u/Cheap_Environment113

I don't know. For the longest time, my depressive episodes have been caused by a trigger. Something sometimes also related to depression. Even my thoughts and memories are sometimes triggers. It feels like I'm faking it. Yet it gets worse. It keeps getting worse. And I just become more depressed at the thought that it's all fake. I hate being like this.

I GOT MY HRT!!! HELL YEAHHHHHHHHH!!!

As the title suggests, I think I may be genderfluid.

For about 4 months now, I have been exploring my gender identity, and have, for the majority of the time, identified as a trans woman.

But something has been bothering me, an occasional feeling that only lasts a day or so.

The very reason why I haven't settled with my gender identity thus far.

Although most of the time, I feel like a woman, sometimes/rarely, I'm okay with being a man, hell, I'll even go as far as saying I'm happy being a man. But this has been in such a negligible amount that I've just pushed it off.

But late this night, I decided to address those thoughts.

I really don't want to be genderfluid. It's just going to complicate my life even more than it already has. I know that there (most likely) isn't professionals on this site, but please, help me find out if I am genderfluid or not.

What is your worst (trans related) fear?

I'm 15F and live with my (probably transphobic) parents in a deep red state, and am about to start DIY HRT without them knowing. My worst trans related fear is getting caught doing it. If I get caught, it's over for me.

So, I (15F) have a best friend who my way of contacting him is discord. He’s not the kind to be very suspicious or look too much into the reason why I’m asking a question. But, still, nonetheless, I don't talk to him much right now.

I don’t usually talk about with or around him: Celebrities, Politics. I do have a transfem friend around the same age as me, but there’s no guarantee that he’ll remember her.

I need advice, as this is the next step for me in obtaining DIY HRT. (I’m so scared yet excited!)

…and I couldn’t be more scared.

For context, I am 15F who’s known they’re trans for a good 3 months (give or take), and am finally getting on DIY HRT!!!

…But there’s a problem.

My parents don’t know about this.

Im having to carefully take each step, and for a while now, I’ve been thinking that this is going to be just another secret. But, just today, my provider updated me. I requested a ”test package” to test the waters. On Thursday, it’ll be sent out me. Not delivered quite yet, but sent out. And my anxiety levels rose to the highest they’ve been in a long, long while. For once, it was noticeably effecting me. I couldn’t even hide it. I was lucky to not’ve been asked what‘s wrong while I was at the dinner table.

I’m just so scared. If my parents find out about this, only one thing is sure: They won’t be supportive.

I’m still continuing, rather I want to back off or not, because I know, in the end, that this’ll be worth it.

This post will be tagged milestone, because it’s technically a milestone, but also sort of a vent(?)

I (15F), live in an area where HRT is banned for minors, and on top of that, don’t have parents that would likely support me, much less get me DIY HRT. This has lead me to attempt to get my own. So far, I am waiting for my provider to get their shipment, so they can then send it to me.

I would like to introduce my therapist. She is clearly at least slightly transphobic, or at least doesn’t know much about the topic. She has said things along the lines of, “Usually young children, or even teenagers don’t quite know their gender identity” From what I remember, she pretty much said that you can’t be too sure until you’re fully grown.

From that, I really should’ve decided not to tell her that I was getting HRT.

About 4 weeks ago, I decided to tell her. I told her that I was going to get DIY HRT. I then asked if I did would she have to tell my parents, and if she would, I would just not take it (lie). She told me that she’ll consult her boss who’s had more experience with stuff like that.

Now, we’re at yesterday. I asked her what her boss said.

She would have to tell my parents if I were to follow through.

What?

What?

What the fuck?!

A therapist is supposed to keep everything between you and them, not you and your parents. I get it’s for safety, but what the fuck?! There are only 2 PEOPLE that I know that know that I am getting DIY HRT. One of them is my provider, and the other is my friend. I wanted, no, NEEDED my therapist to help me through this. But now, I have to KEEP A SECRET FROM MY THERAPIST. THE ONE PERSON WHO IS SUPPOSED TO KNOW THEM AND HELP YOU THROUGH IT.

I just don’t know. I really don’t know. This whole thing has left me feeling betrayed and furious. Even worse, there’s even more of a risk of me getting caught, because people who would know you’re taking HRT and hiding it would notice the changes easier and link said changes to that. Now I have a therapist who, if they notice any HRT changes, will tell my parents what is happening.

Just please, wish me luck. Because I’m not stopping.