u/Coffeegreysky12

I had an appointment with my doctor today. There is a part of me that recognizes how serious my disorder is. That knows without treatment, I can die of my medical complications. The anorexia, because it has gone untreated for years, without further intervention, will eventually progress and I will die. If I do not go to the hospital, get intensive treatment for it, to stop the weight loss and malnourishment, my body won't be able to handle it anymore. And death is possible. I'm not 23 anymore, like I was during my last inpatient stay in 2009. I'm 40, this has continued for 20 years. In 2021, I developed the medical complications that have caused me severe pain. And increased the depression and anxiety I was already struggling with. I've lived with serious complications for five years.

But just because I am still alive doesn't mean I cannot still die. My doctor warned me how severe this is getting. In 2021, my doctor recommended palliative care as an extra layer of support. She said inpatient is what I need, but palliative care can offer me more support. It was always my decision. And I wasn't scared when she made the referral. I did get very scared when I first started experiencing the worrying symptoms, the constant pain, more weight loss, and worsening health. I knew my organs were being affected by starvation. I couldn't ignore the signs. I couldn't say I wasn't sick enough.

I told my parents about my symptoms, who were scared for me and in denial for a while. Until the person from palliative care explained to them in detail what is happening to my body. That this is what happens when anorexia is progressing. Things like losing weight without trying, losing my appetite, disliking foods I used to like, growing weaker, no longer being able to do certain things without getting tired, are all signs of decline after you've struggled with a serious illness for years. While I've always been at a low weight, I have recently experienced a further drop in weight. Which I am worried about.

I stepped on the scale today at the doctor and wanted to cry. I was hoping the one at my house, which always reads the same number, was possibly wrong. The number at the doctor was always a bit higher, and I was hoping the one at my house was wrong. That I couldn't possibly have lost as much weight as I have. Today, this confirmed it. I have lost more weight. I was maintaining for a while, even if it wasn't a healthy weight. Now, it's lower. People from palliative care wrote in their notes that maintaining or gaining weight, vs losing weight, is good. When I was gaining weight for a while, they said it was a good thing. Losing weight will cause me to decline quicker. Stress my organs further. And I know this. And that's bad. It's at a dangerous point. I can't keep losing weight. I do not feel good about this.

At the weight I am at, my organs won't continue to function like they are. There are already serious signs of decline. But I do remember, from November of last year, to March of this year, I ate more, got my weight up on my own, and was feeling better. Unfortunately, things went downhill. And deep down, I knew trying to self recover wasn't enough to stop the progression of this illness. My parents are not people who take difficult information easily. I've read about unintentional weight loss when an illness is progressing. Without a doubt, I do not eat enough in general, to maintain a healthy weight. But now, all it takes is me throwing away part of my meals. Eating slightly less than I did the day before, and there will be a dramatic drop in weight.

I experience painful and frequent urination, have lost the ability to properly absorb the nutrients from calories I eat. These are the worst medical complications I've experienced. Every single day, from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep, I am in constant pain and agony. I feel sharp pain. My bones hurt. Always have to be near a bathroom. I get hungry, even after eating a full meal now, due to the organ damage. I get different answers. My treatment team tries to remain hopeful, telling me I would really have to get more help, and put in the effort, but recovery is possible. But palliative care doesn't sugarcoat things. And they said I could go to inpatient, but need to be prepared for the possibility this has progressed to the point they can't fix me.

I don't cry or get upset at hearing difficult news. I've heard it so much, I can remain calm. My mother, on the other hand, cries easily. The first time I had a meeting with palliative care, I saw the tears in her eyes, after hearing something that upset her. And how she had to get up from the table. I heard her crying in the bathroom. After the person from palliative care said what's happening to me is because of years of malnourishment. That organ failure is the outcome. If no further steps are taken to treat this.

Before my complications started, eating and gaining weight was easy. But I had to push myself. I had to eat regularly, and eat more, to make myself gain weight. The severe pain, and the depression, causes me to have days where I consider voluntarily stopping eating and drinking and hospice. The conversation with my doctor was one of the most serious conversations I have had. She didn't sugarcoat what she said. She can force treatment, she can involuntarily commit me to a hospital, if she thinks I am going to die. If I did go on hospice, my parents would be so sad.

My doctor said we are getting close, to where she thinks I will die, if nothing else is done to treat this. When I consider voluntarily stopping eating and drinking, it's just a thought. It pops in my head sometimes, because anorexia is a disorder that causes tremendous suffering, mentally and physically. However, I am not acting on these thoughts right now. I am still eating. I don't have days where I completely refuse food. I make sure to eat something every day, but the effort it takes and the pain I experience while eating, is what pushes me towards those thoughts. I do not want to die, yet so far, I have refused the help that will make me live longer.

I am not on hospice right now. Treatment is always an option. I have had times where I was doing better. This is a time where I am doing worse, and I can no longer remain in denial, like I was in the past. I'm not naive. I struggle with making choices. When I consider inpatient, I always change my mind. Because the part of my brain that is in denial says because I am still alive, at this weight, I won't die. The other part of my brain gets scared, wants more help, worries about dying, wants to fight to get better. When I got scared after seeing the number at the doctor, I thought "Okay, this is getting bad. You need more help. This is not good."

When I was younger, I felt I was maintaining control when I saw the number go down. I thought I was happy. But those feelings are gone. I am not happy. I do not feel good. There is no hiding the fact that I've lost weight. Everyone around me can tell. I saw some family members I have not seen in a few years recently. Without a doubt, they know how sick I am. They all know I've suffered from anorexia for years. I said hi to everyone when they came over. And was glad to see them. But stayed in my room, while they all prepared food and ate together. Because my disorder convinced me I didn't need to eat with them that day. So I stayed in my room, only eating my same foods, after everyone left for the day. I talked with my aunt about the anorexia. She said she loved me and wanted me to get better

Anorexia is a secretive disorder, causing you to fixate on rules. "Can't eat this food. It must be prepared this way and in this amount." This disorder causes you to distance yourself from others. You are worried they won't understand. You think when you are getting sicker, no one else sees it. People see how bad it is. Even if they never say anything.

You cannot hide a disorder like this from those who care about you. Your treatment team getting concerned doesn't mean they are trying to hurt you. Or take control away from you. You have no control when you are sick. You think you do, but you lost it the day you stood on the scale. Your brain, the lies this disorder tells you, your eating disorder is what will hurt you.

I feel trapped, anxious, scared, scared of death, scared of seeing this get worse, scared of not knowing whether treatment will ultimately be my choice. Or if treatment will be decided by someone else. My doctor wouldn't have said what she said if this wasn't getting bad. It was always serious, but my brain tries to tell me I can keep going like this. When you think you are maintaining some sort of control, you are actually being controlled by anorexia. When you think people trying to offer you help, wanting to see you get better are wrong, and that you can handle this on your own, that is a sign you are sick enough.

You can get close to the edge, and think you are invincible. But your body has limits. I try to remain optimistic, however, I get tired of dealing with this. I get tired of the aches and pains, I know I should have more energy. I know I am still young. My body shouldn't be declining. I should think about other things, not just my weight. Going without looking at the number shouldn't make me anxious. Sitting down to a plate of food should be enjoyable. Not make me panic. I worry that my life will be shorter, if I do not make an effort to actually recover and accept more help

Therapists have considered an ivc in the past. Last September, my therapist was ready to ivc me if I didn't go to the emergency room to get checked out. Any therapist can do this. Doctors can force treatment too. I went to the emergency room again recently, and was sent home, and told they couldn't help with the anorexia. Lab results, even in severe anorexia, can often remain normal. But if you take this as a sign you need to get worse, and that you aren't sick enough, I am telling you that you are sick enough. Your pain is real. And no matter how sick you get, it won't be enough.

Even if your labs aren't normal, you won't feel valid. You can die at any weight. You can develop organ damage at any weight. Some people get to where they have damaged their organs, yet feel no pain. Some people always experience pain. Labs coming back normal doesn't mean you are fine. So if that is what you rely on, please take what your treatment team says seriously. If you are in a similar situation, if you've had people tell you that you can die without more help, they mean what they say. It may feel like something like an intervention or being forced into treatment is a punishment. But they do this for a reason.

Hospice sometimes sounds so final, but palliative care has told me it is not a death sentence. I can always change my mind, come off hospice if I start to improve. Nothing is set in stone. But I do know my parents are my main support in life. They drive me to appointments, schedule appointments, understand I have a severe and life threatening eating disorder, as well as being disabled. I need extra help doing things. I always will. If it isn't my parents helping me, it will be my brother, my sister, or someone else in my family. They would be happy if I went to the hospital to work on treating this. They can't ignore that I starve myself and that I am getting sicker, every day. They remember the way I used to be, years ago. They always supported me, but struggle with conversations about palliative care.

They say things like "You aren't too far gone." They hold onto hope for me, when I feel it slipping away. My therapist, doctor and nutritionist hold onto hope for me. They just want to see me better. My mom and dad always make sure I eat something when I am home. They can tell I am doing worse. They even buy me my favorite foods, because they would rather I eat something, than not eat. If I stop eating a food I like, they notice and mention it. To get the foods I am willing to eat, sometimes it takes my dad going to different grocery stores. He will do it. My mom has always been a good cook. She prepares my favorite meals when I am around her. So I do not cause friction, I try to eat everything on my plate when she is around. My behavior gets worse when I am alone, and not at my parent's house. This is where I will often throw away part of my meals, and eat even less. Because no one's around to stop me. And I know I don't need to do this. I'm starving myself and I need to eat every bite, even if it takes me hours. I've been warned by my treatment team, repeatedly, how serious this is. What can happen if I keep not eating, losing weight, refusing treatment.

If I become more quiet around my parents when I am around them, they comment on it. They have noticed my depression, the weight loss, and the difference in my mood. They say "You've changed and you aren't like how you were before."

They care deeply. But our relationship is strained. And my disorder is hard for them to ignore. It's a constant reminder to them, that their daughter who they love, is battling a terrible disorder. My mother always told me how beautiful she thought I was, before I lost any weight. She never made comments about my weight. She always looked out for me and took care of me, since I was a child. Now, our conversations revolve around my illness. Did I eat today? What will I eat for dinner? What did the doctor say? How much do you weigh?

We never had discussions about weight loss when I wasn't anorexic. It changes everything, even the way you interact with others, when you become ill

No one pressured me to be on palliative care. It is something that I have learned a lot about. It is a topic that may make some people uncomfortable. Sometimes, what the people from palliative care tell me is difficult to hear. However, at this point, I can handle difficult news. I can handle uncomfortable conversations. But I do sometimes get really worried. I understand I can die. And I may sometimes blame myself because I didn't listen to people in the hospital years ago, when I was 23, scared, and in total denial. My organs were in danger of shutting down then, yet I couldn't see it.

My body was able to heal, but I had to cooperate with the program. There was no way they were letting me out of the hospital at the weight I was at. And in the physical condition I was in at the time. I fought the help. I cried when I realized I couldn't go home. I was scared because I was away from home. I was so ill, they wouldn't allow me to walk around too much in the hospital and had me use a wheelchair.

They threatened me with a feeding tube. The first hospital stay, they did this. They take things like that very seriously when you are in a life threatening situation. Pressured me to eat, by mentioning the feeding tube. A lightbulb didn't go off in my head. There was no "I'm in the hospital, now I am finally sick enough." Even when you can die, you won't see it. Some people have that moment of clarity, where they recognize they have a problem and they want help at the time. But at the time of my inpatient stays, I simply wasn't ready to listen. No matter how they tried to say it, to warn me I would get worse if I didn't treat this. I thought "These people are wrong. That won't happen to me. Just let me go home and keep doing what I am doing."

I went home, stepped on the scale, lost all the weight they had me gain in treatment, continued to refuse further treatment. Then one day, my whole world changed. I got the medical complications I currently struggle with. And the news that I can die of them. And reality hit me, and changed my entire outlook. I was so much happier, before I got sick. No one told me to lose weight. Anorexia isn't a choice. And you cannot shame someone into eating more. Fixing it. A person has to want to fix it. Sometimes, forced treatment can make a person want to get better. But sometimes, the outcome is not how you think, and the person resists the help. Treatment can help. It can save your life.

No one likes or wants to be hospitalized. It is not supposed to be comfortable. And if you go in denial and think you don't need to be admitted, your feelings are real and valid. But being hospitalized is difficult. And you won't feel special, taken care of, or valid. Even if you get so sick that hospitalization isn't your choice anymore. You won't be proud. I hated the attention I got when I was hospitalized. I wanted to be left alone. But if I had not gone when I did, I wouldn't be here, typing this out right now.

Now, years later, I have to make a choice before I no longer have a choice. I can't eat like I am, stay home, and fix this. To actually fix it, something has to change. I often resist change, and fear new experiences. However, I try to think of the good things that happened when I got hospitalized. All the friends I made, the people there who struggled with the same disorder. How I met one of my best friends there, a young woman who battled anorexia for years. Who I stayed in touch with for years, after I got out. How they all had a unique personality. A different story. A reason for struggling. Some people were getting better. Some people were not. I saw some people crying in the hospital over plates of food. I refused a feeding tube, but saw another girl there that had one. I never want to get to the point where I need one.

But if I get hospitalized, and I do not eat, like I wasn't eating at first the last times, I could get a feeding tube. My brain is my worst enemy. This disorder is not my friend. I had a nice life, before I got sick. I had many different interests and hobbies. Now, my world is so small and narrow, that thoughts of what I eat, how much I weigh, consume my brain. Anorexia is cruel. You have this fire in you in the beginning. When anorexia gets you in it's grip, that fire slowly burns out. Your world becomes darker, cold, lonely. You are in a prison. You aren't ever happy, even if you become so sick that people are ready to force you to go to a hospital. I remember the light in eyes, my once healthy body. When I was able to walk without feeling pain. When I told my dad my weight today, he got very sad. He said he doesn't like what is happening to me. He loves me. But he can't fix it.

It is not easy to do an ivc for anorexia. But it absolutely can happen. It happened to me during one of my hospital stays. The voluntary admission was changed to involuntary. While it's never been an official ivc, that's the closest experience I have. But I imagine the reality of it is way worse. And my doctor said if it comes to that with me, it would be a last resort. To save my life. To keep me from dying. My treatment team can do this, and I do not know what exactly determines it. They said it is not about being a certain weight. The weight loss, they said, is concerning. But it's the overall picture. If they think I am going to die, they will step in.

I did get scared, and agreed to eat. But remember crying, and shaking, as I had to sit down to eat the food they prepared. And calling my parents, begging them to come get me out. I remember being freezing cold, having to get weighed every morning, while I thought the fact they wouldn't allow me to see the number on the scale was the worst thing in the world. They described how my medical complications were affecting me. I always asked to go home. Or if I could know my weight. I wasn't aware of how sick I was back then. No matter what happened at the time, even having one of my voluntary inpatient stays changed to involuntary, being repeatedly warned I could die, made me realize how ill I was

Today was a wakeup call. People in my life just want to see me healthy and happy. I have a good treatment team, monitoring my health. I have loving parents, siblings who care, lots of people who will support me. I am sick. And I can't get better by myself. I can't do this alone. If you are struggling today, please know you aren't alone. If you've been through traumatic hospital stays, I understand. It is not your fault, whatever has happened to you because of this disorder

You don't deserve to hurt. You can feel better. You can be scared, and you don't have to go through this on your own

No number is ever good enough. No number you reach removes the pain and discomfort you feel inside

You think you feel good when you first start losing weight. As time goes by, you become obsessed with checking the number on the scale. You know you have a problem when going one day without checking your weight makes you anxious. You are never really happy. Even when you reach your definition of what is considered to be sick enough or severely ill. Even if you get hospitalized, even if you have a feeding tube, even when you lose a lot of weight, you are going to look at your reflection the mirror and still be sad. You chase after a feeling you will never arrive at.

You worry about your weight and what you eat, to take your mind off other things. Only, you never reach those good feelings you think you will arrive at. Living with anorexia is like living with a rain cloud over you. Every day is grey. Every day is the same. You start doing behaviors repeatedly, feeling anxious when you don't look in the mirror. Or you don't write down what you eat. Or you eat something outside of anorexia's rules

Everyone's rules are different. You go from being healthy to being sick. If you stay sick for years, eventually, getting better starts to terrify you more than staying ill does. A lot of anorexic people deny how sick they are at first, even if a part of you is aware something is wrong. Your family and loved ones see the problem long before you are even aware of how bad it is. When you are younger with anorexia, you often do not think of what happens years later. By staying sick, not fully recovering and becoming a chronic sufferer. I was naive when I first began losing weight. No matter how sick I got, I thought I had to be sicker.

That's why, when you step on the scale, and you've lost even more weight, or you've developed new and worse health complications, you aren't going to see the danger. You may be aware you have anorexia. Deep in this disorder, even when doctors, therapists, nutritionists, and your family, tells you how sick you are, you are going to be in denial. Part of your brain understands you are ill. That's the part of your brain that sometimes wants to get better. The other part of your brain clings to denial

"I won't die at this low weight. I am fine. If I lost more weight, then it would be a problem."

But it's a serious problem, the very day you step on the scale, decide you are unhappy with the number, for whatever reason, and want to change it. For me, I never knew when enough weight loss was enough. I would reach one number. Then my goal would change. I was always naturally skinny growing up, never stood on a scale as a teenager. Never cared about that number. Ate what I wanted. Struggled with depression, but no body image issues. I saw that scale in the bathroom, and the moment I stood on it, a switch flipped in my brain. And it changed everything. The scale becomes really important to you. Controlling your weight, making yourself smaller, gives you this false sense of control.

That is why, no matter how sick you get, you are going to be so deep in this disorder that you may deny how bad it is. You may even refuse treatment, even if you land in a hospital and people are trying to feed you through a tube. You fight with your own mind about what foods you can and cannot eat. It's a war against yourself. But you never win anything. You lose friends, experiences, years and time. Your happy carefree personality changes. You look in the mirror at your reflection. You see you are emaciated. You try to hide the weight loss. It will never work. People who care and pay attention to your health will never be able to forget or look away. They will never stop worrying, never stop trying to make sure you eat something. There will be fights at the dinner table. You will never look at food the same way again. You wish you could be happy, but with anorexia, it steals it away. Replaces those feelings with feelings of depression and pain

The pain it causes others in your life can be immense. I will never forget seeing my mother cry, when my disorder first started at age 20. She asked me to weigh myself. She saw how this disorder changed me into a completely different person. You will experience stressful doctor visits, and in the depths of sickness, make promises with the doctors you will do better. You won't lose any more weight. You won't be able to see how sick you are sometimes. And you will think the idea of hospitalization simply doesn't apply to you yet

"I'm not that sick. Everyone's overreacting. It is not that bad yet. If I was as sick as you say I am, I would feel a lot worse."

Yet, your body shows you signals it's hurting. At night, you are freezing cold and can't stay warm. No matter how many layers of clothes you wear, people notice your weight loss. They see something is wrong. You aren't ready to admit it's to the point of needing to be hospitalized. Your illness drives your thoughts. It's slowly taking you further away from the person you once were. Your bones hurt. You just want to sleep most days. Every day activities start to become a chore. You cancel that fun thing you had planned with a family member. What if they say something about your weight loss? What if you have to eat in front of them?

Anorexia is a lonely disorder, pushing you further and further away from those who love and care about you. You hear the comments from family members

"Have you lost weight? Maybe you should talk to someone. I am getting worried."

"Eat this please. I do not want to see you get sicker. I care about you."

"How much have you lost? You know this is becoming a problem. You need to stop weighing yourself so much. Have you thought of getting rid of your scale?"

If you did not have a problem, someone telling you to stop losing weight, to get rid of your scale, wouldn't send you into a panic. But it does. It's like with any addiction. You have a hard time stopping the behaviors that hurt you. You don't wake up and choose to be sick. Sometimes, people in life who care may get stressed and say things they don't mean. They don't want to see you hurt yourself

But when you are sick, you don't even know why you are hurting yourself. All you know is you fell into a restrictive eating disorder and deep down, you know you can die from what you are doing

When you start losing energy, not being able to focus, when it hurts to walk around, when you can't look away from that number on the scale for one day, when your mom asking you to please eat this meal she prepared makes your heart race, when you sit down and struggle to get through it

The struggle is real. You actually believe the lies your brain tells you

"You don't need to eat all this food. The number could be lower."

In the blink of an eye, you've landed in the hospital for anorexia. Doctors are telling you how dangerous this is. You have to eat more. You can die of organ failure if you continue on the path you are on

You are blinded by this disorder. You don't want to hear what they tell you. You have things under control

But anorexia controls you. You forget how you were before. You want to return back home, stand on that scale, eat your same foods. The hospital is worried you will die, so they don't let you leave. People tell how sick you are. You may or may not get the feeding tube. You feel trapped, and you know they will do anything they can to save your life.

Anorexia was trying to take my life, when I was hospitalized. Still, I couldn't see it then

Now, that I am older with anorexia, and have worse medical complications, I've realized that no number is good enough. No amount of attention, comments, concern from others, hospital stays, emergency room visits, no amount of therapists who repeat to you how sick you are, how much help you need, will make you see this

If you do see it, if you do get out of anorexia, before it becomes chronic, if you do recover before things get worse, you are lucky.

Many people just aren't in the space to want to recover, at the time they get hospitalized. Some people fight the process. Don't believe the people trying to treat you. I thought the doctors and nurses were trying to hurt me in the hospital. Anorexia was the thing hurting me all along

I sometimes hate I even noticed a scale in the first place. I remember the way I was before I got sick. I had my health and entire future ahead of me. Now, I'm so malnourished, that I cannot walk around without feeling pain. I should feel strong and healthy. Not sad and tired. Eating shouldn't make me so anxious. Once upon a time, as a happy and healthy teenager, I ate without fear. I didn't even look at the scale. I looked in the mirror and liked the person staring back at me. I was fine with my body at my healthy weight. Never wanted to hurt myself like this

It's a confusing disorder. People who don't suffer from it don't often understand why we can't "just eat" and fix it

If I could just eat, I wouldn't be severely ill, on palliative care, with horrible and painful medical complications. I wouldn't have gotten to the point where I damaged my organs. If it was so easy to "just eat more" and get better. While the body can be renourished, the mind is also sick. And it's not fixed as easily. Even when you get refed, you can relapse. Everyone winds up with different health issues. Anorexia isn't something that just affects you. Everyone who cares about you will never be able to forget. Even when they don't mention your disorder, you can see this look on their faces. As if they know what is happening to you, and it pains them. That look of sadness and pain. I've seen that on my mom's face and my dad's face.

I wish I could tell people in my life how it's not really about the food. The weight loss is a side effect. It's not about simply wanting to be skinny. You can starve yourself to the point of nearly dying. It's not something to joke about. If someone is saying they are struggling really badly with anorexia, you should listen. Be respectful, even if what they say to you is hard to hear

Your mind is in a cage. Your body is what you take your pain out on. You become a ghost of your former self. And it often feels like you aren't really living. Just existing. You think you deserve this hurt and this pain. You don't.

You deserve peace of mind and freedom from intrusive thoughts that anorexia creates. I know people recover. I've seen it. This disorder is not like movies make it seem. There's nothing glamorous about living in a body that is slowly failing, becoming weaker, about damaged health, and a mind that never lets you rest

You look in the mirror with tired eyes. Even when you say nothing, others see the expression on your face. As if you are saying "I am hurting, but I do not know how to express it."

So this is maybe why you focus so much on what that scale says. On what you eat and how much. To find relief from pain, which was never your fault.

Even if you go through multiple inpatient stays, it can wind up causing trauma, making you more resistant to the idea of getting better when you come out. Yes, recovery is possible. However, just because you end up in a hospital doesn't mean it's going to fix your thinking. For me, hospitalization repaired my body and the health issues I had at the time. It made me worse when I left, and I fear going back to any inpatient setting, due to the past trauma I experienced years ago. And people define trauma in lots of different ways. While everyone focused on trying to get me to gain weight. Me, someone who never thought twice about my weight growing up, became so obsessed with the number that I panicked when I couldn't look at the number for one day

So it changes more than just your body

It changes your outlook on life

I've had anorexia for a long time. In 2021, I developed really complex and severe medical complications from anorexia. I used to go to family gatherings more often, before I got these medical complications. So for five years, I have not seen members of my dad's family. My cousins, my aunts, my uncles. I am really close with one of my aunts. I got to talk to her today and that was nice. My reasons for avoiding past family gatherings, Christmas and things like Thanksgiving, was I was worried about the medical issues. I have to deal with awful things like frequent urination. I also have painful digestive issues. I've lost even more weight since I last saw my dad's family. I was worried they could tell how sick I look. There are dark circles under my eyes, and I look more tired than usual. I tried to wear an oversized sweater to cover up my weight loss. Still, I am severely underweight and I think they all could tell by looking at me. I am also autistic and find social events that involve eating challenging. I prefer to eat my meals by myself or with one or two people I know well. Eating around a lot of people makes me nervous.

Everyone in my family, my mom, my dad, my brother my sister, and everyone in my dad's family, knows I have an eating disorder. My family knows I am currently on palliative care for it and my disorder is progressing. When I talked with my aunt, she said she noticed a couple of things. She hugged me when she first got there. She said she could tell I had lost weight. We all stood outside to take a family photo. When she was talking with me about my health issues later, she said she noticed how purple my feet looked when I was standing outside. Anorexia can cause poor circulation in your feet. This is a common thing that happens with me, but usually, I am not around so many people when it does. Instead of eating the food that was there, I went back to my room. And ate something after everyone left. I told my aunt that my treatment team is really concerned about my health and weight loss. They are saying I could die from the medical complications, without treatment. My aunt made me feel less alone when she said she worries about me and everyone in my family understands I have an eating disorder. She asked me what I ate today and said I should try to eat something again later.

Because events like this often revolve around food, I always feel anxious. My aunt understands how hard it is for me to deal with. She said to call her anytime. We talked about what I eat. I told her what I weighed. I could see how worried she looked when I told her how much I weighed right now. Anorexia can be really painful to go through. Even though I am the only person in my family with anorexia, I know I have a supportive family. And they all want to see me get better. I often do not talk in depth about anorexia with other members of my family. So getting to talk to my aunt was nice. I have a sister. I can talk to her about it. This visit made me feel better about going to future events. I was really nervous at first. As time went by, I got less nervous. Although I will probably always struggle with eating around others. And worrying what others will think.

I think I restrict my intake to control negative feelings. Only it creates a painful feedback loop and those bad feelings remain, no matter how low your weight sinks. The only anorexic people I have met were the people I talked to in the hospital. Otherwise, I have no one in my life who suffers from it and understands it. Not to say my family doesn't understand. My brother even told me he was happy I decided to stay for this family event. I often isolate myself when I am struggling really badly with anorexia. I deserve happiness and know I am not alone

I was in the emergency room for hours tonight getting iv fluids. They said my sodium was low. They had a difficult time finding a vein. Repeatedly had to poke my arm several times. They found a vein, finally. When they finally got the iv in my arm, somehow the iv started to cause me severe pain. And I was laying there for 40 minutes, in tears because it hurt so bad. I had to call a nurse to come take the iv out and they had to give me the iv fluids in the other arm. It took forever. The room I was in was freezing. They tried to warm up my body with blankets. They think that's why the iv was not cooperating at first. They said I was really cold. They were very nice. It's just the pain was so bad. I've had blood drawn and I have had iv fluids before. They were super nice about it and didn't want me to be in pain or discomfort. My parents drove me there, hoping they would admit me to the women's inpatient unit upstairs.

They said at that particular hospital, they don't really treat anorexia. They did give me some resources to look into, and told me to talk to my doctor and therapist, about hospitals specifically for treating anorexia. They did mention a behavior health unit near that hospital that may be more equipped to deal with eating disorders, suggested I call and ask. My parents were once again, frustrated with the outcome. They wanted me to get some treatment for the anorexia, get medically stable in an inpatient unit. My treatment team is hoping if I go back to an emergency room, they will transfer me to the appropriate inpatient unit for people with anorexia. My nutritionist said I should probably just try to find inpatient specifically for those with anorexia, instead of going back to the er.

I had my bags packed and everything. Had the forms signed to be admitted to the women's unit in the er. I was even interviewed. But apparently, the doctor there said that hospital just isn't designed to handle things like anorexia nervosa. This time, I didn't refuse to be treated. They just wouldn't admit me because they don't specifically treat anorexia. There are things like refeeding syndrome that can occur when you start eating more, which is why you need monitoring in a hospital that knows how to treat anorexia, signs to watch for. Behaviors to watch for

I'm not giving up the search to find the right treatment. My treatment team says my anorexia is too severe for partial hospital or intensive outpatient. Labs can remain normal even when you are severely ill. I'm very underweight, have organ damage as a result of staying malnourished for so long and I am on palliative care. Your labs won't always show all the damage building up in your body from starving yourself. You are sick enough. If you go for help and it turns out they can't admit you specifically to that unit, it doesn't mean you aren't sick enough. It means you need specialized care, in an eating disorder inpatient unit.

It's important that therapists, nutritionists and doctors have a good understanding of anorexia. Anorexia nervosa can still make you really ill and be life threatening. Even if you do not feel that bad. I've lost more weight recently. Which I do not feel good about. It's getting really difficult to eat now and I was really hoping for some support by trying to admit myself to inpatient. This doesn't mean inpatient is off the table. From what my treatment team tells me, without a higher level of care, the weight I am at is not sustainable or healthy and the more weight I lose, the quicker it is going to cause me to decline. I do not need to be losing any more weight. And if I cannot make myself eat enough on my own, I am going to have to put myself in the hands of professionals who treat this dangerous disorder. Outpatient is not working. Partial hospital and residential won't accept me because of the severity of my medical issues. My treatment team isn't lying when they say I am really sick and can't get better at home

. My illness is lying when it says I will be just fine, at this low weight. I am not fine at all. I was really scared tonight in the emergency room. This is the second time I have been to the emergency room recently. No matter how many people are paying attention and worrying over you, your disorder is going to find an excuse to make you think you don't deserve more help. You have to get sicker. You need to lose more weight so people will care. All the attention, comments, emergency room visits, doctors telling you how ill you are, parents worrying, none of that will make you feel sick enough. If losing weight took the pain away, that deep sadness inside, then you wouldn't continue to hurt yourself when you wake up the next day. Losing weight doesn't remove the pain. It intensifies it.

And if you ever find yourself in a situation where treatment isn't your choice, either from pressure from your family or treatment team, or something like an ivc, that won't necessarily make you realize how sick you are. I remember fighting the help when I was in inpatient years ago, not believing how sick I was. Sometimes forcing a person to get help makes them realize how badly they need it. Sometimes, forcing a person to get help can backfire and make them even more resistant. I don't ever want to be in a situation where others are deciding my treatment for me. But a therapist can ivc you if she feels she has to. This has never officially happened to me but it came close to happening. And my treatment team is monitoring my health carefully. They won't just let me continue to get sicker, not eat, lose more weight, without intervening. When I told my parents how much I weighed, they got really scared for me and said I have to do better. They do not want me to die of anorexia. There's a part of my brain that is scared to get treatment. There is a part of my brain that knows I need more help. I cannot get better my way. Staying home, eating my same foods, staying in this disorder. I have to be okay with change, new experiences, giving up some of the control this disorder fools me into thinking I have

When you are anorexic, you aren't really in control. You are being controlled, by a devastating mental illness. You believe the mean and untrue things it says about you. My family and care team are on my side. They will help me to find treatment. Anorexia is not on my side. I am reminding myself that getting better is an uphill battle. You face this mean voice in your head, every day. That will do anything to lock itself in place. It tells you you don't deserve to eat or be healthy. But you do. It says unkind things about you. But you didn't choose this disorder. And you deserve so much love and kindness. Anorexia just wants to keep you sick. It will steal away your passion and joy. You aren't just this disorder.

I cling to hope, even when I feel hopeless at times. After 20 years of suffering, anorexia doesn't deserve to take any more of my time from me. Getting better won't magically happen over night. Getting hospitalized is going to be a struggle. Recovering is going to be hard. There are times I will get scared and tell myself I can handle this on my own. I can't handle this on my own. I need more support. I will reach out to my doctor and therapist on Monday. At least I went to the emergency room, even if I was scared. I ate today. I will try again tomorrow.

So I've suffered from this disorder for 20 years. I've never fully recovered. Now I have organ damage from starving myself. I am on palliative care. Now I am experiencing new symptoms that are very worrying. I talked with palliative care. They said losing weight is going to cause me to decline quicker. I was maintaining my weight for a while, even if it was still a low weight. For a while, I had gained a small amount of weight. I was only able to maintain this weight for a few months, before I started experiencing more pain and started losing more weight. Now I have severe stomach pain and eating is extremely difficult

I think what's happening to my body is called cachexia, which is involuntary loss of weight. Which happens when a serious illness is progressing. I stood on the scale and got really scared when I saw how low the number was. I am told without intensive treatment, refeeding in a hospital, my organs are going to shut down.

I can't eat my meals without it taking forever and without experiencing severe pain. I'm losing energy. Every day tasks take effort. I am almost 41 and was basically told yesterday by my nutritionist that if I stay home and don't get treatment for this in a hospital, I am going to die. And dying from starvation is not always quick. Sometimes, it's a long and painful process. I sometimes go into denial and tell myself because I am still alive, that I can stay at this low weight and not die of my eating disorder. But everyone on my treatment team is telling me my options are inpatient or hospice. I will lose functioning over time and won't be able to continue being severely malnourished. I could die suddenly or just get to the point where I can't care for myself anymore and other people basically provide comfort/end of life care. That's what's going to happen.

I guess I am at the point where I need to be scared into making a choice. If I don't try for inpatient treatment, I am certainly going to die one day of anorexia. My organs are going to fail. I stand on the scale and I am terrified at the fact that my weight keeps dropping. This is not a good sign and if the person from palliative care said weight loss is going to cause me to decline quicker, she's not lying. It's the truth. This disorder is lying when it makes me think I am going to be just fine if I stay at home and don't at least try to do something to help myself. Neither option is going to be comfortable. Dying won't be comfortable. Getting treatment won't be comfortable

Therapists can do an ivc. In the past, this almost happened to me. My therapist was about to involuntary commit me last September if I didn't go to the ER. I have a new therapist and asked her what would have to happen for me to be ivc'd. In my session with my nutritionist yesterday, I mentioned to her that every time inpatient is mentioned, I refuse voluntary. Left up to me, my illness makes the choices. I can be told over and over that I can die and I refuse hospital treatment

So I said to my nutritionist, "What if I mention to my treatment team to go ahead and do an ivc on me? I know I am going to be resistant. I know that left up to me, I am going to stay home and slowly starve myself to death. I will always make excuses as to why I don't need more help."

That's why they do ivc's on anorexic people. Because the disorder is going to do whatever it can to lock itself in place and keep you sick.

She was supportive and asked me if I wanted her to reach out to the person from palliative care and my primary care doctor about doing an ivc. I was serious. I realize what's happening to my body is not good and that if I do not at least try to do something different, the other option is one I am not going to like. But it's going to happen. Slowly dying of malnourishment, my disorder reaching a point where my organs shut down.

I was also told by palliative care that inpatient is always an option. But I need to be prepared for the possibility that my disorder has progressed to the point where they cannot fix me. I got scared when she said this. It gave me a harsh reality check. But she also said I am young and a hospital would probably want to try everything they can, to see if they can help me

Inpatient has always been the recommendation. It was recommended five years ago, when I first started experiencing severe medical complications from anorexia. I lost a great therapist, who specialized in eating disorders. She kept encouraging me to go to a higher level of care. I knew she was right. But my disorder drove my choices. And five years later, it's still driving my choices. Telling me I won't die of this. I can keep going

I know it's slowly killing me. It lies to me, when it says I can keep doing this. Nothing worse will happen

What almost happened to me last September, nearly being ivc'd by my therapist, wasn't an overreaction. It was a wakeup call.

I will talk to my new therapist about this. I am reaching a point where if I don't at least try to turn things around, things could become irreversible. I could reach a point where my body just won't function the way it used to. What's happening at home for me is not recovery. And it's not comfortable. That's a lie I tell myself. I am just existing. Tormented every day, by this illness. Not getting better. Slowly declining, in painful ways

So I am asking for advice here. If I do nothing differently, stay home, I am going to die. Do I hand the control over to someone else, let them do an ivc? See if going to a higher level of care will help me? Do I voluntarily go to inpatient? Every time it's offered voluntarily, my disorder makes a list of excuses and reasons to stay home, stay sick.

I have two options. And neither one I am going to like. However, a hospital would be temporary discomfort. Compared to the permanent discomfort of seeing my body and health continue to decline, knowing that one day, I am going to die of chronic anorexia

I've had untreated anorexia nervosa for years and staying at a low weight is pretty typical for me. I never fully recovered from this. I have chronic anorexia. However, months ago, I had gained up to 92 pounds, without having to go to the hospital. I am on palliative care. I feel like if I had any other illness that caused weight loss, the weight loss wouldn't be questioned. But because I have anorexia nervosa, a disorder where you are irrationally afraid of gaining weight, it causes some people to act like I am just not trying hard enough to eat more and gain weight.

Months ago, I was eating my meals without experiencing stomach pain. I still had medica complications from anorexia. But the fact that my weight had increased was good. But my treatment team said 92 pounds was still too low and I would need to gain more. People think I can't do it at home and inpatient is the only way. I am also told my medical issues are too severe for a partial hospital program or residential to accept me. This would be ideal, because I would like to remain at home while still getting treatment. But it sounds like my disorder is too severe for those programs. And inpatient is the recommendation. Otherwise, I am going to get sicker, weaker, and can die of my medical complications. Unfortunately, hospitals make me really anxious. I've been on palliative care since 2021, and my weight usually never went below 89 pounds.

I thought the fact that I wasn't losing weight was good. But I understand I need to gain more weight to reverse the medical issues and the organ damage I have from starving myself for years. My treatment team is telling me to not weigh myself at all, if seeing the number drop is making me anxious. Yet, I want to know what's happening. Today, I weighed myself and the scale read 85 pounds. Sometimes, it says 86 pounds. It's never been that low, even since starting palliative care. Generally, I eat enough to where I can maintain my weight. Not just suddenly start losing weight. The nurse from palliative care said weight loss will cause me to decline quicker. And that scares me. And weight gain will improve my prognosis. But to truly recover and actually prolong my life, I would need intensive inpatient treatment. I don't want this to reach a point where a hospital truly cannot do anything for me and then I just have to go home and accept that my disorder would be terminal. I also understand that doing what I am doing at home is not leading to any significant change in health.

And even though I weighed 92 pounds in March of this year, I still wasn't doing enough to treat the anorexia. And the outcome is basically going to be the same, unless I actually go to a hospital and work on treating this. I cannot stop worrying about the weight I am losing without trying. I'm not happy about it. And wish I could get back to where I was, months ago. This is a scary disorder. Because sometimes, I am in denial of how bad it is. And other times, I really want to try to do something to help myself. But if I am told my two options are inpatient, or eventually hospice, then that's my reality. There's no third option. And my illness could progress to a point where my complications become irreversible. And I want to try to do something about this before it is too late

My appetite has decreased significantly and eating is getting more and more difficult. I appear to be more depressed, since I started losing weight. Being depressed or anxious is not good for me, because it affects my eating. And I can't stop worrying about the fact that the anorexia can become fatal, if nothing is done to treat it. The nurse from palliative care said I may get to a point where I can no longer eat, not because of the anorexia, but because of the natural decline that happens when you have a serious disorder

It's been many years of suffering. At least 20 years. This started when I was 20. And I am now 40. Will turn 41 soon.

During those 20 years of staying at a low weight, and resisting treatment, there was never a period of remission or full recovery from anorexia. Yes, two inpatient stays happened. But these were really traumatic and unhelpful. Unfortunately, I find hospitals to be highly overwhelming and anxiety provoking places. I have autism. Staying in the hospital for weeks or months was extremely challenging. And no matter how long I stayed there, I clung to my eating disorder behaviors as a coping mechanism. No one took the time to understand why inpatient was such a challenge. Even though my hospital stays were so long ago, I still carry the trauma and pain with me

I was resisting treatment. Didn't want to believe I was as sick as they were telling me. Also, when I tried to explain to the staff I had sensory issues that made eating difficult, I felt they didn't validate my feelings. My thinking is often very rigid. And even when I try to make an effort to break out of certain behaviors and eating patterns, I find myself losing hope. And going right back into a pattern of restricting, looking in the mirror, constant weighing

I basically wake up and do the same thing, every day, knowing what can eventually happen. As you get older with anorexia, your body may not be able to handle things like it once could. You may find yourself getting weaker, and every day activities start to become a struggle.

I started palliative care in 2021, to get an additional layer of support. I have developed really painful and serious medical complications, affecting my organs. I am told this is what will eventually happen, if nothing is done to stop the progression of the eating disorder. Eventually, I am going to get sicker. At 40, I don't feel healthy and strong. I feel weak and run down. And this is eventually going to get worse.

If I don't make an effort to eat more, gain weight, get more treatment. I will either die suddenly, or lose functioning over time, and get to the point where I won't be able to care for myself. And then I would either need caregivers to help me do things. And will eventually require hospice/comfort care. My body basically won't keep functioning like this. It's either going to be new symptoms, worsening health, or no longer being able to live independently like I am.

My doctor made the referral to palliative care because she thought I could use more support. And while inpatient has been recommended many times by my treatment team, I don't think I can go through it again.

At one point, my therapist became really concerned for my health and almost ivc'd me. She was about to force me to go to the hospital, whether I wanted to or not. She gave me the option of going to the emergency room otherwise she was going to try to start the ivc process. I ended up going to the ER, spent the night when they suggested it, and then got asked questions about treatment in the morning. I didn't follow through with their recommendations for inpatient or outpatient treatment. I went right back home, right back to the compulsive weighing, and restricting

That was in September of last year. At that point, I didn't think it was possible for things to improve for me. In November of last year, I don't know how things suddenly took a turn for the better, but they did. My parents moved into a new house. And I became motivated to eat more, try lots of new foods. I didn't take the scale to the new house at first. I was happy, for the first time in years. I slowly increased my intake, at home, without having to go to the hospital. My weight went up. I was feeling happier, healthier and wasn't afraid of the weight gain. I went to the store and gladly tried foods that looked appealing.

My therapist continued to work with me, even after the situation happened where she almost had me ivc'd. She was happy I was feeling better. My nutritionist was happy for me too. I wasn't fully recovering. I was still very sick at that point. But even palliative care told me that because I had gained some weight on my own, it improved my health. To recover from anorexia, you have to be okay with gaining weight. And I actually was. When I stood on the scale, and saw that my weight was higher, it didn't make me anxious. This period of doing better lasted from November of last year to March of this year. There were no ER visits, no new health issues that bothered me, no signs of getting worse. I woke up and ate more. And went about my day, not letting the eating disorder control my decisions.

For reasons I don't understand, in March of this year, I lost my therapist, who I had been with for over two years. That's what caused me to relapse. I fell right back into the restricting, compulsive weighing. I lost all the weight I gained. I became more depressed. Stopped going out as much. My mood significantly worsened. Since losing my therapist, I have not been able to eat like I was eating. My medical complications are getting more painful and harder to deal with. Recently, I did get a new therapist. This is good. But I am running into significant challenges with not being able to pull myself out of this hole I am in.

Eating is painful at this point. The meals I eat are becoming harder to get through. I don't enjoy my favorite foods anymore. I can't stop weighing myself. The number is continuing to drop, despite my attempts to eat more. This is worrying. At a certain point, without treatment, my eating disorder will be terminal. That's going to be the outcome. Death from malnutrition doesn't always happen instantly. I've survived since 2021, with organ damage and at a very low weight. This doesn't mean I am not still at risk of death. I am self aware, even if at times, I also go into denial about this. I understand and see the danger. I know, in my 40's, that my body is going to get weaker and give out one day if I don't try to do something differently to help myself.

When I started palliative care in 2021, I didn't have thoughts at that point of wanting to die or wanting to stop treatment and go on hospice. But I've become tired. And I don't see full recovery happening for me. I've not told my parents that I am considering hospice yet. They will be heartbroken. I've discussed this with palliative care. I have discussed this with my doctor, my nutritionist and my therapist. I have not made a final decision

But I am not naive to the dangers of anorexia. If there is one thing I can say to anyone who's struggling right now and doesn't feel sick enough. It's this. I see the pain you are in. Anorexia is a manipulative and cruel disorder. No matter what happens, it is going to blind you to the dangers. Twist your thinking, so you continue to starve yourself. It's going to crush your self esteem and self worth, and you start to believe that you don't need and deserve help. It's going to make you think that you have to lose more weight, so people will care.

But all the people caring and worrying about you won't make you feel valid. You could reach your goal weight, have awful medical complications, spend the night in the ER, get so sick that people tell you to go to the hospital, and you won't see it

You are going to chase a feeling of validation. And you will never reach it. You are going to stand on the scale and see the number is lower than before. Instead of feeling happiness, you are going to feel this ache in your body. Like you have lost your sense of self

Your health may never be the same. Medical complications are scary, unpredictable. And people die of anorexia. I certainly didn't think that all this would happen to me when my eating disorder first started. It stole away my freedom, my peace of mind and my confidence

Anorexia is like a prison I can't get out of. Or a bad dream I can't wake up from. I know people recover. I know people survive it. But people also die of it. People also struggle to fully recover from it. It's hard to talk about things like medical complications, how the disorder ravages your body and your mind. And how it even makes you believe you are going to be this way forever. It turns you against yourself. You start to view food, something you need to survive, as a theat. And you start to see treatment, the thing that can make you better, as the enemy

It's not the way media and the movies portray it. It's a heartbreaking disorder. Anorexia takes a person who never thought of their weight, and causes them to obsess over it. Anorexia is deceptive. It's what is lying to you, when you stand on the scale, and tell yourself that nothing bad can happen. That people wanting to help you are wrong. It is not about vanity. It is not a choice

It is a voice in your mind that never turns off. On good days, that voice is quieter. On days that are more difficult, you have a hard time ignoring that voice. There were times where I never thought of my weight at all. Before I got sick

I miss those days. I hold onto hope I can feel better. But I also understand that if I don't turn things around, I am going to get worse

No matter how long you've been sick, how many hospital stays you've had, what you are currently dealing with, this disorder is never your fault

I am on palliative care for a 20 year history of untreated anorexia nervosa, which I am told will eventually progress to organ failure and death if nothing is done to treat the eating disorder. I am told my medical complications are too severe to be treated at an outpatient level. And that inpatient is the only way to treat the symptoms. I am experiencing painful and frequent urination, digestive issues, and have lost the ability to properly absorb nutrients from food. Which results in unintentional weight loss. I have been on palliative care since 2021. Unfortunately, past hospital stays were deeply traumatizing and unhelpful. I have autism as well. And find hospitals just increase my anxiety.

I have never reached a point of being fully recovered. I have not been in a hospital since 2009. That's when my last inpatient stay was. I spent one night in the emergency room last September, and even that caused severe anxiety. I do not see any meaningful recovery being reached, even if I went to a hospital with people highly experienced in treating eating disorders. There are too many things working against me and keeping me stuck. Rigid and black and white thinking caused by autism. Fear of letting go of my eating disorder behaviors.

I am almost 41, severely underweight, and basically live every single day in terrible pain. I do not enjoy eating. I cannot relax or be happy about anything. My quality of life is horrible. Unfortunately, I don't see myself recovering from this. I think my eating disorder has progressed to the point where it makes life simply not worth living anymore. I want to spend the time I have left at home. Even if I am aware of the consequences of not treating the eating disorder. I sometimes fear death and want to get better. Yet, I am unable to follow the advice of medical professionals. Even when my treatment team suggests a partial hospital program, so I can get treatment for the anorexia while remaining at home, I am apprehensive about it. At most, I see a primary care doctor, a nutritionist, a therapist and people from palliative care. I don't follow my nutritionist's meal plans. I eat a small amount of food. And can't appear to make myself eat more.

When I do eat more, the eating disorder voice becomes very loud and I automatically go back to restricting. I know people recover from anorexia. But I have been sick for a long time. Also, I have a therapist, who told me, if she felt it was necessary and I was a danger to myself because of the anorexia, she would have to do an ivc. I remain conflicted about what to do. People do die of anorexia. People can be forced into treatment for it, which is what an ivc would do. But at what point do you say "Enough is enough?" and just allow a person to refuse treatment, even if their life is shorter because of making that choice. Not everyone with anorexia is motivated to recover.

Forcing treatment on a person who is unwilling to fully recover would likely traumatize them. I have lived in terrible pain for five years. If my future is just going to be worsening health and feeling the same pain, I think my only option will be hospice/comfort care. I can't eat enough to make myself better. If I was ever caught in a situation where someone forced me into an inpatient hospital to give me treatment I don't want, I feel like it would add more stress to what I am dealing with. Every time inpatient is offered voluntarily, I refuse. I am too attached to what is familiar. Being home is familiar. A hospital sounds scary.

Death is also scary. But I am at the point where I don't see myself living past 45 at this point, at such a low weight. I sometimes wish for death. And am disappointed when I wake up the next day. Because I know it's another day of pain. I don't want another year, if it is going to be a repeat of this year. Just more pain and anxiety. I am not going to turn things around. Months ago, I was doing better. But now I am so much more depressed and even though I have a therapist to talk to about this, I just don't see things improving to the point where I am going to make a full recovery. I am told my two options are hospice or inpatient. That my medical issues can't get better by staying at home. Well, the thought of eating more while being in an overwhelming hospital setting is simply too painful to imagine. Even if it extended my life. I feel like Hospice is the only choice I have.

I've always had long hair. But growing up, it wasn't always at classic length. It's naturally straight. It was waist length as a teenager. I didn't realize how long I could potentially grow my hair. I've had many different hair styles. Layers, I used to have bangs while the rest was all one length. These took a while to grow out, but now my hair is all one length. Finally settled on my current style. Worn naturally straight, all one length and worn at classic length. My hair grows really fast. Once I settled on the length I feel it looks best at, I never wanted to go any shorter. My mother cut it to waist length, at the beginning of 2025. Within a year, I was back to classic length. I was sad when she cut it and wasn't expecting my hair to grow back so fast, but it did. I was happy when it grew back to classic. It's not hard to maintain. Regular trims keep it healthy.

My hair care routine is really simple. I use an argon oil shampoo and conditioner, allow it to air dry. I use absolutely no heat or dye on my hair. Wear in a braid often. And sleep on a silk pillowcase to protect my hair from getting tangled. I don't go to salons to get it cut because they always cut too much. Generally, my mother trims my hair and she's usually good at not cutting off too much. What I learned when it was cut to waist length is that while I was distressed at the moment, hair does eventually grow back. Also, good nutrition is really important for hair health and growth. I often get comments about how I get my hair so long. When people suggest I cut my hair, I don't let that bother me

At the end of the day, how long you wear your hair, how you choose to style it, is your choice. If long hair makes you happy, grow it as long as you want. Everyone has a length they feel comfortable with. Don't let anyone tell you that your hair is too long, or needs to be cut. It takes patience to grow long hair. When you achieve your desired length, it really boosts your confidence. I would never cut my hair. I don't get bored of the length.

Posting here because this seems like a welcoming community. In every day life, being autistic causes you to naturally experience misunderstandings with others. Online, this is difficult to deal with. A downvote is done, often with no explanation. It's like giving someone a response saying "What you are saying doesn't matter." Which is hurtful to the person who took time to share the post

I don't get people who downvote a post when you are being honest and just being positive or happy about something

I literally just made a post mentioning how I liked a character's long hair in one of my favorite shows. Then, I mentioned my hair looked like hers. I wasn't bragging. I wasn't being mean. I was posting about how I take inspiration from someone else's hair. It was a subreddit about long hair. Where people post questions and comments about long hair. So the topic of my post fit with the subreddit I shared it in. But I ended up getting downvoted

Someone posted a sarcastic comment under my post stating "good for you," with a picture of a person frowning. It was a sarcastic reply, not a genuine or kind response. Got embarrassed and had to delete my entire post

I was just being positive about something and thought I would get a positive response. Has this happened to anyone else and how do you deal with the feeling of rejection you get?

I think it was the way he delivered his jokes to his audience. He would start off sometimes like he's telling a story. Which you never know if it's true or not. That's how creative he is when he tells a story or a joke. I think what sets him apart from other comedians is the way he talks. He has an old fashioned way of speaking. It is not only the way his voice sounds, but how he delivers his material. Even in interviews where he is younger, you can see that he is obviously well read and intelligent. These facts make him interesting to listen to. His use of certain words like "fella" and "He's a good man," always stand out to me. Sometimes, in interviews, he tries to downplay his intelligence, which works. He knew exactly what to say to make people laugh, and to keep them interested in what he's saying. Also, he seemed to have confidence in who he was. When a joke bombed or didn't get a lot of laughs, he wasn't bothered by that. He wasn't afraid to speak his mind, and seemed authentic. What are some things about Norm that made him unique as a comedian to you?

As a kid, one of my favorite desserts was taking my favorite flavor of ice cream, and adding Reese's peanut butter cups to it. I stopped eating this once I got sick with anorexia. It became a fear food and for years, I avoided it. I made it today and it was great. And reminded me of the times where I was able to enjoy food and not worry about calories. I wish life could be this simple again. I used to eat vanilla ice cream with Reeses crumbled on the top. Today, I tried a coffee ice cream with Reeses peanut butter cups. It's very simple to make. My eating disorder was being very loud today. I ate something that I wanted today. Not something my anorexia told me I had to eat. If you have not tried ice cream with your favorite candy crumbled on top, I highly recommend it. My mom always got me a Reeses peanut butter cup as a treat when I was a child. So I think that's why it's sort of reminds me of my childhood, before my mind became fixated on weight loss and calories. You can bend the rules that anorexia makes you feel like you need to have. I may struggle more tomorrow. Today, I ate something that sounded good to me. The anorexia didn't get in the way.

I am currently replaying one of my favorite songs

I don't know if everyone has heard this song, but it's called Blood Under The Bridge

By the band, Frightened Rabbit. Great band. They have interesting music

What is everyone's favorite song right now? If you don't have Spotify and use something else, that's fine too. You can still share your favorite song or band here

When I was younger, I was sort of naive when it came to anorexia nervosa

I didn't realize there were so many serious medical complications

I didn't realize once I stood on the scale, that it would completely change my entire life

I didn't realize how deadly it is. People repeatedly told me I could die from it, and I just didn't think at the time, that this applied to me

I didn't realize that feeling that you chase after, that feeling of validation or feeling sick enough, never arrives

I didn't realize that a hospital stay doesn't necessarily mean you come out cured or better

I didn't realize there were things like palliative care for anorexia nervosa. Now, years after my inpatient stays, I am on palliative care

You never know how bad things can get, and what can happen

Even when you get sick enough to where everyone is worrying about you and checking on you, at that point, this won't make you feel better

You can get all the concern from your doctor, your therapist, your treatment team, your friends and your family

This won't snap you out of it

It is not unusual to deny how sick you are. Or to refuse help.

You won't stop once you reach a certain number

Even if you reach that number in your mind your disorder tells you that you need to weigh, you are not going to be any happier

My eating disorder has caused organ damage after years of starving myself. When I was younger, they told me to treat this now, and that if I didn't, things could get worse when I got older

They were right. But I didn't believe them at the time, people in the hospital, trying to get through to me

Anorexia can make you stubborn. You may think you can maintain a low weight, and nothing bad will happen

You are always saying you aren't as sick as people say you are

Even when you land in a hospital and people are wanting to give you a feeding tube, this won't make you realize how sick you are

This disorder changes everything

I miss when I didn't have these medical complications. They severely impact my life. And they cause me constant and severe pain

I basically cannot eat without experiencing pain

I cannot go one day without worrying about what I eat. I hate feeling trapped by this disorder

Anorexia isn't glamorous

I was 20 when my disorder first started. I enjoyed the rush of excitement I got, as I stood on the scale and watched the number sink lower and lower. Still, I was never truly happy. I remember no matter how bad things got, my parents always asking about me, everyone worrying when I had to be hospitalized, nothing made me stop and think

Nothing motivated me at the time to want to recover. Now, I am paying the price

So when you think to yourself "I will stop once I reach this weight. I will feel sick enough when I wind up in eating disorder inpatient unit. I will feel valid when everyone is worrying. I will finally feel sick enough when I develop serious medical complications."

All of that could happen, and you will still cling to this disorder, and say you aren't that bad

Even when people tell you that you can die, part of you won't be able to accept this

That is why it is so hard to treat. People can refuse inpatient, even when their medical team tells them they can die without it

But on some level, you understand you can die. When you feel your body slowly breaking down, not working the way it used to, when you are told your organs aren't functioning properly anymore because you starved yourself, there is a part of you that will always fear that. And feel regret

You may fear dying sometimes. Then tell yourself it will never happen to you.

The regret you feel can be immense. You may think "If only I had done what people in the hospital said. If only I had reached out for help sooner."

But anorexia isn't a choice. And even if you are still sick, and not fully recovered, this isn't your fault

There are consequences to staying sick for years, and not treating this disorder

Years of my life were spent being consumed with the scale. I wish I had never noticed a scale to begin with

I've lost even more weight recently. The pain from my medical complications is increasing. My depression is getting worse. And despite being told I can die from my medical complications, I still struggle with stopping certain behaviors

I never thought I would still be anorexic at age 40. This year, I will turn 41 and this disorder still has a hold on me. So when I look at younger people with eating disorders who say they don't feel valid or they would feel valid, if they lost more weight, it breaks my heart

And I feel like I have to tell my story, and show people the harsh reality of untreated anorexia

You only have one body. If you do not take care of it, when things start to go wrong, you will wish you had listened to people

When you have severely damaged your health, the concern you get from others begins to not matter. Your mom and dad can cry because they are worried you will die. You won't feel sick enough. Your siblings may distance themselves from you, not because they do not care. But because it hurts them to watch you slowly destroy yourself. Therapists will tell you over and over that you need more help. They aren't lying to you

But anorexia is lying to you, every day, when it convinces you that you are never small enough, thin enough

And that's the end result of untreated anorexia. It takes away your health, freedom, happiness, and peace of mind

Leaves you with a broken body. Sometimes, medical complications from anorexia can't be reversed.

So if you are younger, find yourself in a hospital refusing the help, and you tell yourself you aren't that bad. You could be worse

Things can always be worse

But in the depths of sickness, you are never going to believe things are that bad

Until reality hits you. A medical emergency, concern from your treatment team. New health complications

Gaining weight may make you anxious now.

Down the road, there are much scarier consequences than just gaining weight

The loss of your freedom, health and independence. The loss of your sense of self. And your ability to simply be happy

I can say that I was happier before I lost any weight. Before I was anorexic

I did lose weight. But lost so much more. I lost my once happy personality. My joy for life. My sense of security and peace

The number won't make you happy. Even if you get comments about how thin you are, at a certain point, you will stop caring

The sadness you wake up with will still be with you when you go to sleep at night

You are chasing something you are never going to achieve

If you don't care about yourself

All the people in the world caring about you won't matter

You did not choose to be sick

But when you choose not to help yourself

You can dig yourself into a deeper hole and find a hard time climbing out without support

Every choice you make, refusing treatment, continuing to restrict, not taking the advice of medical professionals

Has consequences

I think these are good signs, signs that I am progressing in the right direction

Lately, I've been happier. I'm starting therapy again, which has improved my mood and made suffering from this disorder feel less lonely. Anorexia can be a very isolating and painful disorder. You often feel like you are going through this on your own

But so many suffer from this disorder. If you are struggling today, I just want to say it does get better. You aren't just the number. Being skinny doesn't not automatically equal being happy with yourself. Even when you lose weight, you can still feel bad about yourself

Ways I am improving, and changes in myself I have noticed

I'm starting to try more new foods. I am usually particular about what foods I eat. Now, I am starting to try new foods again. Recently tried two new kinds of cereal. Also, tried a new coffee today. I also went with my parents this weekend to a chocolate shop and tried some different chocolates. This was fun. I didn't let the anorexia control my decisions that day. I was worrying about my weight when I woke up that day. Then my parents called and surprised me and said they were taking me to try some chocolates. It was a good experience. I have not been doing fun things like this lately. So they sort of encouraged me to get out and do something fun with them. My parents are really supportive, even if the anorexia is a constant battle for me

This is something in recovery I often struggle with. When I find a food I like, I often stay with that flavor or that brand. I often have trouble switching to a new brand if something I like gets discontinued. I have a hard time trying a food just because I think it will sound good. So by going against the anorexic voice, trying some new foods, I have shown that I can do things like this. And the result doesn't have to mean you feel anxiety or you feel bad afterwards. If you never try something new, a new food, for example, you will never know what you are missing

Anorexia often makes me highly focused on rules. The rules anorexia creates. These rules often do not make sense to those who do not suffer from this disorder. But when you are sick, they make sense to you. You cling to them because you think they provide a sense of safety. In reality, what you think is keeping you safe just keeps you sick.

My rules are often hard to go against. Having to weigh myself a certain number of times a day. Needing the number to be a specific number. Having to eat a certain way, at a certain time of day. Having certain foods I will and won't eat. I have changed some of these rules, gone against them some times. But they are still rules in my mind, that my illness tells me that I have to have. But the reason they say getting better from anorexia is not a straight line, is because this is true.

You don't just get hospitalized and come out cured of the illness. You don't just eat more, and get better. The thoughts are a battle in your mind. Some days, these thoughts are quieter. And some days, they are louder. But for some of us, they never go away

Yesterday, I went against these rules. My mother made me something to eat. She likes to cook for people. Sometimes, my eating disorder tells me when I get to eat. And I did hear that voice, that said to refuse what she offered. But instead, when she offered me something to eat, I sat down and ate what she prepared. I noticed I was nervous. But I didn't throw any of what she made away. And I didn't refuse to eat

I sometimes want to run to the scale after eating something, to see my weight. I did weigh myself yesterday. But today, I didn't check my weight. I was feeling sort of insecure today, and when I was getting my coffee today, the lady making my coffee gave me a compliment and said she liked the dress I was wearing. It's small things like this that can lift my mood

I am often highly self critical and very focused on details. I suppose this is why I get focused on what the scale reads that day. If I feel my hair doesn't look right, if I am feeling more pain because of the anorexia that day, if I don't feel like really talking to people, this can affect my whole mood

Basically, I struggle with black and white thinking. And often times, change is highly stressful to me

To get better from anorexia, it requires change. I am learning to relax a bit more. I've been going out and doing more things with my family. Maybe starting therapy again, after months of going without it, has allowed me to have a new perspective

I am not fully recovered. Sometimes, my medical complications are very bothersome. And I do have days where I may get depressed. But I am trying to continue to be positive. Focusing on improvements, no matter how small

I have made it so I am only able to check my weight once or twice a week. By getting rid of the scale completely at my apartment. So while I am there, I don't constantly run to the scale to look at the number. My treatment team thinks this is great, because then I am not focusing on it as much

I do struggle with getting rid of the scale at my parents house. But when I am there, I tell myself if I absolutely must see my weight, to only check it once or twice a week. So this weekend, I only weighed myself once a day. I used to have the scale in my apartment and I was standing on it all the time. So I think this is progress

I never thought I could go several days without seeing my weight, having to look at the number. But now I can. This doesn't completely resolve the anorexic thoughts, but for me, it has helped

So while there are things I struggle with, there are things I am doing better with

Getting better doesn't mean everything is perfect all the time. Or that you have to be happy all the time. I have days where I want to see my weight and days where gaining weight absolutely terrifies me. But then I remind myself, if I want to be healthier and live longer, I need to keep moving forwards, not backwards

I am trying not to skip meals. I sit down and eat, even when the eating disorder voice is particularly cruel that day. Telling me I will never get better, and that things are impossible.

I have days where I restrict more, and worry about my weight. I have lost weight sometimes. And I have gained weight sometimes. I have had times where I have gotten sicker, and where I feel hopeless. And I have had times where I am feeling happier and want to fight back against this disorder.

Whether the number goes up or down that day, it doesn't have to define my worth. I had worth and value before I got sick. I still do. And so do you

I have days where I feel okay with eating more and can push the fear of weight gain aside. I can't predict what days I will struggle. But I know that relapsing, struggling, feeling bad and finding comfort in this disorder sometimes, is understandable

When you are so used to being ill for so long, it can feel scary to do things that mean you are doing better

Change is possible. And change doesn't mean you are never scared

You can be scared and move forward. I have anorexia. It may always be a part of my life. But it doesn't have to define my life

While I may not be exactly how I was before, before I got sick with anorexia, where I never had thoughts of wanting to lose weight

I am still the same person. But the illness I suffer from doesn't have to remove my ability to have good days. Or be happy.

I think all Norm's interviews are hilarious. He's entertaining because you never know what he's going to say. And because of this, his interviews are never boring. One of my favorite interviews is one he did on the Late Show with David Letterman, in 2000. After Norm gets done telling one of his jokes, he pauses for a bit, like he's thinking about something. The audience claps, even though Norm says nothing. He's funny even when he says nothing. And David Letterman responds with "He's not done. He's just resting." This part of this interview is always funny to me, no matter how many times I watch it. And then for the rest of the interview, Norm talks about the first time he got drunk. I can't think of any other comic that sounds like Norm. He was unique and you never knew where a story was going to go. What's everyone's favorite Norm interview?

So I really love this cereal from Whole Foods. The brand is 365 and the flavor I liked was the Strawberry Toasted Flakes cereal. Every time I have gone to Whole Foods, this cereal has been there. I do not eat a lot of cereal in general. But when I discovered I liked this cereal, it became one of my favorite foods. This was the one flavor of cereal that I really enjoyed and when I check online, it's also out of stock there. I am hoping it comes back. This seems to happen to me frequently. I find a brand or a certain flavor I really like and it goes away. I was looking forward to getting this cereal today. I eat granola too. But this cereal was a nice change and gave me more options. As someone who has a limited amount of items I eat, losing one of my favorite breakfast cereals really hurts. I am hoping it's not gone forever and they are just restocking it. Does anyone get sad when a safe food or a favorite food gets discontinued?

I've been wanting to go to Chick-Fil-A for a long time, and for months I have been depressed, and putting it off. I've been getting worse with the anorexia, avoiding foods that I was previously eating. I was happier, for some time, last year. And was eating more variety at that time. Also, I was going into Whole Foods and trying lots of new foods. Recently, due to depression these trips to favorite places to eat and buy groceries have stopped. But today, I asked my dad to take me to Chick-Fil-A and he did. I got the chicken nuggets and the fries. I also got a frappuccino from Starbucks. I am not going to feel bad. I have not had it in a long time. Anorexia often twists your perceptions around food. You feel guilty for eating and food becomes a source of anxiety but it doesn't have to be. Tomorrow, I may struggle. But today, I am ignoring the anorexic voice. I ate something I wanted, not something the anorexia made me feel like I should eat. Hope everyone has a good day.

It seems that for a lot of neurotypicals, they have to have everything constantly loud. Their music always has to be turned up loud. One of my biggest sensory issues is being extremely sensitive to loud sounds and noises.

Loud music, any high pitched noise or sound, feels painful to me. Not enjoyable. Not relaxing

Yet, when I am in the car with someone, they often have to have the radio turned up really loud. I can't listen to music without headphones. I can't watch tv without headphones. The sound, without headphones to control the volume the way I want, is simply too distracting

If I hear a loud tv playing in the background, it's hard to sit down and enjoy it. My family always watches tv with it turned up very loud. It's not relaxing to me. Yet, when I complain, or won't sit and watch tv with them, I don't think they get how this feels for me, even if they are aware I am autistic

I would rather watch a show or listen to a song on my computer with headphones

Also, it seems a lot of neurotypicals like to talk very loud. I live in a quiet apartment, but have older neighbors around me who love to stand outside my apartment, and talk with each other, all the time. They talk very loudly. I keep my apartment really quiet, so I always hear any small sound. I hear when a car drives up, or when someone goes to take the garbage out. This goes on pretty much every day. I can hear this going on all the time. I often wear headphones because it blocks out the noises in the background

I hear doors slamming, people talking all day. It's quiet for the most part. Nobody plays loud music outside, but I have heard people argue with each other sometimes. I just stay inside and never get involved. But even hearing a neighbor's door slam suddenly and very loudly bothers me

My parents aren't autistic so they truly don't get how this feels for me

A sensory sensitivity isn't just being picky

It's is because our brains can't filter the sound like an NT can

Things they are able to tolerate, loud sounds, very loud music, needing to talk very loudly, can be bothersome to us

But I often feel dismissed when I tell someone to turn down the radio. Or that I can't watch tv without my headphones

While everyone can get annoyed by loud sounds sometimes, it bothers us on a level that an NT will never experience

I find hospitals, emergency rooms and doctor's offices distracting for these reasons. All the loud sounds and sensory issues I can't block out.

It's hard living with sensory sensitivities, but as long as I find ways to make it more tolerable, it takes away some of the anxiety that I feel. Headphones are always my solution when there is too much noise going on around me

This is often a common thought process with those with anorexia

You think if you get to a certain weight, it will make people care

Maybe not enough people are constantly asking about you. Maybe you have just been diagnosed and you've developed no serious health problems. So in your mind, you think you aren't sick enough

You think if you develop medical complications, you will feel like you are sick enough. Even if you get to the point where your organs are at risk of failing, where you can die from these medical complications, you aren't going to feel sick enough

You think you have to harm yourself more, starve yourself more, to make people notice your pain

But even when everyone notices, your parents, your family, your doctor, your therapist

Even when you get constant questions about your weight loss, you are going to look in the mirror and think you need to lose more weight

That's how anorexia works. This disorder is never satisfied and no number the scale reads that day erases the depression, the pain, the empty feelings you want to go away

You think you are going to stop once you reach a certain number

You won't be able to

The most devastating thing about anorexia is the way it changes the relationship with everyone in your life who loves and cares about you

I've seen both of my parents cry because of my illness.

My dad cried when he tried to call me one time on the phone. I was at my apartment. Because I wasn't answering the phone, he knocked on my door and looked worried. My phone was turned off. So I had no idea he was trying to get in touch with me. My dad, who never cries, broke down in tears and said he thought I had died of my eating disorder because I wasn't answering the phone. I will never forget the look on his face. I had to reassure him I was fine. But this is something I will never forget

My mother cried when she asked me to weigh myself in front of her and saw the number. She asked me why I was doing this to myself

Even after seeing my parents worry, I still find myself trapped in this disorder, trapped in a cycle of repeated weighing, and restrictive eating

Even when you have to go to the hospital and everyone is worrying over you, you won't feel sick enough. You won't think you need to be at the hospital. Your brain will feed you lies and say everyone around you is wrong. Overreacting. You are just fine. You aren't that bad

You don't reach a certain weight and suddenly feel valid

Those bad feelings you had when you first started restricting. These always remain. And in moments where you do think you feel good about yourself, that's anorexia deceiving you. Lying to you

You can have multiple visits to the ER where people are worried about you. And where they encourage you to go to treatment

You will still think you don't need help

It makes me sad to read posts on here where people say they don't feel like enough people are paying attention. Or they do not feel valid or sick enough to get help

You can have a great therapist that always says the right things

Maybe she is very honest and direct. Maybe she tells you that your disorder is very severe and without treatment, you can die of it

Maybe your therapist has not said this to you yet

But even if she repeats these exact words to you, your brain won't be ready to accept this yet

She could say "Without intensive treatment, I think you are going to die of the anorexia. Your medical complications are too severe to be treated with outpatient. Your organs can't keep functioning at such a low weight,"

As someone who's therapist said these exact words to me, this didn't make me finally realize I was sick enough. I didn't feel like I accomplished something. I didn't feel good

Instead, I tried to deny it was at that point. Even though part of me understood she was absolutely right. That is why it breaks my heart to see someone with anorexia say they won't feel sick enough, until a certain number of people show concern

You can have everyone around you always worrying. You can have your mom and dad always buying you your favorite foods. Your mom will make your favorite meals. They will always ask you if you are eating.

You won't feel special, taken care of. You won't reach those feelings you are desperately after

You are still going to be consumed with thoughts of wanting to lose weight

People around you can love and support you through it. They cannot fix it for you

Some people with anorexia have not been hospitalized yet. And this doesn't mean your disorder isn't serious or valid

You suffer just as much as a person with an eating disorder who is in a hospital

You don't have to wait to be hospitalized or go to inpatient to be considered valid

Your suffering is valid right now

Even when you have been sick for years, part of you will deny that you need more help

When you wind up with organ damage, this may or may not cause a switch to flip in your brain

Some people desperately want to turn things around, once they realized how badly they have damaged their bodies

Some people struggle with feelings of wanting help, and then days where they want to stay in their disorder

Despite the awful medical complications, despite the constant pain, despite having people warning them they can die

If I could go back in time, when I first became sick with anorexia, I wish I could have stopped it somehow, in it's tracks

I wish I could have avoided these years of suffering, pain and misery

There was a voice in my head when I was younger, severely malnourished, in a hospital

That told me I didn't belong there, wasn't sick enough to be in treatment

That voice said the same thing to me, as I stood on the scale, and watched the number sink even lower

That voice took away my confidence

That voice never told me the truth

It made me angry at the people who told me the truth. The people in the hospital, trying to refeed me and get me better

I should have been angry at my disorder

But I clung to it, thought it was protecting me

Now I am older and it's taken so much from me

I sit here as I type this, in severe and constant pain

On Palliative care for the anorexia

Constantly being warned I can die

Being told that my organs are damaged because I stayed a low weight for years

Having therapists, doctors, nutritionists tell me that without treatment, I can die of my medical complications

No matter what has happened to me

Being forced to go to the emergency room by my therapist or she was going to ivc me

Fainting in front of my parents

Arguing with my parents about my weight

Always getting comments of concern for my health

Inpatient stays where people always repeated to me how sick I was

Doctors telling me that I need more help. And that my body won't continue to function like it is

Palliative care telling me that without treating the disorder, I will get worse, decline further and then need hospice care

None of this makes me feel sick enough. Small enough

I still feel trapped. I still feel bad about myself

I am writing this here because I hope it makes someone, who's younger and feeling like they aren't that bad yet, feel seen and heard

Your disorder is never going to be happy, no matter how much you damage your body

I can't even eat anymore without experiencing awful stomach pain and digestive issues

My bladder is messed up because I didn't restore weight. Now I deal with awful frequent and painful urination

The weight loss doesn't resolve the bad feelings inside

There is nothing glamorous about ruining your health

Even if something like this happens to you, it's not going to make you feel sick enough

I wish I could take back the years I stayed sick. I wish I would have taken the opportunities of help that were always offered to me

Before I got so sick, that I am now on palliative care

I feel regret

I feel sadness, for anyone who doesn't feel worthy of help

Or anyone who feels they need a certain number of hospital stays, emergency room visits, therapists showing concern, a certain number of medical issues

Your pain is real

Your experiences are real

We aren't all the same. But we all feel the same amount of pain

We write our stories here because it makes us feel less alone

And that is one thing about anorexia that is constant and doesn't change

Even surrounded by people who love and support you

You are still going to feel like you are going through it alone

But you aren't alone