u/CheekMurky6964

There's a lot that goes through my head right now. Maybe something good comes of it, when I write it down. I think it boils down to me being insecure and envious. When I was younger I feel like I had everything, my family loved me and praised me for being perfect at everything. I had hobbies I was good at, I was good at school. I felt like I was talented and had a bright future ahead of me. Then, naturally, as I grew older I met other people on the same level of "talent" as me. Suddenly I didn't feel so special. Plus over time I found out that I'm gay and failed my first university studies, so it does't feel like I'm that bright future my family hoped for...

Now I'm at a second university, I'm studying something I actually like, I have new friends and a lovely boyfriend. But still, I feel like part of me is missing or something was lost. Most of it comes from meeting other people (mostly men) my age. I envy heterosexual men - that they didn't have to go through this multi-year self acceptance journey full of stress and self-deprication, like I did. I envy how they seem so put together, nice clothes, nice hair. They go to the gym, they meet new people, they travel. The absolute lack of even a little hint of anxiety in their eyes makes me angry.

So, I'm thinking I have to do what I think makes them perfect right? Then I'll be happy too? Well, will I? I can't get rid of the bad feeling when I'm in a gym, everyone seems bigger than me. That's very attractive for me and I can't ignore their beauty... It feels very unfair that I feel something to other men, that they can't feel towards me. I feel like I can't smile at them, or chat with them normally like any other man would. Because the moment they find out I'm gay, everything I do will be interpreted in that context. Every smile or look can be percieved as flirting and I think I can't separate flirting/being friendly in my head. If I like a man, I always want to be his friend and/or be intimate. Therefore, I can't go to a gym, I can't make male friends, because I can't feel normal around them. I've never experienced total acceptance from another man, except my brother and my boyfriend of course. It is always "yes" and very very small "but..."

So, I'm trying to find my own way how to be happy. Don't compare yourself to others, they say... I'm trying to focus what brings me, specifically, joy. Still, there are men younger than me, even gays, who are there already, where I want to be. They are my inspiration and I envy them also. I feel like I'm not enough... And even though I know improving myself like all those other people will ultimately make me happier, I watch all those self-help videos (Sigurd-GayUnmasked) and I feel like it's also wrong. Because I don't love myself as I am right now. I would really like to... And I don't know how to do it. Any thought/advice will be appreciated...

I bought the Anran Yoasobi skin yesterday, because I really like her playstyle and character. Today I played some comp games and lost a LOT, deranking from gold to silver. I'm not a regular Anran player, but would like to get better, at least on the same level as my mains (gold). I noticed I die a lot and dont manage to get out of bad situations even if I have one dash ready. I dont feel impactful at all and it seems like I'm repeating one combo again and again without thinking too much about it. But thats also because I'm still not sure how to play her, when to go in... I know generally you should engage after your tank, but it seems like every team fight is so messy and I lose control over what's going on. If you can watch some replays and maybe point out specific instances I could play differently, it would be greatly appreciated...

6W464N
EBB2B3
49HPPZ
rare win: PYQC7Y

I love Sombra but I feel like she's even harder now with so many movement abilities enemy can have. And there is so many conditions that have to happen until I get a kill or do at least SOME noticable damage: I need to position well... THEN I have to wait for the right moment so the enemy doesnt one shot me/escapes imediately/suzu... THEN I have to hit the virus... THEN I have to hit all my shots and THEN I have to teleport away to safety but not too far, so I can keep doing damage and be useful. I feel like her invisibility is more of a hindrance than useful ability, because if I get noticed I have to reposition and go to invis again or I die.

On the other hand with other heroes it is very clear when I'm supposed to spam from afar and when to go in and their abilities reflect that. Anran/Venture/Sierra feel like a good example.

I'm gold now and I feel like it is noticible that my enemies are getting smarter since I last played her 2 years ago in bronze. :D But I'm on losing streak and I'm really losing my nerves because with other heroes I can play them for a few hours and feel like I'm getting better. But with Sombra now I feel like I'm actively lowering our teams chances to win, because I have to work with being invisible and attacking at the right moment, the right enemy...

I would love if somebody checked out my replays and told me what I'm doing wrong... <3
WIN: 70FH8F
LOST: 5700BH, S39RST, 6CG62Q