u/Grem_The_Moss_Goblin

Me: “No no. I don’t have depression. It’s not bad enough yet and I don’t want to claim it randomly.”

The psychologist siting across from me in my psych ward room looking between my restraints and the security guards standing outside: “This is quite literally the worst it can get without you being dead.”

Me:……….”but I don’t wanna be attention seeking so nuh uh.”

Psychologist genuinely debating if she would get fired for smacking me with her clipboard.

Okay. I’m a guy but I spawned in with female hardware. I was in hardcore denial for a bit, switching through genders and sexualities weekly. Recently, I was chatting with my best friend about how my sexuality is confusing and how I feel dirty for only liking gay explicit stuff. In my exact words “I think I’m pansexual and non binary but I would be gay if I was born a dude.” I got a very well deserved smack for that one. No one was even remotely surprised when I self gender revealed.

My little sister has always been a nasty little goblin. Both me and my sister have a plethora of mental conditions. She was the one that got most of hers diagnosed first. I spent years masking because I’m the older brother and I’m expected to be calm and help take care of her. My conditions have been recently worsening so I got a bunch diagnosed. My sister absolutely hates this. She is one of those people that makes their conditions their entire personality. She constantly calls me a faker, calls me sensitive, ignores triggers and tells everyone I’m just attention seeking. It’s not exactly fun to live with but I’m used to it. Anyways, recently my family took in my best friend who got kicked out by his abusive family. Pros, my best friend is now my unofficial younger brother. Cons, his entire family thinks I’m the spawn of the devil. He occasionally shows us the wild texts his relatives send him. One text that was sent from a family friend was particularly nasty. The guy called me a tr\*nny (he’s not wrong but it’s still wild to call a random sixteen year old slurs) and a dangerous insane delusional person. When my brother showed my little sister the text, she went beyond ballistic. She was so pissed. She was genuinely ranting to mum for an hour and wanted to call the cops to go shoot him (she’s young, she doesn’t understand how cops work). She is very much the literal embodiment of “only I’m allowed to bully him” and I love her for that. She made me a little paper name tag so “no more mean people will call you a girl even though you actually are”. She a bit confused but she’s got the spirit.

I’ve unlocked a peak strategy for combating gender dysphoria. I still get The Week Of Bloodshed because my body decided to be quirky and not respond to birth control at all. This absolutely fucking sucks because genetics gifted me the extra strength cramps. All of that combined makes the gender dysphoria skyrocket. I then discovered a random Pinterest post that was a screenshot of a Tumblr thread where a ftm dude was talking about how his girlfriend was obsessed with omegavese fics and genuinely just thought of him as an omega male.

Anyway, I now no longer have a period. I’m simply an omega male experiencing heat. I’m aware it’s cringe and genuinely couldn’t care less. If it works, it works.

I’m going to commit great violence. I godamn hate it here. I know I’m fucking autistic. THREE DIFFERENT PSYCHOLOGISTS, ONE PSYCHIATRIST AND EVERY COUNSELLOR IVE EVER HAD SAID THEY ARE A HUNDRED PERCENT SURE IM AUTISTIC. I have a full extensive psychiatric assessment in September, including the autism assessment. My younger sister reminds me of this daily. She’s cruel and so annoying. I was chatting with my mum about why neurodivergent, specifically autistic, individuals tend to have odd or “disturbing” hyper fixations. I used my own hyper fixation in true crime and horror art as an example. My gremlin little sister immediately interrupted me and said “You know you’re not actually autistic, right?” in her condescending “I’m better than you” tone. I tried to clarify and explain that I most likely am but it isn’t confirmed. My mum told me to stop trying to pick a fight. She never defends me even though she believes me because she knows my sister can’t regulate her emotions for shit and will have a nuclear meltdown if not immediately appeased. I would be diagnosed by now if it wasn’t for her shitty masking skills. I wouldn’t have had to bite my arms till they bleed growing up just to keep myself calm and “presentable”. I hate that little thing. From a literal genetic perspective, it’s more likely I have it than I don’t. There is a 90% chance I am, strictly off of constellation diagnosis, genetic probability, and family history. I’m going to scream. I hate it here.

I know logically she did nothing wrong and was just being blunt and honest. I don’t actually hate her or want to hurt her. I’m just really upset and need to rant to regulate my emotions.

This afternoon, my boy went little for a few hours. He loves colouring and wanted to colour. I brought him a box of crayons and his sketchbook. I look back down at my tablet for a moment to change my music to something quieter so I could hear if he was making sad noises (he’s super quiet and mostly non verbal when little). I look back up and he is attempting to eat the crayons. I told him those are unhealthy and gave him his pacifier. He refused and was on a mission to consume the crayons. I was frantically trying to keep him from inhaling the whole box. I gave up and went to get one of my stuffed animals that he finds creepy. I made it have a scary voice and made it growl whenever he tried to eat a crayon. It worked. Mission successful.

I have and am knowledgeable about:

OCD (pure type)

ADHD (inattentive)

MADD

Social Anxiety Disorder (I have a lot of experience with panic attacks)

Synesthesia (specifically Chromesthesia)

Potential Autism Spectrum Disorder. Still in the process of getting that evaluated, so for now I just use the term Sensory Processing Disorder.

Again, no questions are off limits unless you are being blatantly rude