight there was a temp at work. An Egyptian guy. When I introduced myself he said “a beautiful name for a beautiful lady”, and he has talked to me like about private stuff and sorta been feeling me out, trying to get close. He’s attractive. I’m 5’8”, he’s like an inch shorter, but very attractive.

I don’t know what to do or to behave. I don’t think he’s making fun of me, he seems very genuine. But I cannot stop thinking that there is a motive behind his closing in. Like he’s just horny, needs a human flesh light.

Maybe I’m not ugly and just really weird looking? Or is it the same?

And also, could you ever trust another human (that seems attracted to you) enough to let your guard down?