u/Cute-Violinist2843

I was going to get a protection order against my ex, I had all the evidence and paperwork ready, then they call me and tell me they are suicidal, I got sucked in and then other stuff happened too that was so painful and I felt trapped in that situation that I attempted suicide, now I’m so depressed I feel like giving up on everything, they have evidence of me initiating contact with them and they said they’d use it against me in court, so what’s even the point of trying anymore, but I’m so scared that next time they hurt me it’ll be the last because I’m so fragile rn

Also I have no friends, I’m alone, and maybe I can be friends with my ex, they seem like they might be getting better, they are sober now, and maybe if we just don’t date or anything and have a purely platonic relationship it’ll make them hurt me less, atleast then I’ll have a friend I can rely on who can be there for me, atleast I won’t be isolated anymore, maybe I need them in my life rn

I was going to get a protection order against my ex, I had all the evidence and paperwork ready, then they call me and tell me they are suicidal, I got sucked in and then other stuff happened too that was so painful and I felt trapped in that situation that I attempted suicide, now I’m so depressed I feel like giving up on everything, they have evidence of me initiating contact with them and they said they’d use it against me in court, so what’s even the point of trying anymore, but I’m so scared that next time they hurt me it’ll be the last because I’m so fragile rn

Also I have no friends, I’m alone, and maybe I can be friends with my ex, they seem like they might be getting better, they are sober now, and maybe if we just don’t date or anything and have a purely platonic relationship it’ll make them hurt me less, atleast then I’ll have a friend I can rely on who can be there for me, atleast I won’t be isolated anymore, maybe I need them in my life rn

I was going to get a protection order against my ex, I had all the evidence and paperwork ready, then they call me and tell me they are suicidal, I got sucked in and then other stuff happened too that was so painful and I felt trapped in that situation that I attempted suicide, now I’m so depressed I feel like giving up on everything, they have evidence of me initiating contact with them and they said they’d use it against me in court, so what’s even the point of trying anymore, but I’m so scared that next time they hurt me it’ll be the last because I’m so fragile rn

Also I have no friends, I’m alone, and maybe I can be friends with my ex, they seem like they might be getting better, they are sober now, and maybe if we just don’t date or anything and have a purely platonic relationship it’ll make them hurt me less, atleast then I’ll have a friend I can rely on who can be there for me, atleast I won’t be isolated anymore, maybe I need them in my life rn

The way you talk about other ppl, ash, el, the ppl you replaced me with, they were all better than me, i know that, it’s obvious, I shouldn’t care, but I do, all I care about is knowing you love me as much as I love you, I care about that so much I’m putting my plans and safety at risk just to prove that you love me more, but all it’s done is show me that you don’t, I gave you my whole heart, but you could only give me half of yours, that’s why you had some left over to share with others, I have nothing left to share, you have it all, and I don’t know how to get it back from you, seeing you act so in love with someone else does hurt so badly, but it also helps me move on, maybe you were right about moving on helping me

My ideal outcome, would be you focusing on yourself, you wanting to change and get better for us, for our future, and me being worth that focus, not you getting distracted by others so easily, but I’m not worth that, even if I promise that I’d give you another chance, you just waste it like you’ve wasted all the other ones, even if one day we could live happily ever after, I’m not what you really want, and I know that already, I know that I’m just the back up in case what you really want doesn’t work out, it’s why you throw me away everytime you get someone new, and yet I still come crawling back begging for you to reciprocate my love, only to get hurt or abused again, I’m scared of you, but love you more than anyone, it’s a painful cycle to be stuck in, I wish I loved someone who actually loved me just as much back, I don’t know why it feels like death when you don’t love me, maybe it’s because you were the first person to ever actually love me, I have that sacred bond to you that you don’t have to me, because you don’t give your whole heart to ppl, and I do, if I love them fully I love them with all my heart, and you never could do that with me, well I hope I can move on soon, because this is unbearable, I feel like I’ll never be loved again if it’s not by you, but you only give me half love, you’ve only ever given me half love, and I keep fighting for the other half of your heart while at the same time trying to keep my distance out of fear, I feel so broken for doing that

I was in the process of getting a protection order against my ex, but just before I was gonna turn in the paperwork I run into them in a public place, everything came back, and I feel so confused, I still am very much in love with them and I’m questioning if I’m doing the right thing, we’ve been talking and my brain feels so confused, how could I do this to someone I love so much? But at the same time I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop and them to turn back to being abusive, but my brain is fighting that possibility so hard, what if it doesn’t happen? What if they really love me? What if they really mean the things they are saying this time? What if I can feel safe finally? My mind is flooded with this hope, it’s drowning out everything else, my logic isn’t holding in my mind, what should I do? How do I move forward with my original plans when I’m feeling so conflicted?

I was in the process of getting a protection order against my ex, but just before I was gonna turn in the paperwork I run into them in a public place, everything came back, and I feel so confused, I still am very much in love with them and I’m questioning if I’m doing the right thing, we’ve been talking and my brain feels so confused, how could I do this to someone I love so much? But at the same time I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop and them to turn back to being abusive, but my brain is fighting that possibility so hard, what if it doesn’t happen? What if they really love me? What if they really mean the things they are saying this time? What if I can feel safe finally? My mind is flooded with this hope, it’s drowning out everything else, my logic isn’t holding in my mind, what should I do? How do I move forward with my original plans when I’m feeling so conflicted?

I feel like I’m a teenager again with how badly I see myself, the only thing that changed that in the past was when one person finally acted like they liked me for me, unconditionally, it gave me a new sense of being able to be loved for who I was, i was a changed person, able to love myself, even after they left i still loved myself because I realized it was possible to be loved for the first time ever

but now, i feel like I’ve reverted back to my old way, I just recently got out of an abusive relationship, they pretended to love me to my face, but then would say horrible things about me behind my back, and hate on my very insecurities, and now that I don’t have all my attention being focused on them, it’s now focused back on me, and I can’t get the things they’ve said about me out of my head, I feel so unlovable, and even tho I’m making new friends, no one has liked me unconditionally or even just liked me for me yet, partly because I’m afraid to show them the real me because I’m afraid they are gonna secretly hate me for it, is the only way to heal this by finding someone to love me again? Or is there steps I can take to break away from the trauma my abusive ex has reinforced onto my self esteem? And don’t say therapy, I’m already in therapy

I feel like I’m a teenager again with how badly I see myself, the only thing that changed that in the past was when one person finally acted like they liked me for me, unconditionally, it gave me a new sense of being able to be loved for who I was, i was a changed person, able to love myself, even after they left i still loved myself because I realized it was possible to be loved for the first time ever

but now, i feel like I’ve reverted back to my old way, I just recently got out of an abusive relationship, they pretended to love me to my face, but then would say horrible things about me behind my back, and hate on my very insecurities, and now that I don’t have all my attention being focused on them, it’s now focused back on me, and I can’t get the things they’ve said about me out of my head, I feel so unlovable, and even tho I’m making new friends, no one has liked me unconditionally or even just liked me for me yet, partly because I’m afraid to show them the real me because I’m afraid they are gonna secretly hate me for it, is the only way to heal this by finding someone to love me again? Or is there steps I can take to break away from the trauma my abusive ex has reinforced onto my self esteem? And don’t say therapy, I’m already in therapy

I feel like I’m a teenager again with how badly I see myself, the only thing that changed that in the past was when one person finally acted like they liked me for me, unconditionally, it gave me a new sense of being able to be loved for who I was, i was a changed person, able to love myself, even after they left i still loved myself because I realized it was possible to be loved for the first time ever

but now, i feel like I’ve reverted back to my old way, I just recently got out of an abusive relationship, they pretended to love me to my face, but then would say horrible things about me behind my back, and hate on my very insecurities, and now that I don’t have all my attention being focused on them, it’s now focused back on me, and I can’t get the things they’ve said about me out of my head, I feel so unlovable, and even tho I’m making new friends, no one has liked me unconditionally or even just liked me for me yet, partly because I’m afraid to show them the real me because I’m afraid they are gonna secretly hate me for it, is the only way to heal this by finding someone to love me again? Or is there steps I can take to break away from the trauma my abusive ex has reinforced onto my self esteem? And don’t say therapy, I’m already in therapy

How does a person with BPD but in recovery look like? Is it all the good but barely the bad? Or do all the traits change? Do they seem normal after recovery? Or do they still hold onto some of the same habits that aren’t as toxic?

The reason why I keep clinging onto my ex so much is because they pretended like they loved me and I could believe it, I feel like, they’re the only one who could love me after knowing everything about me, but on the other hand they said so many bad things about me that I feel other ppl are only gonna be like their bad side, like they are gonna see me like they saw me when they would split and hate me, both those reasons keep me stuck on them, and makes me scared of finding love from anyone else, because what if they secretly hate me to?

They actually didn’t do anything abusive on this call this time, they were very sweet, but they did try to ask me to go see a movie with them(even tho we are no contact or supposed to be rn) and we flirted with eachother, it felt so nice, way too nice, I stopped it before it got too far, but still, we shared a lot of nice words with eachother, they told me they loved me but I refused to say it back to them, I told them about a couple of my friends, and they told me a lot about rehab, I told them about the book I’m reading “why does he do that?” And read them a couple passages and offered to let them barrow it when I’m done with it, they kept trying to tell me they’ve changed after a month of rehab, and so I told them what they actually needed to change, which is an abuser program, and specialized therapy for their bpd, and I told them that I was gonna block them after the phone call but they convinced me not to by saying I should give them a chance to prove themself by them not reaching out to me anymore(even tho I’ve given them so many chances already to stop) but after everything was said and done, I told them that there’s nothing left we have to say to eachother so don’t reach back out

Oh, also, I told them that thinking about how they’ve abused me makes me not want them in my life at all period, and that I feel so scared when I remember their actions, and that after a year when I see them it’ll only be to get my stuffed animals from the storage unit(because I forgot to grab them before I went no contact with them) and that I don’t know how I’ll feel about them after a year, I might still want nothing to do with them at that point, and they asked me if I would wait for them, and I told them im not waiting for them, and that if I do date someone else it might not even work out in the end, and that I don’t know what’s going to happen

During that call, I feel like I was weak and that I failed to be strong and stand up for what I should want for my future, or atleast what I thought I’d wanted, but in that moment everything just washed away, I didn’t feel like I knew what I wanted or what was really best for me anymore, I just know that it felt so good to talk to them again, and they even talked about us getting married and having kids in the future again, they said so many wonderful things, ugh, I feel so manipulated, they buttered me up exactly how they knew I’d like it, tried to tell me I don’t need to get the protection order so I told them that them telling me that just makes me want to get it even more, and they pulled out new cards to try on me this time too, like using my pictures instead of porn and saying it’s helping them stay away from porn(they are a porn/sex addict) our entire relationship I’ve wanted that from them, that kind of attention and for them to choose me like that, instead of porn or other girls, and they just wouldn’t choose me, but now all of a sudden they will? that call was just a mistake, now that the dopamine and oxytocin are fading from it all, I can see how clearly the manipulation they were using on me was \*clearly manipulation\* lol

But it’s the next day now, and I still feel that tug, to go see them, I’m so tempted, I miss them and want them so badly, even tho I know what they said was manipulation and a lie, I need help to stay away, I know they will just ruin my life more, their manipulation and actions scare me, but when I think about how good things could be it’s like I forgot how scary my life with them has been

They actually didn’t do anything abusive on this call this time, they were very sweet, but they did try to ask me to go see a movie with them(even tho we are no contact or supposed to be rn) and we flirted with eachother, it felt so nice, way too nice, I stopped it before it got too far, but still, we shared a lot of nice words with eachother, they told me they loved me but I refused to say it back to them, I told them about a couple of my friends, and they told me a lot about rehab, I told them about the book I’m reading “why does he do that?” And read them a couple passages and offered to let them barrow it when I’m done with it, they kept trying to tell me they’ve changed after a month of rehab, and so I told them what they actually needed to change, which is an abuser program, and specialized therapy for their bpd, and I told them that I was gonna block them after the phone call but they convinced me not to by saying I should give them a chance to prove themself by them not reaching out to me anymore(even tho I’ve given them so many chances already to stop) but after everything was said and done, I told them that there’s nothing left we have to say to eachother so don’t reach back out

Oh, also, I told them that thinking about how they’ve abused me makes me not want them in my life at all period, and that I feel so scared when I remember their actions, and that after a year when I see them it’ll only be to get my stuffed animals from the storage unit(because I forgot to grab them before I went no contact with them) and that I don’t know how I’ll feel about them after a year, I might still want nothing to do with them at that point, and they asked me if I would wait for them, and I told them im not waiting for them, and that if I do date someone else it might not even work out in the end, and that I don’t know what’s going to happen

During that call, I feel like I was weak and that I failed to be strong and stand up for what I should want for my future, or atleast what I thought I’d wanted, but in that moment everything just washed away, I didn’t feel like I knew what I wanted or what was really best for me anymore, I just know that it felt so good to talk to them again, and they even talked about us getting married and having kids in the future again, they said so many wonderful things, ugh, I feel so manipulated, they buttered me up exactly how they knew I’d like it, tried to tell me I don’t need to get the protection order so I told them that them telling me that just makes me want to get it even more, and they pulled out new cards to try on me this time too, like using my pictures instead of porn and saying it’s helping them stay away from porn(they are a porn/sex addict) our entire relationship I’ve wanted that from them, that kind of attention and for them to choose me like that, instead of porn or other girls, and they just wouldn’t choose me, but now all of a sudden they will? that call was just a mistake, now that the dopamine and oxytocin are fading from it all, I can see how clearly the manipulation they were using on me was *clearly manipulation* lol

But it’s the next day now, and I still feel that tug, to go see them, I’m so tempted, I miss them and want them so badly, even tho I know what they said was manipulation and a lie, I need help to stay away, I know they will just ruin my life more, their manipulation and actions scare me, but when I think about how good things could be it’s like I forgot how scary my life with them has been

I know it’s very common for addicts to be abusive in relationships, but what about after recovery? How do they change? Do the abusive ones really stop being abusive? Was it really just the addiction cussing them to be abusive? Is there any hope that an abusive PA can get better?