u/GabiYamato

## I just want to be seen.

Not in a desperate way. Just in the way everyone quietly wants.

I'm 21. I journal every day. I give people thoughtful gifts, remember the small things they mention, show up when they need someone. I'm the guy who notices when you're sad before you say anything.

But I go home alone and can't remember the last time someone asked how I was and actually waited for the real answer.

I had my first real emotional connection last year. It was one sided. On my birthday she walked past me without saying hello. I sat on a grass patch alone that evening having thoughts of self-harm and what not, looking at the sky, listening to music.

I'm not broken. I'm not bitter. I just have this quiet ache that won't go away.

I want someone who notices the things I notice. Who hears a song and thinks of me. Who doesn't need me to perform or explain or earn their attention.

I just want to exist in someone's world and have them exist in mine.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Is dating the right solution? (Never dated before)

Hey guys!

It's a long story, please sit back and read, else feel free to scroll away.

I just turned 21, and I've never really considered dating. I was on a dating app named boo for a month, got no matches or dms, so I just never tried again. Lost ~30 pounds in the past 4 months, and I look pretty decent although I'm a little dark.

I have a lot of female friends, but I can't really see them as my romantic interests, nor have they seen all my sides (the sad side for example).

My childhood was traumatic, being bullied turned me into a people pleaser, and I really don't consider my own needs most of the time. So it usually ends up me bottling my emotions and being the "happy guy whose life seems to have no issues" , and no real person has seen me alone and lonely. I also was raised a nerd, always racing to get those grades, being compared to other kids by my parents.

Adding to this is the fact that I rarely indulge in luxuries. And I don't mean the expensive tech stuff, I mean even small stuff like walking instead of taking an uber, or making my own coffee instead of grabbing a Starbucks.

I had my first ever real connection with someone, but they ended up ghosting me too. Never was romantic either.

Life these days feels like I'm just living. And I'm only sane when I'm overworking or doing things that keep me really busy and focused. (Or pushing myself at the gym , benching 225lb)

I am from India, but I do kinda behave like a Japanese person and speak like an american-indian .

And people never get bored being around me.

I'm the textbook definition of an extrovert.

But my heart says otherwise.

I keep giving, waving hello, listening to everyone's problems, cheering them on with a smile, even when I'm dying inside, and about to cry, the tears never roll down.

The one time someone complimented me, told me I was enough (the connection - it was online too, I don't even know how they look like) , the time they told me I'm awesome . I cried. I cried tears of joy.

I felt like they truly understood me.

They understood all of me, they read my thoughts. They understood that when I'm anxious around them and say stuff , it's probably not what I meant to say. They read and understood the inner meaning. And most of all they gave me the safe feeling that I know I can cry with them, and they won't push me away.

"Know me, care for me, ease my way".

That's my wish, I will know you, care for you, and ease your way.

Over 1 year of journalling my day and thoughts , I found out a pattern - I never really saw anyone as a bad person. Even when my friends told me XX was bad, I never really saw them as a bad person, and noticed their good side. Even when someone insulted me, I could only think about how they were better than me, and I did deserve those insults (I didn't deserve those) .

I only ever look up to people, treating myself bad and thinking I'm worthless, tearing myself apart at every small mistake.

This anxiety was getting out of hand, therefore I'm making myself busy these days.

But the loneliness is getting worse and worse .

Every second I relax or am alone, I just die in my head.

I don't scroll, I don't watch movies or play games a lot, I just exist and look at the sky.

My birthday made things worse.

I really wished that one specific person wished me .

I spent days for them, even hand drew a qr to my playlist. Got them a nice gift on their birthday. That person didn't even bother saying hello on my birthday, and walked past me as if I didn't exist.

I just laid on a grass patch outside my office on that day. Just crying to myself, no one to care, no one properly with me .

Something died within me on that day.

Can someone really kill this sense of loneliness ?

Does dating fix these?

Lets meet up at nexity?

I just want to be seen...