u/Dismal-Log-994

I've suffered with body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria since I could remember, but especially peaking at puberty.

My first period was devastating. I was in a period of time where I was being trafficked. Subconsciously I knew what that meant. Pregnancy frightened me then, and even now.

I developed PCOS in early adulthood, along with ME/CFS. It caused me to gain excessive weight in my belly, but not really anywhere else. At that time I was thin, but my stomach wasn't. I looked pregnant, at least up until my body parts started to gain weight when I was 23.

I would look in the mirror and this is what I would see, metaphorically. PCOS caused me to bleed so heavily that I would get hospitalised due to shock. I hated how round my belly was becoming, because it looked like pregnancy.

Something about phobias is that they're not rational, especially when you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder like I do. I would see a firm, round stomach and excessive bleeding and spiral, thinking: "I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant and I'm about to give birth". I never had and never will have sex. My started to tear and claw at my own body, I think because of my OCD-caused dermatillomania suddenly hyperfocusing on my belly and breasts due to my subconscious knowing how badly I wanted them gone.

Sometimes even now I swear I can see my womb through all the fat.

When my periods come, it feels like I'm bleeding out of every orifice. Oddly enough, I do actually get more frequent nosebleeds during menstruation.

This isn't what I wanted for my body. I can't get the surgeries to remove this foul parts of me without serious risk to my health due to ME/CFS. It's all I can think about sometimes. Weight gain helped hide the "pregnancy belly", but now my breasts are too large, and I already hated them when they were small.

My body will simply never be mine.

Anyways, I'm really not an artist, except for when it comes to clothing, which I draw on printed models. This is a crack shot at some weird art style. I only have a blue and red coloured pencil sharp enough to sketch. I just wanted to get things off my chest.

I've never felt comfortable having a real, human body. I never felt comfortable being constrained by what people say is being human, or having a human body, or even a body at all. Last night, I played a game where the character you play is a genderless monster, and the world you were in didn't seem constrained by the standards we are, but it was still a kind world. I would do anything to live in a world like that, where you didn't have to look or speak a certain way to be accepted simply as you are. You just lived, and were judged by your character.

I hate that being human means you work, you conscribe to a "normalcy" that was decided by tradition created by closed-minded people. I know there is value to tradition, but not all tradition is good, and the standard of having kids, having a job, getting married--things universal across the world--is "normal." Who decided that? And why does it matter if we do that anyways? Everyone should live their life in a safe way--women, men, nonbinary and intersex people. Nobody should be forced to behave a certain way to be deserving of humanity.

There's also the issue of having to be confined to a body I never asked for. I don't want to be flesh. I look at the character from the game, who is merely humanoid, and I seriously envy them. Looking at them, you cannot define what even their birth sex is, and their body is inhuman and beautiful. I know this is completely unattainable, but I can't help but feel so, so sad.

Today's dinner is pho I ordered from a local Vietnamese restaurant, and a refresher from McDonald's. I asked for it to be spicy. It soothes my nerves quite a bit

Edit for clarification: I am AFAB nonbinary, but emotionally I do feel a connection with girlhood despite not leaning feminine or masculine at all, because my trauma is tied to having been born a woman and I want to help other AFAB people and trans women

Any Xenomorph
Mananggal (from Filipino folklore)
Any Yautja (including the women!!!!)
Mr. Gap (from a visual novel called Homicipher)
Fuchi (Junji Ito)
Gwimbly (Smiling Friends)
The Singularity (Dead by Daylight)
Cryptkeeper (Tales from the Crypt)
Withers (Baldur's Gate 3)

There are more, but I had to cut the list down

**Note: Took the a couple of the keychains off of my cane for better visibility

I don't like all the songs in Treason, but I LOVE these two. Can also be from concept albums.

Musicals/concept albums I know already with some songs that are on the more intense side:

- Wicked

- Hamilton

- In The Light (A Faustian Tale)

- Everything by Anna Miriam Brown

- Scarlet

- Hadestown

- The Cher Sho

(For reference: "No Happy Ending", "The Inevitable")

**Note: No strategy taken into consideration with the lineup

I was sexually trafficked from around 6/7-11 years old, sold by my father. Strange men coming in and out, only have very few specific memories but I remember them on top of me and when I was young I could vividly imagine the taste and smell of penises, and still do, and get sick at just the idea. I am deeply afraid of men I do not know, that is why I moved into a sorority house, because I was 100% assured men were not allowed in the house past 10PM. It's on the lease, too.

First time I saw a girl bring a boy home overnight, talked to the house mom (something sororities have). She helped me type out a text simply asking to be informed when a man will be over at the house, both overnight and in general, because I get to wanting to be with your boyfriend and I'm much better if I simply know.

Was notified two times.

I see men coming in at 10PM--literally cutoff time. Leave to use the bathroom--random man comes out of room neighbour's room (just a friend of theirs but still). See two men in living room at 12am while going to get a snack. Never told about this. See men leaving when at 4am when I look out the window, multiple times throughout the month. Nobody told me. Inbetween this, I brought it up 3 times, very kindly.

I know in a house with a lot of people, you can't govern them, but it's the fact that I very earnestly expressed my fear and anxiety and even talked about my trauma--then got confirmation MULTIPLE TIMES that this request would be respected--and then just...NOT HAVE IT HAPPEN