u/Cheeseaisleinheaven

I have a 5 year old pug. I got him as a puppy, and he was immediately put through potty training. He mostly does great, and goes out regularly, as I work from home. So, this issue isn't because he has to hold it too long, and is then going in the house. He very much does this on purpose.

He will withhold poop outside, or just go a little. Then, inside, he will deliberately sneak off into one of the bedrooms to do this. He especially likes my daughter's bed, as it's lower and easier for him to jump onto. He will even push himself into closed doors enough that they open, so he can get into rooms where I've closed the door.

In talking to the woman we got him from, she said she kept them in pack-n-plays in her living room, with blankets over potty pads, and they just peed right in there and she washed the blankets and replaced the potty pads. I think he's always enjoyed going on blankets ever since and he seems to seek it out.

Short of getting better doorknobs or locking the doors, has anyone else dealt with this and gotten their dog to stop?

I won't say I'm the most emotionally intelligent person ever, but I've been working on it really hard in my 30s. I started to recognize when I would sometimes speak too much in conversation with others, play a bit of a martyr role in my relationships, and hold secret resentments toward others but not express them. I've worked hard in therapy, and I'm happy to say I do less of those things today.

But, like a lot of you, I have several people in my life who are very low on the emotional intelligence scale and have no self-reflection about it. I actually have several family members so low on the scale, that they throw all-out adult temper tantrums.

When dealing with them during any type of conflict, I've thought to myself "This person does not have the capacity to reasonably handle direct conflict or not getting their needs met, and you do." So, I find I have been doing my best to not distress them, and often just giving into them within reason, much as you would an unregulated small child. I often try to limit my time with them, especially in circumstances where the chances are high they will melt down. Especially since working on myself, I find them exhausting to be around.

But I'm wondering, is this truly the most emotionally intelligent approach? Emotional intelligence isn't people-pleasing. How much do you acquiesce to people with low EI? How responsible are you for avoiding their discomfort?

I've been really toying with the idea of the horror of living our entire existence digitally, which I feel may be an option at some point in our future. I'm talking all work, play, friendship, relationships are conducted online in a VR setup. The physical body deteriorates from lack of exercise, nutrition and outside stimuli, and becomes just a vessel to gain access to the virtual world. They could all live in tiny pods, just hooked up to the headsets.

It would especially be horrific if the internet goes down forever, and these isolated, malnourished husks "lose everything" and have to learn to survive in a world they never truly lived in.

Do any of you know anything like that?

I struggle with this communication style so much. It's like they believe asking a direct question and getting a direct answer isn't allowed. I have a friend and a family member that constantly speak to me this way, and it's caused me real upset over the years. Features of this include:

1. Very vague. "We are thinking of going to a restaurant next month some time...", but won't actually give you a day/time/location or ask if you are able to attend. If you ask, they shrug and keep it vague.
2. When it comes down to the actual timing of the thing they want (usually with little time to go), they come in with assumptive language and never ask you for the thing they want. They treat it as something that is a foregone conclusion. "Be sure to bring the kids to Olive Garden with us tomorrow." "We are all wearing red to the party."

In this sequence, it's like saying "No" isn't an option. They don't actually ask you, tell you any details, and then assume compliance. If you try to talk to them about how there was no plan or ask, they seem to believe the vague implications were enough, and that was the "ask." If you say no, they are very upset and treat you like you are being a problem and making things difficult for them.

Does anyone know how to effectively communicate with people exhibiting this pattern? How do you respond in an emotionally intelligent way to the "no ask-ask"?

I struggle with this communication style so much. It's like they believe asking a direct question and getting a direct answer isn't allowed. I have a friend and a family member that constantly speak to me this way, and it's caused me real upset over the years. Features of this include:

1. Very vague. "We are thinking of going to a restaurant next month some time...", but won't actually give you a day/time/location or ask if you are able to attend. If you ask, they shrug and keep it vague.

2. When it comes down to the actual timing of the thing they want (usually with little time to go), they come in with assumptive language and never ask you for the thing they want. They treat it as something that is a foregone conclusion. "Be sure to bring the kids to Olive Garden with us tomorrow." "We are all wearing red to the party."

In this sequence, it's like saying "No" isn't an option. They don't actually ask you, tell you any details, and then assume compliance. If you try to talk to them about how there was no plan or ask, they seem to believe the vague implications were enough, and that was the "ask." If you say no, they are very upset and treat you like you are being a problem and making things difficult for them.

Does anyone know how to effectively communicate with people exhibiting this pattern? How do you respond in an emotionally intelligent way to the "no ask-ask"?

My friend has had OCD her entire life. She has been diagnosed, admits she has it, but won't admit it's a problem. She hasn't lasted much in therapy, she will quit therapy once the therapist starts asking her to take any medication to try to deny her obsessions and compulsions.

However, it's been getting much worse. Her main issues are contamination (especially with food) and memory hoarding. I often find myself only eating what/where she says, only eating certain food around her, following rules about hand washing and touching things, etc. She's even told me I need to leave my leftovers because they would be unclean and now allowed in her car.

Similarly, I need to contribute to her "records." I have to tell her what is going on with me daily, send her pictures of some of my documents/reciepts for things, make videos showing her things, and help her record and remember a lot of things. She said I need to consult her before throwing away anything from school (where we met) in case she wants it for her records and notes.

She told me recently that she believes that these things make her almost "superior" to others. She feels she is clean, and other people are unclean/contaminated. She also feels like she has full control of her life and future, because she has full control of the record of her full past. And that none of her thoughts and experiences will ever be forgotten, even in her old age or after her death.

Is this superiority belief a normal part of OCD? It seems to he stopping her from getting help or getting better.

This is something I've noticed time and time again in toxic workplace dynamics. There is this self-proclaimed office "mother" (although it doesn't have to be a woman). They are typically older, been there for a very long time, and their opinions seem to run the whole workplace. Each new person that gets hired, they vet that person and ask them many personal questions.

If the office mother decides this person is "good", they join this person's clique. If they decide they are "bad", they are excluded, talked about, sabotaged, barred from growth opportunities, and even sometimes bullied out of the department or organization.

This person seems to believe that they are the source of truth and "common sense", and that anyone they like or dislike is fully justified. They seem to really love this position as the head of their clique, and they rarely ever leave the workplace voluntarily, and some of them even stay well past retirement age. They consider themselves to be "true friends" with people at work, love being in the office, and have constant contact with their "work friends" outside of work hours.

I was deemed "bad" in my first corporate job by the office mother. I was 23 and she was in her early 40s at the time. I was very socially awkward and had never worked an office job before. She made it seem like she cared about me and was trying to mentor me and help me with my "mistakes" in talking to people and completing work. All the while, she was gathering info about me to laugh at me and embarrass me around the office.

The best way to deal with these busy-bodies, I find, is to be ultra polite but very surface-level. I now recognize them right off, don't tell them anything personal, and politely refuse to gossip with them. I am superficially warm, but curt. They still find me to be "bad", but usually I get "weird/cold/anti-social" versus "this person is vulnerable", which leads to further bullying.

I grew up pretty isolated in a rural village with parents who were too busy working and too emotionally stunted themselves to pay much attention to me. I spent most of my time either reading or walking around the woods and fields alone. I was praised for being independent, quiet and compliant, allowing them to work more.

I remember going to Kindergarten and being terrified. I had never been around other kids that much, and certainly never 20. I had never seen so many other kids in my life. They all seemed to have established patterns of relation and play that were completely foreign to me. I would try to make friends and play along, but I never got it quite right. I ended up being a bit of a loner throughout my elementary school years, and falling in with people who used and manipulated me in my middle and high school years.

I really struggled in college and in my early career jobs. I had about two friends in the dorms at college, also "weird" kids like myself. I was never invited anywhere, and spent a lot of time alone in the library so my roommate didn't know I didn't have friends. I was bullied pretty badly at my first corporate, office job out of college, to the point where I literally gained 10 pounds of inflammation from chronic stress that only went away after I quit for another job. I used to keep store bags in my car, as I would sometimes go to my car to throw up from anxiety.

Today, I have a very small circle, I'm still a bit of a loner, and I work from home full-time. I've accepted that I will never fully be able to integrate with people in groups, and that I will always struggle socially. Much like the "feral children" studies where they attempt to teach them language and fail, there are some things I never learned about relating to other people, and they are almost impossible to learn as an adult. My brain formed in ways it had to based on the lack of input.

This isn't to say I can't do my best, which I am. I went to therapy, forgave myself, and moved on as best I could. Does anyone else also struggle with never learning to be social with others? How have you worked on yourself and this issue?

Everywhere I look at standard retail, it's beige, stripes, all-black. You used to be able to go to standard American retailers (Gap, Old Navy, J Crew, TJ Maxx, mall brands, etc.) and find fun, colorful, patterned, sequined, embroidered, studded, beaded clothes. The neutrals were there if you wanted them, but it wasn't ALL neutrals.

I was looking at photos of myself in my 20s, and I miss that wardrobe and the options I had. There were patterned peasant tops, "going out" tops with sequins on the neck, fun-patterned summer dresses, even work/corporate tops with flowers or ruffles sewn in.

Where are you getting your non-boring clothes? Where do you go when you need to FEEL something?

Even in my romantic relationships, I'm my own person. I want my own space, my own time, my own hobbies, etc. I also have no problem with my own company, I can do anything and go anywhere alone.

I do not pair well with needy or clingy people. The type of people that need my time, attention and support for every little thing going on in their lives. I get very exhausted by it and I start to question their coping skills, as I feel I've handled everything in my life alone.

I know I'm probably hyper-independent, and it's maladaptive sometimes, but does anyone else feel this way?

For starters, I am a bit old. My go-to eyeshadow, for years, was Covergirl Eye Enhancers in Tapestry Taupe. I'm fair, cool-toned, and I could use it all over the lid for a one-and-done look.

As I've used it since high school, I had several backups. The backups ran out, and I bought another this week. First off, the package is now pink and it's very cheap. The product is barely staying in the pan. When I swatch it, I get almost no pigment. This shadow could be applied wet for a smoky eye on me prior! This one is almost like a nude/beige, it has so little pigment.

It disappears on me now, which is saying something, as I'm PALE. It also creases much easier now.

What happened? Why did they make it so terrible and cheap now? I'm torn between trying to find a dupe, or buying deadstock of the old formula on Ebay and hoping not to get an eye infection.

Has anyone else had this issue? Do you have a good dupe for this absolutely PERFECT standby that they have somehow ruined?!

This one drives me NUTS. They never seem to ask you outright for things they want, or communicate their wants/needs directly. They come at everything sideways, through hinting, obligation, guilt, flying monkeys, etc. You have to intuit what they want, and they get angry with you if you don't. Either that, or they come at you with a full expectation, like "So what are you bringing when you come to my house for Thanksgiving next week?" It's maddening.

My MIL wants to see our kids this summer. However, my husband called her out and tried to hold her accountable last year, and she now doesn't want to talk to him. She has FIL call him, then he asks to speak to our kids, then MIL will magically appear on speakerphone to talk to the kids.

Of course, this visit needs to be multiple days, at her house, and we need to call her, ask her, plan it, pack, and drive them to her. She keeps saying to my kids on speakerphone "You need to find a time when you can come and stay overnight at my house this summer!" She also keeps framing it as her "helping" us. She keeps saying "I'm sure your parents are tired and I know they probably need me to give them a break!" However, she refuses to call us or speak to us about it, and she never makes any solid plans, as this is her hint that we need to call her and ask her to watch them versus her asking us to see them.

My kids are older, have friends and activities, and the summer is filling up. She did this same song and dance last year, and it took her until mid-August to call, since I think she was waiting for us to pick up on her "hint" and it wasn't happening. The crazy thing is, I genuinely think that, in her mind, she's been "asking us" all summer.

Last year, she took Labor Day weekend, and my kids didn't like it, as they missed out on some things with their friends. We told them after that that they didn't have to go that weekend next year. If she waits until late August again, with that weekend out of the question now, she won't be getting them, and I expect a tantrum and the enablers calling us and telling us about how awful we are being to her.

Does anyone else deal with this communication style? How are you handling it? We are lately choosing to ignore the "hints" and indirect/vague "plans" until we receive the formal ask, at which time we are saying "no" more often if it doesn't work for our schedule.

I have kids, so this may not he as effective for you if you don't, but I keep two lists handy on my phone at all times:

1. Christmas/birthday gifts for the kids

2. Things I know need to be replaced

Everytime my kids tell me they like/want something, I add it to their list. I also keep a list of all the things people in my household complain about being broken or crappy. This includes things like the showerhead in a shower, a janky broom missing most of its bristles, etc. I've even included really big things, like needing the house painted or a bathroom upgrade.

Whenever I want to shop, I look to replace things that are broken first or put money toward the larger home projects. If the urge is stronger, then I go to buying something on the kid's wishlists and hiding it until Christmas/their birthday.

This has also helped me finish Christmas shopping between June and October, which has really decreased my stress level greatly during the holidays!

This one hit hard. When I realized it, and saw it, I could not unsee it.

I was trained to be very subservient, obedient, quiet, self-sacrificing. Everywhere I went as a child, my parents would be so proud about how everyone said that I was well-behaved, like a "mini adult", great manners, helpful, etc. I was praised for doing things for others and punished or shamed for doing anything for myself.

The thing is, I got so much praise for this as a child and teen that I was SHOCKED when I struggled so much as a young adult. I was stolen from, taken advantage of, abused (especially at jobs). People were very annoyed with me, asking "Why are doing that/letting someone do that to you? That's your fault!"

They had trained me to be helpful to them and make their lives easier by never asking to get any of my needs met. As an adult, this worked against me and made my life harder, as I couldn't figure out why something I was getting constant praise and conditioning for was causing me so much emotional damage, money, time, etc. It set me back years, as I had the emotional and relational intelligence of a child, and I had to catch up quickly.

And one of the hardest parts of all of this was when I would go to them to try to talk out some of the issues I was having as a young adult, and they would say to me "Why are you letting people shit on you?! I would never let someone treat me that way! That's your fault, why wouldn't you just stand up for yourself?!" These are the same people who would hit me for "talking back."

What is WITH all the weird brand "collabs" they are doing now? I just saw an ad for a Diet Coke themed hair brush set. Who wants or needs a Diet Coke hair brush? Don't we all have a hairbrush by now?

And another ad I saw was for Target x Hollister. Both Target and Hollister have their own stores with their own stuff inside, why a collab? Anything that is sold could be sold by Hollister in their stores or Target without the Hollister logo.

I really noticed it with the first Wicked movie release too. There was Wicked EVERYTHING, makeup, clothes, toiletries, home decor, even FOOD. Minions seems to get the same treatment.

It's just producing double of the items that are already there. It's all so odd, who is buying this stuff? I liked the Wicked movie, but I wouldn't want a Wicked blanket or Wicked clothes. And what happens in 5 years when it just isn't hitting the same as it did when the movie was new?

It's to the point where, when I know I need to take my dog to the vet, I have such dread. We just took one of my two dogs to do a wellness exam, and we found out that she needs to be put under and have her teeth cleaned. According to the vet, this will cost $1,200, but may be more if they decide they need to pull teeth while they are in there.

My typical well-pet visit, which happens bi-annually for both my dogs, runs $700 now with their vaccines and general blood/stool tests.

My oldest dog is now 11, and she's starting to have old-age health problems and I'm scared for my finances. We will always do what we need to do, as I take care of my pets 100%. However, we lost a dog in 2020 to cancer, which cost upwards of $5,000. That end-of-life journey and treatment is likely more now.

As such, I am no longer replacing my dogs, unfortunately. I love my dogs, and they bring such light to my life, but I can't sustain the costs of responsible pet ownership any longer. Once the two I have pass, I think that's it for me.

How are you dealing with vet bills? We are just paying for them and going without where need-be.

I realize a lot of this may have been location and age-specific for me, but...

Almost all of our outfits were VERY uncomfortable. The denim was stiff and unforgiving. The jeans for girls were low rise, and you always had to worry when you sat down and check that your butt was covered. We wore SKIN TIGHT tops and even sweatshirts. Especially the ones from Hollister and Abercrombie, where you had to practically dislocate your shoulders to get in them. We also wore multiple, unnecessary layers that were constantly shifting and bunching. A lot of people we wearing multiple camis, sheer t-shirts, polo shirts, shrugs, and sweatshirts, sometimes all at once! And we also often wore belts that dug into our stomachs when we sat down. And, I can't forget, the bras were unforgiving, padded and had terrible underwire.

The makeup was also intense for high school. We wore a full beat, almost daily. We had to be TAN. If you weren't naturally tan, like me, you begged your mom to let you use a tanning booth and then you used a TON of bronzer. Eyes were often rimmed in black with lots of glitter and mascara. Hair had to be STRAIGHT STRAIGHT. I had curly hair, much to my dismay. And we did this daily! Those of us who rode the bus often got up at 5:30 AM to start the hair and makeup process. People made fun of you if you showed up barefaced or in pajamas too often.

Why did we do this to ourselves? Did you do all this? Were you also uncomfortable from 1998 to roughly 2008?

I honestly don't even know what to do about this when it happens, but it happens sometimes. It's so foreign to me, because my parents/family/friends NEVER did this, I have no idea how to respond or how to take it.

They seem to get very easily overwhelmed. They struggle to make decisions about things, read and comprehend instructions, think/plan ahead, etc. Sometimes, this frustration erupts into adult temper tantrums, sometimes in public. I have been with them in public during these outbursts, and it's highly embarrassing.

One time, when we all still shared a phone plan, we had to go into the cell phone store to re-sign the contract and upgrade our phones. The guys at the cell phone store kept offering them additional options like they always do (add another line, get a discount on a tablet, add in portable chargers or phone accessories). They couldn't decide what to do, and kept getting frustrated, until my FIL went up to the desk and just started yelling at them to just re-do his contract NOW and quit wasting his time.

Another time, MIL wanted to get family members gift cards to Costco, but she didn't have a membership. She threw a complete temper tantrum outside the Costco because they wouldn't let her shop there without a membership, to the point they told her to either pay for a membership or leave.

Just recently, my in-laws have been struggling with an insurance claim. My FIL went to the local agent's office, screamed and yelled at the agent in front of everyone, and slammed doors, etc. He's lucky the cops weren't called. Now he's tasked my husband with helping him find a new insurance agent, because the bridge has been completely burned. He's also been banned from stores and other places due to his crash outs.

Has anyone dealt with this? This is so far outside of what I'm used to dealing with. I often walk away a little bit and try to get distance between myself and them so people don't associate me with them. My husband has also gone behind my in-laws to places to apologize on their behalf. Anyone also have this issue?

I can't help but feel like behavior standards have changed. I am glad to see some of the changes. I feel like families with children who are special needs should feel free to go out anywhere, and I'm glad kids can be kids without some of the really rigid standards and punishments I grew up with. I remember my mother pinching the skin behind my knees and twisting it in church if I wasn't sitting still enough.

My kids are now older (13 and 9), but I was pretty diligent with manners and behavior, even from a young age. Now, whenever we go out to eat, to the store, to a public function, I see kids touching or breaking things, running around in circles, screaming, wrestling on the floor, climbing chairs or store displays, rough housing indoors, etc. That's just not something I feel that I saw often pre-COVID. My kids will often turn to me and say "What was THAT about!? Did you see that?"

Just this week, we met a friend for lunch with two boys ages 5 and 8. They were climbing into open booths, wrestling on the floor, throwing paper, etc. The thing is, they weren't alone. Other mothers were there with their kids, and many were doing the same, or glued to I-Pads. My friend said that all the boys just behave like that, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. She said she gets no behavior notes at all from school or daycare, and kids all just do that now.

Is that true? Have behavior standards changed? Are kids allowed now to run around, kick, wrestle, and jump on things in public places? What is going on in your circles with public behavior?

I was born in the 80s, so the internet didn't really flourish until I was in High School, and social media wasn't a thing until I was in college. Even back then, the internet was still mostly little corners where people with similar interests participated in threads and text-based content.

I also grew up in a rural village in the Midwest. My only "store" was the gas station in town. If we needed groceries, clothing, etc., we needed to go "into town", which was 25 minutes by car. My nearest proper "mall" was 45 minutes by car, and we almost never went.

As such, my options were VERY limited. "Town" had a Wal-Mart, a K-Mart, a ShopKo, and a Fashion Bug. And that was IF you could convince your parents to take you to one of those. Mostly, they just went for groceries or to the hardware store. I got magazines, and we had cable, so I saw the stuff that people had at the time (Coach purses, Juicy Couture tracksuits, fun jewelry, sparkly makeup), but I had no real way of accessing any of that (or money for it).

Once per year, sometime in August, we would go "school shopping." This usually involved getting a pair of jeans, some tennis shoes, two t-shirts, and bras/underwear/socks. At Christmas, I would usually ask for a specific sweater or earrings from Fashion Bug or ShopKo, and I would be over-the-moon if I got them. Throughout the year, there was no other shopping except for groceries or hardware.

Y'all, I knew EVERYTHING I owned in detail (as I owned very little). I LOVED my most favorite items and used them to death (which is how I learned to mend clothes). I have never again experienced that level of excitement I would get for my once-per-year school shopping or Christmas gifts. I really miss that time sometimes.