u/Fun-Cycle2381

I ask "are you angry with me?"
"no" they respond.
"but you are not happy with me either (?)"
"no" they confirm.
"why not?" I inquire.
"because I just don’t have energy to" they explain.

I scooch closer, and take their hand. 
"I like you" I say. 
It triggers them to start biting my face.

I stare silently as blood drips from my face onto their shirt. "now we are even" they say, as if that was supposed to be it. "no we are not", I oppose, "that was worse". 

”I want you to buy my flowers”
”Okay I can go to the store and buy flowers for you if that will make you happy”
”No not like that. I didn’t mean it right now. I mean that I wish you would want to buy me flowers by yourself. That you had the impulse.”
”But I don’t🤷‍♀️”.
”Why don’t you? don’t you love me?”
”I do love you. I just don’t get the impulse to buy you flowers.”
”You would if you loved me”
”But that’s not true. I still do love you. Just in other ways. I think it’s silly you think I don’t love you just because I don’t do acted displays of romance.”
”But that’s the thing. It shouldn’t be an act. It should just come naturally.”
”But it doesn’t. What do you want me to do?”

Conversation I overheard years ago between my mum and my dad. As I have grown older, I now realize how it feels to have to explain to someone (that claims to love you), how to love you correctly. As a child I was on my dad’s side and agreed it was silly.

I have been on my phone for like two days (and by that I mean I didn’t even sleep last night), writing stuff in my notes app (kind of journalling), also just looking at reddit and tumblr. But it’s not about phone addiction.

It’s more that I kind of don’t want to cry. And if I get off my phone I think I might cry and have a panic attack. Of course it will fade in a while. I just don’t want to. I want to feel okay.

I want to cry, yet I’d also rather numb myself and do anything just not to cry.

I want to self-harm. Of course. But that won’t help either. I will just cry and then on top of that have wounds. (self harming kind of sometimes helps to break the numbness, hence why I think I might cry). But most of all I feel so away that I don’t think even self-harming would help. Sometimes I just cut and stare empty eyed at it.

And also because I am fine. ”fine” but I cant tell anyone because I ain’t really going through anything. I mean I am going through some shit. But not things that others deem worthy of counting as ”going through it”.

Just as I am writing this now I realized my laundry has been sitting wet in the washing machine for 3 hours already. I should get up. And fix it. But it won’t help.

I might go outside to smoke some weed, listen to music, and read a book. But I fear I will just stay stuck again. sitting outside on a stone for hours not really doing anything. Not wanting to do anything. Not wanting to walk home, because I don’t want to deal with reality.

Well yeah, I guess that’s why I have been on my phone for two days. I don’t want to be in the real world. I hate it. I don’t want to deal with it. I am not dealing with it.

And I let somebody ruin my mood and day again. I missed a fun activity today. Because I was too in the moods. But I also genuinly kind of can’t. Like I have been up the WHOLE night, thinking, anxiousing, writing, scrolling. I don’t feel mentally ready to deal with anything. I want to just hide under my blankets forever. I don’t want to deal with anything. I want peace and rest. I want to feel safe.

Seeking reassurance because people have multiple times told me I identify too much with ”being a victim”/”seem to want to stay stuck in it”.

It happened when I was a kid. Up until I was maybe 13 I didn’t even know there was a word for it, and that that word was ”abuse”. I didn’t hug people until I was 15. I got ptsd, and also a borderline diagnosis later.

Now it has been almost 10 years. Since the actual abuse. I was placed in foster care 10 years ago. So I was ”safe” by then. But what followed was emotional manipulation and me being emotionally tumbled, until I turned 19 3 years ago and moved out from foster care into my own apartment.

So the actual illegal stuff (eg my parents hitting me) happened almost 10 years ago.

Now I am more older and have had more time to think through it again, and I want retribution. I have already spoken to cops when I was a kid, even twice. But the ”allegations” were not even investigated due to ”lack of evidence”. (apparently abusers admitting doesn’t count?? idk. I think it was just the cop taking my statement being a shithole and not wanting to bother to investigate further).

So anyways, now I have recently gotten in contact with a victim help organization. And they have lawyers I could talk to, who could potentially take a look at my case.

I feel it should be pretty strong. Like I have official papers stating my parents have said ”I have hit my kid. I have slapped my kid. I have punched my kid. I am scared I will do it again.” Maybe they didn’t say it to the cops, I don’t have records for that, but they 100% have admitted that to social services at least. And yet the cops/lawyers, etc have still been like ”okay but have they? Idk. Seems pretty lacking evidence. Lets close this case🤷‍♀️”.

So my hope is the lawyer can help me use all the records I have and reopen the closed cases etc. Since it IS fucking illegal to hit a child!

I want it to be aknowledged most of all. Just a ”yeah they did that. They will have a criminal record”. Or something. Also some cash would be good I guess😂 I have had ptsd for 10+ years so something for it would be nice. But not the most important part.

And anyways now I wonder if it is weird or too hung up or idk? Like am I still allowed to be sad over it?

Eg tomorrow I have to go to work, and people are gonna be happy it’s soon summer etc. And idk if I am still allowed to be sad that I am about to have to scan 20+ pages of police records to send to the lawyer by email so she can start to take a look at it. Because that is what I will have to do tomorrow, perhaps over my lunchbreak, else after work.

Like idk. It’s been ten years but I still cry if I read the papers now. And I am gonna be reading them and analyzing them a lot if this process moves on. And stuff.

But it seems like people expect, or maybe just ”want” most of all, me to just get over it. That it was ”so long ago” that I should just focus on my life now. And that it is unreasonable to still be so upset over it.

But I still am. I AM still upset over it. It fucked my brain. I don’t have a HOME. I don’t have a FAMILY. I have been emotionally alone since forever (nobody knows all my secrets. I had to carry it all alone. Some people know parts, but even that is only like 5% of it all). I still HAVE ptsd and sometimes randomly cry, or find it hard to breathe, or tense up if someone is standing or sitting too close.

Like idk. Fuck everyone for expecting it to be easy, because it’s not. I would like it to be okay to NOT be okay: EVERY single day. Yes, I literally feel like shit every single day. I HATE people going ”oh, okay” if I don’t instantly smile and say ”oh I am GREAT. Thank you. How are you?”. I am not good. I am shit. All the fucking time😂

And it’s not anyones fault really. But I can’t even tell people I spent the weekend with my foster family (because ”omg what?? you were a foster kid? how was that? why? what was wrong with you? actually what is a foster family? Oh no, do you want a hug?”). So idk how I could ever tell anyone that I feel a bit sad because I am trying to start up a legal process against my parents for something they did 10 years ago.

I feel they would only think the same. ”omg how are you still sad about it if it was 10 years ago? A slap? Really? You can’t just let it go?”.

(it was not just slaps, but for the legal thing I focus on the slaps and punches since that feels most easily defined as ”illegal”. Rest is emotional abuse, gaslighting etc)

Sorry for a basic question😆

But I feel like I should be doing it right, because by now I have a technique that causes no smoke to exit (so I literally check my pen even to be like ”you on?” but it is, and if I on purpose breathe it out I do see smoke).

So I thought that means all smoke should be in my lungs no?

It’s probably hard to describe correctly, but I basically draw in the smoke with my mouth first (like as if using a straw for air), then close my mouth to hold it, then open my mouth again, now without having the vape pen in my mouth, and take another breath IN, as if breathing normally/taking a deep breath.

So that way I was thinking all the air and smoke ”should” in theory be getting pushed into my lungs, no? Also why I don’t usually see smoke ”escaping”. But either I have a bad strain or I am inhaling wrong because I don’t get super high😅 (sometimes none at all, I need min 6 puffs to even feel something).

So I wanted to ask for inhalation techniques before I try find some better strain, since I already bought this one I mean. And it had reviews to be quite ”strong”. So it might just be me doing something wrong.

I hope it made sense, tips appreciated☺️

One of the symptoms of ptsd is nightmares. I always said I didn’t have that, because I don’t have nightmares of ”the event”.

I do have other nightmares though. Like false awakenings and stuff. Not often either. Mostly on nights when I am really tired, so maybe 3-4x a year.

But still I don’t like to sleep much. Sometimes I close my eyes and then I hear like monster screams and see weird things. (basically like a horror movie, even with the sounds like musical effects etc). So then I open my eyes again so I don’t have to see/hear it, so I can feel safer by seeing the room. Also why I sometimes rather leave the light on in my room at night. (makes me feel safer knowing I can see the room I am in if I open my eyes).

Other times if I ”try” to sleep (meaning no reading a book or watching my phone until I nod off), I get too much into thinking, and then get anxious and cry.

So I also hate eg doctors saying ”but you should just try to sleep”, because then when I listen to them I just end up staring at the cieling and crying in the evening. I don’t want that.

Else if I try and stop the crying, by distracting myself by eg listening to an audiobook, podcast, or sleep meditation, I just end up listening to it and still not falling asleep. A few days ago I found a 3 hour ”sleep meditation”. I ended up listening to the whole video without falling asleep😐

Anyways, now I don’t want to sleep because yesterday I was super tired and feel asleep straight after work, slept 14 hours to today, and had a nightmare/couldn’t move my body. I did google it though, and it sounds like rem rebound.

I just wonder how sleep should be possible if it is always such an unpleasant experience. It’s like I would rather just not sleep at all then because it’s so annoying, but then again I rather should sleep, so I don’t get this extremely tired and get the nightmares.

Medication I have tried:
- Melatonin: does nothing.
- one sleep med (dont remember the name): made me too tired so I overslept in the mornings.
- other sleep med (dont remember the name): gave me a buzzy feeling and I still couldn’t sleep because it was kind of a restless leg syndrome feeling. I felt uncomfortable in every position and couldn’t stay still to fall asleep. (it wasn’t itchy, but basically imagine being 80% itchy all over your body and then trying to lay still and sleep. It was a similar feeling except the feeling wasn’t exactly itchyness).

Other things maybe relevant:
- recently some trauma has been stirred up because I have started investigating possibilities of talking to a lawyer, so it could be related to why it has been worse lately/why I eg got a nightmare again yesterday.
- One time I hear my abuser say something like ”hello sweetie” in my ear, as I had closed my eyes and was about to fall asleep. Of course I immediatly jumped up and didn’t want to go to sleep again. It wasn’t a dream since I wasn’t asleep yet. Just kind of hallucinating as I was about to sleep. Also still unsure if things like that count as ”ptsd nightmares”. Because as I said these kind of things happen maybe only 1x/3 months or so, so it’s not every night or something. But it’s still uncomfortable and makes sleeping scary.

I mean it’s kind of funny too. I had to have a robot explain my feelings to me so that I could feel them. My Alexithymia 0, Gemini 1. God I am fucked up😭😂

Context: I wrote a text and made gemini analyze it. When I read the analysis I was like ”oh yeah kind of true, I DO feel sad about it.” and started crying. Like wtf?😅😅 So anyways yeah. That’s how a robot made me cry today😆