Ok so I've been doing a lot of reading of other's posts but I still find myself lacking on information or a way forward.

I am 14 months on HRT, good levels, good T suppression. Don't get nightly erections, get painful erections during intimacy, been doing maintenance because of this while I'm kind of in a stall in what to do and making decisions about surgery but that's years away and I haven't spoken to surgeons yet.

I don't want erections, but I don't know how I can be intimate with my wife without one.

If we start making out I get an erection, which is painful and dysphoric. And the only way for me to climax is through stimulation of the glans. This always results in a painful erection.

My ideal world without surgery would be she just shrinks away and becomes tiny and soft. But intimacy always brings painful erections.

So the core of my question is this

Is there any path forward for being able to let her atrophy, while still using her for intimacy like a large clit while also not being painful?

Because if that is possible I might avoid some surgeries. And it would definitely deal with the dysphoria from intimacy.