Married to a Samoan woman, but i think i chose a narcissist.
Hi everyone,
First, I want to make it clear that I don't judge an entire culture based on the actions of individuals. I love Samoan culture and married into it for that reason. The only reason I'm posting here is because some of the cultural dynamics involved may be better understood by people of Samoan background.
Background
I met my wife 10 years ago, and our relationship moved very quickly. At the time, I was living alone in a house that I rented and valued my independence highly. After several months of persuasion, I agreed to move in with my wife and her father, whose wife had passed away a few years earlier.
Before moving in, I expressed concerns about giving up my home and becoming dependent on living in a house that wasn't mine. I worried that during disagreements I might be told to leave, leaving me with little choice but to comply. I also understood that her father may not have been entirely comfortable with us living together before marriage.
I spoke to my wife about these concerns before moving in. She assured me that she understood what I was sacrificing and promised she would never use the house against me. Unfortunately, during arguments, I was repeatedly reminded that it was her house and told to leave.
A couple of years before I proposed, I discovered that my wife had been texting her ex-boyfriend. She had even changed his contact name to make it appear as though she was communicating with a female colleague.
I was devastated and tried to understand why they were communicating. Whenever I asked questions, I was accused of being negative, insecure, or dwelling on the past, even though the discovery was still very recent.
A few months later, I checked her Facebook search history and discovered that she had been viewing her ex's profile multiple times every day throughout our relationship, including after I had confronted her about the texting. When I demanded an explanation, she told me she was checking whether one of her friends might be involved with him. That explanation never sat right with me.
From that point on, I struggled with feelings of insecurity and doubt. I felt unable to have an honest conversation about the situation because every attempt was met with denial, anger, or accusations that I was imagining things.
Around the same time, my sister-in-law's five children were removed from her care due to severe abuse within the home. My wife stepped forward to care for them because the alternative was for the children to be separated and placed in different foster homes.
At that point, I found myself in a difficult position. I was already struggling with trust issues in my relationship, yet we suddenly became full-time caregivers to five deeply traumatised children while both working full-time jobs.
Walking away would have been the easier option, but I couldn't bring myself to abandon my wife or those children. I stayed and helped raise them, and eventually we got married.
I never resented the children. What I did resent was feeling as though the issues in my marriage were never addressed because all of our energy was devoted to caring for them.
Over the years, I became increasingly convinced that my wife is strongly drawn to certain types of men and that she behaves differently around them. When I've raised these concerns, I've been told that I'm insecure, paranoid, or imagining things.
Whether I'm right or wrong, the result has been the same: I no longer trust my own judgment. I constantly question myself and feel as though my concerns are dismissed rather than discussed.
We spent years raising those children before they were eventually returned to their mother, while the father was imprisoned for his crimes.
What hurts is that my wife often dismisses the sacrifices I made during that period. She says I only stayed because I had nowhere else to go. From my perspective, I gave up my home, my independence, and many years of my life because I loved her and wanted to support both her and the children.
Hearing that my commitment was simply a matter of convenience feels incredibly unfair.
Recently, one of the nieces told me her phone had broken. I bought her a replacement because I wanted to help.
When I told my wife, she responded by saying that buying gifts for a teenage girl could make me look like I was trying to groom her.
That comment hurt deeply. I helped raise that child from a young age and have always treated her like family. To have my intentions questioned in that way felt insulting and painful.
After everything that has happened, I've lost a lot of confidence in myself. I struggle to speak openly around family members because I constantly feel judged or foolish.
I love my wife very much, and despite everything, I don't want to leave her. Divorce is not something I want.
What I wanted was a normal marriage where we could focus on building our own life together and eventually have children of our own. My wife knows how important that is to me, which is why it hurts when she says things like:
"God will never bless you with your own children until you change the way you are."
There is much more to this story, but this post is already long enough.
I suppose what I'm really asking is this: Am I genuinely seeing problems that need to be addressed, or have years of conflict and self-doubt caused me to lose perspective? How would you approach a situation like this?