u/DramaticFocus4998

Hello everyone. I want to share the news, I previously registered in the Zoe app, I previously registered a profile in other social media, but I was not successful there (recently someone also leaked me) in general, I found a girl who had a ‘match’, we talked a little bit, but I want to meet her (maybe go to the shopping mall to play arcade games) . Again, I'm a little unsure of my decisions, but I won't try until I find out. If you have any tips or advice or opinions I will happy to read it

Hello everyone. I want to share the news, I previously registered in the Zoe app, I previously registered a profile in other social media, but I was not successful there (recently someone also leaked me) in general, I found a girl who had a ‘match’, we talked a little bit, but I want to meet her (maybe go to the shopping mall to play arcade games) . Again, I'm a little unsure of my decisions, but I won't try until I find out. If you have any tips or advice or opinions I will happy to read it

I feel uncomfortable every time it's about Russia and gays. Like I like listening to stories about queer culture in the West or Europe (not modernity, everything that happened before 2010 is interesting to me) but in Russia, stories seem to be something else, something fake, related to slander, uninteresting, irrelevant, or made for the purpose of deception or political scandals. It's not about politics or anything, I'm genuinely not interested in watching the History of Russian queer, because in my brain for me (sorry for the slang) is a cringe . It confuses me because ‘how is this so?’ I had 5 in history (Both in the world and in Russia ) I always watch historical content as much as possible, but some gays confuse me because it's either "slandered" or "boring" in my brain or made for "propangodist purposes" in order to summon a certain "label", and I'm a "strong centrist" person, this is politics that you haven't given up on, it's just more people separates them . Do you have any tips? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

. I feel uncomfortable every time it's about Russia and gays. Like I like listening to stories about queer culture in the West or Europe (not modernity, everything that happened before 2010 is interesting to me) but in Russia, stories seem to be something else, something fake, related to slander, uninteresting, irrelevant, or made for the purpose of deception or political scandals. It's not about politics or anything, I'm genuinely not interested in watching the History of Russian queer, because in my brain for me (sorry for the slang) is a cringe . It confuses me because ‘how is this so?’ I had 5 in history (Both in the world and in Russia ) I always watch historical content as much as possible, but some gays confuse me because it's either "slandered" or "boring" in my brain or made for "propangodist purposes" in order to summon a certain "label", and I'm a "strong centrist" person, this is politics that you haven't given up on, it's just more people separates them . Do you have any tips? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

I am 19 years old, I live in Russia (in the region realy away from capital cities )and I'm genuinely confused about my orientation and I want to hear the opinions of others, because I can't talk to anyone about it, even with a psychiatrist/psychotherapist.

I have a difficult relationship with women and with lesbian/gay issues in general. Part of me is attracted to women, but another part of me is uncomfortable, ashamed, or even resistant to it, but it's all a very complicated and long story.

A bit of context:

1. In 5th grade, there was a new girl in my class who was disliked by others just like me. I began to take great care of her, wanted to spend time with her, gave her sweets, took great care of her, and I think I was kind of in love with her, even if I didn't fully understand it at the time. but she turned out to be an even more unpleasant person (she tried to jokingly throw me off fortunately, no one saw the cliff)
   2)In 8th grade, I became very attracted to a girl from another class again. She was round-faced, wore glasses, and I even gave her a confession note. Listening to music, I imagined meeting her and thinking about her romantically. It still makes me cringe a little bit because it was very emotional.

3)One day I also got attached to a girl on the Internet who was dating a guy I was in a relationship with (I was like a lover and I was 13-15 years old, if I remember correctly, but he was two years older than me). I caught myself thinking that she was beautiful and I didn't mind polyamory or anything, but I had such thoughts because I was all alone at the time and I wanted to have someone.(by the way, she broke up with that guy because of her cheating, but it's a long story) I also once confessed my love to a friend (now we are still friends and communicate, but I won't go into too much detail)
I have a strong distinct reaction to this video with the category lesbian sq01rt (trembling, twitching, arousal ) That's what I watched most of the time to ‘have fun’.
What confuses me is that:
1)there is a statement in my brain that all lesbians or bisexuals or pansexuals are either traumatized or assholes (because I have a friend who was harassed by some bastard, and in college I had a class leader who once slapped my ass as a whole rotten personality. She called me ‘retarded’ for experimenting with images and being friends with girls who treated me like a ‘fool' at the same time, she presented herself as a "mom" for a group or something, and she is either a representative or supports LGBT people. We also have a blogger in Russia named Kaplan (a very immoral person, she sold her animals when they became "uninteresting" to her, constantly manipulating the audience with her fake prl for drugs, and her haters have more than fans, so much so that their group in tg is the largest in the Russian Internet in terms of hate) and she met with a girl (also not a particularly decent person, but there 's a long story here) and she made herself look so gentle and comfortable that she made me puke.
Something I think about loving girl not in the ‘lesbian way’ like in the ‘gay way ‘ with power and control ( like leather man or smt )
2)Most lesbian content makes me feel embarrassed or emotionally depressed instead of feeling comforted.

At the same time:

I've had an interest in men before. (I had an unsuccessful relationship with a pen pal, but then I was paranoid and distrustful of him because it was a virtual relationship, he suggested dating first and I heard about love scams, but I used it to practice English and not feel lonely)

\\\\\\\* I can recognize attractive men and sometimes even think about them sexually.
But emotionally, my reactions often seem more flattering compared to women.

I also have a relatively low libido and weak visualization/fantasy abilities, so sometimes I can't tell if I'm really attracted to someone or if I'm just aesthetically fascinated by them. The only way to find out is for me to date and contact, but I'm sociophobic and misanthropic (but I'm working on it). What do you think about me? Am I weird?

I am 19 years old, I live in Russia (in the region realy away from capital cities )and I'm genuinely confused about my orientation and I want to hear the opinions of others, because I can't talk to anyone about it, even with a psychiatrist/psychotherapist.

I have a difficult relationship with women and with lesbian/gay issues in general. Part of me is attracted to women, but another part of me is uncomfortable, ashamed, or even resistant to it, but it's all a very complicated and long story.

A bit of context:

1. In 5th grade, there was a new girl in my class who was disliked by others just like me. I began to take great care of her, wanted to spend time with her, gave her sweets, took great care of her, and I think I was kind of in love with her, even if I didn't fully understand it at the time. but she turned out to be an even more unpleasant person (she tried to jokingly throw me off fortunately, no one saw the cliff)
   2)In 8th grade, I became very attracted to a girl from another class again. She was round-faced, wore glasses, and I even gave her a confession note. Listening to music, I imagined meeting her and thinking about her romantically. It still makes me cringe a little bit because it was very emotional.

3)One day I also got attached to a girl on the Internet who was dating a guy I was in a relationship with (I was like a lover and I was 13-15 years old, if I remember correctly, but he was two years older than me). I caught myself thinking that she was beautiful and I didn't mind polyamory or anything, but I had such thoughts because I was all alone at the time and I wanted to have someone.(by the way, she broke up with that guy because of her cheating, but it's a long story) I also once confessed my love to a friend (now we are still friends and communicate, but I won't go into too much detail)
I have a strong distinct reaction to this video with the category lesbian sq01rt (trembling, twitching, arousal ) That's what I watched most of the time to ‘have fun’.
What confuses me is that:
1)there is a statement in my brain that all lesbians or bisexuals or pansexuals are either traumatized or assholes (because I have a friend who was harassed by some bastard, and in college I had a class leader who once slapped my ass as a whole rotten personality. She called me ‘retarded’ for experimenting with images and being friends with girls who treated me like a ‘fool' at the same time, she presented herself as a "mom" for a group or something, and she is either a representative or supports LGBT people. We also have a blogger in Russia named Kaplan (a very immoral person, she sold her animals when they became "uninteresting" to her, constantly manipulating the audience with her fake prl for drugs, and her haters have more than fans, so much so that their group in tg is the largest in the Russian Internet in terms of hate) and she met with a girl (also not a particularly decent person, but there 's a long story here) and she made herself look so gentle and comfortable that she made me puke.
Something I think about loving girl not in the ‘lesbian way’ like in the ‘gay way ‘ with power and control ( like leather man or smt )
2)Most lesbian content makes me feel embarrassed or emotionally depressed instead of feeling comforted.

At the same time:

I've had an interest in men before. (I had an unsuccessful relationship with a pen pal, but then I was paranoid and distrustful of him because it was a virtual relationship, he suggested dating first and I heard about love scams, but I used it to practice English and not feel lonely)

\\\* I can recognize attractive men and sometimes even think about them sexually.
But emotionally, my reactions often seem more flattering compared to women.

I also have a relatively low libido and weak visualization/fantasy abilities, so sometimes I can't tell if I'm really attracted to someone or if I'm just aesthetically fascinated by them. The only way to find out is for me to date and contact, but I'm sociophobic and misanthropic (but I'm working on it). What do you think about me? Am I weird?