u/Icy_Geologist2959

I hope this message is well recieved. This sub does, after all, belong to all of you. It is your safe space in which I am an interloper as a cis male.

I am posting here to timidly express my sorrow and angst. Parenting my young sons, one of whom is on the spectrum, during COVID while working on my PhD I largely disconnectes from the news. Despite this, the increased and suatained invective hurled at the trans community has pissed me off more and more. This is not the world in which I wish to live or raise my kids in.

Transgender issues have never affected me directly. I do not and have not knowingly known anyone who is trans and only experienced fleeting interractions when my path has crossed that of a trans individual. Perhaps it is how I am wired, perhaps it is that I am bi, but I could never see what the big deal was for non-trans people: your existence demand exactly nothing of us cis people. However, I could imagine the anguish and bravery that it must take to live as trans in the world - a faint whiff at least. It is only right that you're all afforded the same dignity and respect I have lived with, unconditionally, vis-á-vis my gender. I look at my kids and consider that I wilk demand no less than that of society should either of them be trans.

So, I am sorry for the misplaced anger refracted by the media and the powerful from them onto your shoulders. You all deserve better. We all deserve better. The world deserves better. The hateful have recruited me to your cause.

Hi all,

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I'm an Aussie in Madrid. As a social worker now graduating from my Australian doctoral program, I am finding it quite challenging to find meaningful work. I have been here a few years now and my Spanish is quite good conversationally, though my grammar continues to be fairly bad (I am self taught: trying, guessing etc).

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Now that the thesis is written I have much more time to look for work. I have applied to all of the private Universities, looked in my field and similar work (very little that is not Spanish heavy, naturally). I have taught English and spent a while working for a marketing firm (actually telemarketing - it was awful and nonsensical). The problem is breaking out of the English only workforce.

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It appears that there are, broadly speaking, 3 classifications of work for native English speakers such as myself:

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1. English heavy work where native or near native level English is an absolute requirement and Spanish is desirable.

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2. Very high Engliah skills, but native/near-native Spanish as an assumed essential.

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3. Most other jobs where English is either desirable or irrelevant.

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My question is: other than simply improvimg our Spanish, how do we break out of the English-only bubble?

Well, I think I've really done it.

I've always struggled to form romantic relationships. My first one was with someone who was alcoholic and abusive. After 7 years, I got out, shortly after having a kitchen knife pulled on me. A couple of years later, after (somewhat) coming to terms with the possibility that I may end up alone, I met the love of my life.

My wife and I married and had kids within 2 years. They were the happiest years of my life. Though overjoied with the birth of our first son, I was a struggle. From birth, he would wake by 7am and nit sleep - at all - until 1am. After that he woke every 45mins. But, we survived. I learned how to put him down, though it took 3 hours every night, he did begin to sleep.

Later more difficulties began. We struggled to get him to eat, had challenges with him socialising, and then came the meltdowns. They were full on. Two hours, twice daily full of screams, insults, violent outbursts. We had to tag team to keep him safe and ensure our other son was not ignored.

Then came the appointments. I'd started my PhD shortly before the meltdowns really began, so my time was most flexible. But, I was a horrible organiser and had to be reminded a lot. My wife felt as though she was having to drive the process while I would do the nuts and bolts. I forgot a few things along the way to make it more complex. After a roundabout of diagnoses that would be made, then removed, ASD stuck, in combination with giftedness.

Eventually, the pressure of all of these complexities and being far from famkly was too much. So, we moved to Spain. I spoke a little Spanish, but not much. In my 40s, I tried to adapt. I ploughed into my writing and took Spanish classes. Then the anxiety started. I was waking at 7am to organise the kids, working through the day, picking them up from school and then going to my spanish class to return home at 11pm. This was 5 times per day. The class was awkward, as over my first year I had picked up a lot of vocabulary and could use it well. So, I could speak and underatand far better than anyone else in the class, but my grammer was far behind. My forgetfulness in the rest of life was a real problem. Then, I dislocated my shoulder. This became a frozen shoulder reatricting my reach such that I had to learn to dress and wash my hair without my dominant hand. At dirst I coukd barely write. I was in pain whenever I moved that arm or it recieved pressure impacting my sleep. This continued for a year.

After a couple of years, I recieved my ADHD diagnosis. I started medication. My forgetfulness improved as did my focus and writing. But, I was now on an emotional rollercoaster. To add to this, moving here was a major rupture with my parents. I do not think they will ever truly forgive me. I fell into a pit of anxiety and depression. Many days I barely achieved more than the bare minimum needed at home and keeping myself emotionally stable when my family was home. Alone, I would fall to pieces. But, I was remebering things and causing less stress. At least, I thought so.

I started work, but the anxiety was making me struggle enourmously. I felt pathetic. But, I kept things moving forward. Then, I took a new job in a call centre. It payed far more, but I had to wake at 4am and work from home, in isolation. I still had not made any friends by this point. I felt very, very alone. But, at least I was helping. I was earning far more than before. Then the job began to scramble my brain.

Every shift I would turn into a zombie. The anxiety came back, not as strong as before, but I was scared it woukd get there. I was put on a campaign calling the Phillipines (I do not know a word of Tagalog and have no connection to the nation) and my performance fell. The after effects of the job worsened. After constant vigilence, I would collapse after work. Once

My brain began to function again, it would whizz at a thousand miles an hour focused only on the job. How the demands did not make sense. What could I do to make sense out of it? How could I improve my performance? I ended up having to quit as my health was deteriorating, again.

Then, I finished writing my thesis. And, I prepared a course proposal for a University in Madrid which passed the first hurdle for consideration. One of my papers hit 43 citations and the reviewers of my thesis were picked. Adter this, I finished planning my wife's 50th. I managed to organise it in secret over months. I arranged for 3 of her best friends from different places across Europe to surprise her, and a video compilation of birthday wishes from otger friends scattered around the world. She remarked to others that it was the best birthday of her life. It was one of the proudest moments in mine. I even had a couple of friends by this point.

After this, I realise it may all be too little, too late. For her stress over the years, taking the lead in so many things, dealing with my unreliability as I would forget things or get things mixed up took a toll. The time she was the sole person earning money. The jobs she disliked. It had been too much and I had not really realised.

Today, I completed the first step toward getting my Spanish driving licence. Although I have driven since I was 16, I could not exchange my licence here and have had to start from the beginning. When I showed her, pleased this was another positive on my side, along with the list of job applications I have made over the past week, I was met with anger. She is fed up. She saw it as a diatraction from me getting a job. She saw the 40€ it cost without me having an income. She saw a third child. She told me that she is not sure that she is able to get over her anger with me.

I may have fucked this up and I have no idea what to do about it. This is only the second relationship I have ever had and the only one that did not make me feel bitter and fearful. I may end up alone after all.

Just wanting to share some success.

I was diagnosed with ADHD about two years ago. Last week, my supervisors finally told me that they believe my PhD is ready to submit! I will defend it in September.

Thanks to evwryone here. There have been times that this sub has helped to keep me sane.