u/Itstouya

Let me waste away in bed all alone. I don’t deserve recovery or comfort. Just let the sickness consume me. Im too tired of fighting it.

As a kid I’d always hate that I got darker in the summer,
And how I had really thick dark hair and dark eyes.
I had always wished I could’ve been like my brother (mom is Lebanese dad is white)
Cause he has green eyes, light brown hair, freckles,
And he is super pale.
I always felt jealous of other people with more white traits growing up. And even now at 19,
I still wish I had paler skin or blue eyes.
I avoid sunlight and use sunscreen to try to avoid getting tan.
And at points I’ve thought about getting contact lenses so I could have lighter eyes.
As a guy, I always was jealous of the guys with lighter and finer body hair. While I have extremely thick and dark body hair everywhere.
But at the same time, I’m told I’m “white passing” to a degree. But in white spaces I don’t fit in.
And in Lebanese/west Asian spaces, I also don’t fit in. I feel too white to be Lebanese, but too Lebanese to be white. And sometimes it’s really hard.

So the last couple of days, almost a week,
Most times when I’m done eating I feel nauseous.
As well as today, I just burped and felt something come up, i literally had to swallow it down cause i have a fear of vomiting. I didn’t feel nauseous before it happened? But now I’m all paranoid. I don’t know if this is because of my ED or not. I’m kind of “off and on” but recently it’s gotten really bad again, maybe the last 2 weeks?
I have no history of bulimia, cause I have a very intense fear of throwing up.

I’m not talking about gender, I’m talking about biological sex. I’m sick of people thinking it’s plain and simple “one or the other” since when has nature ever been just black and white?
Intersex people are literally proof that biological sex doesn’t always fit in one box.
I’m sick of people thinking intersex is this crazy super rare thing. Cause it’s not. What is rare is being born with BOTH sets of genitalia. What is more common is having sex characteristics that are on a spectrum between male and female.
Like male genitalia but it presents more “feminine” in certain ways. Or female genitalia but it literally looks and presents more masculine.
People who were assigned female at birth, but have male internal organs, or have XY chromosomes.
All of this ISN’T rare. and the thing is, people almost never get diagnosed because doctors don’t like to diagnose someone with being intersex. Why? Cause it breaks the idea of straight up only “male or female” when in reality that is not the case. That’s like saying only masculine and feminine exist. It’s a whole ass spectrum. There isn’t only left and right, you can also go straight or up, or down. There is NEVER a case in nature where it’s black and white cut and dry. Intersex isn’t a “sexuality” it isn’t being trans (unless you want to identify that way)
But intersex is literally just the spectrum between male and female. We as humans are so complex and so different, is it really that crazy of a concept to understand that our sex also is a spectrum? All of the complex shit that goes on in our brains and body? All the complex shit that goes on while we are in the womb? How complex we are in terms of society? It’s never just black and white. Just like on a color wheel, if you go from black to white, you’ll pass 100s of different shades along the way.
I wish we still had all the research we had on intersex people before Nazis burned 20,000 books worth of information on gender, identity, and sexuality in 1933.
The world is always trying to erase people that will always exist

So I’m walking to the park, I sit down, draw for about an hour and a half, as im walking out of the park i pass some kids probably around the ages of 12-13.
Now I’m already prepared for some bullshit they are about to say cause of my appearance. Cause god forbid a guy wears black skinny jeans and a black hoodie.. these kids go “tonight will be the night that I will fall for you” singing some stupid emo song I’ve heard a million times. Now because I’m turning 20 this year, anyone under the age of 17 I give a pass for acting like an asshole. I won’t yell at them if they are just little kids. So I flip them off and they go quiet, probably seeing my tattoo and thinking “uh oh that’s an adult”
And as I I’m walking away, one of them says “KILL YOURSELF” I turn around and look at them and they quickly say “never mind I didn’t mean it!” Which to me was kind of funny cause like.. really? At least commit to it if you’re going to say it buddy. I try not to let that shit get to me cause it’s little kids. But also who the fuck is letting them behave like that? Anyway I walk out of the park and as I’m walking 2 teenagers my age in a car roll down their windows and start barking at me.. like dude you want a bone? Tf you doing? Now that did piss me off cause those were people in my age group. Like really? I get a 12 year old being a little shit, but dude ur like what? 18?? 19?? Get a life. They drove away before I could tell them to go fist themselves. But I don’t know what parents are doing to make their kids so fucking insufferable. I’m quiet, I keep to myself, I don’t bother anyone. For fucks sake I was drawing at a park. Unfortunately this isn’t abnormal for me, I’m used to having people record me and laugh at me all while I’m literally just
Minding my own business. Again, wearing skinny jeans, a black hoodie. No crazy eye make up, no crazy hair, just me wearing normal clothes. God forbid I have facial piecrings and I have naturally black hair? It’s getting to the point where I’m paranoid to walk anywhere or go anywhere. Like I’m paranoid to go to a Walmart on a Sunday or Saturday in fear I’ll be harassed by teenagers out of school. It’s not the little kids that bother me; it’s the other kids MY AGE that bother me. I used to say and do nothing when it happened, but after 4+ years of it? I just flip them off or tell the to go fuck themselves. Or maybe a combo of both. I am so sick of people’s behavior. Even old people don’t act like this. I hate my generation and Gen Alpha so much. Can’t I just fucking walk or do anything without having a camera shoved in my face? Or some random guy barking at me??

Does anyone give themselves a “reward”
Once they hit a “goal weight”?
Right now I won’t allow myself to re-dye my hair until I reach a certain number.

Kind of like “I can do this when I’m at ___”
? Anyone else do this?
I’m telling myself when I hit my “goal weight”
I can get myself the tattoo I’ve always wanted.
Idk if anyone else does this, and I hope the question isn’t too triggering. Apologies in advance if it is. Please stay safe ❤️‍🩹