u/General_Wishbone8487

Idk if im just burntout or dysregulated to hell or both but I feel like ive been choking on a ball of tears all day. My brain has no room for work. Focus is everywhere except whats infront of me. My productivity has dropped dramatically. Along with my appetite. With that said though, thank goodness for Chinese style egg and tomato stir fry. So so good and gentle on my tummy.

Not good enough to make me cry unfortunately. I need a good solid cry session but I cant get it out. Its just stuck in there. Wish I could twist my head off like loosening a valve and just let the fucking dam break, but alas.

It's occurred to me again that I do not relate to many people. I'm not special by any means. Much of my life experiences and traumas are shared among a million different walks of life. Yet, I struggle to really relate to others. Rarely ever felt truly understood and seen. I believe it's only happened twice in my 34 years of life lol. I suppose that's luckier and more than most.

But why is that? Why is this such a rare thing when I don't feel like it should be? Is it because I'm not as vulnerable about my experiences and emotions as others? Am I a potential sociopath? Why is it so hard to relate and resonate with anyone on an emotional level? Cause I know it's not impossible. Ik I'm capable. Ik it's real.

It's fine if it never happens again, I'm grateful I even had the chance of experiencing that level of connection at all, but I mean, really?....

That's it?

It's the reason I'm so angry and bitter all the time.

You would not believe that I was the opposite just a few years ago.

Unfortunately, that open, loving, nurturing woman has shut herself and her heart from the world all because of some stupid fucking men.

The change I see and feel in myself seems rather, dramatic. Cause it seemingly came out of nowhere.

I really thought I was doing fine up until a certain point.

I never expected it this kind of reaction in myself.

I don't recognize her.

I don't necessarily hate her, but I want nothing to do with her.

I feel this is the worst version of myself.

My own heart feels wrong within my ribs. Displaced. Misshapen.

It just feels wrong.

There's a semblance of disgust on top of it.

And a big knot in my center.

Perhaps regret. And anger at myself for allowing myself to be treated that way.

I wouldn't even know where to start with forgiving myself.

All I know is, I don't ever want to be that person again.

And it's ironic, cause I so strongly used to believe an open heart and the unbarred sky, was the best way to live,

So long as one could alchemize it.

I think I must've fucked up badly.

I think I poisoned my own heart.

Oops.

It is just becoming more normalized for women to wear as little clothing as possible or is that just on social media? Is soft porno considered normal content these days? I almost threw my phone at the wall just now while scrolling through vids cause I got jump scared by a woman's cooking video where her huge breasts were in my face, barely held up and covered by what looked like floss and candy beads....I mean....what the hell. I try so hard to keep my algo "clean" but it literally throws the most degenerate, alt right, racist, pornbrained gooner content into my feed like "here try this on for size!!"

I don't even watch porn. Frankly i find it boring and cringey and I'm definitely not sexually active so idk why I keep coming across these disgusting videos. There's literally no escaping it. Like tell me how someone who watches cat content, animal rescue/history/meme videos gets so much videos of nearly naked men and women???!?! IT PISSES ME TF OFF

Don't even get me started on the number of ED ads that get shoved in my face too. It makes me violent lmao. Cause for one, Im not a dick wielder and 2. Idc if there's a limpdick epidemic. Hope it turns a gangly green and falls off 🫶🏻

My sex aversion and revulsion is already pretty intense, like that's considered normal for me, but holy shit this is making it so much worse. Who knows, maybe that's the algos trying to do right, like pushing me to finally get off the internet for good cause if so - it's bloody working. I'm already thinking of going back to using a flip phone bc I hate smartphones so much.

So she'll be off for the next two weeks. But when my boss told me, I felt nothing. I just put on the best shocked/sad human expression that I could manage. Not sure what's worse: feeling like a phony by faking shock or that I felt nothing and had to fake react.

Feeling pretty fucked ngl.

These are dark days, lads. Dark fucking days.

Why is the kitchencel sub T-bagging my feed??? Like gtfoh 😭 I complain and vent a lot cause im going through shit/crashing out and lowkey a misanthropist but Im not some insecure retard who lacks self awareness PLSSSS

My roommates body odor. Even after a shower, she still smells to me. The scent actually sticks. Makes me wonder if she even uses soap cause why tf does it smell like that. She has left her long/exfoliating back towel in thr shower a few times and that thang STANK too. She is an alcoholic (she told me herself and ive seen her room with all the bottles) and her body odor oddly smells like carbonated alcohol to me. Its not unbearable but its definitely unpleasant and grosses me out everytime it hits my nostrils. She's not that dirty thankfully but doesnt clean the bathroom, ever. Or take out the bathroom trash. Shes definitely a better roomie than the others ive had in recent years but man, I hate having a sensitive nose, and living with other women in general.

They're always the "you can talk to me/communication is everything" girlies who will be the first to resort to passive aggressive (sometimes even violent) antics for some bs yoi did to piss them off yet failed to mention or bring it to your attention in the first place. Its insane. Ive heard another roomie of mine screaming at her ex one time bc he wouldnt give her d when she wanted it. Just one very small example of the type of shitheads I live with lmao. They are def a part of my ever-growing stress.

I hate my job (insurance). Pretty sure im burnt tf out. Everyday I come to the office just pissed off and stressed. I hate how stupid and entitled most of our customers are. Its a korean agency too and if you know anything about korean culture, well lmao. Not even gonna get into it. But seriously, the level of incompetence thats been on display since covid lock down era is astronomical. This is why we will never have the revolution we know we need. Because of fucking people like them. And they're everywhere.

I did great during my first year. Second year is off to a rough start and frankly getting worse. Feel like im at my limit. The only reason I feel like I need to stay is bc I do not want to go through the job hunting process again. Id rather off myself. Been considering that option a lot too lately. Likely just a reflection of my own internal strife but boy does it sound tempting.

Nothing feels real anymore. I hate humans. I hate being human. I hate that I was born into this. I hate society more than anything. I reject this way of being and life with all my fucking soul. The only good things are animals. Thats it. Sure babies too but they often grow up to be awful adult humans so fk them kids. Fk all of this.

Id rather be a plant of some kind that gets to watch the sun rise and fall and feel the wind and rain and not have to answer to anyone for anything every gd day - just existing as i was meant to. That sounds like the fucking life for me but nooooOOOoooOOoOOoo

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

I find it funny how the day after my coworker quit, I feel better and got my work rhythm back. I kicked ass today, and it feels so good. Doesn't make much sense all things considered because I didn't hate working with her. I swear it's like the office energy was cleansed lol. Or my flashback finally receded lol.

On another hand, I genuinely enjoy working with my other coworker more. We have synergy, so it makes the workflow smooth and efficient. Ideal work dynamic.

I got an email from Amazon that my package was delivered this morning and when I came home it wasn't on the table, but someone else's was. The same one I saw in my delivery confirmation photo. Meaning one of my roommates saw the packages and left mine outside. We usually bring each others packages inside as a courtesy and whatnot, so. Talk about petty lol. But it's okay. I will simply return the energy.

Today was a good day otherwise. A much needed one after the hellish fucking week I've had. Grateful 🙏🏻

Or much good for flirting (to me at least)

Like, everyone is so fucking horny. I know cause. They announce it all the goddamn time to the point it's become repulsive.

Nothing gives me the ick faster than people who can't talk about anything without making it sexual.

Class? Never heard of her. The oversexualization of fucking everything is truly disgusting.

I didn't have much of a sex drive to begin with but oh boy is it getting ever close to dying for good.

I am clearly very dysregulated and just want to throw the biggest childish tantrum. What feels like hot smoke made up of angry hornets is pressed up against the top of my ribs and behind my eyes. I just want to scream and cry and break things and hearts. I wanna be hurtful and spit venom in the direction of well, fucking everyone. But I can't. Cause that would be insane. All of these emotions bubble up inside until it metabolizes, meaning it just gets shoved back into whatever wound/trauma it came from and I am left numb and unsatisfied. Pete Walker's 13 steps don't work or help. Writing it out barely softens the edges. I feel so small and fragile yet so enormous and monstrous. I feel like the tip of a volcano that just won't fucking blow. I'm not suicidal but goddammit, I just hate being so full of rage and sadness. There's this childlike loneliness and the feeling of being abandoned, isolated, alienated and this god awful gut twisting desperate sense of dread/helplessness and wanting to die that aches and vibrates throughout my entire body. That's the worst of it all.

Choking back tears of RAGE as I write this. Trying to calm down.

Fuck these paper thin American walls. Fuck the guy in the suite office in front of me who keeps repeatedly opening and closing the microwave after every 3 seconds like a goddamn moron.

Fuck my team manager for not knowing when she's literally been doing this for so many fuckass years. Fuck the crybaby coworker who can't handle the accounting side of this job and is quitting over it.

Fuck Ashley from Compass Lending for thinking WE slapped a fucking late fee on to the customers account when WE the independent agents don't write the fucking guidelines for other insurance companies billing - you stupid irresponsible unprofessional cunt.

Fuck Mr. Mang for repeatedly calling me in the middle of doing whatever tf he's doing and ignoring me/talking to other people while he's got me on the line as if I have all the time in the world for him. Fuck you you rude ass thick accent having barely English speaking non tax paying ass BITCH. Fuck you and your fuckass fake church.

I hate people. I really truly do. Been sitting here so long my screen turned off. Idgaf if my Teams icon shows 'Away'. What are they gonna do? Fire me?? They can't fucking afford to lmfaoooo. The crybaby leaving is already proving to be a setback for them now that there's only two of us again. My boss literally told me the other day that I can't suddenly quit on them like crybaby cause they fucking NEED ME. Like, PLSSSS.

FUCK ALL YALL

Typing my anger out kinda helps. Definitely feel more calm than I did at the beginning. Still wanna burn this bitch down though.

Had pho and a grilled chicken banhmi for lunch earlier. The bread was a bit too hard and hurt my lips/gums so I dipped it into my pho and holy shit. Why have I not been doing this the whole time? Dipping bread into soup has been around for ages yet it never occurred to me to do the same with Vietnamese food. Insane. This was life changing though. I can never go back to eating these two things separately.

Lunch was the highlight of my day lmfao *chefs kiss*

I feel like it used to be more common to find/meet people who inspired you to want to be a better person but nowadays it all seems like a sham or selfish act.

My faith in humanity and "good people" have waned so much over the years, I feel I'm slowly becoming more of a bitter and misanthropic hermit with every passing day.

Just thought of that saying people threw around: if you can't find a good person be the good person and like, yeah, okay but after a certain point it becomes self harm to care about people and help them, even without expectations right and enforced boundaries - it's just not worth it anymore...

Crazy cat ladyhood is fast approaching. (Not that I'm complaining)

He asked how my day was, I tell him it's been a blue and mellow one. He asks why. 'Ruminations, reflecting on the past, etc', I reply. He says to let him know if there's anything he can do to help, and adds "hopefully your monthly cycle ended and you're feeling better"

What the fuck, bro. Now, I don't believe he meant it in a negative way and genuinely wishes well for me, but his choice of words leaves much to be desired.

Good grief.

Our newest coworker who has been here for a little over a year says she is burntout and put in her two weeks. We work as CSR for an insurance broker. Not the most exciting job but it's not really that hard either.

She said the multitasking was too much for her, and she always felt like she was doing something wrong when our boss would advise/guide her, to the point she would be stressing over work at home. I suppose my boss can come off a bit like a nagging mother? But in all fairness, if you're not making errors or missing details, she doesn't say anything. Plus she always reassured that she only does it as a reminder to help us avoid repeating it in the future.

Imo my boss is extremely kind, patient, and professional. She has "nagged" at me countless times when I first started but I understood she wasn't criticizing or punishing me, nor was it ever personal. Based on what she has told me/previously complained about, my coworker took it personally, to the point of exhaustion.

I get that some jobs just aren't a good fit for certain people but I cant help but feel like I lost a little respect for her due to her reasoning for quitting. Like it just gave me the ick.

It sounds fucked up and maybe it is but I like and respect people more when they can suffer and adapt well. Am I a narcissistic cunt with ridiculous expectations? Probably. Idrc though lol.

It sounds like baby talk and instantly gets my blood pressure to rise. I am East asian so I know it's a cultural thing but my god is it disgusting and infuriating. The whole kawaii/aegyo front needs to die along with the patriarchal system that pushed this into being. Everything about it is gross.