u/FailLong3180

The house im living in is making me paranoid. Because I can hear all sorts of coughing and speaking, I am feeling extremely self-conscious and started to whisper as a result.

I just hate being perceived by neighbors here, who are actually just strangers I dont have any connection with. But its affecting my rabbit companion's digestive system. I don't know what to do to get out of paranoia. I have had long term parental abuse and am basically on my own and alone, which is probably the biggest reason why I feel so paranoid, as these people have heard my cries over the years and never helped. I tried brown and pink noises and headphones. These make me even more self- conscious.

The house im living in is making me paranoid. Because I can hear all sorts of coughing and speaking, I am feeling extremely self-conscious and started to whisper as a result.

I just hate being perceived by neighbors here, who are actually just strangers I dont have any connection with. But its affecting my rabbit companion's digestive system. I don't know what to do to get out of paranoia. I have had long term parental abuse and am basically on my own and alone, which is probably the biggest reason why I feel so paranoid, as these people have heard my cries over the years and never helped. I tried brown and pink noises and headphones. These make me even more self- conscious.

The house im living in is making me paranoid. Because I can hear all sorts of coughing and speaking, I am feeling extremely self-conscious and started to whisper as a result.

I just hate being perceived by neighbors here, who are actually just strangers I dont have any connection with. But its affecting my rabbit companion's digestive system. I don't know what to do to get out of paranoia. I have had long term parental abuse and am basically on my own and alone, which is probably the biggest reason why I feel so paranoid, as these people have heard my cries over the years and never helped. I tried brown and pink noises and headphones. These make me even more self- conscious.

From I never promised you a rose garden:

The children on the field were running around, dragging their shadows which reached three meters under the spell of the second sun. They looked so young, strong, bright, and beautiful in the fading light of the day. Deborah had been forced to use and exhaust every drop of her abilities and her will just to reach this stage to be able to look at these children playing easily and laughingly. The wall between them was still in place, it would always stand. Now, she could see the magnificent beauty of the world presented beyond this wall, but it required her to spend all her strength just to look at it.

On the opposite side of the field, there were two other figures walking, casting glows. A young girl, forming a picture of grace and innocence, was holding hands with a young man walking beside her. The young couple slowly circled the perimeter of the field and passed right by Deborah. They stopped and played a few times or talked about something and laughed out loud; from time to time, the young man would lean over and rub his nose into the hair the girl had gathered at the back of her neck or against her cheek.

>>Deborah spoke to herself out loud, just like crazy people do. "I will never have such a thing," she said. "Neither by fighting, nor by studying, nor by working at a job, nor by resisting, will I ever achieve the happiness of walking with such a person or feeling the warmth of their hand."

*A long time ago Carla had told you this, said Lactamaeon from beyond the wire mesh. No matter your studies, your work—the result is still: "good morning" and "good evening."*

>>Quentin might give you water from the feeding tube, said Anterrabae, But he will never run his hand over your face. No one... no one...

The sky was about to grow dark. Deborah slowly stood up and started walking toward the town. It was as if the faces in the church choir were looking at her from beyond the car graveyard and reading the square. Good evening. Good night. They didn't even take her name into their mouths.

*While singing songs together with you, I exhausted all my hope while sewing. That is, even though I stood right beside you, you do not remember who I am. They have come to the graveyard; Anterrabae is scattering his flames inside; Lactamaeon is howling like a dog, the Choir is coming together again —Let's see you work well, lazy girl, let's see you fight well, clumsy girl... never... never...

I feel so bad. The thing is I have had multiple mental health problems over the years which got very bad because of my father's abuse. But now he's left since several months and I am feeling very bad because of the neighbors here. I have had multiple psychoses here before. The walls are very thin, because the building is an old one, and one can hear even the coughing of a neighbor. It's driving me crazy and making me paranoid. There's a saying that to exist is to be perceived. But I don't wanna be perceived at all, in particular by these strangers/neighbors. If I speak my voice comes out as shaky. Today, a guy at the grocery store asked me a few stuff and I could barely speak and felt infantilized.

I got zero protection and basically got noone, which just reinforces my cptsd. I am not even sure how I ended up utterly alone in this world, but I did.

I can't find a job and my degree is not a vocational one either. I don't know, but I feel so trapped here and want to get the hell out of what I have come to view as matrix.

I regret that I spent my years fawning for abusers and putting on the smiling, ever-compliant, ever mute, helpful girl face for everyone.

I had no idea I was neurodivergent, which I only found out about after I was over 25 and even now doctors won't recognize it. When I mention autism, all they ask is whether I used to watch too much TV as a child. It's hilarious.

The education system and all the people associated there used to praise me as that well-behaved person who always works so hard.

And now I got noone by my side. Noone supporting me. I am doing everything on my own, walking, cooking, taking care of everything.

My whole identity was based on being the high-achieving student. I had thought that by getting the highest grades and streams of As, I could guarantee myself a good life. But no.

What did I get in exchange?

I got an abusive parent who made me hold my breath for years in my own house. An exploitative work and very old friends who wouldn't even look me in the eye, seeing I am so depressed and burdened.

I hate this system.

I hate that noone ever taught that what one needs in life is not hard work, but being able to make connections with people and I can't do that. I am nothing but hypervigilant near anyone, cause I feel like I can never ever be myself near them. I feel like an utter alien wherever I go. I hate this place.

I was gonna write 'anger comes out of nowhere', but actually it comes from everywhere. Anything and everything irritates me.

All my life, I was the compliant, smiling, mute person who made everyone else comfortable.

I gave my everything to the education system, trying to ace whatever I was given indiscriminately and tied my identity to that.

Now at 30, all I have is total isolation, alienation, and cynicism. I had thought that by being a good person, everything would work smoothly. But no.

I got mutism, can't talk and because of cptsd and ocd, I can barely attend even classes anymore. So, the only thing I had based my identity on, is gone too.

Being a good person got me exploited at work, abused by parents, overlooked and used by friends.

I feel such general rage and resentment at everyone who had smooth lives. This may sound mean-hearter, but I don't care. Why do I have to suffer and be invalidated?

All the people who smirked at me condescendingly can fuck off to hell.

I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.

Can someone be both vegan and nihilist?

Cause I am at this point where I started to view every kind of social script and every societal construction as utterly fake, arbitrary, and meaningless. All I see is things getting repeated on a loop, aka, samsara.

This might also be my burnout speaking, but I started to view this existence as akin to a kind of loopy simulation.

Regarding veganism, I have been vegan for over 4 years since mid-twenties, and I feel like this is perhaps the only path where I am making some external impact, having agency, and decreasing overall suffering. But I am unsure how this staunch perspective can combine with nihilism.

Edit: If I think that decreasing suffering is an objective thing–since sentient beings have nervous systems,–and it matters, does that mean I am not a nihilist?