u/Fun-Cycle2381

I met Santa Claus on the subway,
he was drinking hand sanitizer.
I met the Easter Bunny at my home,
he hid the eggs meticulously
and then screamed at me
for no reason. 
The Tooth Fairy used to wake me up
by banging on my bedroom door
at night.
Jesus gave me a slap in the face.
God ghosted me.
Angels didn’t call the cops.
The devil showed his face to me. 

As an adult, now, 
I can believe that God is love,
he just wasn’t there when I was growing up.

to eat chocolate for it’s taste, and not due to hunger.

Still a wip so I have eaten half a chocolate bar, but at least I felt some of the taste, whilst previously I could devour like one whole chocolate bar in under 5 minutes, because I was so hungry I just stuffed my face.

I have had dissociation, I have also tried weed. And one of my first thoughts was ”omg so this is not how normal people feel?/omg this feels just like dissociation.”

Is that just me? Because it feels fucked up that I have been basically been going through my life ”high”. Eg it blurs lines like consent, etc. Of course it’s not legally ”high”, but it feels too similar.

(nowadays I dissociate less, weed made me remember the feeling).

Partly of course. But eg couchlocked, dizzy, ringing in ears, tunnel vision, etc. All were part of my dissociation too. Before I had ever even tried weed. It’s fucked up.

Also dissociation sometimes gave me blackout days and moments. Like idk how to explain it, but it feels fucked up that I was so fucked up that it felt like being high. I like the song ”blackout days” by Phantogram.

edit: nice to hear different perspectives in the comments. Seems like a pretty even split on grounding and dissociating. I didn’t mention it in the post, but it’s also different to me each time I take it. Same dose but sometimes I feel nothing, sometimes much, etc. Sometimes present, sometimes not.

The fact that you can punch me in the gut
and I will smile
doesn’t mean that I like being punched
in the gut
it just means
that I chose to smile.

Was it even that bad?
Yes it was still
that bad.
I couldn’t breathe,
so bad
was it.

Jag försökte planera mitt självmord
men det gick inge bra:

Jag fick ett meddelande på whatsapp
som jag behövde svara på.
En kompis ville ses
och kolla på film. 
Jag bokade in filmkvällen
i almenackan
på fredag
och
fick flytta fram självmordet 
till på lördag.

På fredag blev det sent
så jag vaknade sent på lördagen.
Klockan hann bli tre innan jag ätit frukost
och att ta självmord groggy
kändes lite off,
så jag sköt på det,
som alltid.
Jag är lite av en kronisk prokrastinerare.
”Vi gör det senare”.

För det är ju inte bråttom heller.
Att dö alltså.
Jag kan göra det när jag är nittio år
också.

Har jag självmordstankar? Ja,
men jag är också ganska lat,
så jag tror inte att det finns någon risk
för att jag faktiskt skulle göra det,
för att det finns så mycket jag måste göra 
innan jag kan dö.

1. Jag måste städa. 
2. Jag måste kyssas. Och ha sex.
3. Skriva ett testamente.

Jag har inte skrivit ett testamente 
än
så jag kan inte dö
än.

Kanske nästnästa vecka,
då är jag ledig 
på fredagen.

You’re missing out
on 2 concerts
8 sunsets,
hundreds of summer nights,
thousands of kisses
and millions of hugs
and love
more than there are stars 
in the universe.

Forgot to put tw in title, but tw for self-harm

To smile 
until the lips and cheeks spasm 
while your eyes cry.

Smiling is easy. 
You just have to practice
enough.

I don’t want to feel sad
so when I can’t sleep
I look up at the cieling
and smile
until my facial muscles vibrate.

”I am not sad. 
I am happy!”

Right? 
I am in control of my emotions.
Right?
That is what adults do?
They pick their chin up
and they don’t cry
because adults handle their emotions
with grace. 

So I am fine,
don’t worry about me crying,
I will smile.
I know how to do it
while breaking down
on the inside.

It’s silly 
how people call it strength
when crying is much harder
to do. 

I would need to practice 
crying more
but I don’t know how to do it.

I tried pinching myself
but that just left two marks 
on my thigh. 

How do I cry? 
Are there instructions?
I don’t know how to cry
gracefully,
although I have tried.

I try to cry
without moving my face.
Like crying while smiling,
just from the eyes.

So when I am sad at night
I look up at the cieling
and smile
because I don’t KNOW how to cry.
Smiling is easier.
How do I cry?

I don’t even know if I am sad
anymore.
I think I am,
but how would I know
for sure
when my eyes are dry?

Can you be sad without crying?
I think I am
because I feel sad
even though I am smiling.

I am sad, trust me :)

Pink skies
summer nights

Hoping for a ping
from you
even though I won’t send a ping
myself.

Being with you felt like being high.
And I know that
for sure
because I have tried
both.
Actually no,
you felt better than drugs.
I know that
because I miss my drugs
but I miss you more.
I know that
because I asked you to meet,
instead of asking if you knew a dealer. 

I don’t need a jacket
when I hang out with you
because I can’t feel cold
when you embrace me
with love. 

It feels like music
at max volume
straight in my ears
from over ear headphones.
Embraced by sound.
Like dancing to silence.
Like dancing in silence,
like dancing glances.

Like wet eyes. 
Like crying
of laughter. 
Or laughing
after crying.
Or laughing
while crying. 
Or crying
from laughing. 
From missing the laughing. 

Like lying in bed at night
and getting up
to go for a walk
to the bench 
we sat at
that summer night
when the sky was pink. 

It was pink today
again. 

It makes sense,
I mean,
sunsets aren’t a rare event. 
I used to think they were,
rare.

Were you just a night with a pink sky?

In my mind 
I used to think
that sunsets were special. 

I know it sounds naïve,
no, actually,
I know 
I am naïve. 

But what’s so wrong with being soft? 

Just don’t be a dagger
and we would both be fine.

Why did you stab me
in my tender heart? 

I’m bleeding 

pink. Ping! Ouch! 

I should have known that the sun hurts,

but it felt so warm…

like a summer
evening. 
Just like it. 

 cocoa

 I liked chocolate
because it was smooth
because it was food
it smoothed my emotions.
And because it was exciting!
…a little bit
more
for lack of love
for lack for fuel
for me
This is exciting! Give me three!
four
more
and I stop counting
when I throw up
or when it tastes bad
I throw it away
It comes back
 Chocolate is the best snack!

 So smooth…
my emotions
come back
I love…
 chocolate!

 hello?
nom nom, I wan’t to eat you
like a piggy
nom, nom
 I ate them all

 I missed one
in the bottom of the bag
in the trash
I ate that one too
 it was gross

 now what?
I am starving
kiss my lips
so smooth…
like cocoa butter
and sugar
in wrappers
 why hearts?

 I’ll take another one
please
I like to open them up
I want to see the inside
first
before I taste them
nom nom
I ate
 a heart!

 who eats?
pigs
eat
humans
like me
who ate, pig
when they were hungry
 do I look like a pig?

 to you? would you eat me?
What if I took off my wrapper?
would you throw me away
if you got bored of me
or if you threw up
 because of me?

 I like chocolates. And you.
Do you like me? This is my second love poem.
Though this one is gross. Like the others. Just like you are
 sweet

 like your heart
can I have another one?
please
the wrappers taste too plasticy
too smooth
and boring
they have no taste
but at least they don’t disappear
after you ate them
they stay
 shining

 how could I have given it away?
when I wanted it all to myself
stay away!
this is my heart!
it is sweet
and smooth 
 when it melts

 without alcohol
it melts…
the light is bright
the vision is blurry
can I get some tissue paper?
 I lick the drops

 like a human?
kind of gross
to eat
cocoa
 like a pig

 it tasted good
I didn’t throw the wrappers away
I kept them
after I ate the insides
I appreciated the mirror effect
blood looks less scary on another person.
It drips on me.
 I lick it.

 Just a taste.
It tastes like dry lips. Who would have thought that humans…
make me throw up.
Sour acid, to digest
and hide the evidence
throw the wrappers!
 I liked them.

 Yes.
This is a love poem. 
Who doesn’t love hearts?
 Pig like hearts!

 cocoa

 I liked chocolate
because it was smooth
because it was food
it smoothed my emotions.
And because it was exciting!
…a little bit
more
for lack of love
for lack for fuel
for me
This is exciting! Give me three!
four
more
and I stop counting
when I throw up
or when it tastes bad
I throw it away
It comes back
 Chocolate is the best snack!

 So smooth…
my emotions
come back
I love…
 chocolate! 

 hello?
nom nom, I wan’t to eat you
like a piggy
nom, nom
 I ate them all

 I missed one
in the bottom of the bag
in the trash
I ate that one too
 it was gross

 now what?
I am starving
kiss my lips
so smooth…
like cocoa butter
and sugar
in wrappers
 why hearts?

 I’ll take another one
please
I like to open them up
I want to see the inside
first
before I taste them
nom nom
I ate
 a heart!

 who eats?
pigs
eat
humans
like me
who ate, pig
when they were hungry
 do I look like a pig?

 to you? would you eat me?
What if I took off my wrapper?
would you throw me away
if you got bored of me
or if you threw up
 because of me?

 I like chocolates. And you.
Do you like me? This is my second love poem.
Though this one is gross. Like the others. Just like you are
 sweet

 like your heart
can I have another one?
please
the wrappers taste too plasticy
too smooth
and boring
they have no taste
but at least they don’t disappear
after you ate them
they stay
 shining

 how could I have given it away?
when I wanted it all to myself
stay away!
this is my heart!
it is sweet
and smooth 
 when it melts

 without alcohol
it melts…
the light is bright
the vision is blurry
can I get some tissue paper?
 I lick the drops

 like a human?
kind of gross
to eat
cocoa
 like a pig

 it tasted good
I didn’t throw the wrappers away
I kept them
after I ate the insides
I appreciated the mirror effect
blood looks less scary on another person.
It drips on me.
 I lick it.

 Just a taste.
It tastes like dry lips. Who would have thought that humans…
make me throw up.
Sour acid, to digest
and hide the evidence
throw the wrappers!
 I liked them.

 Yes.
This is a love poem. 
Who doesn’t love hearts?
 Pig like hearts!

edit: added more formatting, eg italics and indents

I have tried 
weed now so maybe I am mature 
enough to speak 
on love 
now. Being with you was better than drugs. 

I always said that when I hang out with certain people 
it felt like being high even before I had ever tried,
since when I was a kid. I mean that oxytocin, oxycontin,
whatever, same shit.

I’d even sent nudes 
for it. To feel
at least a glimmer.

For the kick. For the blood
in my veins. I need you laughing at my jokes. 
And wanting me close. Like nicotine 
in the mouth. Like deep

conversations, without any gross stuff 
or kissing. Like not caring what other people think,
or whatever. Like only seeing you and me, and nothing matters.

Well, or you matter. Of course. Lol. Haha. Everything is funny 
suddenly. Like you. 
Apparently I like you.
Apparently I like drugs. And since I have tried them, apparently 
now I can speak on love. How silly!

How stupid and innocent:
”Hi… let’s meet. I like you more than weed. 
I have tried it now,
so I would kiss you if you wanted to
give me drugs.”

You used to call me too young 
and naïve
when I hadn’t tried kissing
yet. I had only tried sleeping
on the street, like a homeless person. But I am more mature now. 

”Hi, do you want to be my drug dealer?
Let’s meet in the park at sunrise.”

I have tried 
weed now so maybe I am mature 
enough to speak 
on love 
now. Being with you was better than drugs. 

I always said that when I hang out with certain people 
it felt like being high even before I had ever tried,
since when I was a kid. I mean that oxytocin, oxycontin,
whatever, same shit.

I’d even sent nudes 
for it. To feel
at least a glimmer.

For the kick. For the blood
in my veins. I need you laughing at my jokes. 
And wanting me close. Like nicotine 
in the mouth. Like deep

conversations, without any gross stuff 
or kissing. Like not caring what other people think,
or whatever. Like only seeing you and me, and nothing matters.

Well, or you matter. Of course. Lol. Haha. Everything is funny 
suddenly. Like you. 
Apparently I like you.
Apparently I like drugs. And since I have tried them, apparently 
now I can speak on love. How silly!

How stupid and innocent:
”Hi… let’s meet. I like you more than weed. 
I have tried it now,
so I would kiss you if you wanted to
give me drugs.”

You used to call me too young 
and naïve
when I hadn’t tried kissing
yet. I had only tried sleeping
on the street, like a homeless person. But I am more mature now. 

”Hi, do you want to be my drug dealer?
Let’s meet in the park at sunrise.”

Partly a vent, but also I structured it as I did for a reason, so don’t read it only as ”just a vent”, it’s also half a poem/just ”expressive writing”:

I wanted to, but I’m fucked up:
I stop moving, 
stop talking,
stop making eye contact
and I freeze

hoping that if I fool people 
that I don’t exist,
it will become quiet
inside my head.

I don’t want to be at home,
where I have to close my blinds 
to fool them.

I want to be somewhere alone,
or in a place where nobody knows me.

I want to be at some place where I can just be 
without hiding.

Mum was right,
just like a deer I freeze.

I don’t want to be too close to you, because I don’t know how you would respond 
to "No I don’t want to kiss".

Because I don’t know if I would be able to say "No I don’t want to kiss"
or if I would just freeze,
and let you do anything.

Because my dad didn’t let go of my arms 
when I screamed that it hurt.

I still don’t know how I feel 
about you,
because sometimes I don’t like how it is to feel:
today it feels like throwing up.

Yesterday it felt like a crush.

end

Vent part:
The past few days it has been really hard to even move. Like move my body and my face. My friends said I looked ”kind of dead inside”, trying to make me more engaged, but I just couldn’t. All I could give them was a flat face, at best I furrowed my eyebrows a bit, to make it look like I was listening.

Nobody has tried to kiss me lately (🎉😢?). But I have journalled a lot, and this is part of what came out of it, some reflections of the past, why I am the way I am, and why I still gag when someone calls my eyes beautiful. And why I didn’t allow myself to get too close to some people in the past.

TL;DR: Tips for high calorie foods? I don’t eat much, eg today I mostly managed 100grams of high calorie cheese (>!400kcal/100g!<). I also ate some pickles but they are too low calorie (>!60kcal/100g!<) to make a difference if I only eat a few of them. Energy bars are okay, but it’s embarassing buying around 10 of them at the grocery store - it’s my local one, so they gonna recognize me if I come back soon and buy 10 more.

end of tldr/start of post:

I just hate… eating. And have low energy to cook food.

The past few days I have eaten bread (wih butter, and cheese and also sometimes with vegan ”ham”). Yesterday I also ate microwave rice.

The past week before that I ate fruit. Eg bought a whole watermelon for home and ate plates of it cut up. And apples. And clementines.

Other times it’s energy bars. A day ca two weeks ago I went to the grocery store and bought like 8 energy bars. Even felt emabrassed at the checkout line. They only lasted me a day or two, but I didn’t want to go back again/buy 20+ of them.

Yesterday I tried shopping some, bought a fancy/tasty swiss cheese (165grams), pickled cucumbers, oat milk (so I can make porridge at home. Or also mugcakes because I sometimes do that with pancake mix, sugar, butter, and milk.), and some jam.

I was thinking if I buy tasty/slightly fancy stuff, I can eat it maybe at least. It’s not top notch of course. But I mean that eg pickles and jam is not a basic neccessity. A few months ago I used to eat lots of instant ramen, but I can’t eat it now anymore. I tried to make it a few months ago for the last time, and ended up throwing it in the bin.

Today I managed to eat half the swiss cheese at least. It said on the package that 100grams of it is >!400!< calories. I put some of it on bread with butter too, and with some pickles.

Though unfortunatly I checked the pickle jar and it says it is only >!60kcal!< per 100g, so I would have to eat just about the whole jar of it for it to even count.

I guess for now I know that fancy cheese works, porridge also currently works - I make it maybe 3x a week, mug cakes work - make them ca every other day. Also taco chips work, I can eat a whole bag of them, just that they are not very nutritius. Also clementines then, I guess I should buy some more.

Just idk how to actually eat FOOD. I only ate the bread and the cheese and the pickles today, and it is 5pm already, so I should eat some more for dinner too. But I think dinner will just be another mug cake, paired with the rest of the small cheese block, and the jar of pickles.

Also as the title, if you have any suggestions for more ”okay/high calorie foods” (like eg the cheese, just half of it is at least >!400kcal!<, which is great). I can’t exactly be eating 12 jars of pickles per day to manage my calorie intake. Energy bars work I guess, I would just have to be going to the store every other day buying about 10 of them, which would be embarassing long-term.

I kind of don’t even want to make this post, this is normal for me. I am just too used to it to realize that it is absolutely fucked up and I need to change massively. And no I can’t even get help, last time I went to some ”specialist” they told me to ”just eat”. That was their great grand suggestion. ”Exposure therapy”. I’d rather starve. I mean I am alive at least, so it is kind of working what I am doing right now.

I am sad, but my eyes are dry.

I am sad, so I renew my wardrobe.
I am sad, so I dye my hair.
I am sad, so I make new friends.
I am sad, so I laugh too much.
I am sad, so I get a new tattoo
I am sad, so I get new piercings.
I am sad, so I write poetry.
I am sad, so I do colorful makeup.
I am sad, so I smile. 

I don’t want to cry.
I wish I would cry.

I know what placement I want and I have got the needle and a thingy for inserting the jewelry (forgot the name) and the jewelry.

I have pierced my earlobes by myself, though with a normal needle, and then forced the jewelry through, I have never done an actual piercing with a piercing needle.

I am thinking:

1. draw two dots so I know where to go. I guess I should look at the measurements of the jewelry I got so that I don’t make it too wide😅 Too narrow is better in the worst case, because then I could at least get smaller jewelry later.

2. Edit: Numbing cream beforehand. I got my birth control implant removed earlier and then I used numbing cream, so I have that same brand of numbing cream at home.

3. Pierce away from the eye. I did look at some youtube videos of eyebrow piercings now, and the ones doing towards the eyes scared me😳

4. Pinch the skin so the piercing goes straight + deeper.

Have I missed something or any other tips?

I ask "are you angry with me?"
"no" they respond.
"but you are not happy with me either (?)"
"no" they confirm.
"why not?" I inquire.
"because I just don’t have energy to" they explain.

I scooch closer, and take their hand. 
"I like you" I say. 
It triggers them to start biting my face.

I stare silently as blood drips from my face onto their shirt. "now we are even" they say, as if that was supposed to be it. "no we are not", I oppose, "that was worse". 

”I want you to buy my flowers”
”Okay I can go to the store and buy flowers for you if that will make you happy”
”No not like that. I didn’t mean it right now. I mean that I wish you would want to buy me flowers by yourself. That you had the impulse.”
”But I don’t🤷‍♀️”.
”Why don’t you? don’t you love me?”
”I do love you. I just don’t get the impulse to buy you flowers.”
”You would if you loved me”
”But that’s not true. I still do love you. Just in other ways. I think it’s silly you think I don’t love you just because I don’t do acted displays of romance.”
”But that’s the thing. It shouldn’t be an act. It should just come naturally.”
”But it doesn’t. What do you want me to do?”

Conversation I overheard years ago between my mum and my dad. As I have grown older, I now realize how it feels to have to explain to someone (that claims to love you), how to love you correctly. As a child I was on my dad’s side and agreed it was silly.