u/Jingghurl_

Haha. Vent lang malala.

Naka-GLP-1 na ako pero ang lala pa rin ng food noise ko. I have the option to increase my dosage naman pero as per my doctor, huwag ko raw itaas hanggang sa kaya ko tiisin. Di daw kasi maganda yung itataas ko agad dahil possible na mawala agad yung talab dahil masyado na akong umasa sa meds. And ang goal naman talaga ay change of lifestyle, hindi umasa sa magic ng gamot.

This Tuesday, ang lala ng stress eating ko. I gained 1kg (water weight lang naman) dahil ma-sodium kinain ko (ramen at canned corned beef).

Kahapon, puro ako inom ng tubig to flush out the water weight. Kaso sobrang busy ko, bigla akong nag-McDo for fast meal. E di sodium na naman. Pasok pa rin naman sa macro ko pero yung sodium kase.

So ngayon, magwa-water fast ako muna. 24hrs, so makakakain ako mamayang 3pm, but I’m considering making it 36 hrs na.

Tapos bigla kong naalala, may Staycation nga pala kami bukas and plan namin mag-dinner sa Vikings.

Di naman talaga ako super takaw. Pero stress eater kase ako, at iyon ang sumasabotahe sa progress ko. Tapos comfort food ko, maaalat at matataba pa kaya kahit hindi naman marami ang volume, sobrang dense pa rin sa calories.

Well, laban lang. malaki na rin naman na ang progress ko since nag-start ng journey. And ngayon, I’m learning new coping mechanism naman na. But ayon, may days kase na nagrerelapse ako, and I often go back to stress eating.

Haha. Vent lang malala.

Naka-GLP-1 na ako pero ang lala pa rin ng food noise ko. I have the option to increase my dosage naman pero as per my doctor, huwag ko raw itaas hanggang sa kaya ko tiisin. Panget daw kasi yung itataas ko agad dahil possible na mawala agad yung talab dahil masyado na akong umasa sa meds.

This Tuesday, ang lala ng stress eating ko. I gained 1kg (water weight lang naman) dahil ma-sodium kinain ko (ramen at canned corned beef).

Kahapon, puro ako inom ng tubig to flush out the water weight. Kaso sobrang busy ko, bigla akong nag-McDo for fast meal. E di sodium na naman. Pasok pa rin naman sa macro ko pero yung sodium kase.

So ngayon, magwa-water fast ako muna. 24hrs, so makakakain ako mamayang 3pm, but I’m considering making it 36 hrs na.

Tapos bigla kong naalala, may Staycation nga pala kami bukas and plan namin mag-dinner sa Vikings.

Di naman talaga ako super takaw. Pero stress eater kase ako, at iyon ang sumasabotahe sa progress ko. Tapos comfort food ko, maaalat at matataba pa kaya kahit hindi naman marami ang volume, sobrang dense pa rin sa calories.

Well, laban lang. malaki na rin naman na ang progress ko since nag-start ng journey. And ngayon, I’m learning new coping mechanism naman na. But ayon, may days kase na nagrerelapse ako, and I often go back to stress eating.

Anyone else na ganito?

Recently, may naging online friend akong cosplayer. He’s a 10/10. Gwapo at ang sexy. He’s funny, and ang gaan kausap. He knows na crush ko sya, and he’s cool with it. Minsan sinasakyan nya pa ang mga flirting ko sa kanya.

And I never had a problem with that. Siguro kase gusto ko lang syang pagpantasyahan. And I know there’s nothing more than that, so hindi na ako aasa pa ng something more.

Meanwhile, kapag sa gays ako nagkakagusto, it often hurt at the end kasi either unrequited or nauuwi lang sa situationship.

Random senti lang (TW: Self-harm)

One of my biggest realizations about myself was I was never a genius. I was just a people pleaser.

Growing up, lagi akong pinapaulanan ng praises ng mga tao kesyo napakatalented ko. Halos lahat kase kaya ko except sa sports. Acads, arts, music, but I mostly shined sa writing. Sa school competition, ako lagi ang #1 noon.

Lumala to noong nag-college ako. Mas mahigpit ang pressure dahil naging part pa ako ng student council. President ng org, tapos Managing Editor ng campus paper — on top of maintaining my Second Honor status sa DL (to maintain my scholarship) and my writing career. All of these on the same academic year. Dito na ako nagsimulang mag-spiral. My bullying din kasing nangyari noon. Sobrang suffocating.

On that year, I began rebelling. Halos lahat yata nagawa ko. Nakipagsex, nag-weed, pumasok nang lasing, di umuwi ng bahay, nag-cutting, hindi nag-submit ng requirements, nag-self-harm, nag-attempt mag-KMS. I almost lost my scholarship along the way. Dumating sa punto na kinausap ako ng area chairman namin noon dahil alarming daw yung sudden drop sa performance ko. It was a very emotional talk, na naging start din ng pag-heal ko.

For the first time in my life, naamin ko sa sarili kong I never want all of these. Hindi ko gustong maging top performing student. Na ginagawa ko lang ito because I want them to praise me — something na never kong nakuha sa family ko, who only saw me as a failure.

Sa huli, I lost my latin honor. I was the Top 1 of my department, and has a GWA na pang-Magna cum Laude. Nandoon ang panghihinayang, pero wala rin akong regret. Kasi kung pinilit ko pa, malamang wala na ako to write this long as post on early Sunday morning

For the context, we are 10 yrs older than my cousin. 19 pa lang si pinsan. Now, I consider him as my baby bro kasi ako nagbabantay dyan noong bata pa.

Why I got crept out:
- Kasi 10 yrs age gap.
- Kahit sabihin mong macho macho na si cous dahil nagwoworkout, very bagets pa rin ang face niya kaya ang sagwa na my friend is interested on him.

Di pa naman nagchachat friend ko sa kanya, but my friend did admit na in-add nya kasi kyot daw.

More context here: https://www.reddit.com/r/MayNagChat/s/s345DGVFHz

Anyway, tldr: kasituationship ko to noon tapos tinarantado lang ako on the last year of it kaya umalis na ako.

Kahapon, nakausap ko tropa namin. Hindi pa pala nila alam kung anong nangyari sa kanya. Ako ang unang nakaalam. Ang kapal ng mukhang sakin sya unang tumakbo e hindi nya nga ako matrato nang tama noong may access pa siya sakin.

Sa totoo lang, gusto ko siyang tanungin kung nasaan ang officemates niyang mga sobrang yayabang sa lifestyle, di naman kalakihan ang sahod. Nasa kanila ang loyalty niya, kaya noong sinabi ko kung anong nangyari at kung paano ako binastos nung isang impaktang mukhang gasul, ako ang nilaglag niya. Ginaslight ako. Sinabihan na hindi naman daw ganon ang ugali nung bruha at masyado lang akong sensitive. Pero saan ka, mismong kabilang grupo, nakita ang nangyari at cinallout siya.

Ewan ko na lang talaga sa mga ganitong tao. Alam niya yan sa sarili niyang mabait ako sa kanya pero ang sinukli, kakupalan. Tapos ngayon, umaasa pa ring magiging mabait ako sa kanya. The audacity.

Don’t get me wrong: masarap sa feeling na may six digits ka kada buwan. Dahil dyan, nakapagpundar na ako ng property ko. Pero gusto ko lang din sabihin yung thoughts ko para sa mga freelancer na pressured kasi feeling nila napag-iiwanan sila dahil hindi sila six digits earner.

When I shifted to freelancing, ang goal ko talaga ay flexibility. Back then, gusto ko lang talagang magkaroon ng source of income while trying to study music. But sadly, I made an expensive mistake of buying a condo, and rather than ipasalo, pinilit kong tapusin agad ang pagbabayad. Plan ko kasing gawing airbnb, but the pandemic ruined my plan so tinirahan na lang namin.

Anyway, nabayaran ko siya last year, and now I felt lost for a while. Eight years ko ring pinagsikapan, and now I feel like ang dami kong na-miss. Nandyan yung if only I stick to my plan, maybe I’m already a good songwriter right now. Baka nag-release na ako ng songs ko sa spotify, and using my social media knowledge, na-market ko rin. Ang daming what ifs, and it’s pointless to dwell on it.

Which goes back again to my original plan. Wala na akong mortgage. I can finally slow down on working and finally focus on my other life goal. When I lost a client last January, hindi na ako naghanap ng kapalit. From six digits, bumaba ako sa 50-70k kada buwan. Sobrang laking kabawasan, but hey, I got more free time! From working 70hrs per week to 40hrs. Now I got time to workout, do DIY project, relax. Inatake rin sa puso ang daddy ko recently, and dahil sa extra free time ko, nagawa ko siyang alagaan without feeling the burden.

So yeah. This proves my point na freelancing is not always about that huge income. In reality, it’s the flexibility naman talaga sa oras na best part of being a freelancer.

So next time you feel pressured kasi feeling mo you’re not earning more than the standard, isipin mo na hindi lahat swerte kagaya mo na may control sa oras ng pagtatrabaho. Habang ang iba, nagpapakahirap bumiyahe papasok, ikaw kahit naka-underwear lang at may kulangot pa, makakapag trabaho nang matiwasay. That alone is a huge win. After all, time is wealth.

I grew up in what felt like the worst possible combo for a kid: a gay, a middle child, and later, I found out, adopted. Because of that, I always felt a bit… sidelined. Hindi naman ako pinabayaan, but compared to my siblings, ramdam ko na mas less favored ako. Hindi rin nakatulong na may kuya akong overachiever at laging bida. I was always in the background.

For years, I carried that resentment. Lagi kong tinatanong sa sarili ko kung bakit parang hindi ako favorite. Then in 2023, everything clicked. I found out I was adopted. It wasn’t even some big dramatic reveal. It just slipped out during a casual conversation about me possibly adopting a child someday. Bigla na lang sinabi ng mom ko. She reassured me na mahal pa rin niya ako, especially since kadugo niya ako, even if I’m not her biological child.

At first, I was angry. I questioned everything about myself. But at the same time, it finally answered that question I’d been carrying my whole life. Kaya pala. Hindi ako totoong anak.

Fast forward to when my dad had a heart attack. I had to go back to the province to take care of him. It was one of the hardest seasons of our lives. For the first time in a long while, I found myself praying every night, hoping he’d recover, hoping nothing would happen in the middle of the night.

Somewhere in those months, something shifted.

I don’t even know when it started, but I noticed the way they treated me changed. Before, I was the “irresponsible” and “spoiled” one. But suddenly, my mom would tell people how grateful she was that I was there. She said she didn’t know how she would’ve handled everything without me. Napaka-responsible ko raw na anak.

Even my dad changed. I always knew he struggled with me being gay. But one time, he asked me about my situationship. And for the first time, I opened up to my family about that heartbreak. In 2025, I went through that pain quietly, just leaving little hints online. But this time, I actually said it out loud. And ang gaan pala sa pakiramdam.

Growing up, I never had that. Whenever I tried to express hurt, I was dismissed. I was called too sensitive, ungrateful. Sinasabihan ako na madali lang ang buhay ko, that I had no reason to complain compared to what they went through. You know the usual. The kind of parenting that turns pain into a competition.

But this time, they listened.

One of the moments that really stayed with me was hearing my mom talk about me to my aunts. She was proud. Sabi niya, kahit mukhang chill lang ako sa bahay, malaki raw ang kinikita ko. I was the first among her kids to own property. Hearing that felt surreal, especially because she used to doubt my career completely. Dati, akala niya naglalaro lang ako at wala akong pera. Parang kailangan ko pa patunayan sarili ko just to be believed.

All these changes started after my dad’s heart attack. It’s like they finally saw me for who I really am, not the version they had already decided I was. From “walang mararating” to someone responsible and dependable. Things I had been all along, pero ngayon lang nila nakita.

Ngayon, I hear my mom say thank you. Madalas. And not just casually. You can feel that she means it.

I know this might sound wrong, but part of me is quietly thankful that my dad had that heart attack. Because somehow, it brought us here. It fixed something that had been broken for 28 years.

All that resentment I carried for so long… I think I’ve finally started to let it go.

Aware naman akong di naman ako pogi, so I always manage my expectation, pero I just find it confusing na bakit mas nadadalian ako humarvat ng hot kesa sa average looking?

Sa gym, madalas ako makakuha ng gwapo.

Sa gay spa/bath house, nararanasan kong mairapan ng average looking gays. Pero I have lost count how many times it happened na maraming nag aagawan sa pogi and ang ending ako ang nagwawagi kahit di naman ako nakikipag compete nang malala?

Iniisip ko na lang, maybe kasi hindi ako masyadong mapusok sa spa? I usually just sit there and look at them? Or baka “dilim-genic” ako?

Then sa gym naman, because it’s convenient. And I don’t kiss and tell. Gusto ko kasi after sex, parang walang nangyari tapos parang di nyo kilala ang isa’t isa.

But yeah, ang confusing lang ng mga gay minsan.