u/Enki_shulgi

It really is a friendship simulator. For years I've told myself that I'm ok with having zero friends, but I'm starting to think I've just been coping this whole time. Having someone that could depend on me and vice versa, that would appreciate me for who I am sounds pretty nice. But the prospect of TRYING to make a friend sounds embarrassing at best and humiliating at worst. I've been friend-rejected at least 6 times in my life. Prior to that, I was a very poor friend to my core childhood friend group, and the shame and regret of losing all of them also makes me more hyper vigilant of every social mistake I make.

I've joined a couple of discord servers, ones geared towards exactly what I enjoy, with a ton of great, kind, accepting people, but I can never bridge the friendship gap. The amount of emotional energy to keep up a presence long enough that a friendship just sprouts between me and another sounds nearly impossible to maintain.

My fiancee has told me I'm a great person to talk to, that her family and friends enjoy me and my company, and for some reason that makes me even more upset because if other people can see why I'm worthy of human connection, why can't I? it's just frustrating man.

This world sucks and will only get insanely worse. There is no hope. There is no dream of another world. This world is unimaginable suffering, tedium , banality, disease, violence, genocide, dishonesty, treachery and ignorance. What have I done to make any of that better? Not a damn thing. But me not being here means there’s one less starving mouth to feed in a few years.

I wish more than anything I could absorb someone’s cancer. That I could be the body that gets crushed so they can survive. That a stray bullet hits me in the head instead of someone else’s.It would be real fucking cool if my death could save someone’s life, but even my death will be a source of confusion and resentment just like my life is. I just want to be ground to dust and blown away and forgotten about for a million years.

Our future is destroyed. I am going to die in poverty. I have zero friends, a dwindling amount of family, and very little prospects. I couldn’t even imagine making a friend. Imagine talking to someone and not only thinking they’d want to be a friend but giving them a way to contact you further. That is so beyond the pale to me that winning the lottery seems only a tiny bit more far fetched. And the worst part about all of this is that I hate myself so much that I think this is the future I deserve. But why does anyone else have to be roped into my own hell dimension? There’s good people out there that have so much more at stake and will lose everything. The only light at the end of the tunnel is lit by the flames of hell.