u/Itstouya

I think my body is pissed at me, and it has every right to be.
I’ve been drinking energy drinks on an empty stomach, everyday. sometimes twice a day, for over a year. On top of that, I’ve been taking my adhd medication.

My body has been starved, and then pumped full of stimulants for the past year or so, and I think it’s finally catching up to me.
I drank an energy drink a couple days ago, and I felt so sick I almost threw up.

I thought it might’ve been because I had a cookie that day, so I blamed the cookies and moved on.
But everyday since then, everytime I have my energy drink on an empty stomach (out of habit.)

I get exhausted. Sluggish. My adhd medication is making me want to be productive and move my body. Meanwhile the caffeine is crashing my system. I feel like I can’t move I’m so exhausted. It’s only 10am. I’m sitting here, on my bedroom floor, realizing what I’ve been doing to my body for years.

I’ve been starving it, then refeeding it rabidly,
Then starving it again. I’ve been taking adhd stimulants that are prescribed to me, and also having 250mg+ of caffeine everyday on an empty stomach.
I keep gaining and then losing, and then gaining, and then losing. I’m exhausted. Everything I eat makes me bloated and exhausted. I’m nauseous if I don’t eat, I’m nauseous if I do eat.

My body kept up with this abuse for years, and now I think it’s just too tired to try to keep up anymore.
My mouth is dry, I feel like I need to get up and move my body, but I feel so sluggish. I feel like I’ve been awake for 24 hours. I feel like I just downed a bunch of melatonin, that’s how exhausted I am. It’s been happening the last couple of days,
I self medicated with the energy drinks, and also let it fuel my disorder. And now I feel like I’m dependent on them, but they make me feel really sick. I feel really sick. I hate my body so much, and I think it hates me too.

I got prescribed my first adhd medication at 18, and I was given 35mg of extended release adderall. This was one of the first medications that my psychiatrist gave me. I had no previous experience with any stimulants or any other ADHD medication’s. I only ask if this is normal because she has a really poor history of putting me on medication’s that are way too high of a dose right off the bat. Idk if this matters, but I’m 5’6 I’m a small guy, and I feel like 35mg right off the bat??? Is WAY too much. I feel like she is giving off a lot of red flags. This is only ONE of her red flags. But another, is that she often FORGETS to refill my medication. Forcing me to call her office and beg her to refill it. This has happened more than I can remember. Again, this isn’t even everything she’s ever done. I need to ask if anyone else has had their psychiatrist has prescribed them adderall on an extremely high dose right off the bat.

Maybe this is stupid, or cringe, I don’t know.

But I was cleaning my room today, and my full body mirror that I’ve had for the past 4 years, randomly fell face down onto the floor.
and completely shattered. Luckily my flooring isn’t carpet so it was an easy cleanup.

But this mirror was the mirror I had during the worst of my trauma. I know people say that breaking a mirror is “bad luck”, but I kind of feel a bit relieved that it’s broken to shit.
I’m not a superstitious person, or a religious person.
But I kind of take this as a “sign” to start a new chapter in my life, and to leave what happened in the past.

As if the mirror held memories, old versions of myself. I’ve been viewing myself in the same mirror for the past 4 years, and now I’m forced to throw it out and get a new mirror to look at myself.
Maybe it’s silly, but I take it as a “view yourself in a new way”. Especially because the mirror is so shattered, that I cannot even see myself properly in it anymore. Do I think this will automatically cure my CPTSD? No. But I do feel really good about it breaking. In the past, I’ve had breakdowns and I’ve tried to break this same mirror, with no success.
And now it seems it just break itself Cause I wasn’t even touching it when it sudden fell and shattered.

Maybe this is stupid, or “cringe”. I don’t think this will magically “cure” me or anything. I just feel a bit relieved now.

fucking hate it here. Everyone here is either old as fuck, racist, bigoted, or just overall horrible to be around. I’m sick of being called slurs by redneck fucks. I’m sick of having no sense of community.
I could’ve been a different person, with a different life, a better life. If I had been born in a different state that wasn’t just full of cow shit, farm equipment, and drunk bigoted assholes.

I’ve wasted my whole 19, almost 20 years of life living in this fucking hell hole. The winters are fucking awful. The summers are just tornadoes and random heatwaves. As if we get much of a summer anymore. It’s just cold as fuck for more than half of the fucking year. Ever have to dig your car out of 11 inches of snow? No? Lucky.

Being queer and alt In the Midwest is NOT fun.
I understand why there is no one like me that lives in Wisconsin, it’s because they have left the fucking state. Good for them, as they should. It’s fucking ass here and I’m sick of it. And every single time I say how much I hate it here, some fucker is like “oh but my experience in Wisconsin has been great”
Good for you?? But mine isn’t?
I’m glad people can find happiness here in this hellhole of a state, genuinely. But me? I’m not fucking happy here.
I feel suicidal over the fact that I’ve wasted my whole 19 years of life in a place that has broken me down to nothing.
Bullied non stop by random strangers on the fucking streets. Recorded and pointed at by strangers for no fucking reason. Oh boo hoo, I dress differently than you get the fuck over it.

I am not an angry or aggressive person, but this town and this state has made me extremely hostile towards people.
Because all I’ve ever known is people mocking me for no fucking reason. There isn’t one set of “bullies” or a certain group that targets me. It’s just random strangers. It’s never the same person or the same group that harasses me.

Like oh no did I upset you because I wore a band t shirt and black jeans?? Oh poor you. Get a fucking life you redneck fucking cuck.

I’m so angry that I could’ve had a local alternative scene, and I could’ve made friends in a community. I COULD’VE. If I wasn’t born here.

My boyfriend is in California and he has so much more community than I could ever dream of.
Local shows, a community, people who dress like him and like the music he likes.
I’ve never ever experienced that.
My boyfriend says people would love me in California, and that I’d make friends so fast.

And yet I can’t believe him when he says that. Why? Because my ONLY experience is being bullied recorded, and mocked by strangers on the streets.
The idea of anyone coming up to me and not harassing me? Is genuinely a foreign concept. And I’m so fucking sick of it. I keep to myself, I mind my own business. There’s no reason for me to be harassed by randos to the point where I’m scared to go outside. Or to the point that I turn into a hostile person. It’s at the point where I might start picking fights with whoever harasses me, because I’m genuinely sick of it. I never thought I’d be the type of person to confront someone, much less start a fight,
But it’s getting to that point.
This state has broken me down. I have no self esteem whatsoever anymore. I have no confidence.
I have no community.
I feel trapped in this hellhole for a state, and I’d genuinely feel like my teen years have been wasted living in this fuck ass state. I’ve gone though so much because of where I live and where I grew up. I wish I could’ve had more community. I’m angry and I mourn the good memories I could’ve had if I had been born in California or another state.
Biologically, humans need social support. We need community. That’s just how humans are. And being unable to get that? It’s extremely distressful.

My whole life I told myself “no drinking, no smoking, no weed, no pills.”
My family has a history of nicotine and alcohol addiction.

I’m 19, turning 20, live in Wisconsin.
The drunkest state in America,
But I’ve never touched alcohol.
I’ve never vaped, smoked,
Nothing.
That’s not to say I’m better than someone who does smoke or drink, I don’t mind if someone else drinks or smokes. In fact, I’m jealous that they have the balls to smoke, I’m too anxious for that. I envy them. But I am proud of myself for keeping the promise that I’d never end up a drunk like my father.

I thought: “if I stay away from smoking and drinking I’ll never get an addiction.”

Cue the extremely loud incorrect buzzer sound.
Instead of becoming an alcoholic or a smoker,
I developed one of the most deadly disorders you could ever be diagnosed with. Anorexia.

I don’t pick up a bottle or a cig when I’m stressed.
I get a zero sugar energy drink and down it with my adhd meds on an empty stomach.

When I need a dopamine boost,
I starve myself.
I waste away.

I really told myself that I was strong enough to not get an addiction. I told myself if I stayed away from drugs and drinking and smoking, I’d be safe. But I was wrong.

I have an addiction.
The adrenaline rush my body gets when it’s running on empty.
The pride I feel when the scale goes down.

I am no different than my father. he picks up a bottle to run away from his feelings,

I starve myself to run away from my feelings.
He drinks to make himself feel good.
I starve to make myself feel good.

He drinks so he doesn’t have to focus on the things he’s running away from.

I starve so I don’t have to focus on the things I’m running away from.

My dad sobs uncontrollably when he is left with nothing to distract him.
I sob uncontrollably when I’m left with nothing to distract me.

I get upset at my father for telling my mom that he doesn’t need help, That he can quit whenever he wants.
I’m angry at him for choosing alcohol over his family, instead of getting help.

But then I turn around,
And refuse help for my anorexia.
I turn around and choose my disorder over important things in my life.

I tell myself “I don’t need help. I can quit whenever I want.”

Me and my dad aren’t so different after all.
The only difference is,
I’d never lift a finger on my mom like he did.
I’d never belittle her like he did.

But whenever my mom talks about how much she resents my father, I always feel a pang of guilt,
Because I am my father’s son.
I run away like he does,
I avoid things like he does,
I can’t be vulnerable and express my emotions, he struggles with that too.
He struggles getting help for his addiction,
And lying to my mother by saying “I’m getting better”

I’ve lied to my mom about getting better.
I told her “I’m in recovery. I’m eating.”
I’m lying. I hate lying to her.
I’m lying to her, and to myself.

I truly believe I’ll get better,
But anorexia pulls me back from recovery every single time.

I miss being sick, I was so confident in my body and my appearance. I miss the control, and I miss the love I had for myself. Or the love I had for my sick body.

I don’t think i genuinely had love for myself, me. I had love for my sick body.
I feel like a different person whenever I’m controlled by my eating disorder. It’s almost like I’m someone else. I do things that I normally would never ever do when I’m sick, so I can’t tell if I genuinely Miss being sick. Or if my anorexia misses being sick.
I’m still “thin”
I’m still “healthy” looking on the outside.

“Oh you look so much healthier now! You’ve gained muscle and you look great”

But I don’t feel great.
I feel out of control and I don’t feel the confidence I had when I was sick.
I know I’m just romanticizing my own disorder,
I’m choosing to remember how good I felt about my appearance,
And choose to forget about passing out in the shower.
Unable to roller-skate without feeling dizzy,
Nausea just from smelling food,
A fear of food,
My eyes sunken in,
Being cold all the time,
Being hungry ALL the time.
But the hate that I hold for myself runs so deep,
That it seems as though I have to get to my bones just to feel love for myself.

If you don’t know what “larping” means, it’s this word that my generation (gen Z) are using to describe someone who is faking something.
Or “pretending” to be something that they aren’t.
It’s stupid I know.
But I just got told that my weight was “too average” to be anorexic. And that because I’m a man, I’m not very likely to have anorexia because women get it more than men. They told me to “stop larping” and that they doubted I had anorexia.

This is super triggering for me, and I’m already struggling as it is.
I feel as though I have to be sick enough to show people that I’m sick.
Just the fact they said “your weight looks too average for that so I doubt it.”

Just some random asshole said this, but I can’t get it out of my head.

I’ve been on methylphenidate for a while now, 35mg I believe. I have a combo type of adhd, and I’m not sure if this one medication takes care of both. I still get these moments where I feel like I have to do something, or go somewhere, do something impulsively, but I can’t. I feel physically stuck. Like I can’t move or do anything. And I want to get up and do something. Anything. It’s like I need dopamine immediately or else I’ll crash.
Spending money, eating when I’m not hungry, driving somewhere, doing a project, caffeine, something. But I can’t do that. I feel like I’m physically stuck and unable to do any of that. I feel like there’s so much going on in my brain, that my body just shuts off.
Maybe it’s worth mentioning that I have autism as well, maybe that’s apart of it.. but honestly doubt it. I think it’s my combo type of adhd just attacking me from different angles that my medication might not work for. I might just force myself to a gas station to get a monster energy drink (second one for the day) just to get a spike of energy.
Is this a sign that my meds might need a different dose? Or maybe a different medication? Or maybe even just another medication to take alongside that one?? I don’t know. Right now I’ve just been drinking energy drink daily, and taking my adhd meds as is.

I try always to cover ALL bases whenever I’m talking to someone about a more serious topic.
So there is NO WAY that they can misunderstand what I’m trying to say.
But every single time, even when I am being honest, and genuine, and cover every single possible thing that could ever be misinterpreted, I STILL GET MISINTERPRETED BY PEOPLE.
What am I doing wrong??
I’m doing all the things that are good to do.
I’m honest, but without being cruel,
I’m genuine, I make sure to state clearly my feelings and my intentions, and the want to communicate.
But somehow I’m still not understood.
And it’s not like I choose not to communicate well. My WHOLE POINT on explaining, and in depth communicating, And over explaining is so I can be understood when communicating. I’ll do literally anything and I’ll change anything I’m doing so people can understand my intentions. But no matter what I do I always fail somehow. It happens in person, over text??

I think of every possible way that something could be interpreted as BEFORE I SAY IT. ESPECIALLY over text.
I listen, I’m not lying or being malicious or mean, or passive aggressive or anything. I know everyone views things differently, and how I communicate will work well, or work horribly, depending on the person I’m communicating with. But it’s so frustrating that I’m always misunderstood. Because I’ll do anything and I’ll change everything about my tone, the words I use, everything. Just to get my point across clearly. The last thing I want is to hurt someone’s feelings.

Ever since I started to eat more regularly after a bad relapse,
I have been extremely emotional over food. If I’m unable to get food, or have access to the food I want. or I am craving, i literally take it as a “sign” not to eat. It makes me depressed and it makes me feel worthless and disgusting everytime.
My kitchen is under renovation, so I can’t cook, I’ve been eating out. And everytime my local gas station is out of the food I want, I feel like sobbing. Maybe it’s partly because of my autism, but it was only an issue after my bad relapse where I went so long without food. And now, if I’m denied food just simply because the food I wanted isn’t there, I feel like I’m being denied food all together. I won’t eat anything else. Like the other day, I was at a gas station waiting in line for pizza slices. The gas station sells individual slices you can get. I was really craving some, and I let myself know it was okay to have pizza. But the guy in front of me, dead ass took all the pizza slices. In front of me. And I felt like food was being taken away from me. I know it wasn’t actually, but that’s how it felt. I felt like it was “proof” I shouldn’t even have pizza, or food in general. I literally cried over it. I feel stupid for feeling angry, or upset or sad over food. I should just get something else to eat, but after being unable to get the food I wanted, I’m unable to get myself to eat anything else. I feel like such a freak.

Despite my back and forth for my mindset on if I want to recover or not.. I still eat.
I eat when I’m hungry, and I try not to count how much I’m eating. I still have a very disordered mind, but I think my eating habits don’t reflect that as much as they used to.
I don’t weigh myself,
But I’ve noticed I’ve been losing even when in “recovery”. I’m not restricting, I’m not taking anything, I’m not purging, nothing. In fact I’m having treats like donuts and pizza, and ice cream.
But somehow I seem to not be gaining. I never thought I’d be worried about losing rather than gaining, but it does worry me.
Because I’m not doing anything to encourage this weight loss, and it seems to be happening rather quickly.
I don’t know if this is normal, and it probably isn’t.
Maybe it’s just my imagination? I haven’t weighed myself to confirm, but I really want to avoid that for obvious reasons.

Is this something I should bring up to my psychiatrist? Or a doctor?

Let me waste away in bed all alone. I don’t deserve recovery or comfort. Just let the sickness consume me. Im too tired of fighting it.

As a kid I’d always hate that I got darker in the summer,
And how I had really thick dark hair and dark eyes.
I had always wished I could’ve been like my brother (mom is Lebanese dad is white)
Cause he has green eyes, light brown hair, freckles,
And he is super pale.
I always felt jealous of other people with more white traits growing up. And even now at 19,
I still wish I had paler skin or blue eyes.
I avoid sunlight and use sunscreen to try to avoid getting tan.
And at points I’ve thought about getting contact lenses so I could have lighter eyes.
As a guy, I always was jealous of the guys with lighter and finer body hair. While I have extremely thick and dark body hair everywhere.
But at the same time, I’m told I’m “white passing” to a degree. But in white spaces I don’t fit in.
And in Lebanese/west Asian spaces, I also don’t fit in. I feel too white to be Lebanese, but too Lebanese to be white. And sometimes it’s really hard.

So the last couple of days, almost a week,
Most times when I’m done eating I feel nauseous.
As well as today, I just burped and felt something come up, i literally had to swallow it down cause i have a fear of vomiting. I didn’t feel nauseous before it happened? But now I’m all paranoid. I don’t know if this is because of my ED or not. I’m kind of “off and on” but recently it’s gotten really bad again, maybe the last 2 weeks?
I have no history of bulimia, cause I have a very intense fear of throwing up.