I don't know how to start feeling good about myself
There's a lot that goes through my head right now. Maybe something good comes of it, when I write it down. I think it boils down to me being insecure and envious. When I was younger I feel like I had everything, my family loved me and praised me for being perfect at everything. I had hobbies I was good at, I was good at school. I felt like I was talented and had a bright future ahead of me. Then, naturally, as I grew older I met other people on the same level of "talent" as me. Suddenly I didn't feel so special. Plus over time I found out that I'm gay and failed my first university studies, so it does't feel like I'm that bright future my family hoped for...
Now I'm at a second university, I'm studying something I actually like, I have new friends and a lovely boyfriend. But still, I feel like part of me is missing or something was lost. Most of it comes from meeting other people (mostly men) my age. I envy heterosexual men - that they didn't have to go through this multi-year self acceptance journey full of stress and self-deprication, like I did. I envy how they seem so put together, nice clothes, nice hair. They go to the gym, they meet new people, they travel. The absolute lack of even a little hint of anxiety in their eyes makes me angry.
So, I'm thinking I have to do what I think makes them perfect right? Then I'll be happy too? Well, will I? I can't get rid of the bad feeling when I'm in a gym, everyone seems bigger than me. That's very attractive for me and I can't ignore their beauty... It feels very unfair that I feel something to other men, that they can't feel towards me. I feel like I can't smile at them, or chat with them normally like any other man would. Because the moment they find out I'm gay, everything I do will be interpreted in that context. Every smile or look can be percieved as flirting and I think I can't separate flirting/being friendly in my head. If I like a man, I always want to be his friend and/or be intimate. Therefore, I can't go to a gym, I can't make male friends, because I can't feel normal around them. I've never experienced total acceptance from another man, except my brother and my boyfriend of course. It is always "yes" and very very small "but..."
So, I'm trying to find my own way how to be happy. Don't compare yourself to others, they say... I'm trying to focus what brings me, specifically, joy. Still, there are men younger than me, even gays, who are there already, where I want to be. They are my inspiration and I envy them also. I feel like I'm not enough... And even though I know improving myself like all those other people will ultimately make me happier, I watch all those self-help videos (Sigurd-GayUnmasked) and I feel like it's also wrong. Because I don't love myself as I am right now. I would really like to... And I don't know how to do it. Any thought/advice will be appreciated...