He was most afraid of losing me (according to himself). Well, isn’t it ironic that he was the one breaking up. He controlled the situation of “losing” me. That is hurtful. Given the circumstances his words were true.
I (30f) am looking for clubs in Berlin that offer more than just techno. I am from Berlin but the club scene has changed so much into almost every trending club just playing techno.
Recently I found a video of Deutschrap vs Bounce Trance which I quite liked. It doesnt have to be Deutschrap necessarly but what I mostly dislike in the genre of techno/ electro is that there is just beats and almost no vocals.
Are there any recommendations where I could go to find music as described above?
One month after he ended the relationship because we are not compatible in the way we deal with our emotions and he didn’t want to invest energy anymore but loves me still, he is back on dating apps. One week after telling me he needs distance and NC still as is still fells pretty fresh and distance usually helps (after I broke nc).
As much as it hurt it also helps to be more mad at him. It leaves me questioning how „bad“ he could be doing if he jumped right back into the dating game, how real his love was (which felt incredibly real) but at the same time I am mad at him for not working on himself more. He has reflected on his way of disconnecting, feeling the need to end things before they hurt him etc. Apparently this and therapy does not stop him from going back to dating apps immediately.
After two relationships involving lies I have problems trusting my partner in a relationship. But if I feel they try to be open, transparent I can most of the time trust them. From time to time mistrust comes up but I voice that and if my need for reassurance or transparency is met I am fine. I also love spending time with a partner, share almost everything, they are the only people I really miss.
I thought my ex to be rather avoidant. I don’t know if FA or DA but I think rather FA. Coming from childhood trauma of losing a parent and feeling like emotions couldn’t be shown to not upset the rest of the family even more but to be the strong one. He relfected on his fear of commitment, dependign on someone, fear of hurting someone, the wish to be more stable. He also does therapy. However breaking up he said typically avoidant things like we are not compatible, a relationship should be easier, he cant invest more energy into this, he has put up a wall around his emotions.
Then I read that avoidants also struggle to have difficult conversations or initiate that or ado intimacy. This was never the case. He initiated conversations when I said something that made him feel critiqued (sometimes he had a point in that), when he felt disconnected etc.. I am rather the one that did not initiate these conversations because I was anxious to have a fight, I rather reflect about things myself and try to find out if it is really that dramatic for me. I am bad at initiating intimacy fearing to be rejected (which never happened with him). I am way too emphatic and find reasons / excuses why he is the way he is.
Would you agree labelling his attachment style as leaning towards avoidant - FA or DA? and mine as anxious?
Hey there, I’ve never been to a festival and now at the age of 30 I thought it’s finally time. Do you have recommendations for festivals in Germany/ the Netherlands for July/August?
I am not that much into techno but rather House, Disco, Pop. Also I’ve seen that the prices are crazy, so if there are smaller ones I’d also appreciate that.
1 month ago my ex decided to break up with me. Knowing his avoidant tendencies (although he never pulled back in the relationship, but always communicated etc., is doing therapy, is reflected, but also showed self doubts, feeling critiqued easily - which he later could reflect as something coming from him, his self doubts/identity struggle) it did one the hand come as a surprise, on the other hand it didn't. However, I thought we were making progress as a couple. Given very stressful circumstances at the time prior to the break up (on both sides) I believe this to be one of the triggers for his decision.
I am still totally heartbroken. Being told that he loves me during the break up but doesn't have the energy to invest anymore and also doesn't want to, us being incompatible in dealing with emotions (well, obviously with avoidant and me rather anxious tendencies) it was a rough breakup where I could convince him to stay at first and I saw him torn completely between breaking up and at the same time wanting the relationship (somehow). But finally he decided he couldn't do it. During the decision he tried to have as little eye- contact or closeness possible, but also showed a lot of emotions.
I feel like he was my person. The one I really loved and I could see he loved me too. I know I deserve someone that wants to stay with me, work through problems, but at the same time I cannot get over him the slightest. Maybe also because I believe in right person, wrong time, still hope for him to further work on his trauma and triggers although I of course know nothing about if he would ever still want this relationship or feels the way I feel. I know he is not doing great, but he also asked for distance and left the door open (with being open to seeing if friendship would be possible, but not now - which I know is also a way of comfort for him having me in my life with low commitment).
I have way too much empathy for him and cannot be mad as I saw him struggle, trying, reflecting and acknowledging problems on his side. Still he chose to leave which now is extremely devastating for me. So when does it get better? Am I wrong for feeling with him and seeing hope in him?
I feel like he at least tried. He has acknowledged patterns from his childhood trauma but I can also understand breaking them, rewiring his nervous system, not falling into old patterns when there are tough times is hard. He is doing therapy. Never went cold in the relationship, always dominantes a need for space. I saw progress. But he also chose to run. Telling me that it just didn’t work out. Sharing insights of having the feeling he has to do things to be loved, feeling changed which beforehand he had already reflected as not being true but sth. rather in his mind coming from his self doubts, that he couldn’t be himself. He was aware of building a wall around his feelings to make that decision of breaking up. He couldn’t close the door fully, said some time with NC would be best.
I know it’s not on me to wait. I know it is not on me whether he wants to really change something. But I do know that this wasn’t a classic avoidant discard. I am afraid he feels guilt, too much to reach out. At the same time almost 3 weeks probably weren’t enough to give each other space and for me to text him.
I don’t know what I want. I know we can’t get back together like this. I want him to work on himself like I am working on myself. I feel like I need to know if he has reflected some of the things from the breakup.
Do you ever hope for me to break NC? You suggested a few weeks of no contact so how can I be the one breaking it? It should be you.
Had a confusing breakup with someone who clearly shows avoidant attachment tendencies. Me being rather anxious. During the relationship (1 year) he seemed to be aware of some patterns and self reflecting saying that (after a trauma as a child) what helped him was suppressing emotions and in the relationship had quite some moments where he started randomly crying but saw it as a good thing as he was feeling something. He knew and said that he withdrew when things got too close because it felt scary and overwhelming. He often communicated when he needed space, reassured me that I am not too much but he needs space to process for himself. Also does therapy.
Before the breakup we had some stressful/ intense weeks each struggling with our own problems (not a lot of quality time, renovating, mental health, stress at work,…). Still he wanted to book a holiday a week before the breakup and made plans about the future. That‘s why the breakup came as a surprise to me. Not because I didn’t know about his patterns when things get too close but because I thought him (mostly) being aware of that, would make him communicate it before it was too late. During the relationship he said he wished for someone more stable for me and his biggest fear was losing me.
Nevertheless, breaking up, he said he didn’t feel so close for the last weeks (also admitted it might have been the stress, after I pointed it out), that he suppressed feelings for the last weeks, but still loves me, that a relationship should feel easier and that he doesnt have the energy and doesn‘t want to invest anymore. Me giving him reasons why the relationship is not doomed made him change his opinion 3 times, he seemed very torn but also seeing me cry and being unsure if him saying he does want the relationship is a lasting decision made him decide it’s for the best to end it. We are in NC although I felt like he didn’t close the door fully (talking about some weeks of NC being best, but that he doesn‘t want to get my hopes up, that it just didn’t work out).
I am just confused. Of course I know it’s for the best if he doesn’t have the capacity to be in a relationship with me to end it. All the avoidant stuff I read online doesn‘t really fit him as he showed clear signs of reflection and also worked on patterns and I saw changes during the relationship. This is what leaves me with hope but of course I don’t want to be in a waiting position forever.