u/Candid_Gold2003

I won't get into many details. I will just share some instances that did hurt my self-esteem as a kid. There are many but I'll write only 5, and completely rely on my instincts.

Setting 1: 3 girls, talking to each other, and another girl (me), just sitting, 6th grade.

Girl 1: Don't be sad, see, even she (me) didn't score well, is she bothered?

Girl 2: You will compare me with her now? I mean?

Setting 2: School bus, 10th grade

Teacher: (My Name), is she here?

*I just look at her

The teacher looks towards another student and says:

"She's such a weird girl"

Setting 3: Picnic, 4th grade

Our class teacher asked every student to choose their partner, they were expected to stand together. I had no friends, so I was the only person standing alone in a big line.

When we arrived, I was about to fall by mistake so a boy said,

"Why are you even here"? In a crude tone.

Setting 4: School corridor, 9th grade (I was severely anemic due to heavy periods)

I was just walking, a random teacher:

"Do you have jaundice, why are you so pale"? While looking at me as if I'm some alien.

*my classmates used to call me jaundice only.

Setting 5: Political sciene period, 11th grade

I was sitting with a topper*

After class: My teacher called her and asked her to stay away from me because I'm an average student.

I made a few "so called" Friends & she said the same to them, stating that I might be a bad influence (even though, I was the most sorted person in the group).

I was also bullied for making TikToks by others. Overall, I was the "the last option" , the "say whatever you wanna say to her" kid, I was ditched by my so called friends, distrusted by them, false rumours were spread about me, I was ridiculed for being pale due to anaemia, I was considered like a literal nobody.

These are just a few instances that I can recall as I write but there are many more, requiring a lot more explanation.

Anyways, I hope you got my point.

How it's impacting my present:

I can't accept any complements.

I can't post online like a normal person.

I am a people pleaser.

I somehow think about what others think about me.

I think everyone thinks I'm boring.

I always seek validation.

I feel like a burden while talking to others.

I have zero self confidence.

I can't praise myself.

I feel I'll be badly judged, no matter what I do!

I have developed ocds.

I always strive for perfection when I work.

I feel others know a lot more than me. And many other things.

Is there any way for me to overcome all this?

P.s. Most things were said in my native language (hindi), and I've translated here.

1st standard: Topper, nobody wanted to be my friend, never felt like going to school.

2nd standard: Topper, made some friends, never felt like going to school.

3rd standard: Isolated, average, scared, unhappy, bored, never felt like going to school.

4th standard: Isolated, average, judged, scared, unhappy, tired, anxious, never felt like going to school.

5th standard: Made some friends, studied hard, enjoyed routine for a change, became confident, started getting dull and anxious later.

6th standard: Started well but then, Isolated, average, anxious, really anxious, sad, never felt like going to school.

7th standard: Completely Isolated, bored, below average, anxious, ill, scared, and underconfident, was absent on most days.

8th standard: Made 1 friend, still Isolated, and dependent, scared, average, tried improving, never felt like going to school, almost depressed.

9th & 10th standard: Worst years, almost bullied, completely Isolated, shattered, judged, sidelined, mocked, scared, anxious, depressed, lost myself completely, average, never felt like going to school, ill, full of fears, and constantly sad.

11th: Made some toxic friends, started being around them to feel safe, was ill treated by them at times, wanted to fit in, was still battling past trauma, worked on my mental health, was still judged, and treated badly at times, studied hard, dealt with pathetic rumors, classmates told me that a boy liked me but then he also started judging my "confidence" and almost bullied me in front of his friends, he later tried spreading a rumor that I liked him even though he was the one who constantly stared at me in class, another boy almost pushed me using his hands, was treated like "I'm the most awkward and weird person alive"

12th: Online classes!

Just a crux of everything.

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I used to sleep by 2:30am, earlier. But then I started sleeping at 3:00am, 3:30am, 4:00am, 5:00am, it was becoming a habit. I was watching reels, scrolling reddit, binge watching series! During winters, bec of the delay in sunrise, I started sleeping at 6 am.

My body got used to this routine, but my brain fog increased & energy levels decreased. I stopped eating breakfast also and skipped many interviews. I know that it was all because of anxiety and overthinking. I started feeling safe this way, idk how and why.

During winters, I was sleeping by 6 but after winters, 6: 30am, then 7am,..it went up to 8am and it impacted my mood and everything in a very negative way. I even started working at night. My creative mind was active at night only. I couldn't focus during the day.

Today I was going to sleep at 8:30 am☠️ and I could feel some weird symptoms, It was almost like I'm losing control, like my body is losing balance, and there was slight dizziness.

Sleep is good. It helps us,..I've learnt this. Your mind is clever, when it's time to get up from sleep, it demands 2 more minutes and when it's time to go to sleep, it demands 20 more minutes.

These days I see many people sleep late, I request you to just try, I will also try from today! If you sleep at 3, try sleeping at 2:30am. If you sleep at 5, try sleeping by 4. You can do it!!

I used to sleep by 2:30am, earlier. But then I started sleeping at 3:00am, 3:30am, 4:00am, 5:00am, it was becoming a habit. I was watching reels, scrolling reddit, binge watching series! During winters, bec of the delay in sunrise, I started sleeping at 6 am.

My body got used to this routine, but my brain fog increased & energy levels decreased. I stopped eating breakfast also and skipped many interviews. I know that it was all because of anxiety and overthinking. I started feeling safe this way, idk how and why.

During winters, I was sleeping by 6 but after winters, 6: 30am, then 7am,..it went up to 8am and it impacted my mood and everything in a very negative way. I even started working at night. My creative mind was active at night only. I couldn't focus during the day.

Today I was going to sleep at 8:30 am☠️ and I could feel some weird symptoms, It was almost like I'm losing control, like my body is losing balance, and there was slight dizziness.

Sleep is good. It helps us,..I've learnt this. Your mind is clever, when it's time to get up from sleep, it demands 2 more minutes and when it's time to go to sleep, it demands 20 more minutes.

These days, I see many people sleep late, I request you to just try, I will also try from today! If you sleep at 3, try sleeping at 2:30 am. If you sleep at 5, try sleeping by 4. You can do it!!

Am I crazy, or mad or something?

Long story short, I had a crush when I was in 5th grade, it wasn't love but crush at first sight and I was just 10. I'm 22 right now. I could never tell him even though he used to sit behind me as we were kids. I even imagined him in songs (nothing cheap). After him, I only had 1-2 crushes (not major) and I've never been in a relationship but the feelings I held for him and maybe still do, are now impacting me.

We only follow each other on instagram (which I've deactivated now) and we live in different cities (he left our school in 9th) and I don't know whether he is in a relationship or not. Apart from replying to my stories or praising me a bit, he hasn't shown much interest in me and same for me, I could never share how I felt except for maybe praising him at times in a funny way. I'm not sure if our mutual classmate (who knows that I sort of liked him), has told him, if she has, then I'm embarrassed as such.

I once confessed my feelings in an anonymous way to him, he posted an anonymous message link on his story when we were in 10th. Damn I don't know if he knows it was me, I didn't write there using my name for safety purpose but yeah idk.

I remember some key details about him. I have seen him in my dreams plenty of times. I'm not obsessed with him, mind you..I have seen him in a relationship when we were in school only. They broke up later but I wasn't bothered.

One thing was weird, he added me on two social media platforms years back but then abruptly removed me. He only kept me on instagram. Idk why I'm even sharing all this.

Even now, when I think about him at times, I tend to smile out of nowhere.

I think, I can never tell him about what I feel and I believe he doesn't have feelings for me.

Im not claiming I love him.

Maybe it was love, maybe it was admiration, maybe he was just a crush or maybe it was liking.

One thing I know is that whatever it is, it'll never be known to him.

Just felt like sharing.

Long story short, I had a crush when I was in 5th grade, it wasn't love but crush at first sight and I was just 10. I'm 22 right now. I could never tell him even though he used to sit behind me as we were kids. I even imagined him in songs (nothing cheap). After him, I only had 1-2 crushes (not major) and I've never been in a relationship but the feelings I held for him and maybe still do, are now impacting me.

We only follow each other on instagram (which I've deactivated now) and we live in different cities (he left our school in 9th) and I don't know whether he is in a relationship or not. Apart from replying to my stories or praising me a bit, he hasn't shown much interest in me and same for me, I could never share how I felt except for maybe praising him at times in a funny way. I'm not sure if our mutual classmate (who knows that I sort of liked him), has told him, if she has, then I'm embarrassed as such.

I once confessed my feelings in an anonymous way to him, he posted an anonymous message link on his story when we were in 10th. Damn I don't know if he knows it was me, I didn't write there using my name for safety purpose but yeah idk.

I remember some key details about him. I have seen him in my dreams plenty of times. I'm not obsessed with him, mind you..I have seen him in a relationship when we were in school only. They broke up later but I wasn't bothered.

One thing was weird, he added me on two social media platforms years back but then abruptly removed me. He only kept me on instagram. Idk why I'm even sharing all this.

Even now, when I think about him at times, I tend to smile out of nowhere.

I think, I can never tell him about what I feel and I believe he doesn't have feelings for me.

Im not claiming I love him.

Maybe it was love, maybe it was admiration, maybe he was just a crush or maybe it was liking.

One thing I know is that whatever it is, it'll never be known to him.

Just felt like sharing.

Long story short, I had a crush when I was in 5th grade, it wasn't love but crush at first sight and I was just 10. I'm 22 right now. I could never tell him even though he used to sit behind me as we were kids. I even imagined him in songs (nothing cheap). After him, I only had 1-2 crushes (not major) and I've never been in a relationship but the feelings I held for him and maybe still do, are now impacting me.

We only follow each other on instagram (which I've deactivated now) and we live in different cities (he left our school in 9th) and I don't know whether he is in a relationship or not. Apart from replying to my stories or praising me a bit, he hasn't shown much interest in me and same for me, I could never share how I felt except for maybe praising him at times in a funny way. I'm not sure if our mutual classmate (who knows that I sort of liked him), has told him, if she has, then I'm embarrassed as such.

I once confessed my feelings in an anonymous way to him, he posted an anonymous message link on his story when we were in 10th. Damn I don't know if he knows it was me, I didn't write there using my name for safety purpose but yeah idk.

I remember some key details about him. I have seen him in my dreams plenty of times. I'm not obsessed with him, mind you..I have seen him in a relationship when we were in school only. They broke up later but I wasn't bothered.

One thing was weird, he added me on two social media platforms years back but then abruptly removed me. He only kept me on instagram. Idk why I'm even sharing all this.

Even now, when I think about him at times, I tend to smile out of nowhere.

I think, I can never tell him about what I feel and I believe he doesn't have feelings for me.

Im not claiming I love him.

Maybe it was love, maybe it was admiration, maybe he was just a crush or maybe it was liking.

One thing I know is that whatever it is, it'll never be known to him.

I will write one sentence here, that'll be the starting point of the story. After that someone will continue the story with another sentence, then someone else will reply to their comment and like this we'll see where the plot goes (mystery, horror, romance, thriller, action etc).

So:

She was just standing there, contemplative, and unsure. It was a dark, rainy night.

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What made other students a better choice, what made them judge me? Why I was not included in groups, why I was not given the first or even second preference, why nobody wanted to sit with me, why I was the last option, the compromising one. Why I was the person they could say or do anything to, and still act like it's nothing. How did they treat me so bad that I still doubt my nature, my mindset, and the way I behave. I question if I am boring or just a bad influence? I question if I'm even worthy of someone's time or if others are just talking to me because they've no other choice? I fumble, and my entire personality was changed while I was growing because the impact was subtle but real. Now I find my comfort in saying that I'm socially awkward, that I make embarrassing mistakes, that I'm an introvert just to feel "safe" because I'm still treated the same.

What made other students a better choice, what made them judge me? Why I was not included in groups, why I was not given the first or even second preference, why nobody wanted to sit with me, why I was the last option, the compromising one. Why I was the person they could say or do anything to, and still act like it's nothing. How did they treat me so bad that I still doubt my nature, my mindset, and the way I behave. I question if I am boring or just a bad influence? I question if I'm even worthy of someone's time or if others are just talking to me because they've no other choice? I fumble, and my entire personality was changed while I was growing because the impact was subtle but real. Now I find my comfort in saying that I'm socially awkward, that I make embarrassing mistakes, that I'm an introvert just to feel "safe" because I'm still treated the same.

What made other students a better choice, what made them judge me? Why I was not included in groups, why I was not given the first or even second preference, why nobody wanted to sit with me, why I was the last option, the compromising one. Why I was the person they could say or do anything to, and still act like it's nothing. How did they treat me so bad that I still doubt my nature, my mindset, and the way I behave. I question if I am boring or just a bad influence? I question if I'm even worthy of someone's time or if others are just talking to me because they've no other choice? I fumble, and my entire personality was changed while I was growing because the impact was subtle but real. Now I find my comfort in saying that I'm socially awkward, that I make embarrassing mistakes, that I'm an introvert just to feel "safe" because I'm still treated the same.

What made other students a better choice, what made them judge me? Why I was not included in groups, why I was not given the first or even second preference, why nobody wanted to sit with me, why I was the last option, the compromising one. Why I was the person they could say or do anything to, and still act like it's nothing. How did they treat me so bad that I still doubt my nature, my mindset, and the way I behave. I question if I am boring or just a bad influence? I question if I'm even worthy of someone's time or if others are just talking to me because they've no other choice? I fumble, and my entire personality was changed while I was growing because the impact was subtle but real. Now I find my comfort in saying that I'm socially awkward, that I make embarrassing mistakes, that I'm an introvert just to feel "safe" because I'm still treated the same.

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