u/Classic-Work-8415

I'm a 20 year old college student and nothing in my life is going good. My grades are in the toilet. I don't even enjoy my department. I have very few friends. Whenever I try to strike up a conversation with a classmate, it just dies after a few sentences. No one approaches me. I don't and never had a love life. I don't even have any ladies around me that I can approach because I already have very few people in my life. I started to think I repel women. I fail at everything I attempt at, like driving. I never cared much for driving, but my dad decided it was about time to get a driving license. I failed my driving test. 9 times. Now, he isn't as enthusiastic as he was before. He doesn't even bring it up. He also treats me like a child and is very controlling. He texts me the dates for bus rides as if I don't know it. He controls my credit card. I'm pretty sure he tracks me, somehow. Whenever I question how does he always know where I am he just dodges the questions. Also I don't even get to own my own credit card. He always bullshits his way around it. Everyone around me has their own cards that their parents send allowance to every month. He just gave me one of his own cards and gets informed of everything I buy. The only independent card I owned got shut down a few months ago because government sucks, and so I'm stuck to his card. I haven't felt genuine happiness for the last 3 years of my life and I can't even indulge in escapism by uploading 5 lousy dollars on my steam account without him barging in and telling me what a lazy disappointment I am. My big brother was having the time of his life during college. He was barely coming home, he was always hanging out with his friends, gaming, partying, drinking, etc. And what am I doing? Just rotting away in my home. I have no one. Everyone treats me like a joke, no one takes me seriously. I want to be game developer, but I know my parents would see it as nonsense and never support this dream of mine. I even took an elective programing course this semester to better myself at game development. I scored a 0 and a 5 out of 100 in the last 2 lab exams.

I genuinely don't know what to do. I'm absolutely WASTING my life. I got no one. I have no love life. I don't even like the way I look. I look stupid. I look childish. Everyone treats me like a joke and nothing else. I'm stuck wasting my time at a department I HATE. My dad treats me like a pet dog. And I can't even buy some games and just have a moment of peace without being reminded of how big of a disappointment I am. I think my dad gave up on me. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME, WHAT CAN I DO TO END THIS MISERY?

I'm a 3rd grade college student, and let me tell you this, I had NO small victories. No love life, close to no friends, stuck studying in a department I don't enjoy, monotone life (home from school, school from home) terrible grades, failed my driving test like 9 times, people around me never take me seriously, everyone treats me like a joke, pretty sure my dad is disappointed of and given up on me, etc.

However a few months ago I finally achieved a small victory. I at least know what I want to do with my life. I want to be an indie game developer. I know, it's a hard job and most likely it won't succeed. But that's not a proper mindset, is it? Maybe it will succeed. I want to leave a mark on the world. I want to create something that people can enjoy and spend time on. I want to create games. I know my parents would never support this dream, so I will put it as my secondary objective and focus on it in my free time. But at least it is something to hold onto.

Maybe it isn't so over for me. I got like 2 good game ideas, I'm thinking of developing the first one to test myself, nothing too fancy, just to see what I can do. I will later put it up for sale on Steam, and go the Terraria route of dropping new updates when I feel like to really whip the game to a good shape. More weapons, more enemies, more bosses, new areas, new mechanics, new NPCs, maybe even new songs if I can compose them. I will hold onto my dream.

I'm 20 years old, this is my 2nd semester of 3rd year in college. I don't know who told me that these would be the best days of my life, but they lied. I never felt this awful in my entire existence. There is NOTHING good happening in my life. I feel lonelier than ever. My grades are trash, I can't drive, I hate my department, I can't even relax and I'm a disappointment to my family.

First of all, I'm lonely. I never had a lot of friends but college really was the final nail on the coffin. I have like 4 or maybe 5 friends. One of them lives in a different city, so it's more like 4. I don't have a social circle to hang out with. I don't even remember when was the last time I wasn't lonely eating my lunch. I don't understand what's wrong with me. It's not like I never tried to make friends, but every conversation I try to strike up just DIES. Everyone is so disinterested in me, it's unbelievable. They just end the conversation as quick as possible and move on. In my first year, I thought I made at least some friends. 4 people. We shared many classes, so I tried to insert myself into their group. Then one day, one of them showed up to calculus, sat in front of me and pulled out her phone. Midway through the class, I noticed she was texting in a Whatsapp groupchat. The chat included all 4 of them, and none of me. I didn't talked to them again after that, I don't even think they even noticed. Whenever I see them on the campus nowadays, I automatically give a quick node and move on, they don't even realize me. Any friendship I tried to make just died in a few minutes. I'm losing confidence in myself every day.

My romance life is even worse. I heard my private math teacher in high school talk to my parents one day after our session, he said something like "He may be lonely now but don't worry, I saw plenty of kids like him. They all had girlfriends in college. The girlfriends broke them out of their shells". It's been 3 years, and I'm still lonely as ever. All my friends are either sexually or romantically active. And me? I don't have anyone. Never had. Honestly, I don't think I ever will. Girls I try to talk are all the same. Disinterested. Not a single one cared about me back. No "hi"s when I come to class, no additional conversation, nothing. I don't even have any idea how to talk to them. How to show interest, how to gain interest back, nothing. My older brother and the rest of my family occasionally ask me about my love life. I just try to dodge the questions because I don't want to talk about how much of a loser I am. Last year, I finally accepted reality and apologized to my dad about being this much lonely and that if my older brother doesn't get married, the family name will probably won't continue. What would be the normal reaction from a father to a son who is sad about possibly dying alone? "You're doing this wrong", or "Don't worry, you'll find someone eventually". Do you know how he responded. "Don't worry about the family name, I got plenty of cousins with families". I think even he gave up on me.

I also have no skills or talents. I am not good at anything I try to do. Last year, dad tried to put me into a driver's course to get my driver license. I told him I didn't even wanted, cared about, or needed one and he got upset with me, so I just sucked it up and went with it. I gave it my best, and failed my driving test. And the next one. And the next one. Until the failed tests reached 9. NINE times I failed. My dad, who was very enthusiastic about it before, doesn't even bring it up nowadays. I failed, and I failed him too. He told me to keep quiet about my failures to my mother, she believes I only failed 5 tests, not 9. I can't even accomplish something as common and simple as this.

And what about my GPA? I used to be decent at high school, though to be fair the class wasn't made up from the most academically successful people. Regardless, I did well enough in my University acceptance exam, and gained a 50% scholarship on a private university. I'm desperately clinging onto it ever since last year, my GPA is 2.00. Literally 0.01 point less and my scholarship will be cancelled. Just one more reason for my dad to be disappointed of me. I also did something I'm not proud of during one final last semester. I cheated. I got caught too. Obviously I failed the class, and can't take the next course until I pass the one I failed at. I'm pretty sure college will last 5 years and not 4. Or at least 4.5 years.

The reason I don't score well is not only because the classes are hard, but also because I couldn't care less. My department, management, is not something I ever wanted, or cared about. I never figured out what I really wanted to do in life until like a few months ago. I want to be an indie game developer. I know, most likely I won't even succeed, but that's just what I want to do in life. But my dad doesn't care. My mom doesn't care either. They wouldn't understand. They're talking about internships now. 3 years of suffering and getting bored to death in a department I don't even like or care about wasn't enough, now they want me to start an internship. Great(!)

My parents are also very controlling even though they act as if they're not. My dad literally tracks me down using some sort of a "friends" app on my phone. Last year he ordered a literal chip to put on animals and told me he was going to insert it to my keychain. Thankfully he didn't but Jesus Christ. He also always asks me "When are you coming home?", "Where are you?", or "How are you coming home?" as if I'm a 60 IQ middle schooler. He also texts me the dates of the buses when I tell him I'm coming with a bus, AS IF I DON'T KNOW THAT, I LITERALLY HAVE AN APP FOR THAT ON MY PHONE AND HE KNOWS THAT. I don't even get to have a real credit card. All my friends have their own cards that their parents send money as allowance to every month. My dad gave me his card. He tracks all my purchases. Whenever I complain about that he always bullshits his way out of the conversation.

And I don't even get a moment of peace. In case if you're wondering, I'm not a lazy fool who lays in bed all day. I do study. I don't like my courses, I don't see my future in my department, I don't even understand what I'm doing but I DO study. My dad never sees my efforts though. He has no idea. Whenever he opens my door (my parents don't even bother knocking by the way) I'm usually chilling. He expresses disapproval every time he sees me doing anything other than studying. It is the most annoying thing ever. And as I said, he tracks my purchases. I can't even get a Steam game now. My other independent cards have been blocked by this stupid country, and my dad can see it when I put money on Steam or buy something on Epic. I can't even get to put 5 lousy dollars on Steam without him coming to me and telling me what a childish lazy bum I am, buying videogames at this age like that. The guy literally refuses to understand that gaming is a full time hobby now, just like how he watches football all the time. This is ridiculous. I'm 20 years old. I should get to have some privacy, not this bullshit.

There is NOTHING good in my life. No one takes me seriously. I'm a living joke to everyone around me. At best, I'm invisible. At worst, a disappointment. I will die as a loveless loner, working a shitty job which I don't even like just to keep the electricity running in my tiny apartment thanks to the global housing crisis, with no happiness to look back on in my entire life, and no accomplishments to my name. I just wanted a happy life, with a social circle, some romantic and social skills to be happy. Did I really asked for too much? And instead look at how I turned out. A loser. Just an utter and complete failure of a person, and a disappointment to his family. Is this really what I'm born to be?