u/KraftyKane

For context I(20) had a friend(21 at that time) a year back when I was 19, that I dropped. and I wasn't the only one. Certain things were revealed between someone else and I and this guy just basically had a lot of almost manipulative(?) seeming behavior but trust me it's so confusing if you knew him but I'd rather not say anything personal.

Besides the other shit he did, he'd do something where, he'd ask to say something with full confidence and add onto it as we responded but suddenly pull away, and deny the claim he was building with the words he added into the conversation. The best example I can give was the time he stated that he wanted his alt account to stay private(content creator) but I pointed out he had a user name(a memorable one) that was attached to his community account. So anyone could see it cause it's linked to another site that tells people his username.

Then, he turns around and tells me he doesn't actually care about being known as if he didn't just tell me he did care a moment ago. That could just be him feeling embarrassed, I get it. Except it's weird when it kept happening in different contexts and different forms. He was the only person I've ever seen doing stuff like that, this much. That is one of the very lightest situations I can give as an example.

I just want some answers so I can look into it, all these manipulation signs online don't really resonate with things I want to understand more.

I'm a Lesbian in the Asexual spectrum, this isn't meant to be invasive but I don't exactly feel completely understood in the Lesbian community so I'm just looking around here. I seek out casual, sexual encounters occasionally. To me, it's like having something sweet once in a while, but I don't need it --- and I can have a meal instead, but I'll eat what I want cause I can.

Some lesbians do misunderstand and see this as me having no interest deep down or being insecure. I don't balme them, I get their view but I have no reason to conform to social norms, especially as a Butch Lesbian, I'm practically built to get judged so I might as well be myself. I use to view this side of me as robotic, I'll have sex if the other person's cool with it or if they want it, but I won't enjoy getting touched, stripped, or dominated by someone I'm not into romantically.

I might feel embarrassed, flattered, have fun with it, but in my head I'll look forward to taking care of them way more before we part ways. Unfortunately I think I'm like a dead fish with my expressions but it's not that I'm not enjoying anything that's just how I've always been, flat-faced, monotone, and lost looking but not devoid of every emotion. I imagine this might seem sad to some, but people go up to me anyway and I don't need reassurance, I'm not a upset about it. Causal sex is like having a deep conversation with a stranger to me. Boobs are pretty nice, but I also just have my own so, you know. I feel like I see sex from some weird structured view I can't properly describe. Not sure if anyone feels this way as well.

I'm sure this sort of rant has been in here before but I just saw an assumed to be stud get posted on Tiktok by a dude, I don't know the background information, it seemed like he was playing with her. My problem was with the comments which was a bunch of weirdos of all ages acting like this guy could change her and telling him to keep pursuing her like their interaction is cute and flirty. All while they're assuming she's Lesbian 'cause she's masculine.

People are weird and I'm irritated. The times I was thought to be lesbian and still expected to end up with a man at that, tf?? Its fucking weird. As easy as it is to ignore(personally), I see it so much. Masculine lesbains are assumed to only like girls, and they're undesirable until it isn't for men.

Some guys use to see me as some weird ass "Tomboy dream" where their definition of tomboy was just a hypersexualized idea of a woman who works out and plays games. The fact I'm Asian makes it worse but I'm not desirable enough to them when they find out I'm SEA and not East Asian. That's unless they're the type to just group us all together since we're "practically the same" or "it's close enough" in their weird ass fantasy.

Lately I been more occupied with studies, friends, and my future. I have no time for romance, and I prefer not to make time for it. No one's forcing me to be in a relationship, I don't feel pressured.

However, there's moments where I can taste the happiness of being in one for a split second, the idea sounds inviting. I grew up a "tomboy" according to others around me, deep down I didn't care and I behaved however I liked. Now, I'm a Butch who chooses to defy the weight of their strict culture --- one step at a time. Most days I spend my hours reading and going over topics I don't understand, for the pure sake it. Although I preserve this introverted state, I keep replaying the idea of embracing another woman in my arms, and lifting her off her feet to twirl her around as the seemingly empty world fills up with our laughter.

And some part of it drives me crazy that I stare blankly at pages full of words, ones I don't have to explain why I feel this wave of thirst. This feeling is common, and something many feel. I only want to say, that the thought is nice, and I find myself lost in thought to cook for another lesbian, brush my thumb against her cheek as they swell from a smile, and understand what a true kiss can do between two beating hearts. For a second I feel desperation, and then I go on 'bout my life perfectly fine. Its the same routine, a morning walk, study before breakfast, dumbbells by my side, and academic goals that flood my schedule. I love being Lesbain, that's it.

Both fiction and non fiction welcomed. Looking for dark/gloomy books that actually have main characters with a positive, calm mindset. Or overall genuine and empathetic.

I recently came across a man online who decided to insult me and others for the sake of wanting to be right. Troll or not, I'm not sure why he would dedicate every day to arguing with others and providing evidence(a Google search or two) in order to seem wiser.

I don't understand, you realize you're an INTP or someone of the NT group and decide to pick fights with people to constantly prove a point? What I'm saying is, do some people believe going along with some intellectually wise stereotype really make them seem smarter?

I've come acorss many people who were smart in the areas they chose to develop. However, I've also come across smart people who believe logic only applies to numbers and data --- and end up becoming people who are unbearable to be around as they avoid understanding how to speak to people. The worst out of it, is the people who think they can read you due to observation. Now this can apply to anyone, but pair this with someone who think they're always one step ahead and it's a confusing mess where all you can think is, "What the fuck are you on?"

Looking for books that are realistic, slow, and the main character is just Lesbian. No tragic romance or no romance at all preferably.

And a huge, huge bonus if they're a person of color.

Sofia told me about abortion

That it as evil

That it was wrong

And there was no good reason

Highschool came

Her best friend, now pregnant

Barely in school, empty seat each season

I wonder how they're doing

Since they became so distant

I was not genius, I was actually perceived as "lost in my own world," "Too focused on my own interests," and overall behind the rest academically. I was also stubborn, like any other kid.

But I had a lot of empathy that came from a logical place, not that it meant I avoided doing wrong. Rather, I looked at things from a general perspective and was often between arguments. I questioned things a lot.

One of my earliest memories was from the time I was five. I was quiet and didn't talk much. New girl comes in, and I don't like her glasses. So when we gathered around a student to see what he was showing, I purposely block her view. Except at that moment I questioned why I was even doing this; it didn't make sense that I was picking on a girl that seemed nice. I just moved aside and the next day, complimented her glasses after reflecting about how mean I was.

I was not some innocent angel after though, I made mistakes, but I always ended up taking accountability after self-reflection and redirection because there was no reason for people to put up with my issues. I want to make it clear that I'm not painting myself as some smartass. However, if you were I'd love to hear about it, haha.

Currently stacking up on my Goodreads book list, Fiction and non-fiction does it good, not looking for strong fantasy themes.

Something I love about Monster is the politics, psychology, philosophy, and the overall focus on humanity/human connection. I know the author has a novel that I'm looking forward to read after I finish Push by Sapphire and Evicted by Matthew Desmond.

If any of y'all know something pretty realistic and overall similar to the anime, I'd appreciate some suggestions and your experience with the book. Thank you in advance!

Both non-fiction or fiction(Adult) is good but I definitely want it to be realistic. The type of toxic I'm looking for is like Kendrick Lamar's "We Cry Together." Which made me really feel seen in some way.

I always saw this type of love when I was young, and I wanna read 'bout it to feel come type of comfort in knowing I wasn't alone. Whether both sides are in the wrong, or one. I wonder if any books go deep in that stuff and specifically take place in the ghetto/hood since that's where I grew up.

Definitely a bonus if it's between parents, but not required.

My family moved from Laos to the US around '80s, then eventually found their way into a small hood in Northern California. They didn't have much, and the aftermath of war still lingered in the air. However, the place wasn't as bad as people would assume it'd be. When people think of the ghetto, all they think of is struggle, pity, trauma.

Of course, it came with that. Theres no denying it. But while I never lived in the '90s, I lived in that house for a good bit until it was time to move on. And there was something sweet in the way the air made sure the innocence of childhood was preserved. Now this was during the time McDonald burgers were around fifty cents each, my grandfather worked at some retail job to support the family and my grandmother worked on gardening to sell veggies at a small, Asian grocery store. The kind with boxes scattered all over the floor paired with rusty shelves that hadn't been dusted in a while. Meanwhile, their kids were busy running through the neighborhood freely and saving up coins to calculate how much they could get from the local "candy lady" who gave out Kool aid icee cups during the hot Summer.

When they were in the mood for something savory, there was a man in mind, Larry. From what I know, Larry was old at the time. My mom recalls him often sitting out on his lawn, enjoying the sun and the peace that came with it. They'd head to his house and hop on right inside, from the way they talked about his jerky, you'd think the scent alone could make anyone's foot lift off the ground and start floating towards the source. Usually, they'd come back with these big crispy, fatty, honey-coated pieces of chewy jerky. Then, pair it with hot rice for a nice little lunch after the walk home. I may not have the best memory, especially being around four to five at the time --- but I'm thankful I remember this. It's the last memory of Larry I got.

Around '09, the world was big and a walk around the block felt like ten miles to me. We walked out with my aunts and cousins around noon, carefree and clueless on where I was headed --- I didn't pay much attention. The world just felt dream-like. When we got to a large house, the vast, green lawn marked a stain on my mind as the sun burned off the hairs from my scalp. One step in and the heat washed away from my body immediately.

It became a maze all of a sudden, full with dim, inviting lights that made any kid understand the warmth of home. I held onto my mom's hand between what I can remember were boxes in my path. Again, I was young at the time --- so I was half the height of everything around me. However, I remember a man, I saw his legs, his body, just not his face. Larry was picking out our snacks, and it seemed like his whole shelf was full of all sorts of things I couldn't comprehend as a kid. It was a brief exchange before we made our way out in the heat again. Once we got back home, the TV was turned on to those classic funny Hmong songs sung and acted by kids while I was fed jerky and rice. I wish everyone knew how the steaming rice melted the slightly thick layer of fat on those pieces of jerky. It wasn't the typical ones you'd find in stores that tend to be smoked and salty. It just tasted right.

After some time, everyone got busy and I eventually moved out from my grandparents place. Without being notified, later in the following years, Larry passed away. We weren't the only ones who went to his place occasionally in order to receive a couple of snacks. There were others who visited to get some of his good stuff. I wish I'd known more bout him before he left. All I know is that, he enjoyed that time on his porch, and those kids making their way towards his home for another round of snacks --- enjoyed seeing him beside that beautiful lawn. My family's history was full of tragedy mixed with moments of relief, and we weren't perfect.

Yet, there were moments made from connection, community --- that granted my family happy memories where struggle and pain didn't have to accompany them. Where culture was exchanged and for some time, they could laugh without any thought of the heavy weighted future. And it was because of people like Larry, that they were given time to be children, time to understand what freedom tasted like. In that house we lived in, we were all happy.

I can't help but notice the way *some* people look at you when you try and talk to them. Y'know, the whole laughing(or a specific look) after someone just walked up to them and wanted to have a genuine conversation. It happens.

It don't happen all the time with me, in fact older folks tend to be more talkative in a way thats not immediately invasive. I appreciate them too, but younger people feel a bit awkward and I'm guessing they can't sit with it for too long so they jump to making it a joke.

I met a nice older guy at a cafe some time ago, nice shop, call atmosphere. I studied outside, he came out and asked me how the iced tea was and it was short, simple --- since I was focused, he seemed to understand I was busy. Respectful guy, but when he went over to the girls next to me that weren't saying much, he left after the convo and they looked at eachother with *that* look ---then, laughed.

I don't want anyone to shit on these girls cause I don't know em, but it's their actions I noticed that's all. Cause they aren't the only ones who do this thing. Personally, I don't get this and I rarely see older people do this. I can't even say I like talking, I just like people.

I'm capable of anything, everyone is. People are worthy of respect and love, but to be honest yeah it gets hard. Yeah it's difficult, hearing all these people around me while I work. All I hear is the way they talk shit about people. People treat you like you invisible. I got health issues, I go to the clinic, lady at the front desk rolls her eyes and complains as the room is silent. I think maybe she's having a bad day, but at least when I sat down a man made her laugh. So I smile, she's got some light in her. Another time I go to the nurse, crying my eyes out and she sighs and just tells me to do what I need to do. Its all good though, it's fine. Maybe she's tired, she's a nurse afterall, she must work hard. Its nothing personal.

Its good, I'm good. I say Tomorrow's gonna be a better day. I see a homeless man walking in the rain, I give him the umbrella my grandmother gave me. I won't ever get it back again, but he needs it more than I do. I look into his eyes and he's looking at me in disbelief. Like he's sorry. I walked home in the rain, I still think about him. People on drugs, and I got on the bus. I looked up, a face that looks familiar but I don't know where. Maybe from elementary, but her limbs are thin, and she looks at me, twitching, everyone looks down, it's normal. And she had a familiar face, so I got off the bus, and walked home crying.

And people are fucked up, I know. They always told me, friends aren't forever, everybody's fake. I supported my friend through homelessness for months, and the last he gave was some extra rants about his sister before saying nothing more to me and talking and showing off his new friends on social media.

Online, in person, all some people wanna do is talk bout when they gonna fuck someone. About how they wanna fuck me, all these horny dudes on games and in my dms. All these old men by the bus stop and in the cars driving up to me when I'm tryna get shit done. All these young boys get into gangs thinking they're men, all these young girls grow up too fast cause their parents don't give a fuck. All these older people think they better than us. All these people can be cruel.

But I wanna keep my head up, cause a neighbors smile means something. Cause a stranger has their days too, and my professors work hard, and a mother is working, a father is walking with his son, the stray dogs and cats are walking by. Another robbery somewhere at night, but someone tucked their daughter in bed so it's gonna be alright. I know tomorrow will be a good day. Its just hard sometimes.