u/Hawks-fly-high

Just as the title asks?

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The Unwanted Anniversary

Today is the one year anniversary since my mother left this world. Most anniversaries are celebrated, but this day is neither a holiday nor a special moment. My family and I have celebrated many “firsts” without her, but today is a reminder of when her journey ended. I cannot believe it has been a year already!

We had a great team of caregivers through Bridges Hospice and I will forever recommend this company. They are one-in-a-million! We were informed once my mother stopped eating, she may pass within 10 days and when she stops drinking, that she will probably pass within five days. I knew it was coming, but nothing changed within me. I was shut down. We were giving her everything she needed and I still ended up feeling that I needed to do more. I don't think my mind truly understood how impactful those moments would be a year later.

I still replay portions of those last few days spent with her in hopes it will give me some clarity. I know the outcome was never going to be different. She was not eating and drinking, and the progression of her vascular dementia was unstoppable. My logic knew that nothing more could have been done, but my heart still has this heaviness that I should have been more aware of what was happening to her body. I knew the time was here, but I didn't treat it differently. It was just another day of caregiving despite the interaction I tried to have with her. I was focused on the task; keep her out of pain and calm. I was still taking care of her and making sure her comfort level was maximized, but I still feel like I missed something. I had the facts, but what I find interesting is my brain was in some form of denial.

Once hospice gave us this timeline, we knew the inevitable was happening. During that last week, I spent every day at my brother's house caring for her while he worked. Then an aide, sibling, or he would take the night shift so I could be home with my children. The person that was normally on the night shift was off that day. Due to seeing the rapid progression in those last days prior, something gave me a warning to come back for the night shift. I also decided to do this because I didn’t want my brother to be alone if she were to pass. I went home to my children, spent an hour or so with them and returned to my brother's house around 12:30am.

I remember that night; neither one of us really knew what to do with ourselves. We were faced with certainty of what was to come, but neither of us changed our actions. When I returned back from my house, my brother and I sat at his dining room table until 1am silently doom scrolling on our phones which I am sure at this point was a distraction from the pain and sadness. He eventually went to bed around one a.m. after briefly speaking to her, and I to the recliner, beside her. My job for the night was administering her medicine at 3 am. I remember debating on whether or not I needed to set an alarm. I struggled to sleep when I was there overnight so I figured I would probably wake up around then anyway, but eventually did drift off without setting my alarm. She was sleeping most of the day, but that last night her eyes were not closing. So, I turned off the light and laid back in the recliner next to her and drifted off. My mother had very bright blue eyes and they have created a permanent imprint in my head from those last hours and minutes. I see them vividly.

Somewhere around 2am, after drifting to sleep and back awake, I kept thinking to myself, I wonder if she is still here, but the lights were off and I could not see anything. Shortly after those thoughts entered my head, I heard a forceful, heavy exhale from her. It sounded similar to the outward breath after a yawn and I thought, okay, she is still here and drifted off to sleep again. I woke up around 3:30 a.m. and panicked that I missed giving her the 3 a.m. medication. I turned the lights on and her eyes were open, but they had been open most of the latter part of the day. However, they looked different to me. There's a lot about this night I remember, and there's a ton about this night that I feel I disengaged with.

I spent time staring at her to confirm if she had passed. I swear I could still see her breathing! Quickly afterwards I realized she was not. Then this pattern of realization and doubt repeated for probably 15 minutes. Back and forth; I see her belly rising then talking to myself in my head, no it is not. My eyes were messing with me! Eventually I went to wake up my brother to tell him “I think she is gone”.

He woke up and we started down the path to see if she was still with us. Her eyes were open, she was warm, but her hands and feet were not. He could not find a pulse, but it was already shallow prior to and difficult for us to find. We tried to see if she was breathing by putting a tissue by her face to see if it would move, but it wasn’t. After all of that, we still were unsure even though all the facts were staring at us in the face! Why? Looking back, again, our denial would not allow us to recognize that she was no longer with us.

Weeks and months after she passed, I was/am still debating in my head how the last night unfolded. I see her eyes in my vision and question if she was already gone prior to 1 a.m. when I turned off the lights. Should I have kept the lights on because it could have allowed me to recognize her exhaling for the last time? Did she even really make that sound? Then I remember being taken back by how large of an exhale she gave. Then I think again, maybe my mind created that noise to calm my nerves. My mind is all over the place regarding this and wondering how normal this is for everyone who has watched a loved one suffer this way.

I wish I was aware of how “her death” was going to be so I could have been present. Despite all of the facts provided to me/us and our understanding of what was soon to come, I wish I had known that the hours left were closing down to minutes. I was there when she took her last breath. I was beside her so she was not alone. Regardless of my specific relationship with my mother, I feel as though I let her down by not having the lights on, holding her hand waiting for her to leave even though in those final moments I was not conscious that they were just that. I still feel that I should have done something more in that moment to connect with her. I find myself grieving so much more than just her death.

Thanks for listening!

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I shared some details (SA) with my therapist for the first time via email (they encourage email because I struggled to communicate verbally) today, like within the past few hours.  They responded correctly, but I am so worked up at the embarrassment, fear, and vulnerability I am being overrun with. I feel like Im having a panic attack.  

I hate this. I hate that I need this step to heal. I hate that this is my life. Im overwhelmed so please be gentle. I feel like my inside are being ripped open. 

I dont ever want to share this again even though their response was understanding. At the same time, I feel I need to do this, but now Im second guessing myself because of my intense emotions I have right now. 

I don't really know what i'm asking. Maybe Im just asking for help. I just don't know right now. How do I cope with this?

I feel like my basic skills have gone out the window. I take any support at this moment. Next step would be 988, cause Im fried. 

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I shared some details (SA) with my therapist for the first time via email (they encourage email because I struggled to communicate verbally) today, like within the past few hours. They responded correctly, but I am so worked up at the embarrassment, fear, and vulnerability I am being overrun with. I feel like Im having a panic attack.

I hate this. I hate that I need this step to heal. I hate that this is my life. Im overwhelmed so please be gentle. I feel like my inside are being ripped open.

I dont ever want to share this again even though their response was understanding. At the same time, I feel I need to do this, but now Im second guessing myself because of my intense emotions I have right now.

I don't really know what i'm asking. Maybe Im just asking for help. I just don't know right now. How do I cope with this?

I feel like my basic skills have gone out the window. I take any support at this moment. Next step would be 988, cause Im fried.

I shared some details, how do I get over this?

I shared some details (SA) with my therapist for the first time via email (they encourage email because I struggled to communicate verbally) today, like within the past few hours. They responded correctly, but I am so worked up at the embarrassment, fear, and vulnerability I am being overrun with. I feel like Im having a panic attack.

I hate this. I hate that I need this step to heal. I hate that this is my life. Im overwhelmed so please be gentle. I feel like my inside are being ripped open.

I dont ever want to share this again even though their response was understanding. At the same time, I feel I need to do this, but now Im second guessing myself because of my intense emotions I have right now.

I don't really know what i'm asking. Maybe Im just asking for help. I just don't know right now. How do I cope with this?

I feel like my basic skills have gone out the window. I take any support at this moment. Next step would be 988, cause Im fried.

I shared some details, how do I get over this?

I shared some details (SA) with my therapist for the first time via email (they encourage email because I struggled to communicate verbally) today, like within the past few hours.  They responded correctly, but I am so worked up at the embarrassment, fear, and vulnerability I am being overrun with. I feel like Im having a panic attack.  

I hate this. I hate that I need this step to heal. I hate that this is my life. Im overwhelmed so please be gentle. I feel like my inside are being ripped open. 

I dont ever want to share this again even though their response was understanding. At the same time, I feel I need to do this, but now Im second guessing myself because of my intense emotions I have right now. 

I don't really know what i'm asking. Maybe Im just asking for help. I just don't know right now. How do I cope with this?

I feel like my basic skills have gone out the window. I take any support at this moment. Next step would be 988, cause Im fried. 

​

I had two sessions with a somatic experienced therapist and unfortunately found out after the fact that they were not in my insurance plan. It was a great experience. I have been researching other therapists, but find that most only just use somatic within their overall eclectic style. Where else can I look to find one for the area I live in?

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

​

I had two sessions with a somatic experienced therapist and unfortunately found out after the fact that they were not in my insurance plan. It was a great experience. I have been researching other therapists, but find that most only just use somatic within their overall eclectic style. Where else can I look to find one for the area I live in?

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

I had two sessions with a somatic experienced therapist and unfortunately found out after the fact that they were not in my insurance plan. It was a great experience. I have been researching other therapists, but find that most only just use somatic within their overall eclectic style. Where else can I look to find one for the area I live in?

Any help would be greatly appreciated.