u/General_Wishbone8487

Probably explains why I don't get along with most redditors

Or the people. Cause why tf are they like that? Like who tf raised you?

Of all the social media account I've ever had in my 30 something years, my experience with Reddit has by far been the worst - mostly due to the kind of users I come across.

It's kind of mind boggling that people like this truly exist. Obviously I don't really have many run ins with actual unhinged/intellectually challenged individuals even in the real world but even when I do, they're never as bad as Redditors. Neanderthals, I should say.

I'm not even mad, I'm genuinely perturbed, mystified, slightly disturbed, and just at a loss for words.

Anyway, Happy Wednesday lmao.

This ain't even about feeling entitled, it's about the lack of fucking respect from these leathery 50 year old bags of walking compost after going out of my way to do them a favor or simply reminding them to honor an arrangement we agreed on months prior

Fucking boomers man

Instead of the usual rage filled posts about my ex, I'm feeling rather nostalgic and sentimental today. Not for him obviously - fuck that guy. But I do miss being in love, and all of the pleasures that come with loving someone.

I miss making mental notes of something they mention in passing and getting it or making it for them as a surprise, as an expression and extension of my love.

I miss thinking of the ways I could make their struggles and burdens easier, lighter, lesser - thinking of ways I could improve their life.

I miss the intentionality that came with loving another.

I miss the way the world looked and felt, as if I were one with it.

I miss looking into another's eyes and feeling weightless yet firmly grounded as if his gaze was all that kept me tethered to the Earth's surface.

I miss cooking good food with another's health and happiness in mind. I miss watching someone enjoy it.

I miss nurturing and taking care of someone I love.

I miss feeling my heart grow full just from looking at my partner doing the most unextraordinary and mundane task. Something as simple as watching them sleep made me soften.

I miss feeling their body loosen up and melt into my arms with relief after an emotionally charged/vulnerable conversation.

So many aspects of love/being in a relationship that I miss. Yet everything I've managed to list are things that I do and have done for another. Things that I myself have rarely ever received or felt in return...lol.

Still stuck in old patterns, I wonder? I often struggled with receiving love, but at the same time I don't believe my efforts were reciprocated or offered to me in a way that I understood, and needed? Although the gestures above can be genuine expressions of love, would I still tie my worth through what I can do, be and provide for someone? Would I abandon myself and be made indispensable again in the hopes to finally be loved, valued, chosen? I'd like to believe that I trust myself enough to have the wisdom and discernment that I do now to never make such sacrifices again, but theories must be tested.

This doesn't mean I'm in a hurry to jump back into a relationship. Frankly, idk if I'll ever want to. I just miss the feeling. I miss the capacity I once had for love. I still have it, the lover girl in me never died, I just don't feel ready to open my heart to the world again. Not yet anyway.

I take this as a sign of progress in my healing. I won't put too much stock in it bc I know how this ride goes, but I gotta take all the small wins I can and this is definitely one of them. Yay to progress.

Mine it seems makes it hard to trust and befriend women while also making me yearn for sister/girlhood

But at the same time idc, not really anyway

My first ever bsf was a skinny little Vietnamese girl with big doe eyes who got me into Kingdom Hearts

At 12 yo, she was the light of my life during one of the darkest moments of my young life

She was all I had back then

Emergency open heart surgery took her away from me

Never had another bsf since

Not including my ex

I think about her often, and the nights leading up to her untimely death

More grief I never processed

I feel so alienated from my female peers

And often times we'll share similar experiences but emotionally/psychologically we react very different

That goes for anyone obviously but it feels more...idk what word im looking for

Ive never emotionally connected with a woman is all im getting at

My sister's i guess but I feel that falls more into trauma bonding

We dont even talk to each other anymore, so lol

I have no issues talking to men

Its just women

The mental games, the complexities of how our minds work - it all feels like too much for me

Irrelevant anyway

Idc to make friends so what does it matter

More conscious slop for the void

The lifelong passive thoughts ive had of unaliving myself are starting to become a little too real lately

Is it weird

To say that I feel almost

Called

To it

Sushi on my mind is the only thing thst keeps me going

The only safe thing in my world is food lmao

I don't feel good.

Feels like something is trying to claw its way out.

Idk if I need to scream, sob or both.

I wanna be the May Queen.

Like Dani, from Midsommer.

And M, the bear.

He used to say that was his spirit animal.

How fitting.

I don't feel good.

Why must existing feel so shameful

Let it end

God let it end

What am I actually grieving?

If I strip away M as a person, what exactly am I mourning?

Am I grieving him, the relationship, the person I was when I was with him, or the future I imagined we'd have?

What did being loved by M mean about me?

What did losing him seem to say about me?

What parts of that relationship can I never recreate, and which parts am I perhaps idealizing?

Do I miss M as he actually was, or the version of M that exists in my memory?

If I could have him back tomorrow exactly as he was in 2020, with none of the subsequent growth or changes, would I genuinely want that?

What happened to me when the relationship ended?

Who was I before M, and who did I become because of M?

Did I ever learn how to construct an identity separate from him?

When I lost him, did I feel like I lost a person or like I lost part of myself?

What needs did M fulfill that I haven't learned to fulfill for myself?

What did I learn about love, abandonment, rejection, and my own worth through that relationship?

Which beliefs about myself were created or reinforced by what happened between us?

Are any of those beliefs still running my life even though the circumstances that created them are long gone?

The abandonment wound. What hurt more: losing M, or feeling that I wasn't chosen?

When he left for someone else, what story did I unconsciously construct about why?

When he came back, did that repair something—or did it create a cycle in which being chosen became especially emotionally significant?

Did his later betrayal/cheating reinforce any existing belief that love is inherently unstable?

Am I still trying, psychologically, to obtain from M the reassurance that I was worthy all along?

If he gave me perfect closure tomorrow—acknowledgment, remorse, validation, everything—what wound would that actually heal?

What if the thing I want from M isn't really M anymore, but proof that I mattered?

The guilt and shame I've talked a lot about recognizing ways I hurt him before the relationship ended and feeling genuine remorse.

What exactly do I believe I did wrong?

Which things do I genuinely need to take responsibility for?

Which things am I punishing myself for beyond what accountability requires?

Do I believe I deserve to forgive myself?

What would forgiving myself actually mean?

Am I keeping myself emotionally attached to M because suffering feels like a form of penance?

If I stopped hurting over this, would some part of me interpret that as minimizing what happened?

Am I unconsciously using continued grief to prove that I really am sorry?

What questions about M am I still trying to answer?

Which of those questions can actually be answered, and which are fundamentally unknowable?

What did I hope his response would tell me?

Am I waiting for him to give me permission to put this down?

What would I need him to say for me to finally feel finished?

Why does that particular acknowledgment matter so much?

What would it mean if I never receive it?

Can I create an ending that doesn't depend on M participating in it?

What am I still hoping will happen between us, even if I consciously know it probably won't?

Why does my mind keep returning to him?

What usually happens immediately before I start thinking about M?

What emotion am I experiencing immediately beforehand?

What does thinking about him allow me to feel that I might otherwise have difficulty accessing?

Does my mind turn toward him when I'm lonely, bored, angry, rejected, stressed, nostalgic, or emotionally numb?

Is thinking about M sometimes easier than thinking about what is happening in my life right now?

Does the familiar pain of M feel strangely safer than confronting an uncertain future?

When I obsess over the past, what am I temporarily relieved from having to confront in the present?

The person I was. What did 17 year old me need that she didn't receive?

What did she believe love was supposed to save her from?

What did she tolerate because she was terrified of losing him?

What did she not yet know about herself?

What would I say to the version of myself sitting beside that dumpster crying on the phone?

What would I want her to know about what happened afterward?

Am I grieving M, or am I finally allowing myself to grieve what happened to me during those years?

What parts of my younger self have I been judging instead of mourning?

What happens if I actually let go?

What am I afraid will happen if I genuinely stop thinking about M?

Who am I without this story?

If this grief disappeared tomorrow, what emotional space would it leave behind?

What would I have to start confronting once M wasn't occupying so much psychological real estate?

Does some part of me believe that letting go means the relationship didn't matter?

Does holding onto the pain feel like holding onto him?

If I released the pain but kept the meaning, what would that look like?

What part of me is not ready to let this story end, and what does that part believe it will lose if it does?

I keep thinking about M because I'm angry and hurt.

I keep thinking about M because I want him to know what he did to me.

I keep thinking about M because I want him to know what I did to him.

I keep thinking about M because I want proof that I mattered.

I keep thinking about M because....

Because......

Truly.

I'm reminded of Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind, and I find myself wishing I could erase every trace of memory I have of you. Which, funny enough, only makes me think of you more because I watched it for the first time,

With you.

You are woven into every fabric of my being and reality, and it has, as of late, become my own personal hell.

Hell is not a place, but is what you carry, as they say.

I can't split myself in two.

I can't pick you off like a scab.

I can't floss you out of my teeth or scrub you from my tongue.

I can't buff you out from the wrinkles in my brain.

There isn't a whitesmith alive who could patch and polish the exit wound you left in this metal heart of mine.

Lately, I feel that my love for you was the anesthetic you needed all along, and you cut with such skilled surgical precision.

This is quite a cynical perspective of intimacy, I know. But when one has openly bled at another's altar for years trying to mend a trust they didn't break, and the crows you had lost count of so long ago, err on the side of caution - can you blame me?

I don't enjoy throwing my sentiments into Reddit.

There is no reprieve nor catharsis found in it.

But there is a small delusional hope and fantasy that one day you might come across my post, like a message in a bottle, and the realization hits you faster than your heart can drop to your feet.

Wishful thinking, but it keeps a gal going lol.

Nevertheless, I just want to let go of the past already. I think I read somewhere that it takes about 7 years to fully move on from a relationship.

If true, then Feb 2027 may be my mark.

Fingers crossed.

Truly.

I'm reminded of Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind, and I find myself wishing I could erase every trace of memory I have of you. Which, funny enough, only makes me think of you more because I watched it for the first time,

With you.

You are woven into every fabric of my being and reality, and it has, as of late, become my own personal hell.

Hell is not a place, but is what you carry, as they say.

I can't split myself in two.

I can't pick you off like a scab.

I can't floss you out of my teeth or scrub you from my tongue.

I can't buff you out from the wrinkles in my brain.

There isn't a whitesmith alive who could patch and polish the exit wound you left in this metal heart of mine.

Lately, I feel that my love for you was the anesthetic all along, and you cut with such skilled surgical precision.

This is quite a cynical perspective of intimacy, I know. But when one has openly bled at another's altar for years trying to mend a trust they didn't break, and the crows you had lost count of so long ago, err on the side of caution - can you blame me?

I don't enjoy throwing my sentiments into Reddit.

There is no reprieve nor catharsis found in it.

But there is a small delusional hope and fantasy that one day you might come across my post, like a message in a bottle, and the realization hits you faster than your heart can drop to your feet.

Wishful thinking, but it keeps a gal going lol.

Nevertheless, I just want to let go of the past already. I think I read somewhere that it takes about 7 years to fully move on from a relationship.

If true, then Feb 2027 is my mark.

Fingers crossed.

Back in the office and already annoyed upon finding out a customer i had spoken to last Wednesday prior to my break had not heard back from anyone despite me having left a follow up task to one of my coworkers before I left. Yet when I'm tasked to check on or follow up on a request from any of them, I complete it and update them asap. The same gesture is not returned for whatever reason. I'll be keeping that in mind going forward lol.

Funny enough, the same coworker tasked me two things this morning, but neither seem urgent to me so I will be taking my sweet ass time. If she wants things done accordingly, do them yourself, as I'd come to learn early on in life. Is this petty? Yes, but I'm clearly undervalued and underappreciated, so I dont really gaf. I should've been more selfish and prioritized my own work tasks over theirs this whole time but ya live and ya learn.

I'll try not to waste my energy being angry about this kind of stuff anymore cause it's just not worth it. Being the responsible employee truly does not pay. Just like being the bigger person in a situation where youre wronged - nah. Not worth it. Look it where thats gotten me. Nothing but years of festering pent up rage and hurt.

I have teeth and itts time I fucking use them.

Survived the tides of grief as I knew I would. Back to feeling flat and sterile again. At least until the next time.

Guess I can't complain.

Making spaghetti and meatsauce and salad for lunch. House smells of onion, garlic, and....absence.

New roommate has been doing this thing where she intentionally gets in my way/blocks off exit paths when I'm going in and out of the laundry room or kitchen. Passive aggressive behavior for what? It's not my fault your ugly gremlin of a bf let's his eyes linger on me too long. Your insecurities are loud. Get a grip.

Noticed my period has been on going for over a week now. Highly unusual as they usually only last 3-4 days. I want a hysterectomy.

Not looking forward to the work week.

It's supposed to storm again soon. What i would give to be in the mountains.

Discovered some new bands I really like. Currently listening to Nothing Left To Say by Tram.

Food is ready now I think. Not hungry but I really need to eat. Sad girl lunch - lessgo~

Today has been rainy and frustrating. Had to make so many phone calls at the request of my boss/coworkers that I couldn't even finish my own tasks. I would swear it was intentional as some kind of punishment for taking two days off.

The only slightly positive note was calling one of our carriers regarding a customer's problems. We had spoken a bunch previously because of the same customer, so we have a little rapport. Today, though, I felt like he was intentionally trying to keep me on the phone, not to annoy me, but bc he wanted to keep the conversation going. It almost felt flirtatious? He's asked me a few personal questions before but very surface level stuff, obviously. People, often times men, tell me I have a really nice voice and a certain cadence in the way I speak, which is honestly hilarious given how much of a grump I am inside, but it is usually intentional and necessary given my line of work. Maybe that's what appealed to him. Or maybe I'm charmed by his voice and idiolect because he does truthfully have a nice voice. Hard to describe, a bit raspy yet soft. Very unique and handsome. Anyway, that was the most pleasant part of my day. Fucking sad innit? Lmao. Not really, obviously. Pleasant conversations are never a bad thing.

I'm off for the next four days, so what the f ever. Looking forward to washing my bedding and deep cleaning my room. God I am old.

The last day before my little "break" my boss and team lead bombard me with tasks which is hilarious considering how much time I spend being bored af any other time.

Watch me not come back on Monday.

I ordered a bunch of sashimi and nigiri because it sounded good in my head. Haven't eaten since 7AM. It is now 7PM. Haven't been hungry much at all these last two weeks. Wondering if I just wasted $100.

Oh well.

You can't outrun it. It will always find you.

Not on some suicidal shit but it sounds tempting lmao I wanna rip my skin off.

Just read a post about a woman getting closure from an ex lover and how liberating it was. I won't lie, I feel jealous and bitter and I feel so much venom towards you because it's not fair that you're the one who cheated and fucked me up yet I'm the one who sent an apology taking responsibility for how shitty I treated you in the last 6 months before I made the call. It's not fair that I had to bend and adapt and try not to inconvenience YOU for the trust that I didn't fucking break or how it was MY SOLE RESPONSIBILITY to fix shit that you fucking broke and all you said was how sorry you were for being such a piece of shit WHILE KEEPING THE BITCH YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH IN THE FUCKING PICTURE AND IN OUR HOME. That's just one big fuck you isn't it?? AND I TOLERATED IT FOR WHAT HAHAHA. It's not fair that I got such an unsatisfying unatoning unsympathetic half assed apology yet still got treated worse than your so called friends and family who have all fucked you over more than once. It's not fair that you forgave them so easily but me? The woman you claimed to love? Your best fucking friend since we were like 16? Nah, fuck me right?

I wish I could hate you so badly god you fucking suck