u/Cheeseaisleinheaven

Obviously, I wasn't getting much attention/emotional attunement at home. My parents raised me to look good and make them proud, but didn't do much with me except correct me harshly to make sure I did those things for them.

I didn't realize it at the time, but I was starved for human attention and affection. I often came on strong with people, and drove people away because of it. I realize now that I glommed onto people as well, despite obvious signs and signals from those people that it was too much for them. As a result, I ended up in unhealthy friendships and relationships where the other person used me and treated me poorly, and I did whatever I had to do to keep the relationship going.

As you can imagine, over the years, the cost of this piled up in my life. I had terrible boyfriends when I was younger who openly treated me like trash. I worked a lot, and I would often just hand over all my money to these guys as well. I also ended up in a toxic, controlling friendship with a girl who had OCPD and was very self-centered. I ended up spending thousands of dollars flying to her and doing trips for her birthday where I paid for most of it when she moved away. Thankfully, I had an existential crisis in my mid-30s and ended all of these relationships.

However, since I realized the harm that has been done to me, I'm now avoidant. I hate people, I don't want to make any friends anymore, and I avoid situations where I have to be social. I'm lucky enough to be married with kids, so it's not like I'm totally isolated. I do occasionally talk to neighbors, other moms at school, extended family, etc. However, it leaves me feeling drained when I do.

Although I know it's probably mal-adaptive, I do feel healthier being avoidant than I did when I was anxious and clingy. I'm not being abused or used, I'm not spending all my mental and emotional energy on others, and I enjoy my quiet interests and my own company.

Has anyone else experienced a switch from anxious to avoidant?

As an elder Millennial, I have a lot of great summer memories from the 90s and early 2000s. Some of them include:

1. Being completely unsupervised and feral from ages 10 to 18. My parents worked, we were left alone at home. When we were younger, we ran in packs of neighborhood kids on our bikes. We trespassed, jumped in the creek, and wandered the woods. We made weird meals of concoctions of things we found in the house. When we were in high school, we bombed around in our beater cars all over the country roads.

2. Living in a rural area, we had a lot of bonfires, garage parties and evenings of "cruising the strip" (the one road through our sad downtown area). We were bored, so we invented things to do.

3. When someone finally got brave enough to drive on the interstate, we went to the mall about 45 minutes from our small town. We walked around, looked at stuff, bought very little, and got a pretzel and slurpee at he food court.

4. The movies were a big deal. Everyone loved going to the movies, and it was super cheap to do so. We would go in big packs, and hide snacks in our bags. I once smuggled in an entire hoagie.

5. Summer jobs. There wasn't a ton of places that hired kids, so we all worked together at a handful of jobs. The staff were often mostly 16-18-year olds, and the "boss" was some guy who never left who was 25 tops.

While I love my life today, it would be so much fun to go back to a random July friday when I was in high school for just one night. I'd put on my cargo skirt and best polo shirt and flip flops, call my friends on my flip phone, and figure out whose garage we would be meeting at for the night.

I work in the mental health space, so I do have some familiarity with ARFID, as there is an arm of our mental health solution we sell at work that deals in autism, ADHD and ARFID.

My MIL and nephew do very likely have ARFID. My MIL only eats a small amount of preferred foods and will get very anxious about anything mixed (like salads, casseroles, etc.). She struggles with textures and cannot eat anything with beans, vegetables except corn, anything with strong flavors or spices, and all her meat needs to be well-well done (like black on the outside). She is undiagnosed and very sensitive/embarrassed. She gets angry and upset if people notice that she is a picky/selective eater with sensory issues, and I've even seen her deny that she didn't eat something (pretend she did eat or try it when she didn't), even so far as putting something in her mouth, then running to the bathroom before swallowing it. She gets angry if we ask her for preferred foods, as she doesn't like to admit she has an issue.

My nephew also has what is likely ARFID. His is so severe that he throws up if presented with non-preferred foods. Even smelling some foods causes him to vomit. He is about 5, and generally only eats chips, processed mac and cheese, and uncrustables. His parents pretty much only serve him preferred foods and try to keep him away from anything that might cause vomiting. He is also fully undiagnosed, and I feel his parents would be offended if I brought anything up.

How do I host so as not to upset people or make them angry? I know I need to have lots of their preferred foods on hand. For MIL, I keep all vegetables separate (so she doesn't have to eat them in anything) and I always try to have plain corn for her (in the can, no seasoning). I absolutely hate it, but I burn all meat when I serve her and we all eat burnt meat, as making her a specific one would call out her sensory issue, and make her angry.

I also always have uncrustables for my nephew and I keep food prep and cooking away from the table as much as I can. I also never pressure him to look at or try any new foods. I offer to help clean up any vomit as well.

Is this doing enough? What else helps you in group gatherings? Is there a gentle way I can get them to talk about it and acknowledge it so that it's easier to accommodate?

We have a two-story, tri-color, complex house. We contracted a respected, local contracting company to paint it. Right in the contract, it says "2 coats" to exterior. I think the contractor subcontracted to another crew. The name on their trucks is completely different from the original contractor. They have three people, and it's taken about 4 days of work.

They have done a mix of brush, roll and spray. Our contract clearly says "2 coats", but I'm only seeing one heavy coat. Last night, we went around, and there is shrinkage in the paint and pin holes. They say they are going to be done today and the contractor is coming to have us sign off on it, but there is no possible way they will finish today with 2 full coats, as some of it hasn't even been touched once. They have also removed tape from areas already sprayed and started in with the trim, leading me to believe they are only giving it one spray.

Are we out of line asking them to do 2 full coats? Especially on the white trim? I'm afraid they are going to say that spraying means it had 2 coats done at once...

Anywhere we went, the second we all got in the car to leave, my parents just unloaded about how awful everyone was that we had just seen or interacted with. They made comments about their weight, their clothes, their appearance, their intelligence, how hard they did or didn't work, the choices they made, their house/cars, their kids, etc. Everyone got a scathing run-down at all times.

Through therapy, I realized that I internalized this in a big way and I do my best to appear "perfect" to avoid people judging me in the same way. I'm really mean to myself, never allowing myself a moment of rest or allowing myself to be vulnerable with anyone. I also avoid letting people into my life, as I fear their judgement. As such, I'm hyper-independent and avoidantly attached. In adulthood, I work myself to exhaustion and hold no space for myself to rest. I'm almost compulsive in my cleaning, organizing, home maintenance, landscaping, appearance, over-working, saving money, etc.

I especially don't like to tell my parents or extended family much about me, as I know they have a full list of judgements about me, and I don't want to add to that. When visiting my parents, I've been in my bedroom early in the morning, and heard them multiple times complaining about me and picking me apart in the kitchen and dining room while they made breakfast.

Therapy has taught me that this is a learned habit and defense mechanism, and their judgments of others don't hold any weight except in their minds. They seem to feel superior to everyone for one reason or another. If someone has more money than them, well they are fat. If someone is more talented than them, they aren't a hard worker. No one can do anything right.

Did anyone else have similar parents? How did you internalize it and how did it manifest in your life? What have you done to heal yourself from this?

I've been struggling with this lately. My almost 13-year-old daughter and I have been talking about the environment, saving money and under-consumption for her entire life. She gets it, agrees completely, and actively shops our house before buying things, borrows instead of owns, thrifts, etc. She is smart and responsible, and I'm proud of her.

However, some of her friends are in a higher income bracket than us and it's created some issues. We live in the wealthiest county in our state. While we have a decently high household income and more means than the average, some of her friends' parents drive $100,000 vehicles and live in $1 million+ houses.

Recently, a friend invited her shopping. Our kids have money that they earn and save, usually for our yearly family vacations. They work for the money all year, save it, and budget it for things they want to buy while on the trip or throughout the year. This works for us and has been a really instructive exercise on working, saving and spending money wisely. She decided to take $20 from her money, and we gave her $20 on the agreement that she does extra chores. She came home somewhat upset because her friend got the family credit card and spent $200+. Her friend questioned why she wasn't buying much and, when my daughter explained our system, she was baffled and asked why we didn't just give her money like her parents.

Another girl at school who she hangs out with asked her why she repeats clothing/outfits sometimes, and will call out if she wore something the previous week. They also have a group chat, and they send each other "haul" videos when they go shopping. Some of the girls have an almost weekly "haul" and my daughter feels left out when the girls ask why she doesn't have as many "hauls." She posted a "thrift haul" once and one of the girls asked her if she washed the clothes first (of course we did) and seemed to indicate it was a little gross.

She gets it, and we talk about these things all the time. She knows I need to teach her to work, save and prioritize spending because we are not wealthy enough to ensure she doesn't have to work. Some of these kids may honestly not have to work that hard (some have family businesses they will just inherit, etc.). We talk about how much her friends use and go through, and how much waste they generate.

How do you help your kids in this culture? What can you say to them in these instances to help?

Long story short, my husband and his mom have been somewhat low contact. She favors his younger brother a lot, and drives 2 hours to see him, watch his kids, watch his dogs, and pays for some of his bills and food.

She's never really had too much interest in my husband, he's a very stoic, capable, independent sort, and I don't think that she likes that he doesn't "need" her like his brother. He accepted all that just fine, except he got diagnosed with a progressive, incurable, neurological disorder last year. They didn't handle it well, and focused on his brother's feelings about it instead of his, and he confronted her about the favoritism and how she treats him.

As you can guess, it didn't go well. She said that she HAD to focus on his brother and tell him about his brother because he doesn't call his brother enough. She also maintained that she doesn't talk to his brother more or help him more, but also that she helps them because they call her, talk to her, and ask for her help, and he doesn't.

Watching our dogs was the only thing she ever did for us. We had to drive them to her and back, and it often involved a lot of sitting on the phone with her during our trips. We have to drive 1 hour to 1.5 hours there to drop off, and then again to pick up. We also always bought her a restaurant meal each time. In contrast, when she watches BIL's dogs, she drives 2 hours there and 2 back to his house, and she brings them groceries and buys them takeout.

In addition, when we asked her the last time, after we started pulling away, she smirked and said "OHHHH, you NEED ME!" It was really icky.

We found a kennel 5 minutes from our house, and we really love them. They are reasonable and take good care of the dogs. We just quietly started using them. MIL found out we were going on vacation and asked when she would get the dogs, and we told her we were kenneling them.

Y'all, she PUSHED so hard. She called multiple times, had FIL call us, they even asked to know how much the kennel costed. When we didn't tell them, they looked it up online. She even said to me "I'm trying to save you some money! Don't you want to save money!?"

She keeps pushing and it's getting so awkward. My guess is that it's very clear now that she doesn't do anything for us, and the contrast with how much she does for her youngest is really uncomfortable after she was called out for it. I think the whole setup also resulted in us bringing the kids to her house twice, plus she felt that she was somehow a part of our trip, and told a lot of other people and family members often how much she was involved.

Are we doing the right thing? Should we let her to appease her? It's so terribly inconvenient to spend up to 6 hours driving around, plus an additional hour or 2 buying her lunch after flying in a 1 am the day prior. At the end of the day, I feel like she thinks she's "helping" but it's in a way that isn't actually helpful.

My neighbors two houses down have a 6th grade boy. I have been only friendly with them in passing, and they aren't really a friendly bunch. They don't talk to the neighbors, they keep to themselves, etc. I have helped them locate their dogs again several times when their dogs got out. Overall, they are okay, if not friendly, and I haven't had issues with them.

However, their 6th grade boy now has some sort of e-bike or dirt bike. I'm not sure which it is. It has no pedals at all. He rides it on the sidewalk on our street VERY fast, like 30-40 mph, although he does wear a helmet. He does not look where he is going at all. Just recently he zipped past my car as it was backing out of my driveway so quickly that I had to slam on the brakes. Last week, I was treating some weeds in my lawn and I had my back to the sidewalk. He went by me so quickly and so close that I jumped. Thankfully, I jumped forwards and not backwards, or I would have probably collided with him. I've also seen him zip around people walking dogs where the dogs' leashes have almost gotten caught in the tires.

According to the City ordinance, he's not allowed to drive on those speeds on the sidewalk. I've not said anything to him, turned him in, called the cops, or anything like that, as I don't want to be a bad neighbor. My guess is that he has nowhere to ride this bike and his mom probably told him to just ride around the neighborhood.

AIO? Should I try to talk to him or his mom? I'm really worried someone here is going to get hurt. What do I do if his parents don't care?

I had a colonoscopy on Thursday. Did my full prep and probably went overboard on it a bit (I didn't ingest anything for 6 hours before my procedure and I got up at 5 am to do the second dose). I also started the liquid diet a bit early because I wanted them to be really thorough, as I had to fight my insurance tooth and nail to get this done (I'm only 39).

While I was there, they pulled three polyps out of me. Two were less than 5 mm, while the other was 19 mm. I haven't felt "right" since. I've been tired, my digestion is all messed up, and I have had some pain and soreness. Nothing crazy, but I can tell someone has been sawing around in my guts.

Mostly I have no energy and I'm still super tired. I have kids and a full-time job, so I wasn't really able to rest before or after. I worked that morning, and the following day.

How long before you felt 100 percent?

MIL has a very enmeshed relationship with her youngest son, and they talk on the phone daily, sometimes multiple times per day. He updates her on every little detail of his life, and there are no filters what-so-ever. She will even share private, intimate information about his life with us that we are shocked she would even know, much less share.

In contrast, my husband has always been the black sheep. He's very stoic, quiet, capable and not an open book. As such, I don't think she ever got the emotional payoff she wanted from my husband, and it's pretty easy to see that she resents him.

Recently, he confronted her about constantly prioritizing her youngest son and his family over ours when scheduling holidays. My husband has a neurodegenerative disease that makes traveling and outings hard for him, and he's told what days/times he need to be at places on short or no notice, and they are always chosen by MIL and BIL based on what is best for BIL.

This didn't go over well. MIL and FIL claimed up and down that there was no special treatment or unfairness, but then also told him that it's his fault because he doesn't tell them anything, doesn't call them, doesn't call his brother, and that they believe it's his responsibility to be flexible for his brother.

Nothing changed, expect that my MIL is now refusing to call my husband or speak to him much. She tells FIL to call him and tell him when and where she wants him to show up for holidays, and she will only exchange vague pleasantries with him in person. So, he's basically started matching her energy and now he calls her as much as she calls him, which is almost never. After Christmas, we didn't hear from them until mid-week before Easter, because she wanted my kids over for Easter.

However, she's clearly big mad about this (although I don't know why). She cornered me at Thanksgiving and asked me how often I call my parents. When I told her, she gave me a withering look and told me "It's a child's RESPONSIBILITY to call their parents."

He also had to hang up on her once because she called him crying and hysterical about her phone not working while he was in line for TSA at the airport, and he had to hang up on her to go through security, after explaining to her that he couldn't help that second over and over. She keeps bringing it up in a jokey way constantly to this day "I'll call you, if you don't hang up on me! HA HA!" She also calls him her "long-lost son" whenever she sees him and says things like "I didn't know you were still alive!"

My husband understandably hates talking to her on the phone now. She goes on and on about her and BIL, and doesn't ask him a single question about himself. Whenever he does call her, she acts like she won some sort of war or something, saying things like "OOHHHHHH, you're calling ME?"

Would you call to appease her, or continue ignoring her like he is? I've also been ignoring their phone calls and texts so that they have to speak to him if they want anything from us (at his request). Is this rude on our end, or do you feel it's justified?

It's been ROUGH with my 12 year old daughter lately. When she's getting what she wants (rides, money, friends over, things bought for her), she's lovely. But, most other times, she ranges from testy and annoyed to hostile and rage-filled. I know it's the age....

Just this Friday, she begged me to have a friend sleep over. I'm very busy right now, work and personally. I shoved that to the side because she wanted this to badly, worked with the girls' mom to make it happen, picked up and dropped off, made them food and snacks, took all restrictions off her phone for the evening, etc.

My guess is that she didn't sleep much that night, so she was an absolute BEAR the rest of the weekend. We had asked the whole family to help with an urgent outdoor project, and she was sulking, annoyed, combative, etc. She even had a large outburst where she said really nastily and sarcastically that HER FRIEND (the one that was over) doesn't have parents that make them do chores, put restrictions on her phone, tell her when to go to bed, punish her, and they allow her to swear.

She also wanted to go in the hot tub, told her sister she was ready, but then got mad that her sister got in the hot tub. She accused her sister of "trying to control the timeframe", yelled at me when I asked her what she wanted me to do about her sister being in the hot tub, ran off while I was talking to her and slammed the door, and then sat in the garage eavesdropping on my husband and I so she could storm back into the house and start arguing with us again. She also went around the side yard and sat for a time period, I think to "punish" her younger sister and withhold her participation so that she got to choose the timeframe for them being in the hot tub.

For all of this, we restricted her phone time, took $5 off her money, and had her mow the lawn with the push mower for no money (they usually get paid). She is IRATE about this, especially the loss in income, and maintains that we are being unfair jerks and she did nothing wrong.

Are we being unreasonable? Do we need to come down on her more or less? I try to validate her feelings and talk her through things. She maintains that we are really really strict according to her and her friends' parents, but I wonder if I'm actually letting too much slide. Can anyone with more tween/teen experience help me out here? I know she has a lot going on, and I don't want to be a jerk, but I'm getting really disrespected in my own house.